Who Gon' Check Me Boo?

In a game of pick up, to check the ball means that the ball is in play. The concept of a check is on a new possession. The ball is handed to the opponent to make sure that they are ready and set to go. At that point, the player passes or checks the ball back to the opponent and the game is back in motion.

Six hours after being bitten by a 24-hour bug, I peeled myself out of bed and attempted to look somewhat presentable by slapping on some make up, slicking back my hair into a bun, hopping (literally) into some skinny jeans, boots, blazer and a scarf and trekking my way through the cold rain to an underground bar in the city known best for its live jazz shows. I was going to support a friend who had made his way to my town while on tour. I would’ve stayed in bed, but it dawned on me there was a chance I could bump into a crush I’d met almost two years prior, yet had only seen once since. It was worth the chance. He was that gorgeous.

I first met him at this musician-friend’s wedding. He was a groomsman (read: he has at least one friend in a committed relationship…score!). A bunch of us stayed up that night catching up over music and a few drinks in the host hotel. There was no question he was the finest guy there as a few other women were vying for his attention. As driven as I am about going after and getting what I want, I’ve always been the complete opposite with guys. It’s an ego thing. Why in the world would I contribute to the senseless small talk, calculated giggles and batted eyes? Not my style. I decided to pass. Through mutual friends, I learned he lived in my area and so I put a bug in their ear that I was interested and hoped to run into him in the future.

In a quirk of fate, I bumped into him again six months later while on a date. For a brief second I’d forgotten I was with someone else. Yes, he was still that gorgeous. He passed on his business card and I did the professional thing by following up via email the following week. “Dear (crush), it was great running into you. Maybe next time we can do it over drinks. ‘Til then, be well.” He didn’t respond immediately, and to this day I can’t recall what he wrote, but we never met for drinks. So, eventually, out of sight, out of mind he went.

Fast forward to present day, it's been almost a year since our last encounter. I was pleasantly surprised and relieved to see my crush was in fact at the jazz show looking gorgeous...still. At the end of the night, as I was saying my goodbyes to friends in the crowd, we made eye contact. We spoke briefly in the dimly-lit venue, but again, I failed to make a move. Too many people were around, it was late and I was sick (read: I chickened out). So, I followed up with a message similar to the one I’d previously sent. As of yet, no response.

What is wrong with this dude? Didn’t I give him enough of a hint that I was interested? Or is it simply that he’s not? Impossible! Is it me? Word to Charlie Sheen, I’ve been dating so many losers that I forgot what it’s like to be winning in this dating game. Twice, I’ve made a pass by placing the ball in his court, trying to get him involved in this game of pick up (pun intended). Twice, he has failed to put this game in motion. I’m more than capable once the ball is in my possession, but who gon’ check me, boo?

To be continued… I hope.

Social Cues

I felt my mind – and my eyes for that matter – begin to wander. This man just kept talking…and with his hands no less. It was as if I were across the table from a used car salesman. His fast-talking was a dead giveaway that he was trying to hide something; too insecure to simply shut up for a minute. Poor guy.

An hour and a half went by and I learned about his parents, their parents and of course, his ex – which for a while I thought was imaginary. I did my very best to stay involved in the conversation. I interjected when possible with a smile, a nod here and there and every 20 minutes or so a subtle mention of how tired I was followed by checking the time. I even did the honor of motioning the waiter for the check. My “date” was oblivious to it all. I struggle to even label this encounter a date because I knew I wasn’t interested before we went out. Contrarily, my girlfriend was so sure we’d hit it off that I eventually gave in. I now know she simply wanted a double dating pair as she was seeing a friend of his.

Small gestures buried beneath the “cool guy façade” let me know he was a gentleman, yet throughout the nervous laughter and jibber jabber, I quickly came to the conclusion that my first instinct was indeed correct. I was not interested and there was no connection. Zilch. I’d share more of my experience, but I doubt you’d keep reading and I wouldn’t blame you.

Before I could call my girlfriend to lay her out for setting me up, she called me to report back his version of the date. Apparently, he had a great time and was looking forward to the next outing. He “felt something.” I blame the appetizers. He surely couldn’t have gotten that vibe from me. I don’t mean to be an asshole (not this time anyway), but why didn’t he pick up on what I was putting down?

Studies have shown that people who find it hard to make friends and establish long-term relationships also have trouble interpreting social cues. Go figure.

I’ve heard people say that women can decide within 30 seconds whether or not they want to sleep with a man. I wouldn’t go that far – unless we’re talking about Bradley Cooper or someone of equal or greater aesthetic appeal (insert one of your “Top 5” celebrities here). However, I will agree that 30 seconds into a conversation, we can generally decide whether or not we want to continue conversing. That’s why first dates should always be limited to less than an hour with the opportunity to extend beyond that timeframe. If you plan to meet over a drink and not dinner and the date is going south, you can excuse yourself after one drink and not have to wallow through idle conversation as you order a meal, wait for it to arrive, eat it and wait again for the check.

If you’re out with someone and you are clueless when it comes to being clued in on if they’re feeling you, keep the following social cues in mind:

1. When in public, is their body facing away from yours?
2. Do they look around the room to see who else is watching the two of you?
3. Are they avoiding eye contact?
4. Are they frequently checking their watch or cell phone for the time?
5. Do they yawn intermittently?

If the answer to all these questions is “yes,” then I hate to break it to you, but their social cues indicate that a next date may not be in the cards. Don’t be offended, simply move on. The person that’s right for you will be engaged in dialogue. When you’re together, time will fly by and you’ll both be anxiously waiting to meet again. Til that time comes, live.love.learn…and repeat!