In My Mind | Clutch Magazine: The Digital Magazine for the Young, Contemporary Woman of Color

In this article, the writer discovers she is, "too dope to give so much to someone who either chooses to or is unable to give the same to me."

In My Mind | Clutch Magazine: The Digital Magazine for the Young, Contemporary Woman of Color

He Likes Me, He Likes Me Not?

I’d been dating this really cool guy for about a month so, clearly, I liked him a lot. Well, you know me, I got a little excited. I’d been so used to the three (date) strikes and you’re out routine that I began to question if I actually saw something in this man or if I was merely impressed that we’d successfully made it passed the threshold. My girlfriends laugh at me all the time because they can’t understand how, over the years; I have been able spot very early on if I see things progressing. Therefore, you can imagine my anxiety when on date four (ok, not literally), I started overanalyzing whether or not I should be overanalyzing. The joys of being a woman (insert sarcasm here)!

Generally, women are ready for exclusivity much sooner than men. So when is it safe to assume a man is genuinely interested in progressing towards an exclusive dating relationship? Is it a conversation initiated by him or will there be signs? And what signs does he give her, if any, that it is okay to place all her eggs in his basket (no pun intended)? I took it upon myself to ask some very special men in my life to clue me in on when it’s safe to assume a man is interested. Check out the responses below:

He’ll Say It
John:
When a man meets the woman he realizes is worth it, that realization may come after significant experiences, maturation, or a sense of stability in his career. He must not feel swayed to stray. It is a belief that he will not meet someone better than the one in front of him. I think he will say it when he feels it. I’m different in the sense that I figure out everything in my head before I commit my heart. So I had already thought it thru. Hence, I have to wait and gauge when it will be the appropriate time to mention it to her. Unreciprocated feelings are the worst feelings.

Chris:
I would definitely consider this a general rule: if he tells you he isn't ready for *insert topic here*, believe him. In the same way, unless it has been openly discussed and settled, a woman should never assume the man wants to be, or will be, exclusive. And I suggest you don't wait too long to talk about it; if she is at a point where she is prepared to be exclusive, the longer she waits, the more hurt she may be if she finds out he's not ready. My opinion? There needs to be a conversation. Just in case.

He’ll Show It
Anthony:
Honestly, we are confused creatures and we often don’t know when we’re interested in progressing exclusively! From a personal view, I knew I was ready when I began to tell my boys that I’ll have to catch them on the next outing so I can hang out with my boo, even if it wasn’t going out anywhere special. To me that meant that I was putting relationships with my friends on hold while I took time to build one with someone else. If she’s an understanding woman, she’ll tell the man to not worry about it but if he insists on spending time with her, she should assume his genuine interest. But naturally, we won’t initiate that talk and the lady will have to. Most of us don’t like that pressure, but if we are genuinely interested, that conversation won’t bother us much.

Jaden:
Most men don't like to sit a female down and look in her eyes. Or wave a flag that says, "were committed!” You can tell in the time he spends with you. How more affectionate he is when its just you two. Does he bring you along everywhere. Does he take you around his friends? That is the biggest sign there is!

Hate to say it, but there is no definite answer. Every guy is different. Will his actions speak louder than words or vice versa? Your guess is as good as mine! Here’s what I can advise you to do: trust your intuition. If you feel it's right, go for it! "The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it." - Stanley Kubrick

Live, love, learn…and (have the courage to) repeat!

It's Not Me, It's You

After watching the Nightline segment on why successful black women can’t find men, I found it difficult to digest what was said. As a twenty-something single woman, about one-half of my black girlfriends are in committed relationships (with black men), one-third of which are engaged or married. I think the segment left women as confused as they were before it aired. After speaking with friends, a few questions surfaced:

1. Why aren’t we rephrasing the question to ask why men can’t find successful black women?

It has been stated that there are 1.8 million more black women than black men. If the ratio of eligible black men to women is so disproportionate, then why has it been so difficult for a man to find a woman? Women have taken on this problem as their own, without stopping to realize there is another person involved in the equation. The real answer lies in why the 54% of eligible black men aren’t finding black women, and if they are, aren’t marrying them. Are their standards too high? Are they overwhelmed with options? Are they commitment-phobes? None of these questions can be answered or determined because of something women do or don’t do. Meaning, it is not in our control, therefore, we shouldn’t be concerned with how to fix it. Talk about a power struggle.

2. How has this been pinpointed as a problem for black women and not all women?

While statistics show that 42% of black women have never been married, which is double the number of white women, it is important to remember that black women aren’t the only women suffering from the shortage of “eligible” bachelors. That is proven with the creation of so many reality shows focused on finding love. In the last ten years, network television has aired more than 39 relationship reality shows. In the history of The Bachelor, which first aired in 2002, the star of the show has always been a white male searching for love. With the exception of a few minorities, who never make it past the fourth episode, the overwhelming majority of bachelorettes are white. This season, more than 20,000 women auditioned for the show. This program is an example of how white women are just as perplexed at the inability to find a partner.

3. Why are we making the term “successful” synonymous with the type of career or how much money one makes?

It’s clear that success is defined as two different ideals among men and women. A male friend once said that most women base their success on accomplishments, while most men base their success on their ability to attract women. Whether or not this statement is completely accurate is left to the individual to decide. However, I can’t find it being too far from the truth. Instead, we should deem it successful that a man has no kids, no diseases and actually prefers women. As a remedy for this disconnect, the male panelists on Nightline suggest women identify success before it comes into fruition. By dating men who exhibit potential in becoming the successful man of their dreams, panelists say women will be more likely to find the man they seek. Speaking from experience, I’ve dated a lot of men with potential. The problem was I saw more potential than they did in themselves. A woman can have all the hope and support in the world for her man, but in order for things to happen, he's got to be the one to tap into those aspirations. I would suggest investing in a man that supplements what you lack, not complements what you can bring to the table. That way, you both learn and grow from each other.

Be open-minded and expect the best. With that attitude, you are bound to attract the man you seek. Live.Love.Learn...and repeat!