Dear Ms. Wright,
I am 24 years old and am still with my high school sweetheart. We’ve experienced our ups and downs over the many years, but we’ve stuck it out. Well, I think I’m hitting one of those “down” moments again. He is very focused on school and his budding career that I feel he leaves little time for me. I am trying to be patient with him, but it’s hard. He is so preoccupied with other things that it makes me feel isolated and in my own bubble. I met a guy who I fully intended to be nothing more than a friend, and although he knows about my boyfriend, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him and him about me. He’ll send me cute little reminders that says he’s thinking about me. It’s just a simple crush, nothing more. We don’t even live in the same state, but I’m intrigued because it’s something new and different than what I’m getting from my boyfriend. I know that if we were closer to each other, I could be headed towards trouble. Please help,
Attention-starved, age 24.
Dear Attention-starved,
I’m afraid what I may say will burst your bubble so get the parachute ready. As you know, from being in a relationship for as long as you have, it is important to find new ways to fall in love with the one your with. I’ve mentioned that before. Look at older married couples that have weathered the storms. While you may think it’s harmless to let this new guy blow some air in your bubble of isolation from time to time, remember not to let it inflate too big and result in you getting carried away.
Reminding yourself of why you fell in love with your boyfriend can be the first step in staying in love with him. Ask yourself: What attracted me to him? Why did I fall in love? What helped us get back up after our “down moments?” Reflect on the answers and bring it to your man’s attention. Let him know through your words and actions that you’re trying to “get that old (yet good) thing back!” Communicating your needs to him in a way in which you know he’ll be receptive (Note: this can vary from man to man and relationship to relationship) is extremely important. What I’ve been told is that while women let one un-related emotions influence another, men, on the other hand, tend not to let their emotions overlap. The way you may let a good day with him dictate a productive day at work/school, etc., he probably keeps school, work and his relationship with you in separate boxes, only dealing with one “box of emotions” at a time. It is our job, sadly, as women to remind men to reach for that relationship box more often.
Don’t be fooled, just like the new car smell, that “new feeling” can wear off if you let it. Most times, it’s not intentional and usually means that two people have reached a mutual level of comfort with one another. Be comfortable enough to talk to him, tell him how you feel and ALWAYS offer solutions for compromise. From his response (whether verbal or non-verbal), you can gauge one of two things: if it’s worth holding on or if you should let go and move on to something new.
Good luck and remember to live, love, learn…and then repeat!
