Saturday, October 20, 2007

Men: Like Fine Wine?

A couple of weeks ago, the prospect of dating a much older man was introduced to me and since then, I’ve been thinking about the possibilities. Over the course of my twenty-plus years of life, I've heard people say that females mature faster than males. I've even heard the numerical value of this maturity gap is around two years. This means that if I'm dating a 25-year-old man, he's really at the maturity level of a 23-year-old. Now I’m unsure if this "hypothesis" is a scientific fact, but I've found it to be true in, not all but, most cases. To remedy this, smart women have started to date older men, at least two years older, but even smarter women have moved further up in number. “Age Ain't Nothin' But A Number," wasn't just the title of Aaliyah's 1994 single, it's a frame of mind when we date nowadays. In an attempt to better understand the aging phases of men, I’ve compared it to the aging of a fine wine.

Some wine aficionados have led us to believe that the older the wine, the better. Aging wine anywhere from five to 50 years can change its character and the result is a smoother, subtler, more complex taste. However, a true connoisseur knows that only a few wines actually improve with age. According to www.foodandwine.net, “It depends on how the wine is marketed; whether it's for immediate consumption or for laying down. Yet, no matter which approach is taken, the wine will age in the same way. It will be undrinkable at first, then it will approach its peak, then it will plateau, then it will deteriorate to the point of being undrinkable.” So in retrospect, depending on how a man presents himself could determine if he’s already matured or if he should be put on the shelf for a couple of years.

When a younger woman dates an older man they could be looking for a variety of things including, but not limited to, maturity, financial stability (Sugar Daddy), wisdom, chivalry and the father they never had. An older man can offer these things because, it’s more likely that he has been through enough experiences, allowing him to have reached a point in his life where he is no longer struggling to discover who he is. He’s crossed off some of his life’s goals and he knows what he wants and how to get it…we hope. He’s also in a better position to be a provider and advisor. But let’s remember what was said about wine: after it’s peak (when they’ve reached an equal or higher level of maturity), there is a plateau (or area of stability) and then it will deteriorate (think J. Howard Marshall, Anna Nicole’s late husband who was 63 years her senior). I don’t disagree with dating older men, but ladies, at some point don’t you have to ask yourself, “Am I dating my daddy?” Seriously, how old is too old?

I never really warmed up to the idea of dating younger men, and for no real reason. Yet, the older guys I've dated haven't been that much older than me so, "mathematically," I guess I've always dated guys "my age." However, I have friends, both male and female, that prefer "dating up,” for very different reasons.

My friend Linda* is a 25-year-old woman with a college degree and a great career who recently purchased her own home. Her boyfriend is 40 with children close to her in age. Their relationship has been going strong for some time now and she gets along well with his children. Luke 5:39 reads, “And no one, after drinking old wine, wishes for new,” and Linda is not interested in dating anyone her age anymore! She won’t date a younger man or even one her age because she believes that younger men are “uncertain and are more likely to be competitive and insecure with [her] accomplishments than someone who will support her aspirations and share advice.”

Conversely, my friend, Sean*, dates older women because, “it’s cool, plain and simple.” He says it’s a plus if the woman is “beautiful and rich.” He agrees that the attraction stems from an increased maturity level (most of the time), the fact that she has a career, which means that they can foot the bill (Sugar Mama), and a mutual understanding on the direction of the relationship: no pressure, no expectations for things to get serious. Wasn’t that Stella’s M.O. before she fell in love with Winston (refer to: How Stella Got Her Groove Back by Terry McMillan)? I also tend to believe men date older women because, in return for whatever it is that they offer, they get an all-encompassing woman that fills a physical and emotional desire. At twenty-something, it is unnatural for a man to expect his mother to still do the things she did for him when he was a child. But an older woman, whom he is dating, can serve as a provider with extra benefits that mom can’t offer (wink). It’s like the school-boy’s crush on his friend’s mother, a term that was introduced to us as “MILF” in the movie American Pie.

All-in-all, age is really a preference. But I really do believe that like wine, a mature man is worth waiting for, finding and enjoying. The only challenge is deciphering between which wines, I mean men, actually mature with age and which ones never will.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

I’ve Found "Him," Now What?

My TEAM and I have asked ourselves over and over, “Where are all the good men hiding?” Well, I’ve already told you in a previous post that they’re actually not hiding. In fact, since that post, I’ve bumped into three! And so now that that mystery has been revealed, you’d think I’d be pleased with the outcome. Think again! It’s great that I’ve found “him,” but now what? I’ve realized that it’s not that there’s a shortage of good men, it’s that when women find them, they don’t know how to appreciate them. Okay, so maybe my revelation was a no-brainer to some, but I never thought I’d be one of those unappreciative women until now…allow me to explain.

I swear I come up with a new definition for dating every time I go out with someone new. Dictionary.com defines dating as, an engagement to go out socially with another person, often out of romantic interest. Auntie says that dating is what you do when you’re trying to find a mate or, if things don’t go well; get a free meal (I promise she means that in the most respectable way possible). However, what people fail to define is the emotional difference between what I’d like to call “serially dating” and “seriously dating.”

Seriously dating is just that, taking the time to learn and grow with one person in all aspects. Serially dating is what I refer to as dating people sequentially (and simultaneously) just for the fun of it, with no expectations, no pressure. It’s a sure-fire way to get to know a couple of people and create a couple of new experiences. But what happens when you’ve been serially dating and find you're seriously falling for one of the guys? That’s where I’ve always dropped the ball. I start dating, say five guys at a time, all of them offering different things, yet, inevitably, one guy (sometimes two) starts to stand out from the bunch and eventually I start falling for them…seriously. Then, like clockwork, I catch myself and I start to renege on my emotions. It ends up leaving the both of us totally confused and instead of an explanation, I’d rather just start from scratch…substitute him out, add another one in.

But lately, I’ve been subbing in this new guy. Believe it or not, to be a rookie, he’s got skills. It’s great to have finally met someone who meets almost all of the “must-haves” on my list. It’s almost too good to be true. So instead of building up a wall, I’m really trying to break down all the other boundaries I usually set and seriously work on letting him in, even if he turns out to be just a friend. But, opening up to something or someone that you haven’t experienced before is never easy. Like I did in the post titled, “An Introduction,” I think I can best describe this situation by comparing it to alcohol:

“At 20-something, I still believe in straight-up love. It may be on the rocks at time, shaken and even stirred. It may be an acquired taste for some. It may get you hooked on the first round or take a while to build a tolerance for. It could up and leave you acting a complete fool, forgetting who you are. It could leave you open and vulnerable, saying and doing things you couldn't even imagine. It could burn going down, yet have the possibility of being so smooth. The thing is, you won't know until you try.”

Unfortunately, doubt has a way of stumbling its way into situations. As soon as I start to give this rookie more playing time, all the players I’ve since benched, want to start showing off to get the coach’s (my) attention. It’s not fair to him, or to me. He’s been performing consistently from the start, while others’ abilities come and go at their leisure. Just when the rookie thinks he’s making a name for himself, I start second-guessing his ability and whether or not I’m missing out on any other valuable players that may be ready to get back on the court. As always, women know what to do; they just don’t know how to do it. And as the title reflects, this time, I don’t have any answers…