The Other Woman: You, Him & Her

Receiving late night phone calls? Having to reschedule your quality time? Working extra hours? These are just some signs that your man could be cheating on you. They are not “for sure” signs, but if you start noticing a consistent pattern, you can pretty much start to put the pieces together. But this topic is not to discuss you, the victim. Let’s flip the script and talk about you, the other woman. You are fully aware of your title and role as the other woman and there’s really nothing you can do to ever change it. This is because the female who holds the number one spot on his list of priorities is not someone that you can confront eye-to-eye. Why not? Because she barely reaches your knee caps! For those of you who were slow catching on, I’m talking about your man’s daughter, the primary object of his affection.

Federal statistics show that 69% of all black children are born to single mothers (and a single mother means somewhere there’s a single father too). This is more than twice the national average. Almost 48% of all black children live without there fathers. I could mention, here, dating outside of your race, but that’s a whole different topic. So, let it marinate and let’s move on.

Most women, 20-something and beyond, have dated one or more men with children. Hell, if you haven’t, you know someone who has. After reading the statistics, that leaves you with two options: date him or don’t. If you don’t, good luck not bumping into one in the future. If you do, there are some things to which you must become accustomed.

My Team and I discussed enforcing the rule that if you’re going to date a man with a child, or children, the child has to be five years or older. This brings me to my first point: the mother of his child. I hate to use the term baby mama, but for the sake of typing it out, we’ll call her ‘BM.’ Our consensus is that if the child is younger than five, there’s a good chance that your man could still be visiting his BM for non child-related matters, if you get my drift. You know how us women can be, she may be bitter that she isn’t involved with him and so she’ll try to hold on to him any way she knows how, and we all know the power of the… And let’s not blame it on a sour relationship. They could remain cordial for the child, but your man can’t differentiate just friends from friends. Whatever the case, if you choose not to abide by the Team Rule (as is the case with one of my friends), or if the child is over five, the BM is in a serious relationship with someone else, etc., allow me to move on to the second point: not being the number one priority.

For me, this would be a real stinger. When a single man and woman are dating with no children between them, there are a lot of things that you don’t take into consideration. Any woman who’s dating a man with a child, who does not have a child of her own, is going to have a hard time playing second string, especially if she hasn’t had to before. You may not want to acknowledge it at first, but you want to be spoiled and given all the attention in a relationship. I think that’s a pretty natural expectation when courting. You may be able to coax him out of hanging with the guys or distract him from watching the game every once-in-a-while, but being a dad is a full-time obligation (or at least it should be), regardless of when he has custody (assuming he doesn’t have full custody).

The point is you’ll never be dating just him. You will always be the other woman. Later on in life, a ready-made family may be something your into. Maybe you love children, but love your figure a little more. In those cases, and some others, the threesome can definitely work. But being 20-something and single, I can’t see that being an option in the near future. Let’s be real, as in my girlfriend’s circumstance, if the guy is someone you’re really feeling and/or because he’s a great and responsible father, the good can outweigh the not-so-good on your list of standards and you’ll learn to adjust. Let's also jump to the other side of the fence and think of it as if you were a single mother. Wouldn’t you expect to find happiness in a man and possibly love even if you came with extra baggage…I mean, a bundle of joy (if the child is bad, I have no suggestions)? Let me move on to my third and final point before offering any advice.

My third point is financial stability/spontaneity. If you’re a 20-something single woman who is financially stable, which at our age means a woman who budgets her money and still has additional funds for entertainment, dining out and other miscellaneous expenses, you’ll be taken aback to know that your man is really pinching his pennies to provide for his child. Would you feel better if you knew he was cutting back to save for a down payment on a house instead of for child support? Let’s be straight up, I would! At 20-something, most of us aren’t making a high income amount (if you are then more power to you), so money may already be tight when dating a man without a child. But a cheap date is only cute for so long. At some point, a woman is going to want to be treated to a really nice, non-combo meal serving restaurant. What about a spontaneous weekend trip? Can he secure a babysitter in time? If he only sees his child on the weekends and you both work unpredictable hours during the week, you’re both screwed because now you’re asking him to choose. You could always make it a family-friendly trip, but do you really want to sacrifice Stella getting her groove back for the Emperor’s New Groove?

My advice to ladies with no children, who live comfortably on their own and think the relationship may get serious down the line:
- Attempt to befriend the BM, or don’t have contact with her at all. Ok, reality check. If you have to come in contact with her, remember two things: he's your man now, but that's their child forever. If you plan to be around for the long haul, your life can be much easier concerning the BM if she's comfortable with you being the other woman in her impressionable child's life. Stay focused on the needs of the child and not any personal and petty grudges with the BM. Your man will appreciate you more for it.
- Embrace the child, but don’t get too attached until you have a ring. There’s no use in playing step mom if there’s no future for you and him. So waiting around for a ring as an excuse to embrace the child is not necessarily smart if you're really clicking with him. Once he feels comfortable enough to introduce you two, you've got somebody new to "impress." Remember, if you don't hit it off with the child, you can't expect to get much further with him. I just suggest holding off on family outings until you're sure about him. Don't let him drop his child off on you in the very beginning. That shows a bad judgement call on his part.
- Keep a personal stash of money and a best friend on speed dial in case plans with your man ever fall through! Not really much else you can do in this situation. Either cancel your plans and sulk (or be the mature adult and help your man) or call on your homegirl. If things aren't too serious between you two, take another male friend. Another Team Rule: never abandon your other options until you become exclusive with someone.
- Lastly, and most importantly, ALWAYS use a form of contraception. If he was willing to take a risk the first time, we can only hope that he’ll be as careful the next. Being labeled as BM #2 is NOT cute. If he could stick and move with BM #1, there’s a possibility he may not stick with you. Remember, these are just my thoughts and those of my Team, if you find a man who rocks your world and has you rocking his baby’s cradle at the same time, then do you!

Live.Love.Learn…(and then repeat)!

-TS&S

IF A MAN WANTS YOU

One of my readers sent me this and I couldn't wait until next week's entry to post it. I don't know who wrote it, but I was told it was written by a man, so ladies, take a hint! (I've added my two cents along the way)

-If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. (Ain't that the truth!)
-Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
-Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. (To thine own self be true...that's a future topic!)
-Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.
-Slower is better. (He will respect you more...personal experience)
-Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
-If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. (Are you sure?...Damn, I'm always trying to save someone!)
-Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. (Preach! LOL!)
-Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself
a year later for staying when things are not better. (In my case it was, "he'll choose me"...four months later, he didn't and I'm salty)
-The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
-Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
-He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
-Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
-Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
-If something bothers you, speak up. (I did it...it worked)
-Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. (Don't leave a text/email/paper trail either)
-You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.
-Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god.
-He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
-Never let a man define who you are.
-Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
-A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. (Make it plain!)
-All men are NOT dogs.(But they sometimes look like them, lol...okay sorry, but damn, why am I not attracted to most of the good ones?!)
-You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.
-You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
-You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary. (That's what my Mama said!)
-Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. (I know that's right!)
-Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and your always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.
-Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
-Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Share this with other ladies..... You'll make someone SMILE, another
RETHINK her choices, and another woman PREPARE.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person (True), an hour to appreciate them (Hmmm...), a day to love them (Absolutely false) and an entire lifetime to forget them.

Perpetuating the Cycle

The purpose of this column is to voice the experiences/dilemmas/opinions of the 20-something "single" (meaning unmarried) female as she relates to dating and relationships. Let's be real, in this day and age, 30 and 40-something single females aren't the only ones facing the pressures associated with relationships, or more specifically, the lack thereof.

In the 20-something scheme of things, I’m in the “early twenties” range so yes, I’m still a “baby.” But I bet this “baby” has experienced the same things that older women have. Why? Because the cycle perpetuates itself. Between myself and a host of girlfriends, which I will refer to as my “team,” co-workers, family members and even random people I’ve met along the way, we’ve seen it all…been there, done that…I hope. It’s true; the same experiences my grandmother, aunts and older cousins faced at my age have been passed down. They even warn us about things before they happen. Of course, if we listened, we wouldn’t be in half the mess we’ve been involved in. We’re stubborn. We like to hope that this guy will be different or that we’ll be prepared. Newsflash: He isn’t and we’re not! Let’s face it. Guys aren’t clever enough to switch up the game or invent new rules. Remember ladies: Same game, different players. Same shit, different toilet. Our options: Learn to play the game and flush intermittently as to not totally funk up the situation!

My mother, who is 28 years my senior, never imagined she’d get married and she was perfectly content with the fact that she would be a successful, yet single woman. Unfortunately, in today’s society, her ideals represent the minority. The term single carries several negative connotations so I’ll just cite a few definitions: unmarried, lacking a partner, of or relating to celibacy, unaccompanied or unsupported by others, existing alone.

Well no wonder women nowadays aren’t comfortable with the possibility that they could be single…forever. Don’t worry, I fall victim too.

Let’s first examine the history of the woman. Quick Sunday school lesson: the Bible teaches us that in the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. He then, a couple days later, made man, to work in the land that he created. But God saw that he needed a suitable helper. So from his rib, he created woman. Well ladies, there’s our answer right there. Just as plain and simple as it can be, we were made from a man. Genetically, our existence was based, firstly on that of a man. Not only were we created from a man, we were placed here for a man. Without getting into too much detail read Genesis 2: 15, 18, 22, 24. Somehow, “suitable helper” has evolved over time to mean mother, lover, financer, etc. and we’ve allowed it to happen. Let it marinate, now let’s move on.

Back to my mother: She’s a fly little thang, but don’t tell her I said so. She’s never let anyone or anything get in the way of the plans she’d made for her life. From what I gather, she was going to handle her business and if a man fit into the equation, then so be it. She was definitely a catch and men were chasing. But by her mid-twenties, with most of her friends marrying around her, she was secure enough and had enough faith, that if marriage was meant for her, the right man would come along that would be able to accept her and present himself as a valuable compliment to her life. If only I could be so secure at times. Mom says, when you meet the one, you’ll know he’s the one. Easier said than done…or is it? Mom, at age 26, was set up on a blind date, four months later was engaged, one year after that, at age 28, was married and almost 24 years later is still married (shouts out to my Dad)! So, there must’ve been a method to her madness.

Question: How many times do women meet someone and right away know that he’s not the one, but try to stick it out in hopes that he’ll turn out to be the one? Answer: Too many times!

When we find ourselves in those situations, instead of stepping on a ‘limb’ of faith, we should just, “trim the limb, kill the tree.” The only way to stop a cycle from recurring is to tackle the issue when and where it starts. Twenty-something singles will turn into 40-something singles before you know it. If we figure out how to stop the cycle now, we’ll be better equipped for a love life in the future. My goal is to be like Mom was and still is: focused on the present and having faith that the future will fall right into place.

Live.Love.Learn...(and then repeat)!

-TS&S

An Introduction

At 20-something, is it unrealistic to dream of love? Is the prospect of a fulfilling and faithful long-term relationship unheard of? You mean to tell me that I can't be happy and in love now? Not fair!

Call me a hopeless romantic, but I still believe "he's" out there, whoever "he" is. And we will find each other, despite the odds against us. At 20-something, I still believe in straight-up love. It may be on the rocks at time, shaken and even stirred. It may be an acquired taste for some. It may get you hooked on the first round or take a while to build a tolerance for. It could up and leave you acting a complete fool, forgetting who you are. It could leave you open and vulnerable, saying and doing things you couldn't even imagine. It could burn going down, yet have the possibility of being so smooth. The thing is, you won't know until you try. Even with the warning on the label, it still won't stop you from drinking, I mean, dating. And there's no shame in that!

Dating, like drinking, before the appropriate age or phase in life doesn't allow you to appreciate it for what it is. It's like a rites of passage. Dating at 16 isn't the same as dating at 18, which isn't dating at 20-something. Well, at least it shouldn't be. If you sip on a wine cooler as a teen, you think you're really doing something. You might even think you're getting a buzz. But once you start drinking legally and get that first real hang over, you realize how foolish you were before. If you can relate to any of this or knows someone who can, subscribe to this blog, add your comments and let's start a dialogue.

Song for thought...Bobby Valentino: "Anonymous"
http://us.video.aol.com/player/launcher?pmmsid=1860826

Live.Love.Learn...(and then repeat)!

-TS&S

Welcome!

Hello Everyone!

Welcome to my blog! I'm a newbie to this form of technology, but I'm not new to living, loving and learning. I've created this blog to discuss with you the experiences that my friends and I have encountered and are still being faced with while being "Twenty-something and single." This blog is for men and women of all ages. I welcome you to be as open and candid with your comments/questions/concerns/advice/etc. as I am. Can't wait to get started!

Live.Love.Learn...(and then repeat)!

-TS&S