It's Not Me, It's You

After watching the Nightline segment on why successful black women can’t find men, I found it difficult to digest what was said. As a twenty-something single woman, about one-half of my black girlfriends are in committed relationships (with black men), one-third of which are engaged or married. I think the segment left women as confused as they were before it aired. After speaking with friends, a few questions surfaced:

1. Why aren’t we rephrasing the question to ask why men can’t find successful black women?

It has been stated that there are 1.8 million more black women than black men. If the ratio of eligible black men to women is so disproportionate, then why has it been so difficult for a man to find a woman? Women have taken on this problem as their own, without stopping to realize there is another person involved in the equation. The real answer lies in why the 54% of eligible black men aren’t finding black women, and if they are, aren’t marrying them. Are their standards too high? Are they overwhelmed with options? Are they commitment-phobes? None of these questions can be answered or determined because of something women do or don’t do. Meaning, it is not in our control, therefore, we shouldn’t be concerned with how to fix it. Talk about a power struggle.

2. How has this been pinpointed as a problem for black women and not all women?

While statistics show that 42% of black women have never been married, which is double the number of white women, it is important to remember that black women aren’t the only women suffering from the shortage of “eligible” bachelors. That is proven with the creation of so many reality shows focused on finding love. In the last ten years, network television has aired more than 39 relationship reality shows. In the history of The Bachelor, which first aired in 2002, the star of the show has always been a white male searching for love. With the exception of a few minorities, who never make it past the fourth episode, the overwhelming majority of bachelorettes are white. This season, more than 20,000 women auditioned for the show. This program is an example of how white women are just as perplexed at the inability to find a partner.

3. Why are we making the term “successful” synonymous with the type of career or how much money one makes?

It’s clear that success is defined as two different ideals among men and women. A male friend once said that most women base their success on accomplishments, while most men base their success on their ability to attract women. Whether or not this statement is completely accurate is left to the individual to decide. However, I can’t find it being too far from the truth. Instead, we should deem it successful that a man has no kids, no diseases and actually prefers women. As a remedy for this disconnect, the male panelists on Nightline suggest women identify success before it comes into fruition. By dating men who exhibit potential in becoming the successful man of their dreams, panelists say women will be more likely to find the man they seek. Speaking from experience, I’ve dated a lot of men with potential. The problem was I saw more potential than they did in themselves. A woman can have all the hope and support in the world for her man, but in order for things to happen, he's got to be the one to tap into those aspirations. I would suggest investing in a man that supplements what you lack, not complements what you can bring to the table. That way, you both learn and grow from each other.

Be open-minded and expect the best. With that attitude, you are bound to attract the man you seek. Live.Love.Learn...and repeat!