But You Say S/He’s Just a Friend: Part II

“It's one thing to turn a friend into a lover, but it's completely different to try to turn a lover into a friend.” –Unknown

I was once part of a mentoring session on relationships where a young girl around 14 years old said her mom referred to her as the girl friend and never the girlfriend – as if it was a bad thing, a curse of sorts. I pitied the teenager’s frustration, but even more her mother's lack of worthwhile advice to her young and impressionable child. And then I remembered when I was her age.

My father's one and only rule of relationship advice was told to me as a sophomore in high school. He said, “Nat, listen to me… be friends first.” The end. No anecdote. So yeah, I heard him, but I wasn’t listening.

While in high school, not once did I witness my friends in relationships establish a friendship first. In fact, most of them barely knew anything about one another before falling head first into what they identified as love at the time. Some girls changed boyfriends like they changed panties – once a week often. I, on the other hand, went almost four years without a boyfriend. I had a ton of close male friends and even crushed on a few, but not one friendship materialized into anything more.

I had a reader recently seek my advice on how to transition from one realm to the other: girl friend to girlfriend. Honestly, I don't have a definite answer so I came up with a short list of do’s and don’ts:

DO:

• Genuinely focus on building the friendship. People can sense when you have a hidden agenda and your ill intentions can ultimately push them away.
  
• Expect the best, but prepare for the worst. Before you decide to make your move, first ask yourself if the friendship can withstand the denial of a romantic advance.
  
• Be yourself. A friendship is built on common interests and familiarity. Once you express your feelings, don't change the fabric of what makes the friendship so great. Simply enhance its existing qualities.

DON’T:

• Sabotage your friend's current relationship. If your friend is currently involved with someone, don’t be a hater. It's unattractive. That is all.
  
• Take advantage of being in the “friend zone” for personal gain. Knowing their deepest, darkest secrets or their biggest insecurities is something you should respect and not abuse.
  
• Assume you are their type just because you're friends. While a friendship generally guarantees mutual interest and a genuinue care for one another, sometimes there are specific reasons why a person is placed in the "friend zone" that may be unknown to them.

I've come to realize there is something very admirable about establishing an authentic friendship with a person of the opposite sex. Through experience I’ve noticed the most successful relationships stem from true compatibility (so maybe my Dad was onto something). If you want to be more than friends, my advice would be to let nature take its course. Trust that things will happen when you least expect it– the way it happens in the movies. If you can’t resist, remember Barbara De Angelis’ words, “You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.” And if, by chance, they just want to remain friends, consider they might just be doing you a favor...so let them.

Live.Love.Learn...and repeat!

Song for thought: “Breathless,” by Corinne Bailey Rae

But You Say S/He’s Just a Friend: Part I

I once came across an intriguing Facebook status that stated, “As a rule, men and women CANNOT be (platonic) friends... so if you meet someone who has friends of the opposite sex, they’re either lying, naïve, or they have secrets...in any case, RUN!”

While I typically try to avoid commenting on Facebook statuses (read: I loathe the constant notifications when people comment after me, yet am too lazy to log on and change my settings), I found this one to be response worthy merely because I‘d just debated this controversial topic with two different men in the same week. Their claim is always the same: men and women can’t be friends without a romantic relationship ensuing. But having a great deal of male friends myself, I strongly disagree. I went to seek the definition of the word platonic and found its meaning is where the debate begins.

According to MSN Encarta, platonic is defined as:

1. not involving sexual relations: involving friendship, affection, or love without sexual relations between people who might be expected to be sexually attracted to each other

2. perfect but unreal: perfect in form or conception but not found in reality

I’d like to point out two things from the abovementioned definitions. Firstly, platonic means to involve affection, but abstain from sexual relations. Secondly, note the contradiction and negative connotation the subsequent definition carries. With such an influenced depiction of the word, why wouldn’t there be any skepticism of its likelihood? Two attractive people can be friends without being attracted to one another. Can’t they? And if one party is attracted to the other, the friendship is still salvageable as long as they stay within the companionable boundaries of friendship. Right? Well…maybe in a perfect world.

I believe the real threat on a platonic friendship between men and women is not due to the chance of romantic involvement. Instead, as made apparent in the first definition, what compromises the relationship more than anything is the speculation and insinuation of third parties – those “who might expect” the two friends to eventually become more. Is it fair of them to project their experiences of failed platonic relationships on friends who have not crossed the line? Not at all. Does it happen anyway? All the time.

A platonic friendship can be especially difficult to defend when adding a significant other to the already seemingly-skewed equation. A happily married male friend of mine shared with me that men and women can have a successful friendship, “if the significant other is secure in knowing that a friend of the opposite sex probably knows their mate better than they do.” Imagine that. Understandably, that can be a tough pill to swallow. But looking at the glass half full, a significant other may benefit from their mate having a confidant of the opposite sex.

One young woman once told me that friends of the opposite sex are translators. What a novel concept! It has already been proven to be true. There is no other reason for why male “relationship experts” are publishing best-sellers due to the majority female consumers that buy them. It’s not like any information they’re sharing is brand new. Alternatively, women are more receptive to a man giving them relationship advice than a woman. And while men may not always admit it, they’ve also found themselves more likely to identify with the opposite sex when situations are given impartial insight by a female friend detached from the situation.

Truthfully speaking, the male/female friendships that haven't transcended their platonic nature are probably attributed to an unreciprocated attraction by one of the friends. Nevertheless, if you meet someone who has friends of the opposite sex, don't rule out the chance that they're probably determined enough to refrain from crossing the line or there was a mutual agreement that a friendship could be kept intact even after a romantic attempt failed. Don’t be naïve, however. It’s clear. Some people have a skewed view of platonic relationships and those people tend take what they can get by settling for "friendship." Note the quotations. These are the types of acquaintances that can be hazardous to romantic relationships. Beware: having a genuine friendship with someone of the opposite sex requires a level of maturity that not many people have mastered. Again, I have a lot of male friends. It doesn’t mean I haven’t been tried by some of them, it just means I didn’t take the bait.

Live.Love.Learn…and repeat!

Song for thought: “Buddy,” by Musiq

The One Before THE ONE

"Before me there were many. After me there will be none. I am the one.” –Jay-Z

This line in Jay-Z’s song, “Guilty Until Proven Innocent,” said so matter-of-factly, could make one miss the fact that it quite confidently crossed the line of conceit. This is probably why I repeated it so much (don’t judge me)! There was a certain assurance portrayed in his voice that said, in so many words, “you may have experienced quite a few prior to meeting me, but none of them come close to me, and it will be a waste of your time to think you’ll find better.” End scene.

I must admit, since I copped the Dynasty: Roc La Familia album in high school, I’ve kept this line as a frame of reference with me while being on anything from job interviews to first dates. The pompous declaration, if backed by actual evidence, was considered a one-two knockout in my book. And if you didn’t recognize me as the one at that time, you couldn’t say I didn’t tell you so when it registered later.

Self-assured? Absolutely. But sometimes it's necessary to have that way of thinking (not acting). If not me, then who?

If you’ve been sleeping under a rock, wake up and smell the roses…the wedding roses that is. We are smack dab in the middle of wedding season! I swear, since I hit the “mid-twenties” age range, I have attended more weddings than Elizabth Taylor has ex-husbands! And with every wedding invitation, save the date or relationship status change on Facebook comes inevitably, “the call.” You know, the call from your friend to say how shocked they are to discover that the person voted most likely to remain single (for whatever reason) is getting married.

But the worst of them all is when you learn your immediate ex is next in line to head down the aisle. The feeling can be absolutely devastating, particularly if you once imagined yourself meeting them at the other end. And even if you’ve come to grips with the break up, the fact that they’ve moved on and found something permanent in someone else before you still bites just a bit. You may develop what I call “Dumper’s Remorse” as my friend Sasha did just last month.

“Dumper’s Remorse” is the feeling of doubt that the dumper typically experiences after dumping the dumpee (get it?). It doesn’t necessarily occur immediately after the break up. It can lie dormant for months, even years, until situations just like the aforementioned arise. It is generally caused by the realization that single life may not be greener grass and that the issues that were prevalent while in the relationship, in hindsight, may not have been that bad. Whether the perception is temporarily clouded by current circumstances rarely tends to matter. The point is, you’re lonely and you want that old thing back…if only to pacify your existing whirlwind of emotions.

The group blackberry message notification on my phone one early morning signaled that whatever message was being transmitted was serious enough that the entire group needed to hear at once. And the message read, “(Ex’s name) proposed to his girlfriend. That should be me! I am officially the one before THE ONE.” To add insult to injury, Sasha’s ex proposed with a ring similar to that of her dream ring. Ouch.

Sasha's situation got me to thinking about how it must feel to put all your time and energy into your relationship, only for things to fall through and their next relationship turn into everything you wanted yours to be when with them. Here’s my two cents in two words: tough cookie. What? Were you expecting me to join in on your pity party? I refuse.

Yes, I acknowledge it sucks…majorly. What you have to remember is that things ended with your ex for a reason. As quoted by Jodi Lipper, “An ‘ex’ is called an ‘ex’ because it's an example of what you shouldn't have again in the future.” What good are a proposal and the perfect ring if it’s with the wrong person? Push through your second thoughts and pending regrets. Instead, boldly declare that you are the one for someone better and more deserving. Go into the next relationship recognizing all that you bring to the table and then…bring it! There’s no shame in being the wrong one before the right one. When the ring is on the other finger (get it?), it’ll all be worth it.

Live.Love.Learn...and repeat!

Song for thought: "The One," Mary J. Blige ft. Drake

Power of the D.A.D.D.Y.

This post is also featured on Black and Married With Kids.


I am my father’s child. No doubt about it. From my lean and long-legged physique to my commanding presence and sometimes stubborn personality, I am him. One would think that because we have the tendency to be so much alike, we would have issues seeing eye-to-eye. However, that couldn’t be further from the truth. My dad is one of my very best friends.

As a twenty-something woman coming into my own, I’ve found comfort in seeking my father’s advice on topics ranging from work to finances and especially relationships. This is mainly because he gives it to me straight, no chaser. Furthermore, I view him as the prototype for the man I hope to one day marry. Victoria Secunda, author of Women and Their Fathers: The Sexual and Romantic Impact of the First Man in Your Life, has been quoted as saying that the “greatest impact on a woman’s romantic choices and ability to feel comfortable in her own sexuality is how her father related to her in childhood.”

My parents have often times been described as the present-day Claire and Cliff Huxtable, though we’ve never gone without a microwave in our kitchen. Like Cliff, my dad was, and still is, the jokester in a house full of women. A savvy business man with an entrepreneurial spirit, he also held down the fort when my mom was traveling for business. Helping construct science projects, teaching us how to ride bikes and swim were just a few things on the list. My mom, a former tomboy, didn’t learn to braid hair for quite some time, so it was dad who helped out in that area as well (it wasn’t as bad as one would imagine). Overall, my dad was ever-present in teaching my sister and me exactly what it meant to be a devoted father and husband to his family. He was our example of what love from a man should be like and taught us that the foundation of any relationship was rooted in a love, respect and trust of oneself.

When my dad was my age, he had a master’s degree and a pretty impressive career underway. He still carried the athletic build that he adapted as a school athlete and I can imagine him having a confidence that, dare I say, bordered arrogance as well. So it’s no wonder I’m attracted to the same type of man. According to research conducted by Dr. Linda Nielsen, nationally recognized expert on father-daughter relationships, “fathers generally have as much or more influence than mothers on many aspects of their daughters’ lives. For example, the father has the greater impact on the daughter’s ability to trust, enjoy and relate well to the males in her life.”

Recently, as I sat amongst a group of male friends, I heard stories of women they’d dated who were raised without an appropriate father figure. In their experience, women with “daddy issues,” as most refer to the epidemic, can develop at least one of the following concerns:

• Low of self-esteem
• Sexual promiscuity
• Failure to forge healthy romantic relationships
• Inability to communicate with the opposite sex
• Misperceived gender roles

I understand the way my sister and I were raised is no longer the societal norm. With over 40% of babies in the U.S. born to single women, we are considered a rare breed to not only have had a father present, but to have a father who is still married to our mother. However, fatherhood has to be viewed as a duty and not a decision. The negative implications have a strong possibility of distorting the image of healthy relationships with one another and most importantly, with ourselves.

Live.Love.Learn...and repeat!

Song for thought: "Daughters," John Mayer

In My Mind | Clutch Magazine: The Digital Magazine for the Young, Contemporary Woman of Color

In this article, the writer discovers she is, "too dope to give so much to someone who either chooses to or is unable to give the same to me."

In My Mind | Clutch Magazine: The Digital Magazine for the Young, Contemporary Woman of Color

He Likes Me, He Likes Me Not?

I’d been dating this really cool guy for about a month so, clearly, I liked him a lot. Well, you know me, I got a little excited. I’d been so used to the three (date) strikes and you’re out routine that I began to question if I actually saw something in this man or if I was merely impressed that we’d successfully made it passed the threshold. My girlfriends laugh at me all the time because they can’t understand how, over the years; I have been able spot very early on if I see things progressing. Therefore, you can imagine my anxiety when on date four (ok, not literally), I started overanalyzing whether or not I should be overanalyzing. The joys of being a woman (insert sarcasm here)!

Generally, women are ready for exclusivity much sooner than men. So when is it safe to assume a man is genuinely interested in progressing towards an exclusive dating relationship? Is it a conversation initiated by him or will there be signs? And what signs does he give her, if any, that it is okay to place all her eggs in his basket (no pun intended)? I took it upon myself to ask some very special men in my life to clue me in on when it’s safe to assume a man is interested. Check out the responses below:

He’ll Say It
John:
When a man meets the woman he realizes is worth it, that realization may come after significant experiences, maturation, or a sense of stability in his career. He must not feel swayed to stray. It is a belief that he will not meet someone better than the one in front of him. I think he will say it when he feels it. I’m different in the sense that I figure out everything in my head before I commit my heart. So I had already thought it thru. Hence, I have to wait and gauge when it will be the appropriate time to mention it to her. Unreciprocated feelings are the worst feelings.

Chris:
I would definitely consider this a general rule: if he tells you he isn't ready for *insert topic here*, believe him. In the same way, unless it has been openly discussed and settled, a woman should never assume the man wants to be, or will be, exclusive. And I suggest you don't wait too long to talk about it; if she is at a point where she is prepared to be exclusive, the longer she waits, the more hurt she may be if she finds out he's not ready. My opinion? There needs to be a conversation. Just in case.

He’ll Show It
Anthony:
Honestly, we are confused creatures and we often don’t know when we’re interested in progressing exclusively! From a personal view, I knew I was ready when I began to tell my boys that I’ll have to catch them on the next outing so I can hang out with my boo, even if it wasn’t going out anywhere special. To me that meant that I was putting relationships with my friends on hold while I took time to build one with someone else. If she’s an understanding woman, she’ll tell the man to not worry about it but if he insists on spending time with her, she should assume his genuine interest. But naturally, we won’t initiate that talk and the lady will have to. Most of us don’t like that pressure, but if we are genuinely interested, that conversation won’t bother us much.

Jaden:
Most men don't like to sit a female down and look in her eyes. Or wave a flag that says, "were committed!” You can tell in the time he spends with you. How more affectionate he is when its just you two. Does he bring you along everywhere. Does he take you around his friends? That is the biggest sign there is!

Hate to say it, but there is no definite answer. Every guy is different. Will his actions speak louder than words or vice versa? Your guess is as good as mine! Here’s what I can advise you to do: trust your intuition. If you feel it's right, go for it! "The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it." - Stanley Kubrick

Live, love, learn…and (have the courage to) repeat!

It's Not Me, It's You

After watching the Nightline segment on why successful black women can’t find men, I found it difficult to digest what was said. As a twenty-something single woman, about one-half of my black girlfriends are in committed relationships (with black men), one-third of which are engaged or married. I think the segment left women as confused as they were before it aired. After speaking with friends, a few questions surfaced:

1. Why aren’t we rephrasing the question to ask why men can’t find successful black women?

It has been stated that there are 1.8 million more black women than black men. If the ratio of eligible black men to women is so disproportionate, then why has it been so difficult for a man to find a woman? Women have taken on this problem as their own, without stopping to realize there is another person involved in the equation. The real answer lies in why the 54% of eligible black men aren’t finding black women, and if they are, aren’t marrying them. Are their standards too high? Are they overwhelmed with options? Are they commitment-phobes? None of these questions can be answered or determined because of something women do or don’t do. Meaning, it is not in our control, therefore, we shouldn’t be concerned with how to fix it. Talk about a power struggle.

2. How has this been pinpointed as a problem for black women and not all women?

While statistics show that 42% of black women have never been married, which is double the number of white women, it is important to remember that black women aren’t the only women suffering from the shortage of “eligible” bachelors. That is proven with the creation of so many reality shows focused on finding love. In the last ten years, network television has aired more than 39 relationship reality shows. In the history of The Bachelor, which first aired in 2002, the star of the show has always been a white male searching for love. With the exception of a few minorities, who never make it past the fourth episode, the overwhelming majority of bachelorettes are white. This season, more than 20,000 women auditioned for the show. This program is an example of how white women are just as perplexed at the inability to find a partner.

3. Why are we making the term “successful” synonymous with the type of career or how much money one makes?

It’s clear that success is defined as two different ideals among men and women. A male friend once said that most women base their success on accomplishments, while most men base their success on their ability to attract women. Whether or not this statement is completely accurate is left to the individual to decide. However, I can’t find it being too far from the truth. Instead, we should deem it successful that a man has no kids, no diseases and actually prefers women. As a remedy for this disconnect, the male panelists on Nightline suggest women identify success before it comes into fruition. By dating men who exhibit potential in becoming the successful man of their dreams, panelists say women will be more likely to find the man they seek. Speaking from experience, I’ve dated a lot of men with potential. The problem was I saw more potential than they did in themselves. A woman can have all the hope and support in the world for her man, but in order for things to happen, he's got to be the one to tap into those aspirations. I would suggest investing in a man that supplements what you lack, not complements what you can bring to the table. That way, you both learn and grow from each other.

Be open-minded and expect the best. With that attitude, you are bound to attract the man you seek. Live.Love.Learn...and repeat!

Let it Burn?

I came across an article in the Wall Street Journal today about what people hold onto and how they get rid of things after a break up and why. I, too, had a talking stuffed bear that I immediately dropped kicked off my balcony the day I found out my then-boyfriend had been cheating. Did it make me feel better? Yes! Did it change the fact that he cheated? Not so much! For nearly six months, I held onto emails written by another ex. I wasn't ready to let go and re-reading the letters surely didn't help. And while deleting the emails was the first step in nursing the wound, it failed at deleting him from my life altogether.

In the movie, "Waiting to Exhale," Angela Bassett's character, Bernadine, found temporary solace the day she cleared her husbands belongings from their house, placed them in his BMW, doused the car in lighter fluid and flicked her cigarette towards one of his most prized possession as she watched it burn in a blaze of fire. This was all done in response to him leaving her for another woman. It was a liberating scene that I'm sure got a lot of praise from the women in the audience. But does a break up, under any circumstance, warrant such a “heated” retort? And does it ever solve the real issue?

Before you go and "Bust the Windows" out his car, remember a Detroit woman's re-enactment of the notorius Waiting to Exhale scene resulted in an arrest on arson charges with a $3,500.00 bond. However you choose to cope, understand that throwing away/burning/shredding the evidence of a an old flame doesn't make the smoke clear any faster.

Read the WSJ article "The Post-Breakup Purge" By Elizabeth Berstein and comment below on how you best deal with a break up and how you dispose of the evidence.

Live.Love.Learn...and repeat!

Cheaper to Keep Her?

A friend forwarded this email sent to an ex after a recent break up. Talk about wanting closure...

Dear Ex Boyfriend:

Since you will not take my calls or respond to my text a letter is the only way that I can communicate to you. I just want to resolve the following issues that are still pending since the end of our relationship.

The couch payment… the payments are $190.00 until September which is $1520.00 or $1000.00 to pay it off now. I paid for the couch for January 2010 and you also verbally agreed to take care of that charge for our relationship ended on January 16, 2010 and I fully moved on January 17, 2010 you stated that you would reimburse me for that payment as well, which was made on January 23, 2010

The replacement of my broken radio which you promised to pay to replace and fix on February 4, 2010, the Chevy dealership has quoted me a price of $487.00 for parts and labor, but you stated that you found a cheaper alternative just let me know.

Transfer the AT&T account onto your own account since you have ordered me to “lose your number” I don’t think it wise to share a phone plan with someone who doesn’t want you to have their number. Also pay your last month bill for $300.00 for January and $130.00 to cover your February bill as well. If you choose to go back to T-Mobile a $150.00 early termination fee will be due as well for your contract expires December of 2011.

Finally I loaned you $100.00 for probation in which I also gave you a ride to on January 21, 2010 I need that amount back as well which you gave in writing was a loan and you would return to me upon your 1st check which you did not and stated on February 08, 2010 that you would give it to me after the 15th, today is the 17th of February.

It was my greatest pleasure to date and be intimate with you. I will miss you dearly but like wise people always say “time heals all wounds.”

I wish you nothing but the best and will always speak and keep you in a positive light when you are thought or spoken of; I hope that you can do the same for me. J

I love you and hope that you find success and happiness in ALL that you do.

Thank you, for ALL of the valuable lessons that you have taught me.


Fondly,
Ex Girlfriend



"Cheaper to Keep Her," Buddy Guy

Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough

The link below is an article written by Carrie Sloan for lemondrop.com. Interesting stuff!

As a twenty-something single woman, I can admit to sometimes fleeing men for superficial reasons. I am aware of those reasons failing to be a determining factor in whether or not a relationship can be fulfilling. Yet in the same breath, I've yet to feel pressured on "settling down" to the point that it matters.

I subscribe to the points made in this article. Carrie states, "If you're 22 or 26, get back on the bar and keep dancing. I, too, dated in a big city for a decade, and there's a time when a guy should be judged by nothing more than his potential to make an excellent post-mortem brunch story."

Marriage is forever. Until you know what you want and what you can offer, enjoy your singledom. However, when you are ready to commit for life, be realistic in your expectations.

Marry Him -- A Look At The Divisive New Book That Urges You To 'Settle'

Dear Ms. Wright

Dear Ms. Wright,

Since the breakup from a five-year relationship, I haven’t had much luck finding anyone worth my time to date. All the guys present themselves to be the perfect guy, but sooner or later down the line, they end up being a waste. Valentine’s Day is approaching and, as a result, I’ve stopped going out in social settings at all. I just don’t have the energy to deal with losers and I sometimes question whether or not this grass is greener than my last relationship.

Anonymous, age 26

Milky Mess,

What you're experiencing is completely normal. You've been in a relationship for all of your adult life and although the break up isn't brand new, this is the first Valentine’s Day as a real single woman. The last thing you want to do in this situation is hide. For every few losers, there’s bound to be an un-spoiled one in the bunch. How the hell is he supposed to find you if you refuse to see and be seen?

Make it easy for him with these three simple steps:

1. Go to the craft store and buy some fabric paint.

2. Purchase a bright, solid-colored top and

3. Using the fabric paint, apply the following message onto the shirt: HERE I AM!

There is NO USE in crying over spoiled/spilled milk. I never understood that phrase, but let me try to make sense of it now. All of your ex-boyfriends can fall into the category of "Spoiled Milk."

In the beginning, it was what you needed, it was good for you to experience your ex-boyfriend because of the emotional growth spurt that you encountered while together (milk = healthy bones = growth, get it?). But, like milk, if you try to savor it well past the expiration date, you'll be left with a sour taste in your mouth. DISPOSE OF IT! No matter how good the milk may have complimented your cereal or fluffed your pancake, it's no longer healthy for you to consume and will leave a bad taste in your mouth.

All of your "subpar" suitors since your breakup, let’s call them all "Spilled Milk." Whether you wasted some of the milk or spilled the entire carton, apparently it just wasn't meant to consume the whole carton. That could be a blessing in disguise.

Remember, milk doesn't cost that much. You can buy another carton. What I mean is, it won't take much for you to bump into another guy. However, be cautious when shopping. No grocer is going to sell you spoiled milk. For the most part, guys will market themselves to be worth purchasing. Whether or not the milk will spoil soon after purchasing or if you'll consume it in enough time to reap the benefits is still open for discussion. But, that’s simply a part of the experience. To find out, you have to, at least, open the carton.

It's hard starting over, but it's necessary. Good luck. Have the courage to live, love, learn...and repeat!