The beginning of a new season has called upon a new attitude and new outlook on my love life. I’ve made up in my mind that I want to focus on dating seriously versus serially (see “I’ve Found ‘Him,” Now What?”), but arriving at that decision was not the difficult part. See, it’s my mind that gets me into trouble. I have an imagination that wanders aimlessly, creating a sense of, what I’ve learned is false hope in the person(s) I’m dealing with at that time. So now, I am forced to decipher if what I’ve decided in my head is what’s best for my heart. If it is, then I have to learn to open my heart so that I can grow to love and be loved. But trusting someone else with my heart is hard to do when I don’t always trust myself.
Proverbs 4:23 reads, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it affects everything you do.” This Scripture serves as a word of warning for me because when I find myself falling deeply in like with someone, I immediately start to incorporate them into my daily routine and they begin to take over my thoughts, both consciously and unintentionally, without regard to my feelings being not only real, but mutual. The passage reminds me not to trust just anyone with access to my heart, my emotions and my life.
I’ve found it easier to serially date because the act parallels with what seems to have turned into my motto, “no pressure + no expectations = no disappointment,” but I’ve been lying to myself, thinking that an emotional detachment would prevent me from getting hurt. In reality, there was no one that I found capable of sharing such a connection. We would come close, but not close enough, and in one way or another it still equated to disappointment. I’m now in a position where I want to meet someone that I can start sharing with, but because of unsuccessful attempts in the past, I’m reluctant to open up, once again, in fear that placing trust in a new person will yield an old, yet familiar outcome.
As much as I claim to be ready to step out on a limb of faith or jump out of a plane in an effort to experience the rush of growing in love and in a serious relationship, I’m afraid. A guy I’m dating recently illustrated our present circumstance with me “still sitting in first class,” while he has “the plane door open and a defective parachute.” In theory, it’s nice to think that there’s somebody out there may actually want to take that risk with me, but my doubts on him finding me are still there. And there I go again; taking the same bag I packed for Aspen with me on my trip to Miami. And as my friend always says, you’ve got to unpack between trips, meaning that it’s not smart to carry baggage from prior situations into a new one because, “different climates call for different clothes.”
But what exactly does it mean to trust someone? And is trust gained right away or is it something earned over time? The dictionary defines trust as: 1reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence, 2confident expectation of something; hope. I’m learning that trust is one of those terms best described by the personal accounts of the individual defining the word.
If you’ve been let down before, you may argue (myself included) that trust is something earned and not something freely given. However, it’s the confidence we must find within ourselves that will allow us to diminish the doubt we have in others and present everyone new with a clean slate. For now, I’m trying really hard to find this as easy done as said. The Proverb does not teach us to guard our hearts altogether. Instead, we are advised to protect ourselves from those who are incompatible so that we aren’t robbed of the gifts that He has waiting for us. And what greater gift is there to receive, than the gift of love?
Monday, November 26, 2007
Friday, November 2, 2007
Three Men You Must Meet
I seek advice from friends all the time about dating, relationships and the lack thereof. However, I find the best advice comes from those deeply reflective conversations with my parents. Relating back to my previous post on the dating “cycle” and how it perpetuates through generations, all the things that I’ve encountered and have yet to experience, my parents have already been through. So, when I rush into a relationship that turns out to be a failure because we have nothing in common, I can remember my dad advising me to be a friend first. And when I come across a guy who seems to have the total package, I remember the three men my mom told me I must date. It may not be three different men, but instead three different situations that you should be familiar with before marriage.
Meet “Mr. 80/20”
If you’ve seen the movie, “Why Did I Get Married?” you’re probably familiar with the “80/20 rule.” But in this case, a guy that believes in the “80/20 relationship” is the guy that you like more than he likes you. You remember the school-girl crush you used to have for that fine upperclassman or the captain of the basketball team. The guy you used to fantasize about, the one you’d hoped would look your way and say, “hello.” The same way we fell head-over-heels back then, is the way we fall for “Mr. 80/20.” Blinded by whatever “it” is about him, you give him 80 percent of your emotions, oblivious to, or just not caring about, the fact that he’s only giving you 20 percent of his. If he does a good job of not coming across as blatantly self-absorbed, it will take you a while before getting the feeling that the relationship is a non-reciprocal give and take. You give, he takes. You’re ready to take two steps forward and he’s comfortable with standing still.
Meet “Mr. 20/80”
“Mr. 20/80” is the one who likes you more than you like him. If you meet “Mr. 20/80” after being with “Mr. 80/20,” he can be classified as the rebound, but he comes in many other forms. He’s the guy who offers to go out of his way for you, giving you 80 percent of his passion. He’s the one who treats you the way you deserve to be treated; like a queen. There’s something about “Mr. 20/80” that makes you feel you should be taking him a little more seriously. But whatever “it” is, is not enough. You feel bad about the situation because you were once in his shoes. But no woman should want a man to give his all if she knows she’s not willing to do the same. “Mr. 20/80” is great guy, but great for someone else.
Meet “Mr. 50/50”
“Mr. 50/50” is the one with which you share a common connection. You give and he returns, equally. You serve as each other’s friend, lover, counselor and so much more. He is your Mr. Right.
You may not meet these three men in the order discussed. There will be a couple cases of mistaken identity in your dating lifetime that will lead you to mistake “Mr. 80/20” for “Mr. 50/50” and “Mr. 50/50” for “Mr. 20/80.” Every woman’s Mr. Right is different. But if you now know what you want, what you deserve and what you won’t settle for, you’ll be able to make the distinction. Author John Powell once said, “The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.”
My mother suggests being in these three relationships so that you:
• Learn how much of yourself you’re not willing to lose in efforts to make someone else happy (80/20),
• Learn how not to take advantage of someone when you have the upper hand (20/80) and
• Learn that a true relationship is a relationship of equals(50/50).
Meet “Mr. 80/20”
If you’ve seen the movie, “Why Did I Get Married?” you’re probably familiar with the “80/20 rule.” But in this case, a guy that believes in the “80/20 relationship” is the guy that you like more than he likes you. You remember the school-girl crush you used to have for that fine upperclassman or the captain of the basketball team. The guy you used to fantasize about, the one you’d hoped would look your way and say, “hello.” The same way we fell head-over-heels back then, is the way we fall for “Mr. 80/20.” Blinded by whatever “it” is about him, you give him 80 percent of your emotions, oblivious to, or just not caring about, the fact that he’s only giving you 20 percent of his. If he does a good job of not coming across as blatantly self-absorbed, it will take you a while before getting the feeling that the relationship is a non-reciprocal give and take. You give, he takes. You’re ready to take two steps forward and he’s comfortable with standing still.
Meet “Mr. 20/80”
“Mr. 20/80” is the one who likes you more than you like him. If you meet “Mr. 20/80” after being with “Mr. 80/20,” he can be classified as the rebound, but he comes in many other forms. He’s the guy who offers to go out of his way for you, giving you 80 percent of his passion. He’s the one who treats you the way you deserve to be treated; like a queen. There’s something about “Mr. 20/80” that makes you feel you should be taking him a little more seriously. But whatever “it” is, is not enough. You feel bad about the situation because you were once in his shoes. But no woman should want a man to give his all if she knows she’s not willing to do the same. “Mr. 20/80” is great guy, but great for someone else.
Meet “Mr. 50/50”
“Mr. 50/50” is the one with which you share a common connection. You give and he returns, equally. You serve as each other’s friend, lover, counselor and so much more. He is your Mr. Right.
You may not meet these three men in the order discussed. There will be a couple cases of mistaken identity in your dating lifetime that will lead you to mistake “Mr. 80/20” for “Mr. 50/50” and “Mr. 50/50” for “Mr. 20/80.” Every woman’s Mr. Right is different. But if you now know what you want, what you deserve and what you won’t settle for, you’ll be able to make the distinction. Author John Powell once said, “The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.”
My mother suggests being in these three relationships so that you:
• Learn how much of yourself you’re not willing to lose in efforts to make someone else happy (80/20),
• Learn how not to take advantage of someone when you have the upper hand (20/80) and
• Learn that a true relationship is a relationship of equals(50/50).
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Men: Like Fine Wine?
A couple of weeks ago, the prospect of dating a much older man was introduced to me and since then, I’ve been thinking about the possibilities. Over the course of my twenty-plus years of life, I've heard people say that females mature faster than males. I've even heard the numerical value of this maturity gap is around two years. This means that if I'm dating a 25-year-old man, he's really at the maturity level of a 23-year-old. Now I’m unsure if this "hypothesis" is a scientific fact, but I've found it to be true in, not all but, most cases. To remedy this, smart women have started to date older men, at least two years older, but even smarter women have moved further up in number. “Age Ain't Nothin' But A Number," wasn't just the title of Aaliyah's 1994 single, it's a frame of mind when we date nowadays. In an attempt to better understand the aging phases of men, I’ve compared it to the aging of a fine wine.
Some wine aficionados have led us to believe that the older the wine, the better. Aging wine anywhere from five to 50 years can change its character and the result is a smoother, subtler, more complex taste. However, a true connoisseur knows that only a few wines actually improve with age. According to www.foodandwine.net, “It depends on how the wine is marketed; whether it's for immediate consumption or for laying down. Yet, no matter which approach is taken, the wine will age in the same way. It will be undrinkable at first, then it will approach its peak, then it will plateau, then it will deteriorate to the point of being undrinkable.” So in retrospect, depending on how a man presents himself could determine if he’s already matured or if he should be put on the shelf for a couple of years.
When a younger woman dates an older man they could be looking for a variety of things including, but not limited to, maturity, financial stability (Sugar Daddy), wisdom, chivalry and the father they never had. An older man can offer these things because, it’s more likely that he has been through enough experiences, allowing him to have reached a point in his life where he is no longer struggling to discover who he is. He’s crossed off some of his life’s goals and he knows what he wants and how to get it…we hope. He’s also in a better position to be a provider and advisor. But let’s remember what was said about wine: after it’s peak (when they’ve reached an equal or higher level of maturity), there is a plateau (or area of stability) and then it will deteriorate (think J. Howard Marshall, Anna Nicole’s late husband who was 63 years her senior). I don’t disagree with dating older men, but ladies, at some point don’t you have to ask yourself, “Am I dating my daddy?” Seriously, how old is too old?
I never really warmed up to the idea of dating younger men, and for no real reason. Yet, the older guys I've dated haven't been that much older than me so, "mathematically," I guess I've always dated guys "my age." However, I have friends, both male and female, that prefer "dating up,” for very different reasons.
My friend Linda* is a 25-year-old woman with a college degree and a great career who recently purchased her own home. Her boyfriend is 40 with children close to her in age. Their relationship has been going strong for some time now and she gets along well with his children. Luke 5:39 reads, “And no one, after drinking old wine, wishes for new,” and Linda is not interested in dating anyone her age anymore! She won’t date a younger man or even one her age because she believes that younger men are “uncertain and are more likely to be competitive and insecure with [her] accomplishments than someone who will support her aspirations and share advice.”
Conversely, my friend, Sean*, dates older women because, “it’s cool, plain and simple.” He says it’s a plus if the woman is “beautiful and rich.” He agrees that the attraction stems from an increased maturity level (most of the time), the fact that she has a career, which means that they can foot the bill (Sugar Mama), and a mutual understanding on the direction of the relationship: no pressure, no expectations for things to get serious. Wasn’t that Stella’s M.O. before she fell in love with Winston (refer to: How Stella Got Her Groove Back by Terry McMillan)? I also tend to believe men date older women because, in return for whatever it is that they offer, they get an all-encompassing woman that fills a physical and emotional desire. At twenty-something, it is unnatural for a man to expect his mother to still do the things she did for him when he was a child. But an older woman, whom he is dating, can serve as a provider with extra benefits that mom can’t offer (wink). It’s like the school-boy’s crush on his friend’s mother, a term that was introduced to us as “MILF” in the movie American Pie.
All-in-all, age is really a preference. But I really do believe that like wine, a mature man is worth waiting for, finding and enjoying. The only challenge is deciphering between which wines, I mean men, actually mature with age and which ones never will.
Some wine aficionados have led us to believe that the older the wine, the better. Aging wine anywhere from five to 50 years can change its character and the result is a smoother, subtler, more complex taste. However, a true connoisseur knows that only a few wines actually improve with age. According to www.foodandwine.net, “It depends on how the wine is marketed; whether it's for immediate consumption or for laying down. Yet, no matter which approach is taken, the wine will age in the same way. It will be undrinkable at first, then it will approach its peak, then it will plateau, then it will deteriorate to the point of being undrinkable.” So in retrospect, depending on how a man presents himself could determine if he’s already matured or if he should be put on the shelf for a couple of years.
When a younger woman dates an older man they could be looking for a variety of things including, but not limited to, maturity, financial stability (Sugar Daddy), wisdom, chivalry and the father they never had. An older man can offer these things because, it’s more likely that he has been through enough experiences, allowing him to have reached a point in his life where he is no longer struggling to discover who he is. He’s crossed off some of his life’s goals and he knows what he wants and how to get it…we hope. He’s also in a better position to be a provider and advisor. But let’s remember what was said about wine: after it’s peak (when they’ve reached an equal or higher level of maturity), there is a plateau (or area of stability) and then it will deteriorate (think J. Howard Marshall, Anna Nicole’s late husband who was 63 years her senior). I don’t disagree with dating older men, but ladies, at some point don’t you have to ask yourself, “Am I dating my daddy?” Seriously, how old is too old?
I never really warmed up to the idea of dating younger men, and for no real reason. Yet, the older guys I've dated haven't been that much older than me so, "mathematically," I guess I've always dated guys "my age." However, I have friends, both male and female, that prefer "dating up,” for very different reasons.
My friend Linda* is a 25-year-old woman with a college degree and a great career who recently purchased her own home. Her boyfriend is 40 with children close to her in age. Their relationship has been going strong for some time now and she gets along well with his children. Luke 5:39 reads, “And no one, after drinking old wine, wishes for new,” and Linda is not interested in dating anyone her age anymore! She won’t date a younger man or even one her age because she believes that younger men are “uncertain and are more likely to be competitive and insecure with [her] accomplishments than someone who will support her aspirations and share advice.”
Conversely, my friend, Sean*, dates older women because, “it’s cool, plain and simple.” He says it’s a plus if the woman is “beautiful and rich.” He agrees that the attraction stems from an increased maturity level (most of the time), the fact that she has a career, which means that they can foot the bill (Sugar Mama), and a mutual understanding on the direction of the relationship: no pressure, no expectations for things to get serious. Wasn’t that Stella’s M.O. before she fell in love with Winston (refer to: How Stella Got Her Groove Back by Terry McMillan)? I also tend to believe men date older women because, in return for whatever it is that they offer, they get an all-encompassing woman that fills a physical and emotional desire. At twenty-something, it is unnatural for a man to expect his mother to still do the things she did for him when he was a child. But an older woman, whom he is dating, can serve as a provider with extra benefits that mom can’t offer (wink). It’s like the school-boy’s crush on his friend’s mother, a term that was introduced to us as “MILF” in the movie American Pie.
All-in-all, age is really a preference. But I really do believe that like wine, a mature man is worth waiting for, finding and enjoying. The only challenge is deciphering between which wines, I mean men, actually mature with age and which ones never will.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
I’ve Found "Him," Now What?
My TEAM and I have asked ourselves over and over, “Where are all the good men hiding?” Well, I’ve already told you in a previous post that they’re actually not hiding. In fact, since that post, I’ve bumped into three! And so now that that mystery has been revealed, you’d think I’d be pleased with the outcome. Think again! It’s great that I’ve found “him,” but now what? I’ve realized that it’s not that there’s a shortage of good men, it’s that when women find them, they don’t know how to appreciate them. Okay, so maybe my revelation was a no-brainer to some, but I never thought I’d be one of those unappreciative women until now…allow me to explain.
I swear I come up with a new definition for dating every time I go out with someone new. Dictionary.com defines dating as, an engagement to go out socially with another person, often out of romantic interest. Auntie says that dating is what you do when you’re trying to find a mate or, if things don’t go well; get a free meal (I promise she means that in the most respectable way possible). However, what people fail to define is the emotional difference between what I’d like to call “serially dating” and “seriously dating.”
Seriously dating is just that, taking the time to learn and grow with one person in all aspects. Serially dating is what I refer to as dating people sequentially (and simultaneously) just for the fun of it, with no expectations, no pressure. It’s a sure-fire way to get to know a couple of people and create a couple of new experiences. But what happens when you’ve been serially dating and find you're seriously falling for one of the guys? That’s where I’ve always dropped the ball. I start dating, say five guys at a time, all of them offering different things, yet, inevitably, one guy (sometimes two) starts to stand out from the bunch and eventually I start falling for them…seriously. Then, like clockwork, I catch myself and I start to renege on my emotions. It ends up leaving the both of us totally confused and instead of an explanation, I’d rather just start from scratch…substitute him out, add another one in.
But lately, I’ve been subbing in this new guy. Believe it or not, to be a rookie, he’s got skills. It’s great to have finally met someone who meets almost all of the “must-haves” on my list. It’s almost too good to be true. So instead of building up a wall, I’m really trying to break down all the other boundaries I usually set and seriously work on letting him in, even if he turns out to be just a friend. But, opening up to something or someone that you haven’t experienced before is never easy. Like I did in the post titled, “An Introduction,” I think I can best describe this situation by comparing it to alcohol:
“At 20-something, I still believe in straight-up love. It may be on the rocks at time, shaken and even stirred. It may be an acquired taste for some. It may get you hooked on the first round or take a while to build a tolerance for. It could up and leave you acting a complete fool, forgetting who you are. It could leave you open and vulnerable, saying and doing things you couldn't even imagine. It could burn going down, yet have the possibility of being so smooth. The thing is, you won't know until you try.”
Unfortunately, doubt has a way of stumbling its way into situations. As soon as I start to give this rookie more playing time, all the players I’ve since benched, want to start showing off to get the coach’s (my) attention. It’s not fair to him, or to me. He’s been performing consistently from the start, while others’ abilities come and go at their leisure. Just when the rookie thinks he’s making a name for himself, I start second-guessing his ability and whether or not I’m missing out on any other valuable players that may be ready to get back on the court. As always, women know what to do; they just don’t know how to do it. And as the title reflects, this time, I don’t have any answers…
I swear I come up with a new definition for dating every time I go out with someone new. Dictionary.com defines dating as, an engagement to go out socially with another person, often out of romantic interest. Auntie says that dating is what you do when you’re trying to find a mate or, if things don’t go well; get a free meal (I promise she means that in the most respectable way possible). However, what people fail to define is the emotional difference between what I’d like to call “serially dating” and “seriously dating.”
Seriously dating is just that, taking the time to learn and grow with one person in all aspects. Serially dating is what I refer to as dating people sequentially (and simultaneously) just for the fun of it, with no expectations, no pressure. It’s a sure-fire way to get to know a couple of people and create a couple of new experiences. But what happens when you’ve been serially dating and find you're seriously falling for one of the guys? That’s where I’ve always dropped the ball. I start dating, say five guys at a time, all of them offering different things, yet, inevitably, one guy (sometimes two) starts to stand out from the bunch and eventually I start falling for them…seriously. Then, like clockwork, I catch myself and I start to renege on my emotions. It ends up leaving the both of us totally confused and instead of an explanation, I’d rather just start from scratch…substitute him out, add another one in.
But lately, I’ve been subbing in this new guy. Believe it or not, to be a rookie, he’s got skills. It’s great to have finally met someone who meets almost all of the “must-haves” on my list. It’s almost too good to be true. So instead of building up a wall, I’m really trying to break down all the other boundaries I usually set and seriously work on letting him in, even if he turns out to be just a friend. But, opening up to something or someone that you haven’t experienced before is never easy. Like I did in the post titled, “An Introduction,” I think I can best describe this situation by comparing it to alcohol:
“At 20-something, I still believe in straight-up love. It may be on the rocks at time, shaken and even stirred. It may be an acquired taste for some. It may get you hooked on the first round or take a while to build a tolerance for. It could up and leave you acting a complete fool, forgetting who you are. It could leave you open and vulnerable, saying and doing things you couldn't even imagine. It could burn going down, yet have the possibility of being so smooth. The thing is, you won't know until you try.”
Unfortunately, doubt has a way of stumbling its way into situations. As soon as I start to give this rookie more playing time, all the players I’ve since benched, want to start showing off to get the coach’s (my) attention. It’s not fair to him, or to me. He’s been performing consistently from the start, while others’ abilities come and go at their leisure. Just when the rookie thinks he’s making a name for himself, I start second-guessing his ability and whether or not I’m missing out on any other valuable players that may be ready to get back on the court. As always, women know what to do; they just don’t know how to do it. And as the title reflects, this time, I don’t have any answers…
Friday, September 14, 2007
By Choice & By Chance
I enjoyed a great dinner with a new friend the other weekend and we started talking about our failed relationships. Okay, so I know that everyone warns against bringing up past relationships, especially messy ones, but hell, it’s too late now! What I learned from him is that, believe it or not, guys are just as hurt when a relationship goes wrong and, surprisingly, it’s just as hard for them to move on.
As we talked about what went wrong and the signs that we ignored, it forced me to think about how difficult it must be to remain in a relationship that’s long term. I, for one, was in a monogamous relationship for three long years (wish I could say the same for my ex). To make a long story short, when it was good it was great, but when things were bad, it was the absolute worst of times. And as unfortunate as it may sound, I haven’t been in a long-term relationship since I split from him a little over two years ago because, at times, it's too much work trying to make it work! After sharing this, my new friend made a very good observation:
Once you’ve become so emotionally involved with someone and love enters the equation, it’s almost like you start living for two people, no longer just for yourself. You consider them before making major decisions and you plan your future with them in mind. You look at them in almost the same regard as your family.
Take it from me. On one hand, being committed to someone in that respect can be emotionally draining. On the other hand, I think about married couples, like my parents, who’ve weathered the storms and would laugh at what I consider “emotionally draining” and “long-term.”
Married for 24 years next month, it’s amazing to see two people that have loved each other for so long…or is it? Nine months after marriage, my parents welcome me into the world, so now that their children are grown, they go on dates and trips…quite cute. And it also surprises me to see two people, find ways to fall in love in a new, yet familiar way, over and over again. I think of it as a wonderful challenge, but a challenge nonetheless!
But should it be that difficult at all? We love our parents, our siblings and our friends and we’ve known them practically all our lives. Through good and bad times, ups and downs, we find a way to love them unconditionally, even though we can’t stand them at times. This is most likely because we were "assigned" our families. We ended up with them by chance, not because we chose them (although you'd think that things would be better had we been given a choice sometimes). So then why should our romantic involvement with the opposite sex be any different?
It seems as if my generation of twenty-somethings is pretty much lackadaisical when it comes to sustaining a relationship. As soon as “John” disappoints “Jane (or vice versa),” she’s ready to wash her hands of him. They probably spent more time in the dating phase than in the actual relationship before they decide to call it quits! When we have a choice in the matters of our heart, we’re quick to give up as soon as things go wrong. But if we were to start treating our relationships like they were by chance, we’d be forced to make things work and last…well, at least last longer.
I’d really like to save shacking up for another post, but I remember having a talk about it with my aunt. My argument was that it might be smart to move in with your significant other prior to marriage to see if it’s possible to really live with that person, in close quarters, for the rest of your life. My aunt, begged to differ, saying that a couple has no other choice but to make things work if they wait until after marriage to move in together. It creates an opportunity to test your love and grow from the results.
Now, allow me to make one very important point. I am NOT condoning a person trying to sustain a cheating or any other disrespectful type of relationship. You all know when it’s time to go. Leaving his socks out may not be grounds for a break up, but if he socks you in the eye, you need to be on the next thing smokin’! By choice and by chance simply means that if you have decided to be in a committed relationship with someone, do just that and commit to them, like you have no other choice, rather than giving up right away. A chance at real love is hard to come by. I’m sure you’ve all realized by now that a good man is hard to find so when you do snag one, make it work! Learn something from each other and your experiences together so that you become better people individually.
Until next time: "Live.Love.Learn...and then repeat!"
-TS&S
*This post is dedicated to a few of my TEAMMATES who’ve sold out to be in a relationship! I seriously wish you the best…more men for me!
As we talked about what went wrong and the signs that we ignored, it forced me to think about how difficult it must be to remain in a relationship that’s long term. I, for one, was in a monogamous relationship for three long years (wish I could say the same for my ex). To make a long story short, when it was good it was great, but when things were bad, it was the absolute worst of times. And as unfortunate as it may sound, I haven’t been in a long-term relationship since I split from him a little over two years ago because, at times, it's too much work trying to make it work! After sharing this, my new friend made a very good observation:
Once you’ve become so emotionally involved with someone and love enters the equation, it’s almost like you start living for two people, no longer just for yourself. You consider them before making major decisions and you plan your future with them in mind. You look at them in almost the same regard as your family.
Take it from me. On one hand, being committed to someone in that respect can be emotionally draining. On the other hand, I think about married couples, like my parents, who’ve weathered the storms and would laugh at what I consider “emotionally draining” and “long-term.”
Married for 24 years next month, it’s amazing to see two people that have loved each other for so long…or is it? Nine months after marriage, my parents welcome me into the world, so now that their children are grown, they go on dates and trips…quite cute. And it also surprises me to see two people, find ways to fall in love in a new, yet familiar way, over and over again. I think of it as a wonderful challenge, but a challenge nonetheless!
But should it be that difficult at all? We love our parents, our siblings and our friends and we’ve known them practically all our lives. Through good and bad times, ups and downs, we find a way to love them unconditionally, even though we can’t stand them at times. This is most likely because we were "assigned" our families. We ended up with them by chance, not because we chose them (although you'd think that things would be better had we been given a choice sometimes). So then why should our romantic involvement with the opposite sex be any different?
It seems as if my generation of twenty-somethings is pretty much lackadaisical when it comes to sustaining a relationship. As soon as “John” disappoints “Jane (or vice versa),” she’s ready to wash her hands of him. They probably spent more time in the dating phase than in the actual relationship before they decide to call it quits! When we have a choice in the matters of our heart, we’re quick to give up as soon as things go wrong. But if we were to start treating our relationships like they were by chance, we’d be forced to make things work and last…well, at least last longer.
I’d really like to save shacking up for another post, but I remember having a talk about it with my aunt. My argument was that it might be smart to move in with your significant other prior to marriage to see if it’s possible to really live with that person, in close quarters, for the rest of your life. My aunt, begged to differ, saying that a couple has no other choice but to make things work if they wait until after marriage to move in together. It creates an opportunity to test your love and grow from the results.
Now, allow me to make one very important point. I am NOT condoning a person trying to sustain a cheating or any other disrespectful type of relationship. You all know when it’s time to go. Leaving his socks out may not be grounds for a break up, but if he socks you in the eye, you need to be on the next thing smokin’! By choice and by chance simply means that if you have decided to be in a committed relationship with someone, do just that and commit to them, like you have no other choice, rather than giving up right away. A chance at real love is hard to come by. I’m sure you’ve all realized by now that a good man is hard to find so when you do snag one, make it work! Learn something from each other and your experiences together so that you become better people individually.
Until next time: "Live.Love.Learn...and then repeat!"
-TS&S
*This post is dedicated to a few of my TEAMMATES who’ve sold out to be in a relationship! I seriously wish you the best…more men for me!
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Table for One: Being Comfortable Being Alone
It's five o'clock! You've had a long day at work or school and it's time to relax. You can opt for a night out with the girls or meet that new recruit for drinks. But what if you can't? Are your girls doing the couples thing tonight and your rookie unavailable? What is your plan B if other plans fall through? Do you just decide to stay in? Consider this: call on that best friend, the one that knows you the best. The one that you can be most comfortable with in your own skin...YOU!
Hit the wine & spirits store and purchase your favorite bottle of wine. Choose your favorite movie or splurge and order a new release On Demand. Put on your favorite pair of sweats, curl up in a blanket and enjoy your own company. When the movie is over, you can give your nails a fresh coat of polish, touch up the eyebrows and play around with some new hair styles and make-up techniques. A night in, alone, could do you some good. But let's take it a step further by giving yourself the chance to add more people to your roster of "going out" options. It's easier to stay in when you're by yourself so be bold for once. Get dressed, as if you were going out with your girls or to meet that cutie. Strut out of the door, and head over to a place where you can mix and mingle. My personal pick, the bar at a restaurant. Sit your fine self at the bar (or in a place where you are visible to others) and order your favorite drink, the one that contains enough alcohol to give you that buzz of confidence you'll need. (Note: I stress the word buzz, which in no way means tipsy and definitely not drunk! Don't forget, you are alone and you must keep a level head so that you make it home safely.) Scope out the scene and the people around you. Any prospects?
I once read that a good way to hint that you're interested in someone is to stare at them. Yes, stare! If you were raised right, you're probably thinking this is one of the rudest things you could do, but trust me...it works! If you engage in some innocent eye contact, you'll give off the flirty aura that you are approachable, which should give him the confidence he needs to approach you. If you don't believe me, try walking down the street today and flashing a smile at a stranger as you pass. The stranger will either look at you like you're crazy or smile back. However, I promise that the latter is the more natural response.
Remember that no matter how cocky they may come across, ALL guys are afraid of rejection so you have to give them every reason to believe that when they do get up the nerve to come speak to you, they either won't get turned down, or they'll get turned down nicely. If you're out with a group of your girlfriends, it can be intimidating for a guy to approach you. He knows that there's a fifty percent chance that he'll get rejected, not only in front of you, but in front of all of your girls. When he notices you're seated alone, he'll be more likely to make his move. But if you're not quite ready to go at it alone, try limiting your party to just you and one other female friend (and make sure you send her to the bathroom to check her make up as much as possible, lol). A male friend, gay or straight, still sends off an unapproachable vibe.
But let's go back to your table for one. You don't HAVE to go out with the expectation of meeting someone. Being comforatble being alone shows great maturity and growth. How can anybody be content with you if you're not content with yourself? Take the alone time to appreciate and celebrate your single status. There'll come a day when you'll long for some "you time."
Hit the wine & spirits store and purchase your favorite bottle of wine. Choose your favorite movie or splurge and order a new release On Demand. Put on your favorite pair of sweats, curl up in a blanket and enjoy your own company. When the movie is over, you can give your nails a fresh coat of polish, touch up the eyebrows and play around with some new hair styles and make-up techniques. A night in, alone, could do you some good. But let's take it a step further by giving yourself the chance to add more people to your roster of "going out" options. It's easier to stay in when you're by yourself so be bold for once. Get dressed, as if you were going out with your girls or to meet that cutie. Strut out of the door, and head over to a place where you can mix and mingle. My personal pick, the bar at a restaurant. Sit your fine self at the bar (or in a place where you are visible to others) and order your favorite drink, the one that contains enough alcohol to give you that buzz of confidence you'll need. (Note: I stress the word buzz, which in no way means tipsy and definitely not drunk! Don't forget, you are alone and you must keep a level head so that you make it home safely.) Scope out the scene and the people around you. Any prospects?
I once read that a good way to hint that you're interested in someone is to stare at them. Yes, stare! If you were raised right, you're probably thinking this is one of the rudest things you could do, but trust me...it works! If you engage in some innocent eye contact, you'll give off the flirty aura that you are approachable, which should give him the confidence he needs to approach you. If you don't believe me, try walking down the street today and flashing a smile at a stranger as you pass. The stranger will either look at you like you're crazy or smile back. However, I promise that the latter is the more natural response.
Remember that no matter how cocky they may come across, ALL guys are afraid of rejection so you have to give them every reason to believe that when they do get up the nerve to come speak to you, they either won't get turned down, or they'll get turned down nicely. If you're out with a group of your girlfriends, it can be intimidating for a guy to approach you. He knows that there's a fifty percent chance that he'll get rejected, not only in front of you, but in front of all of your girls. When he notices you're seated alone, he'll be more likely to make his move. But if you're not quite ready to go at it alone, try limiting your party to just you and one other female friend (and make sure you send her to the bathroom to check her make up as much as possible, lol). A male friend, gay or straight, still sends off an unapproachable vibe.
But let's go back to your table for one. You don't HAVE to go out with the expectation of meeting someone. Being comforatble being alone shows great maturity and growth. How can anybody be content with you if you're not content with yourself? Take the alone time to appreciate and celebrate your single status. There'll come a day when you'll long for some "you time."
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Is He The One?
This is a blog topic of one of my Big Sisters (it runs in the family)!!! Read the blurb below and then click on the link to read more! With literally most of my friends getting engaged and married, I've realized the "Cylce" that I spoke about in a previous post is certainly true! Read what advice Robin has to share as a married woman. Enjoy!
Almost all adult women have wrestled with this question: “Is he the One”? Deciding to marry someone and prayerfully spend the rest of your life with that person is obviously overwhelming. Below I have given 13 questions that I think should be on the top of your list. This is not an exhaustive list. I could go on and on but I narrowed it to thirteen (which is such a weird number but I had to make myself stop somewhere). If you can’t answer YES to all questions (except for questions 5 and 12…those should be NO) you should slow down b/c that indicates big RED FLAGS!
One more thing. Remember that you must always leave room for the Holy Spirit. Things will never be perfect in a marriage, and you may never have all the answers. But you can cut down on a lot by being wise as you move forward in relationships.
Read more at LiveLoveLaugh (our titles are even similar :) Go to her page and let her know what you think!
Almost all adult women have wrestled with this question: “Is he the One”? Deciding to marry someone and prayerfully spend the rest of your life with that person is obviously overwhelming. Below I have given 13 questions that I think should be on the top of your list. This is not an exhaustive list. I could go on and on but I narrowed it to thirteen (which is such a weird number but I had to make myself stop somewhere). If you can’t answer YES to all questions (except for questions 5 and 12…those should be NO) you should slow down b/c that indicates big RED FLAGS!
One more thing. Remember that you must always leave room for the Holy Spirit. Things will never be perfect in a marriage, and you may never have all the answers. But you can cut down on a lot by being wise as you move forward in relationships.
Read more at LiveLoveLaugh (our titles are even similar :) Go to her page and let her know what you think!
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Good Guys Finish Last...but they do finish!
We've all heard the phrase, "Good guys finish last," and we all know this to be true. The "good guy," who will treat you like the queen you are, is hardly ever the "type" that we end up falling for. When it comes to dating, fools rush in. In this race to a relationship, rushing to the finish line forces me to ask the question: does it really matter who finishes first?
I thought the prospect of a good guy was unconceivable, but alas, I've found where they've been hiding. You would be so upset to know that they're actually not hiding. They've been right under our noses the ENTIRE time! Remember the guys that you didn't give the time of day to because they didn't measure up to your list of unrealistic criteria? Admit it, half of your expectations are superficial.
Do away with the lists. But if you decide to keep one, list only the things that have substance, “must-haves” that cannot be negotiated. We didn't become fabulous over night and we can't expect men to be our "Mr. Everything" right away either. A friend's mother put it best when speaking of her husband and soul mate, "Honey, he didn't come out of the box that way." What this means is, he may have all of the parts, yet no one has taken the time to assemble them. I am, in no way, referring to changing or rearranging a man. However, I do want to stress re-evaluating some men you may have carelessly let pass by.
If you're anything like me, you've been attracted to the "good looking guy;" the smooth talker who knows just what to say to get just what he wants; the same guy that considers himself the catch, and not you. Aside from physical perks, he lacks just about everything else, but you make excuses because he's easy on the eye. Security in a man is a huge factor in relationships; not only financial security, but physical as well. So maybe you tend to go for the guy who's a little rough around the edges and makes you feel protected. All of this is unimportant in the grand scheme. The point is that no matter how fine he is or how secure you may think you feel; you end up unhappy and unfulfilled with no one to blame but yourself. Here you are running around screaming about how all men are dogs, all along knowing he was “Mr. Right” for all the wrong reasons. So today, I'm proposing that we all date outside of our box.
If you've never considered a short man being your ideal man, give it a try. Supermodels have been doing it for years! You'd be amazed at who you might've overlooked...literally! Is his wardrobe all wrong? Then take him on a trip to the mall or subtly point him in the direction of appealing menswear. If you’ve been sporting a few extra pounds, you can not expect him to sport a six-pack! You have to learn to compromise. Don’t let go of the guy who knows just what to say and actually means it. There’s no greater feeling than when he makes you blush without even trying. If you plan to experience true love and happiness (and yes, the two exist), you’ve got to be real with your expectations in a partner.
I'm forecasting what will be the latest trend. Just like platform shoes, the "good guy" is back in style! Stop kissing frogs in hopes that your Prince Charming will be revealed. Snag him before somebody else does!
Stay tuned for more on this topic...
Live.Love.Learn…(and then repeat)!
-TS&S
I thought the prospect of a good guy was unconceivable, but alas, I've found where they've been hiding. You would be so upset to know that they're actually not hiding. They've been right under our noses the ENTIRE time! Remember the guys that you didn't give the time of day to because they didn't measure up to your list of unrealistic criteria? Admit it, half of your expectations are superficial.
Do away with the lists. But if you decide to keep one, list only the things that have substance, “must-haves” that cannot be negotiated. We didn't become fabulous over night and we can't expect men to be our "Mr. Everything" right away either. A friend's mother put it best when speaking of her husband and soul mate, "Honey, he didn't come out of the box that way." What this means is, he may have all of the parts, yet no one has taken the time to assemble them. I am, in no way, referring to changing or rearranging a man. However, I do want to stress re-evaluating some men you may have carelessly let pass by.
If you're anything like me, you've been attracted to the "good looking guy;" the smooth talker who knows just what to say to get just what he wants; the same guy that considers himself the catch, and not you. Aside from physical perks, he lacks just about everything else, but you make excuses because he's easy on the eye. Security in a man is a huge factor in relationships; not only financial security, but physical as well. So maybe you tend to go for the guy who's a little rough around the edges and makes you feel protected. All of this is unimportant in the grand scheme. The point is that no matter how fine he is or how secure you may think you feel; you end up unhappy and unfulfilled with no one to blame but yourself. Here you are running around screaming about how all men are dogs, all along knowing he was “Mr. Right” for all the wrong reasons. So today, I'm proposing that we all date outside of our box.
If you've never considered a short man being your ideal man, give it a try. Supermodels have been doing it for years! You'd be amazed at who you might've overlooked...literally! Is his wardrobe all wrong? Then take him on a trip to the mall or subtly point him in the direction of appealing menswear. If you’ve been sporting a few extra pounds, you can not expect him to sport a six-pack! You have to learn to compromise. Don’t let go of the guy who knows just what to say and actually means it. There’s no greater feeling than when he makes you blush without even trying. If you plan to experience true love and happiness (and yes, the two exist), you’ve got to be real with your expectations in a partner.
I'm forecasting what will be the latest trend. Just like platform shoes, the "good guy" is back in style! Stop kissing frogs in hopes that your Prince Charming will be revealed. Snag him before somebody else does!
Stay tuned for more on this topic...
Live.Love.Learn…(and then repeat)!
-TS&S
Sunday, July 8, 2007
Tangled Up In 'No Strings Attached'
You’ve come to a point in your life where you’ve finally gotten a hold on your life. Maybe you’ve just freed yourself from a tumultuous relationship. Maybe you’ve finally found a balance between school/work, finances, and your spiritual and social life. You enjoy hanging out with the girls from time-to-time, but eventually you start to crave the attention of a man. You’re not totally ready to invest your time and emotions into another relationship nor are you ready to stop basking in your own glow, and rightfully so! It’s natural for us, as women, to want to be held, kissed, cuddled and even pleased, sexually. Although we can be independent women, not wanting the commitment that a new relationship entails, every once-in-a-while we’d like the affection and attention of one. The term associated with this is called “no strings attached” (NSA). NSA is an idiom used in the English language meaning without conditions or obligations; without a catch. However, actor/comedian Bill Bellamy has fondly coined it as a “booty call."
I don’t want to discuss a booty call (BC) or NSA relationship, which is in fact a relationship, believe it or not. Instead, I want to discuss when one party starts to get attached to the situation that is solely based on avoiding a connection.
By nature, women are emotional creatures. No matter how you slice it, the vast majority of us feed off of our and other people’s emotions. So what happens when you’ve subconsciously devoted your emotions to a man who has no emotional ties to you? As my Team would say, you and this man are “strictly dickly” (ok, I know we use this term to define our sexual preference, but it works in this sense too). I know it’s against the rules for you to fall for this guy, but it happens to both men and women so how do we deal with it? Can a BC ever really turn into anything more?
In most situations, the chances are slim to none. To some, a BC is a great alternative to a committed relationship, or in some cases, a great addition. Allow me to share a story with you about my teammate, Gin*. Gin, new to single life, vowed to stick to the dating scene for a while. She had no intentions of things getting serious or exclusive. This lasted for about six months before her sexual energy had reached an all time high. After a few weeks of conversation with a new guy, she found herself, at the end of a great first date, “getting to know” this certain someone a little better. I’d like to explore how soon is too soon in a later post.
Both parties had stated, prior to the date, that they weren’t looking for anything serious. But Gin, not accustomed to the situation she’d gotten herself into, found herself trying to make the courting phase catch up to the sex. One night eventually turned into a pattern of routine BCs, almost totally eliminating any activity outside of a bedroom. On one hand, she liked what they’d started: an agreement that they’d call on only each other in the time of “need,” leaving them both free to date other people. Yet on the other hand, she hated the fact that she was giving something so precious to someone who didn’t see her worth anything more. Long story short, the feelings of wanting him to want her for more than just a BC overpowered what started out as a great commitment-free, "friend with benefits" relationship.
I haven’t met one woman who in their heart of hearts didn’t want, ultimately, a committed, monogamous relationship. As much as you try to deny it, ladies, love is NOT for losers all the time and at some point you’ve secretly wished for that of which you didn’t have, one man all to yourself. I know I get that feeling at least every fourteenth of February! So if you’re a part of the large portion of women who are channeled by emotion, you could be in for a rude awakening by falling for your BC…not to mention a blow to your ego.
In Gin’s experience, you may really have to just chalk him up and start from scratch in terms of trying to make things more serious between you two. Get to know someone new without giving him the goods and when you find yourself in the giving mood, then call on your BC. That’s what he’s there for. There are strict guidelines to NSA. There has to be something about this guy that you absolutely cannot tolerate or compromise. Reminding yourself of these things will keep him out of the running as a potential mate and you’ll restrict your emotions from going much further. You also won't be offended, wondering what makes the women he's dating special enough to court.
In life, there are always options. I’ll offer two. Option 1: Recruit, recruit, recruit. That’s always my motto. If you’re steady scouting other players like he is, you can bench him and sub someone else in when you feel those emotions starting to surface. If you were rotating players, you wouldn’t have fallen for him in the first place.
Option 2: You can choose to continue the BC relationship, but keep in mind that rarely (and I mean your chances are slim to none) does it develop into anything more. A male friend put it best: Dating is like recruiting an all-star lineup for a basketball team (yes, any relationship can be compared to sports. I prefer the game of basketball so I suggest you learn and understand the game). When recruiting (dating) for your team, you are looking for people who possess specific skills (characteristics). Guys are busy recruiting too. If you know you’ve been recruited for your skills in bed, he’ll be expecting you to continue to showcase those skills. Not to say that you don’t have other talents, but you haven’t been recruited for them. If you stop performing, he’ll be quick to bench you, or worse, trade you. Your best bet is to practice ways to perfect and highlight those skills on days other than game night. Once that’s perfected, and I stress the word perfected when it come to substituting the skill of sex, sporadically display them until he realizes what else you have to offer. But even then, he may not be interested so be prepared. Good luck taking your chances!
Let me know how you feel on this subject. If you know of a relationship, that started as NSA and turned into something more, I’m most interested in hearing your comments.
Live.Love.Learn…(and then repeat)!
-TS&S
*Name has been changed to keep identity anonymous
I don’t want to discuss a booty call (BC) or NSA relationship, which is in fact a relationship, believe it or not. Instead, I want to discuss when one party starts to get attached to the situation that is solely based on avoiding a connection.
By nature, women are emotional creatures. No matter how you slice it, the vast majority of us feed off of our and other people’s emotions. So what happens when you’ve subconsciously devoted your emotions to a man who has no emotional ties to you? As my Team would say, you and this man are “strictly dickly” (ok, I know we use this term to define our sexual preference, but it works in this sense too). I know it’s against the rules for you to fall for this guy, but it happens to both men and women so how do we deal with it? Can a BC ever really turn into anything more?
In most situations, the chances are slim to none. To some, a BC is a great alternative to a committed relationship, or in some cases, a great addition. Allow me to share a story with you about my teammate, Gin*. Gin, new to single life, vowed to stick to the dating scene for a while. She had no intentions of things getting serious or exclusive. This lasted for about six months before her sexual energy had reached an all time high. After a few weeks of conversation with a new guy, she found herself, at the end of a great first date, “getting to know” this certain someone a little better. I’d like to explore how soon is too soon in a later post.
Both parties had stated, prior to the date, that they weren’t looking for anything serious. But Gin, not accustomed to the situation she’d gotten herself into, found herself trying to make the courting phase catch up to the sex. One night eventually turned into a pattern of routine BCs, almost totally eliminating any activity outside of a bedroom. On one hand, she liked what they’d started: an agreement that they’d call on only each other in the time of “need,” leaving them both free to date other people. Yet on the other hand, she hated the fact that she was giving something so precious to someone who didn’t see her worth anything more. Long story short, the feelings of wanting him to want her for more than just a BC overpowered what started out as a great commitment-free, "friend with benefits" relationship.
I haven’t met one woman who in their heart of hearts didn’t want, ultimately, a committed, monogamous relationship. As much as you try to deny it, ladies, love is NOT for losers all the time and at some point you’ve secretly wished for that of which you didn’t have, one man all to yourself. I know I get that feeling at least every fourteenth of February! So if you’re a part of the large portion of women who are channeled by emotion, you could be in for a rude awakening by falling for your BC…not to mention a blow to your ego.
In Gin’s experience, you may really have to just chalk him up and start from scratch in terms of trying to make things more serious between you two. Get to know someone new without giving him the goods and when you find yourself in the giving mood, then call on your BC. That’s what he’s there for. There are strict guidelines to NSA. There has to be something about this guy that you absolutely cannot tolerate or compromise. Reminding yourself of these things will keep him out of the running as a potential mate and you’ll restrict your emotions from going much further. You also won't be offended, wondering what makes the women he's dating special enough to court.
In life, there are always options. I’ll offer two. Option 1: Recruit, recruit, recruit. That’s always my motto. If you’re steady scouting other players like he is, you can bench him and sub someone else in when you feel those emotions starting to surface. If you were rotating players, you wouldn’t have fallen for him in the first place.
Option 2: You can choose to continue the BC relationship, but keep in mind that rarely (and I mean your chances are slim to none) does it develop into anything more. A male friend put it best: Dating is like recruiting an all-star lineup for a basketball team (yes, any relationship can be compared to sports. I prefer the game of basketball so I suggest you learn and understand the game). When recruiting (dating) for your team, you are looking for people who possess specific skills (characteristics). Guys are busy recruiting too. If you know you’ve been recruited for your skills in bed, he’ll be expecting you to continue to showcase those skills. Not to say that you don’t have other talents, but you haven’t been recruited for them. If you stop performing, he’ll be quick to bench you, or worse, trade you. Your best bet is to practice ways to perfect and highlight those skills on days other than game night. Once that’s perfected, and I stress the word perfected when it come to substituting the skill of sex, sporadically display them until he realizes what else you have to offer. But even then, he may not be interested so be prepared. Good luck taking your chances!
Let me know how you feel on this subject. If you know of a relationship, that started as NSA and turned into something more, I’m most interested in hearing your comments.
Live.Love.Learn…(and then repeat)!
-TS&S
*Name has been changed to keep identity anonymous
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
The Other Woman: You, Him & Her
Receiving late night phone calls? Having to reschedule your quality time? Working extra hours? These are just some signs that your man could be cheating on you. They are not “for sure” signs, but if you start noticing a consistent pattern, you can pretty much start to put the pieces together. But this topic is not to discuss you, the victim. Let’s flip the script and talk about you, the other woman. You are fully aware of your title and role as the other woman and there’s really nothing you can do to ever change it. This is because the female who holds the number one spot on his list of priorities is not someone that you can confront eye-to-eye. Why not? Because she barely reaches your knee caps! For those of you who were slow catching on, I’m talking about your man’s daughter, the primary object of his affection.
Federal statistics show that 69% of all black children are born to single mothers (and a single mother means somewhere there’s a single father too). This is more than twice the national average. Almost 48% of all black children live without there fathers. I could mention, here, dating outside of your race, but that’s a whole different topic. So, let it marinate and let’s move on.
Most women, 20-something and beyond, have dated one or more men with children. Hell, if you haven’t, you know someone who has. After reading the statistics, that leaves you with two options: date him or don’t. If you don’t, good luck not bumping into one in the future. If you do, there are some things to which you must become accustomed.
My Team and I discussed enforcing the rule that if you’re going to date a man with a child, or children, the child has to be five years or older. This brings me to my first point: the mother of his child. I hate to use the term baby mama, but for the sake of typing it out, we’ll call her ‘BM.’ Our consensus is that if the child is younger than five, there’s a good chance that your man could still be visiting his BM for non child-related matters, if you get my drift. You know how us women can be, she may be bitter that she isn’t involved with him and so she’ll try to hold on to him any way she knows how, and we all know the power of the… And let’s not blame it on a sour relationship. They could remain cordial for the child, but your man can’t differentiate just friends from friends. Whatever the case, if you choose not to abide by the Team Rule (as is the case with one of my friends), or if the child is over five, the BM is in a serious relationship with someone else, etc., allow me to move on to the second point: not being the number one priority.
For me, this would be a real stinger. When a single man and woman are dating with no children between them, there are a lot of things that you don’t take into consideration. Any woman who’s dating a man with a child, who does not have a child of her own, is going to have a hard time playing second string, especially if she hasn’t had to before. You may not want to acknowledge it at first, but you want to be spoiled and given all the attention in a relationship. I think that’s a pretty natural expectation when courting. You may be able to coax him out of hanging with the guys or distract him from watching the game every once-in-a-while, but being a dad is a full-time obligation (or at least it should be), regardless of when he has custody (assuming he doesn’t have full custody).
The point is you’ll never be dating just him. You will always be the other woman. Later on in life, a ready-made family may be something your into. Maybe you love children, but love your figure a little more. In those cases, and some others, the threesome can definitely work. But being 20-something and single, I can’t see that being an option in the near future. Let’s be real, as in my girlfriend’s circumstance, if the guy is someone you’re really feeling and/or because he’s a great and responsible father, the good can outweigh the not-so-good on your list of standards and you’ll learn to adjust. Let's also jump to the other side of the fence and think of it as if you were a single mother. Wouldn’t you expect to find happiness in a man and possibly love even if you came with extra baggage…I mean, a bundle of joy (if the child is bad, I have no suggestions)? Let me move on to my third and final point before offering any advice.
My third point is financial stability/spontaneity. If you’re a 20-something single woman who is financially stable, which at our age means a woman who budgets her money and still has additional funds for entertainment, dining out and other miscellaneous expenses, you’ll be taken aback to know that your man is really pinching his pennies to provide for his child. Would you feel better if you knew he was cutting back to save for a down payment on a house instead of for child support? Let’s be straight up, I would! At 20-something, most of us aren’t making a high income amount (if you are then more power to you), so money may already be tight when dating a man without a child. But a cheap date is only cute for so long. At some point, a woman is going to want to be treated to a really nice, non-combo meal serving restaurant. What about a spontaneous weekend trip? Can he secure a babysitter in time? If he only sees his child on the weekends and you both work unpredictable hours during the week, you’re both screwed because now you’re asking him to choose. You could always make it a family-friendly trip, but do you really want to sacrifice Stella getting her groove back for the Emperor’s New Groove?
My advice to ladies with no children, who live comfortably on their own and think the relationship may get serious down the line:
- Attempt to befriend the BM, or don’t have contact with her at all. Ok, reality check. If you have to come in contact with her, remember two things: he's your man now, but that's their child forever. If you plan to be around for the long haul, your life can be much easier concerning the BM if she's comfortable with you being the other woman in her impressionable child's life. Stay focused on the needs of the child and not any personal and petty grudges with the BM. Your man will appreciate you more for it.
- Embrace the child, but don’t get too attached until you have a ring. There’s no use in playing step mom if there’s no future for you and him. So waiting around for a ring as an excuse to embrace the child is not necessarily smart if you're really clicking with him. Once he feels comfortable enough to introduce you two, you've got somebody new to "impress." Remember, if you don't hit it off with the child, you can't expect to get much further with him. I just suggest holding off on family outings until you're sure about him. Don't let him drop his child off on you in the very beginning. That shows a bad judgement call on his part.
- Keep a personal stash of money and a best friend on speed dial in case plans with your man ever fall through! Not really much else you can do in this situation. Either cancel your plans and sulk (or be the mature adult and help your man) or call on your homegirl. If things aren't too serious between you two, take another male friend. Another Team Rule: never abandon your other options until you become exclusive with someone.
- Lastly, and most importantly, ALWAYS use a form of contraception. If he was willing to take a risk the first time, we can only hope that he’ll be as careful the next. Being labeled as BM #2 is NOT cute. If he could stick and move with BM #1, there’s a possibility he may not stick with you. Remember, these are just my thoughts and those of my Team, if you find a man who rocks your world and has you rocking his baby’s cradle at the same time, then do you!
Live.Love.Learn…(and then repeat)!
-TS&S
Federal statistics show that 69% of all black children are born to single mothers (and a single mother means somewhere there’s a single father too). This is more than twice the national average. Almost 48% of all black children live without there fathers. I could mention, here, dating outside of your race, but that’s a whole different topic. So, let it marinate and let’s move on.
Most women, 20-something and beyond, have dated one or more men with children. Hell, if you haven’t, you know someone who has. After reading the statistics, that leaves you with two options: date him or don’t. If you don’t, good luck not bumping into one in the future. If you do, there are some things to which you must become accustomed.
My Team and I discussed enforcing the rule that if you’re going to date a man with a child, or children, the child has to be five years or older. This brings me to my first point: the mother of his child. I hate to use the term baby mama, but for the sake of typing it out, we’ll call her ‘BM.’ Our consensus is that if the child is younger than five, there’s a good chance that your man could still be visiting his BM for non child-related matters, if you get my drift. You know how us women can be, she may be bitter that she isn’t involved with him and so she’ll try to hold on to him any way she knows how, and we all know the power of the… And let’s not blame it on a sour relationship. They could remain cordial for the child, but your man can’t differentiate just friends from friends. Whatever the case, if you choose not to abide by the Team Rule (as is the case with one of my friends), or if the child is over five, the BM is in a serious relationship with someone else, etc., allow me to move on to the second point: not being the number one priority.
For me, this would be a real stinger. When a single man and woman are dating with no children between them, there are a lot of things that you don’t take into consideration. Any woman who’s dating a man with a child, who does not have a child of her own, is going to have a hard time playing second string, especially if she hasn’t had to before. You may not want to acknowledge it at first, but you want to be spoiled and given all the attention in a relationship. I think that’s a pretty natural expectation when courting. You may be able to coax him out of hanging with the guys or distract him from watching the game every once-in-a-while, but being a dad is a full-time obligation (or at least it should be), regardless of when he has custody (assuming he doesn’t have full custody).
The point is you’ll never be dating just him. You will always be the other woman. Later on in life, a ready-made family may be something your into. Maybe you love children, but love your figure a little more. In those cases, and some others, the threesome can definitely work. But being 20-something and single, I can’t see that being an option in the near future. Let’s be real, as in my girlfriend’s circumstance, if the guy is someone you’re really feeling and/or because he’s a great and responsible father, the good can outweigh the not-so-good on your list of standards and you’ll learn to adjust. Let's also jump to the other side of the fence and think of it as if you were a single mother. Wouldn’t you expect to find happiness in a man and possibly love even if you came with extra baggage…I mean, a bundle of joy (if the child is bad, I have no suggestions)? Let me move on to my third and final point before offering any advice.
My third point is financial stability/spontaneity. If you’re a 20-something single woman who is financially stable, which at our age means a woman who budgets her money and still has additional funds for entertainment, dining out and other miscellaneous expenses, you’ll be taken aback to know that your man is really pinching his pennies to provide for his child. Would you feel better if you knew he was cutting back to save for a down payment on a house instead of for child support? Let’s be straight up, I would! At 20-something, most of us aren’t making a high income amount (if you are then more power to you), so money may already be tight when dating a man without a child. But a cheap date is only cute for so long. At some point, a woman is going to want to be treated to a really nice, non-combo meal serving restaurant. What about a spontaneous weekend trip? Can he secure a babysitter in time? If he only sees his child on the weekends and you both work unpredictable hours during the week, you’re both screwed because now you’re asking him to choose. You could always make it a family-friendly trip, but do you really want to sacrifice Stella getting her groove back for the Emperor’s New Groove?
My advice to ladies with no children, who live comfortably on their own and think the relationship may get serious down the line:
- Attempt to befriend the BM, or don’t have contact with her at all. Ok, reality check. If you have to come in contact with her, remember two things: he's your man now, but that's their child forever. If you plan to be around for the long haul, your life can be much easier concerning the BM if she's comfortable with you being the other woman in her impressionable child's life. Stay focused on the needs of the child and not any personal and petty grudges with the BM. Your man will appreciate you more for it.
- Embrace the child, but don’t get too attached until you have a ring. There’s no use in playing step mom if there’s no future for you and him. So waiting around for a ring as an excuse to embrace the child is not necessarily smart if you're really clicking with him. Once he feels comfortable enough to introduce you two, you've got somebody new to "impress." Remember, if you don't hit it off with the child, you can't expect to get much further with him. I just suggest holding off on family outings until you're sure about him. Don't let him drop his child off on you in the very beginning. That shows a bad judgement call on his part.
- Keep a personal stash of money and a best friend on speed dial in case plans with your man ever fall through! Not really much else you can do in this situation. Either cancel your plans and sulk (or be the mature adult and help your man) or call on your homegirl. If things aren't too serious between you two, take another male friend. Another Team Rule: never abandon your other options until you become exclusive with someone.
- Lastly, and most importantly, ALWAYS use a form of contraception. If he was willing to take a risk the first time, we can only hope that he’ll be as careful the next. Being labeled as BM #2 is NOT cute. If he could stick and move with BM #1, there’s a possibility he may not stick with you. Remember, these are just my thoughts and those of my Team, if you find a man who rocks your world and has you rocking his baby’s cradle at the same time, then do you!
Live.Love.Learn…(and then repeat)!
-TS&S
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
IF A MAN WANTS YOU
One of my readers sent me this and I couldn't wait until next week's entry to post it. I don't know who wrote it, but I was told it was written by a man, so ladies, take a hint! (I've added my two cents along the way)
-If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. (Ain't that the truth!)
-Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
-Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. (To thine own self be true...that's a future topic!)
-Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.
-Slower is better. (He will respect you more...personal experience)
-Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
-If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. (Are you sure?...Damn, I'm always trying to save someone!)
-Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. (Preach! LOL!)
-Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself
a year later for staying when things are not better. (In my case it was, "he'll choose me"...four months later, he didn't and I'm salty)
-The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
-Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
-He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
-Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
-Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
-If something bothers you, speak up. (I did it...it worked)
-Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. (Don't leave a text/email/paper trail either)
-You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.
-Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god.
-He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
-Never let a man define who you are.
-Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
-A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. (Make it plain!)
-All men are NOT dogs.(But they sometimes look like them, lol...okay sorry, but damn, why am I not attracted to most of the good ones?!)
-You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.
-You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
-You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary. (That's what my Mama said!)
-Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. (I know that's right!)
-Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and your always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.
-Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
-Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Share this with other ladies..... You'll make someone SMILE, another
RETHINK her choices, and another woman PREPARE.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person (True), an hour to appreciate them (Hmmm...), a day to love them (Absolutely false) and an entire lifetime to forget them.
-If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. (Ain't that the truth!)
-Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
-Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. (To thine own self be true...that's a future topic!)
-Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.
-Slower is better. (He will respect you more...personal experience)
-Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
-If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. (Are you sure?...Damn, I'm always trying to save someone!)
-Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. (Preach! LOL!)
-Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself
a year later for staying when things are not better. (In my case it was, "he'll choose me"...four months later, he didn't and I'm salty)
-The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
-Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
-He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
-Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
-Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
-If something bothers you, speak up. (I did it...it worked)
-Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. (Don't leave a text/email/paper trail either)
-You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.
-Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god.
-He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
-Never let a man define who you are.
-Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
-A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. (Make it plain!)
-All men are NOT dogs.(But they sometimes look like them, lol...okay sorry, but damn, why am I not attracted to most of the good ones?!)
-You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.
-You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
-You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary. (That's what my Mama said!)
-Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. (I know that's right!)
-Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and your always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.
-Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
-Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Share this with other ladies..... You'll make someone SMILE, another
RETHINK her choices, and another woman PREPARE.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person (True), an hour to appreciate them (Hmmm...), a day to love them (Absolutely false) and an entire lifetime to forget them.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Perpetuating the Cycle
The purpose of this column is to voice the experiences/dilemmas/opinions of the 20-something "single" (meaning unmarried) female as she relates to dating and relationships. Let's be real, in this day and age, 30 and 40-something single females aren't the only ones facing the pressures associated with relationships, or more specifically, the lack thereof.
In the 20-something scheme of things, I’m in the “early twenties” range so yes, I’m still a “baby.” But I bet this “baby” has experienced the same things that older women have. Why? Because the cycle perpetuates itself. Between myself and a host of girlfriends, which I will refer to as my “team,” co-workers, family members and even random people I’ve met along the way, we’ve seen it all…been there, done that…I hope. It’s true; the same experiences my grandmother, aunts and older cousins faced at my age have been passed down. They even warn us about things before they happen. Of course, if we listened, we wouldn’t be in half the mess we’ve been involved in. We’re stubborn. We like to hope that this guy will be different or that we’ll be prepared. Newsflash: He isn’t and we’re not! Let’s face it. Guys aren’t clever enough to switch up the game or invent new rules. Remember ladies: Same game, different players. Same shit, different toilet. Our options: Learn to play the game and flush intermittently as to not totally funk up the situation!
My mother, who is 28 years my senior, never imagined she’d get married and she was perfectly content with the fact that she would be a successful, yet single woman. Unfortunately, in today’s society, her ideals represent the minority. The term single carries several negative connotations so I’ll just cite a few definitions: unmarried, lacking a partner, of or relating to celibacy, unaccompanied or unsupported by others, existing alone.
Well no wonder women nowadays aren’t comfortable with the possibility that they could be single…forever. Don’t worry, I fall victim too.
Let’s first examine the history of the woman. Quick Sunday school lesson: the Bible teaches us that in the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. He then, a couple days later, made man, to work in the land that he created. But God saw that he needed a suitable helper. So from his rib, he created woman. Well ladies, there’s our answer right there. Just as plain and simple as it can be, we were made from a man. Genetically, our existence was based, firstly on that of a man. Not only were we created from a man, we were placed here for a man. Without getting into too much detail read Genesis 2: 15, 18, 22, 24. Somehow, “suitable helper” has evolved over time to mean mother, lover, financer, etc. and we’ve allowed it to happen. Let it marinate, now let’s move on.
Back to my mother: She’s a fly little thang, but don’t tell her I said so. She’s never let anyone or anything get in the way of the plans she’d made for her life. From what I gather, she was going to handle her business and if a man fit into the equation, then so be it. She was definitely a catch and men were chasing. But by her mid-twenties, with most of her friends marrying around her, she was secure enough and had enough faith, that if marriage was meant for her, the right man would come along that would be able to accept her and present himself as a valuable compliment to her life. If only I could be so secure at times. Mom says, when you meet the one, you’ll know he’s the one. Easier said than done…or is it? Mom, at age 26, was set up on a blind date, four months later was engaged, one year after that, at age 28, was married and almost 24 years later is still married (shouts out to my Dad)! So, there must’ve been a method to her madness.
Question: How many times do women meet someone and right away know that he’s not the one, but try to stick it out in hopes that he’ll turn out to be the one? Answer: Too many times!
When we find ourselves in those situations, instead of stepping on a ‘limb’ of faith, we should just, “trim the limb, kill the tree.” The only way to stop a cycle from recurring is to tackle the issue when and where it starts. Twenty-something singles will turn into 40-something singles before you know it. If we figure out how to stop the cycle now, we’ll be better equipped for a love life in the future. My goal is to be like Mom was and still is: focused on the present and having faith that the future will fall right into place.
Live.Love.Learn...(and then repeat)!
-TS&S
In the 20-something scheme of things, I’m in the “early twenties” range so yes, I’m still a “baby.” But I bet this “baby” has experienced the same things that older women have. Why? Because the cycle perpetuates itself. Between myself and a host of girlfriends, which I will refer to as my “team,” co-workers, family members and even random people I’ve met along the way, we’ve seen it all…been there, done that…I hope. It’s true; the same experiences my grandmother, aunts and older cousins faced at my age have been passed down. They even warn us about things before they happen. Of course, if we listened, we wouldn’t be in half the mess we’ve been involved in. We’re stubborn. We like to hope that this guy will be different or that we’ll be prepared. Newsflash: He isn’t and we’re not! Let’s face it. Guys aren’t clever enough to switch up the game or invent new rules. Remember ladies: Same game, different players. Same shit, different toilet. Our options: Learn to play the game and flush intermittently as to not totally funk up the situation!
My mother, who is 28 years my senior, never imagined she’d get married and she was perfectly content with the fact that she would be a successful, yet single woman. Unfortunately, in today’s society, her ideals represent the minority. The term single carries several negative connotations so I’ll just cite a few definitions: unmarried, lacking a partner, of or relating to celibacy, unaccompanied or unsupported by others, existing alone.
Well no wonder women nowadays aren’t comfortable with the possibility that they could be single…forever. Don’t worry, I fall victim too.
Let’s first examine the history of the woman. Quick Sunday school lesson: the Bible teaches us that in the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. He then, a couple days later, made man, to work in the land that he created. But God saw that he needed a suitable helper. So from his rib, he created woman. Well ladies, there’s our answer right there. Just as plain and simple as it can be, we were made from a man. Genetically, our existence was based, firstly on that of a man. Not only were we created from a man, we were placed here for a man. Without getting into too much detail read Genesis 2: 15, 18, 22, 24. Somehow, “suitable helper” has evolved over time to mean mother, lover, financer, etc. and we’ve allowed it to happen. Let it marinate, now let’s move on.
Back to my mother: She’s a fly little thang, but don’t tell her I said so. She’s never let anyone or anything get in the way of the plans she’d made for her life. From what I gather, she was going to handle her business and if a man fit into the equation, then so be it. She was definitely a catch and men were chasing. But by her mid-twenties, with most of her friends marrying around her, she was secure enough and had enough faith, that if marriage was meant for her, the right man would come along that would be able to accept her and present himself as a valuable compliment to her life. If only I could be so secure at times. Mom says, when you meet the one, you’ll know he’s the one. Easier said than done…or is it? Mom, at age 26, was set up on a blind date, four months later was engaged, one year after that, at age 28, was married and almost 24 years later is still married (shouts out to my Dad)! So, there must’ve been a method to her madness.
Question: How many times do women meet someone and right away know that he’s not the one, but try to stick it out in hopes that he’ll turn out to be the one? Answer: Too many times!
When we find ourselves in those situations, instead of stepping on a ‘limb’ of faith, we should just, “trim the limb, kill the tree.” The only way to stop a cycle from recurring is to tackle the issue when and where it starts. Twenty-something singles will turn into 40-something singles before you know it. If we figure out how to stop the cycle now, we’ll be better equipped for a love life in the future. My goal is to be like Mom was and still is: focused on the present and having faith that the future will fall right into place.
Live.Love.Learn...(and then repeat)!
-TS&S
Saturday, June 2, 2007
An Introduction
At 20-something, is it unrealistic to dream of love? Is the prospect of a fulfilling and faithful long-term relationship unheard of? You mean to tell me that I can't be happy and in love now? Not fair!
Call me a hopeless romantic, but I still believe "he's" out there, whoever "he" is. And we will find each other, despite the odds against us. At 20-something, I still believe in straight-up love. It may be on the rocks at time, shaken and even stirred. It may be an acquired taste for some. It may get you hooked on the first round or take a while to build a tolerance for. It could up and leave you acting a complete fool, forgetting who you are. It could leave you open and vulnerable, saying and doing things you couldn't even imagine. It could burn going down, yet have the possibility of being so smooth. The thing is, you won't know until you try. Even with the warning on the label, it still won't stop you from drinking, I mean, dating. And there's no shame in that!
Dating, like drinking, before the appropriate age or phase in life doesn't allow you to appreciate it for what it is. It's like a rites of passage. Dating at 16 isn't the same as dating at 18, which isn't dating at 20-something. Well, at least it shouldn't be. If you sip on a wine cooler as a teen, you think you're really doing something. You might even think you're getting a buzz. But once you start drinking legally and get that first real hang over, you realize how foolish you were before. If you can relate to any of this or knows someone who can, subscribe to this blog, add your comments and let's start a dialogue.
Song for thought...Bobby Valentino: "Anonymous"
http://us.video.aol.com/player/launcher?pmmsid=1860826
Live.Love.Learn...(and then repeat)!
-TS&S
Call me a hopeless romantic, but I still believe "he's" out there, whoever "he" is. And we will find each other, despite the odds against us. At 20-something, I still believe in straight-up love. It may be on the rocks at time, shaken and even stirred. It may be an acquired taste for some. It may get you hooked on the first round or take a while to build a tolerance for. It could up and leave you acting a complete fool, forgetting who you are. It could leave you open and vulnerable, saying and doing things you couldn't even imagine. It could burn going down, yet have the possibility of being so smooth. The thing is, you won't know until you try. Even with the warning on the label, it still won't stop you from drinking, I mean, dating. And there's no shame in that!
Dating, like drinking, before the appropriate age or phase in life doesn't allow you to appreciate it for what it is. It's like a rites of passage. Dating at 16 isn't the same as dating at 18, which isn't dating at 20-something. Well, at least it shouldn't be. If you sip on a wine cooler as a teen, you think you're really doing something. You might even think you're getting a buzz. But once you start drinking legally and get that first real hang over, you realize how foolish you were before. If you can relate to any of this or knows someone who can, subscribe to this blog, add your comments and let's start a dialogue.
Song for thought...Bobby Valentino: "Anonymous"
http://us.video.aol.com/player/launcher?pmmsid=1860826
Live.Love.Learn...(and then repeat)!
-TS&S
Friday, June 1, 2007
Welcome!
Hello Everyone!
Welcome to my blog! I'm a newbie to this form of technology, but I'm not new to living, loving and learning. I've created this blog to discuss with you the experiences that my friends and I have encountered and are still being faced with while being "Twenty-something and single." This blog is for men and women of all ages. I welcome you to be as open and candid with your comments/questions/concerns/advice/etc. as I am. Can't wait to get started!
Live.Love.Learn...(and then repeat)!
-TS&S
Welcome to my blog! I'm a newbie to this form of technology, but I'm not new to living, loving and learning. I've created this blog to discuss with you the experiences that my friends and I have encountered and are still being faced with while being "Twenty-something and single." This blog is for men and women of all ages. I welcome you to be as open and candid with your comments/questions/concerns/advice/etc. as I am. Can't wait to get started!
Live.Love.Learn...(and then repeat)!
-TS&S
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