The beginning of a new season has called upon a new attitude and new outlook on my love life. I’ve made up in my mind that I want to focus on dating seriously versus serially (see “I’ve Found ‘Him,” Now What?”), but arriving at that decision was not the difficult part. See, it’s my mind that gets me into trouble. I have an imagination that wanders aimlessly, creating a sense of, what I’ve learned is false hope in the person(s) I’m dealing with at that time. So now, I am forced to decipher if what I’ve decided in my head is what’s best for my heart. If it is, then I have to learn to open my heart so that I can grow to love and be loved. But trusting someone else with my heart is hard to do when I don’t always trust myself.
Proverbs 4:23 reads, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it affects everything you do.” This Scripture serves as a word of warning for me because when I find myself falling deeply in like with someone, I immediately start to incorporate them into my daily routine and they begin to take over my thoughts, both consciously and unintentionally, without regard to my feelings being not only real, but mutual. The passage reminds me not to trust just anyone with access to my heart, my emotions and my life.
I’ve found it easier to serially date because the act parallels with what seems to have turned into my motto, “no pressure + no expectations = no disappointment,” but I’ve been lying to myself, thinking that an emotional detachment would prevent me from getting hurt. In reality, there was no one that I found capable of sharing such a connection. We would come close, but not close enough, and in one way or another it still equated to disappointment. I’m now in a position where I want to meet someone that I can start sharing with, but because of unsuccessful attempts in the past, I’m reluctant to open up, once again, in fear that placing trust in a new person will yield an old, yet familiar outcome.
As much as I claim to be ready to step out on a limb of faith or jump out of a plane in an effort to experience the rush of growing in love and in a serious relationship, I’m afraid. A guy I’m dating recently illustrated our present circumstance with me “still sitting in first class,” while he has “the plane door open and a defective parachute.” In theory, it’s nice to think that there’s somebody out there may actually want to take that risk with me, but my doubts on him finding me are still there. And there I go again; taking the same bag I packed for Aspen with me on my trip to Miami. And as my friend always says, you’ve got to unpack between trips, meaning that it’s not smart to carry baggage from prior situations into a new one because, “different climates call for different clothes.”
But what exactly does it mean to trust someone? And is trust gained right away or is it something earned over time? The dictionary defines trust as: 1reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence, 2confident expectation of something; hope. I’m learning that trust is one of those terms best described by the personal accounts of the individual defining the word.
If you’ve been let down before, you may argue (myself included) that trust is something earned and not something freely given. However, it’s the confidence we must find within ourselves that will allow us to diminish the doubt we have in others and present everyone new with a clean slate. For now, I’m trying really hard to find this as easy done as said. The Proverb does not teach us to guard our hearts altogether. Instead, we are advised to protect ourselves from those who are incompatible so that we aren’t robbed of the gifts that He has waiting for us. And what greater gift is there to receive, than the gift of love?
Monday, November 26, 2007
Friday, November 2, 2007
Three Men You Must Meet
I seek advice from friends all the time about dating, relationships and the lack thereof. However, I find the best advice comes from those deeply reflective conversations with my parents. Relating back to my previous post on the dating “cycle” and how it perpetuates through generations, all the things that I’ve encountered and have yet to experience, my parents have already been through. So, when I rush into a relationship that turns out to be a failure because we have nothing in common, I can remember my dad advising me to be a friend first. And when I come across a guy who seems to have the total package, I remember the three men my mom told me I must date. It may not be three different men, but instead three different situations that you should be familiar with before marriage.
Meet “Mr. 80/20”
If you’ve seen the movie, “Why Did I Get Married?” you’re probably familiar with the “80/20 rule.” But in this case, a guy that believes in the “80/20 relationship” is the guy that you like more than he likes you. You remember the school-girl crush you used to have for that fine upperclassman or the captain of the basketball team. The guy you used to fantasize about, the one you’d hoped would look your way and say, “hello.” The same way we fell head-over-heels back then, is the way we fall for “Mr. 80/20.” Blinded by whatever “it” is about him, you give him 80 percent of your emotions, oblivious to, or just not caring about, the fact that he’s only giving you 20 percent of his. If he does a good job of not coming across as blatantly self-absorbed, it will take you a while before getting the feeling that the relationship is a non-reciprocal give and take. You give, he takes. You’re ready to take two steps forward and he’s comfortable with standing still.
Meet “Mr. 20/80”
“Mr. 20/80” is the one who likes you more than you like him. If you meet “Mr. 20/80” after being with “Mr. 80/20,” he can be classified as the rebound, but he comes in many other forms. He’s the guy who offers to go out of his way for you, giving you 80 percent of his passion. He’s the one who treats you the way you deserve to be treated; like a queen. There’s something about “Mr. 20/80” that makes you feel you should be taking him a little more seriously. But whatever “it” is, is not enough. You feel bad about the situation because you were once in his shoes. But no woman should want a man to give his all if she knows she’s not willing to do the same. “Mr. 20/80” is great guy, but great for someone else.
Meet “Mr. 50/50”
“Mr. 50/50” is the one with which you share a common connection. You give and he returns, equally. You serve as each other’s friend, lover, counselor and so much more. He is your Mr. Right.
You may not meet these three men in the order discussed. There will be a couple cases of mistaken identity in your dating lifetime that will lead you to mistake “Mr. 80/20” for “Mr. 50/50” and “Mr. 50/50” for “Mr. 20/80.” Every woman’s Mr. Right is different. But if you now know what you want, what you deserve and what you won’t settle for, you’ll be able to make the distinction. Author John Powell once said, “The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.”
My mother suggests being in these three relationships so that you:
• Learn how much of yourself you’re not willing to lose in efforts to make someone else happy (80/20),
• Learn how not to take advantage of someone when you have the upper hand (20/80) and
• Learn that a true relationship is a relationship of equals(50/50).
Meet “Mr. 80/20”
If you’ve seen the movie, “Why Did I Get Married?” you’re probably familiar with the “80/20 rule.” But in this case, a guy that believes in the “80/20 relationship” is the guy that you like more than he likes you. You remember the school-girl crush you used to have for that fine upperclassman or the captain of the basketball team. The guy you used to fantasize about, the one you’d hoped would look your way and say, “hello.” The same way we fell head-over-heels back then, is the way we fall for “Mr. 80/20.” Blinded by whatever “it” is about him, you give him 80 percent of your emotions, oblivious to, or just not caring about, the fact that he’s only giving you 20 percent of his. If he does a good job of not coming across as blatantly self-absorbed, it will take you a while before getting the feeling that the relationship is a non-reciprocal give and take. You give, he takes. You’re ready to take two steps forward and he’s comfortable with standing still.
Meet “Mr. 20/80”
“Mr. 20/80” is the one who likes you more than you like him. If you meet “Mr. 20/80” after being with “Mr. 80/20,” he can be classified as the rebound, but he comes in many other forms. He’s the guy who offers to go out of his way for you, giving you 80 percent of his passion. He’s the one who treats you the way you deserve to be treated; like a queen. There’s something about “Mr. 20/80” that makes you feel you should be taking him a little more seriously. But whatever “it” is, is not enough. You feel bad about the situation because you were once in his shoes. But no woman should want a man to give his all if she knows she’s not willing to do the same. “Mr. 20/80” is great guy, but great for someone else.
Meet “Mr. 50/50”
“Mr. 50/50” is the one with which you share a common connection. You give and he returns, equally. You serve as each other’s friend, lover, counselor and so much more. He is your Mr. Right.
You may not meet these three men in the order discussed. There will be a couple cases of mistaken identity in your dating lifetime that will lead you to mistake “Mr. 80/20” for “Mr. 50/50” and “Mr. 50/50” for “Mr. 20/80.” Every woman’s Mr. Right is different. But if you now know what you want, what you deserve and what you won’t settle for, you’ll be able to make the distinction. Author John Powell once said, “The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.”
My mother suggests being in these three relationships so that you:
• Learn how much of yourself you’re not willing to lose in efforts to make someone else happy (80/20),
• Learn how not to take advantage of someone when you have the upper hand (20/80) and
• Learn that a true relationship is a relationship of equals(50/50).
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