Thursday, July 26, 2007

Good Guys Finish Last...but they do finish!

We've all heard the phrase, "Good guys finish last," and we all know this to be true. The "good guy," who will treat you like the queen you are, is hardly ever the "type" that we end up falling for. When it comes to dating, fools rush in. In this race to a relationship, rushing to the finish line forces me to ask the question: does it really matter who finishes first?

I thought the prospect of a good guy was unconceivable, but alas, I've found where they've been hiding. You would be so upset to know that they're actually not hiding. They've been right under our noses the ENTIRE time! Remember the guys that you didn't give the time of day to because they didn't measure up to your list of unrealistic criteria? Admit it, half of your expectations are superficial.

Do away with the lists. But if you decide to keep one, list only the things that have substance, “must-haves” that cannot be negotiated. We didn't become fabulous over night and we can't expect men to be our "Mr. Everything" right away either. A friend's mother put it best when speaking of her husband and soul mate, "Honey, he didn't come out of the box that way." What this means is, he may have all of the parts, yet no one has taken the time to assemble them. I am, in no way, referring to changing or rearranging a man. However, I do want to stress re-evaluating some men you may have carelessly let pass by.

If you're anything like me, you've been attracted to the "good looking guy;" the smooth talker who knows just what to say to get just what he wants; the same guy that considers himself the catch, and not you. Aside from physical perks, he lacks just about everything else, but you make excuses because he's easy on the eye. Security in a man is a huge factor in relationships; not only financial security, but physical as well. So maybe you tend to go for the guy who's a little rough around the edges and makes you feel protected. All of this is unimportant in the grand scheme. The point is that no matter how fine he is or how secure you may think you feel; you end up unhappy and unfulfilled with no one to blame but yourself. Here you are running around screaming about how all men are dogs, all along knowing he was “Mr. Right” for all the wrong reasons. So today, I'm proposing that we all date outside of our box.

If you've never considered a short man being your ideal man, give it a try. Supermodels have been doing it for years! You'd be amazed at who you might've overlooked...literally! Is his wardrobe all wrong? Then take him on a trip to the mall or subtly point him in the direction of appealing menswear. If you’ve been sporting a few extra pounds, you can not expect him to sport a six-pack! You have to learn to compromise. Don’t let go of the guy who knows just what to say and actually means it. There’s no greater feeling than when he makes you blush without even trying. If you plan to experience true love and happiness (and yes, the two exist), you’ve got to be real with your expectations in a partner.

I'm forecasting what will be the latest trend. Just like platform shoes, the "good guy" is back in style! Stop kissing frogs in hopes that your Prince Charming will be revealed. Snag him before somebody else does!

Stay tuned for more on this topic...

Live.Love.Learn…(and then repeat)!

-TS&S

Sunday, July 8, 2007

Tangled Up In 'No Strings Attached'

You’ve come to a point in your life where you’ve finally gotten a hold on your life. Maybe you’ve just freed yourself from a tumultuous relationship. Maybe you’ve finally found a balance between school/work, finances, and your spiritual and social life. You enjoy hanging out with the girls from time-to-time, but eventually you start to crave the attention of a man. You’re not totally ready to invest your time and emotions into another relationship nor are you ready to stop basking in your own glow, and rightfully so! It’s natural for us, as women, to want to be held, kissed, cuddled and even pleased, sexually. Although we can be independent women, not wanting the commitment that a new relationship entails, every once-in-a-while we’d like the affection and attention of one. The term associated with this is called “no strings attached” (NSA). NSA is an idiom used in the English language meaning without conditions or obligations; without a catch. However, actor/comedian Bill Bellamy has fondly coined it as a “booty call."

I don’t want to discuss a booty call (BC) or NSA relationship, which is in fact a relationship, believe it or not. Instead, I want to discuss when one party starts to get attached to the situation that is solely based on avoiding a connection.

By nature, women are emotional creatures. No matter how you slice it, the vast majority of us feed off of our and other people’s emotions. So what happens when you’ve subconsciously devoted your emotions to a man who has no emotional ties to you? As my Team would say, you and this man are “strictly dickly” (ok, I know we use this term to define our sexual preference, but it works in this sense too). I know it’s against the rules for you to fall for this guy, but it happens to both men and women so how do we deal with it? Can a BC ever really turn into anything more?

In most situations, the chances are slim to none. To some, a BC is a great alternative to a committed relationship, or in some cases, a great addition. Allow me to share a story with you about my teammate, Gin*. Gin, new to single life, vowed to stick to the dating scene for a while. She had no intentions of things getting serious or exclusive. This lasted for about six months before her sexual energy had reached an all time high. After a few weeks of conversation with a new guy, she found herself, at the end of a great first date, “getting to know” this certain someone a little better. I’d like to explore how soon is too soon in a later post.

Both parties had stated, prior to the date, that they weren’t looking for anything serious. But Gin, not accustomed to the situation she’d gotten herself into, found herself trying to make the courting phase catch up to the sex. One night eventually turned into a pattern of routine BCs, almost totally eliminating any activity outside of a bedroom. On one hand, she liked what they’d started: an agreement that they’d call on only each other in the time of “need,” leaving them both free to date other people. Yet on the other hand, she hated the fact that she was giving something so precious to someone who didn’t see her worth anything more. Long story short, the feelings of wanting him to want her for more than just a BC overpowered what started out as a great commitment-free, "friend with benefits" relationship.

I haven’t met one woman who in their heart of hearts didn’t want, ultimately, a committed, monogamous relationship. As much as you try to deny it, ladies, love is NOT for losers all the time and at some point you’ve secretly wished for that of which you didn’t have, one man all to yourself. I know I get that feeling at least every fourteenth of February! So if you’re a part of the large portion of women who are channeled by emotion, you could be in for a rude awakening by falling for your BC…not to mention a blow to your ego.

In Gin’s experience, you may really have to just chalk him up and start from scratch in terms of trying to make things more serious between you two. Get to know someone new without giving him the goods and when you find yourself in the giving mood, then call on your BC. That’s what he’s there for. There are strict guidelines to NSA. There has to be something about this guy that you absolutely cannot tolerate or compromise. Reminding yourself of these things will keep him out of the running as a potential mate and you’ll restrict your emotions from going much further. You also won't be offended, wondering what makes the women he's dating special enough to court.

In life, there are always options. I’ll offer two. Option 1: Recruit, recruit, recruit. That’s always my motto. If you’re steady scouting other players like he is, you can bench him and sub someone else in when you feel those emotions starting to surface. If you were rotating players, you wouldn’t have fallen for him in the first place.

Option 2: You can choose to continue the BC relationship, but keep in mind that rarely (and I mean your chances are slim to none) does it develop into anything more. A male friend put it best: Dating is like recruiting an all-star lineup for a basketball team (yes, any relationship can be compared to sports. I prefer the game of basketball so I suggest you learn and understand the game). When recruiting (dating) for your team, you are looking for people who possess specific skills (characteristics). Guys are busy recruiting too. If you know you’ve been recruited for your skills in bed, he’ll be expecting you to continue to showcase those skills. Not to say that you don’t have other talents, but you haven’t been recruited for them. If you stop performing, he’ll be quick to bench you, or worse, trade you. Your best bet is to practice ways to perfect and highlight those skills on days other than game night. Once that’s perfected, and I stress the word perfected when it come to substituting the skill of sex, sporadically display them until he realizes what else you have to offer. But even then, he may not be interested so be prepared. Good luck taking your chances!

Let me know how you feel on this subject. If you know of a relationship, that started as NSA and turned into something more, I’m most interested in hearing your comments.

Live.Love.Learn…(and then repeat)!

-TS&S

*Name has been changed to keep identity anonymous