Perpetuating the Cycle

The purpose of this column is to voice the experiences/dilemmas/opinions of the 20-something "single" (meaning unmarried) female as she relates to dating and relationships. Let's be real, in this day and age, 30 and 40-something single females aren't the only ones facing the pressures associated with relationships, or more specifically, the lack thereof.

In the 20-something scheme of things, I’m in the “early twenties” range so yes, I’m still a “baby.” But I bet this “baby” has experienced the same things that older women have. Why? Because the cycle perpetuates itself. Between myself and a host of girlfriends, which I will refer to as my “team,” co-workers, family members and even random people I’ve met along the way, we’ve seen it all…been there, done that…I hope. It’s true; the same experiences my grandmother, aunts and older cousins faced at my age have been passed down. They even warn us about things before they happen. Of course, if we listened, we wouldn’t be in half the mess we’ve been involved in. We’re stubborn. We like to hope that this guy will be different or that we’ll be prepared. Newsflash: He isn’t and we’re not! Let’s face it. Guys aren’t clever enough to switch up the game or invent new rules. Remember ladies: Same game, different players. Same shit, different toilet. Our options: Learn to play the game and flush intermittently as to not totally funk up the situation!

My mother, who is 28 years my senior, never imagined she’d get married and she was perfectly content with the fact that she would be a successful, yet single woman. Unfortunately, in today’s society, her ideals represent the minority. The term single carries several negative connotations so I’ll just cite a few definitions: unmarried, lacking a partner, of or relating to celibacy, unaccompanied or unsupported by others, existing alone.

Well no wonder women nowadays aren’t comfortable with the possibility that they could be single…forever. Don’t worry, I fall victim too.

Let’s first examine the history of the woman. Quick Sunday school lesson: the Bible teaches us that in the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. He then, a couple days later, made man, to work in the land that he created. But God saw that he needed a suitable helper. So from his rib, he created woman. Well ladies, there’s our answer right there. Just as plain and simple as it can be, we were made from a man. Genetically, our existence was based, firstly on that of a man. Not only were we created from a man, we were placed here for a man. Without getting into too much detail read Genesis 2: 15, 18, 22, 24. Somehow, “suitable helper” has evolved over time to mean mother, lover, financer, etc. and we’ve allowed it to happen. Let it marinate, now let’s move on.

Back to my mother: She’s a fly little thang, but don’t tell her I said so. She’s never let anyone or anything get in the way of the plans she’d made for her life. From what I gather, she was going to handle her business and if a man fit into the equation, then so be it. She was definitely a catch and men were chasing. But by her mid-twenties, with most of her friends marrying around her, she was secure enough and had enough faith, that if marriage was meant for her, the right man would come along that would be able to accept her and present himself as a valuable compliment to her life. If only I could be so secure at times. Mom says, when you meet the one, you’ll know he’s the one. Easier said than done…or is it? Mom, at age 26, was set up on a blind date, four months later was engaged, one year after that, at age 28, was married and almost 24 years later is still married (shouts out to my Dad)! So, there must’ve been a method to her madness.

Question: How many times do women meet someone and right away know that he’s not the one, but try to stick it out in hopes that he’ll turn out to be the one? Answer: Too many times!

When we find ourselves in those situations, instead of stepping on a ‘limb’ of faith, we should just, “trim the limb, kill the tree.” The only way to stop a cycle from recurring is to tackle the issue when and where it starts. Twenty-something singles will turn into 40-something singles before you know it. If we figure out how to stop the cycle now, we’ll be better equipped for a love life in the future. My goal is to be like Mom was and still is: focused on the present and having faith that the future will fall right into place.

Live.Love.Learn...(and then repeat)!

-TS&S