I enjoyed a great dinner with a new friend the other weekend and we started talking about our failed relationships. Okay, so I know that everyone warns against bringing up past relationships, especially messy ones, but hell, it’s too late now! What I learned from him is that, believe it or not, guys are just as hurt when a relationship goes wrong and, surprisingly, it’s just as hard for them to move on.
As we talked about what went wrong and the signs that we ignored, it forced me to think about how difficult it must be to remain in a relationship that’s long term. I, for one, was in a monogamous relationship for three long years (wish I could say the same for my ex). To make a long story short, when it was good it was great, but when things were bad, it was the absolute worst of times. And as unfortunate as it may sound, I haven’t been in a long-term relationship since I split from him a little over two years ago because, at times, it's too much work trying to make it work! After sharing this, my new friend made a very good observation:
Once you’ve become so emotionally involved with someone and love enters the equation, it’s almost like you start living for two people, no longer just for yourself. You consider them before making major decisions and you plan your future with them in mind. You look at them in almost the same regard as your family.
Take it from me. On one hand, being committed to someone in that respect can be emotionally draining. On the other hand, I think about married couples, like my parents, who’ve weathered the storms and would laugh at what I consider “emotionally draining” and “long-term.”
Married for 24 years next month, it’s amazing to see two people that have loved each other for so long…or is it? Nine months after marriage, my parents welcome me into the world, so now that their children are grown, they go on dates and trips…quite cute. And it also surprises me to see two people, find ways to fall in love in a new, yet familiar way, over and over again. I think of it as a wonderful challenge, but a challenge nonetheless!
But should it be that difficult at all? We love our parents, our siblings and our friends and we’ve known them practically all our lives. Through good and bad times, ups and downs, we find a way to love them unconditionally, even though we can’t stand them at times. This is most likely because we were "assigned" our families. We ended up with them by chance, not because we chose them (although you'd think that things would be better had we been given a choice sometimes). So then why should our romantic involvement with the opposite sex be any different?
It seems as if my generation of twenty-somethings is pretty much lackadaisical when it comes to sustaining a relationship. As soon as “John” disappoints “Jane (or vice versa),” she’s ready to wash her hands of him. They probably spent more time in the dating phase than in the actual relationship before they decide to call it quits! When we have a choice in the matters of our heart, we’re quick to give up as soon as things go wrong. But if we were to start treating our relationships like they were by chance, we’d be forced to make things work and last…well, at least last longer.
I’d really like to save shacking up for another post, but I remember having a talk about it with my aunt. My argument was that it might be smart to move in with your significant other prior to marriage to see if it’s possible to really live with that person, in close quarters, for the rest of your life. My aunt, begged to differ, saying that a couple has no other choice but to make things work if they wait until after marriage to move in together. It creates an opportunity to test your love and grow from the results.
Now, allow me to make one very important point. I am NOT condoning a person trying to sustain a cheating or any other disrespectful type of relationship. You all know when it’s time to go. Leaving his socks out may not be grounds for a break up, but if he socks you in the eye, you need to be on the next thing smokin’! By choice and by chance simply means that if you have decided to be in a committed relationship with someone, do just that and commit to them, like you have no other choice, rather than giving up right away. A chance at real love is hard to come by. I’m sure you’ve all realized by now that a good man is hard to find so when you do snag one, make it work! Learn something from each other and your experiences together so that you become better people individually.
Until next time: "Live.Love.Learn...and then repeat!"
-TS&S
*This post is dedicated to a few of my TEAMMATES who’ve sold out to be in a relationship! I seriously wish you the best…more men for me!
