This is taken from the site Until I Get Married. It is a blog about the hilarious accounts of a bachelor. Read below...
Some things in life I prefer to do with women more than men. I’m not talking about the obvious things like, sex. I’m talking about other, less intimate activities we wouldn’t immediately think about.
I’ve been pondering this a lot lately, largely because in less than a month, I will be attending the wedding of two very good friends of mine and I have no date. Now of course I can go by myself. As one of the groomsmen, I’m going to be busy anyway. But this wedding is different.
For one, the wedding and reception is taking place on New Year’s Eve, with the reception doubling as a traditional NYE party. The second issue is, from what my friends tell me, every female in attendance is already coming with a date, which only makes sense considering it’s on the backdrop of NYE. So now here I am, less than a month away from the wedding and I have no one to take back to my hotel room kiss. Any other day of the year, and I’d probably have my boy roll with me. We can get our Wedding Crashers on `a la Vince Vaughn and Owen Willson, but with the added romance of New Year’s Eve, some female company would be ideal.
But a New Year’s Eve wedding isn’t the only thing I’d prefer to do with women. Below, a list of five other activities I could do with one of my boys, but never would. Men, feel free to add your own activities to the list in the comments, and ladies, I’d love to hear what activities females feel they would prefer to do with men over women.
Enjoy this…
ATTEND AN R&B CONCERT
No matter the city, an R&B concert is the ultimate ladies night. But even with a sea of fine women in attendance, and even if bringing a woman to the concert is akin to bringing sand to the beach, I still can’t find it in me to ask one of male friends if they want to roll with me to the Maxwell concert. I’ll sooner take my own mother. I’ll just tell my boy to meet me at the after-party. The show itself, that’s for the ladies.
BROADWAY PLAYS
Since I’ve lived in New York, I have been to about six or seven different Broadway plays, all of them with women. Not once have I ever left a theatre after a show and thought, You know, I think my boy would’ve really enjoyed that.
MILKSHAKES
Who doesn’t love a good milkshake? That’s totally a gender neutral thing. But if I ever get the urge to have one and want some company to join me, my boy will never get that call. Women are much preferred. Nothing like looking a woman in her eyes while she’s sucking a straw like it held antibodies.
BAKING
I like to cook and bake. The last thing I put in the oven was some green tea muffins, and folks can judge me all they want, I enjoyed them thoroughly. I didn’t even share them. But if I did share them, it would be with someone who helped make them, and they probably wouldn’t be a guy friend of mine cause I don’t think I can picture a time where I would feel comfortable with my boy asking me if he could lick the spoon. The way i see it, if it’s a grill, let my brethren gather around, but if it’s an oven, and I’m wearing mitts with flowers on them, women only.
ORDERING DESSERT
When it comes to dinner, I have no problem going with my boy or going with my woman. It’s 2009, all men should be able to get some time in with their best friend over a good meal at a nice restaurant. But when it comes time for dessert, only bring me the menu if the person I’m having dinner with has breasts. If they have facial hair, don’t even ask if we want dessert. I think I speak for the table when I say, we don’t.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Love Rules! 10 Things to Ask Before Getting Into a Relationship
BV on Love
06.03.2009
At the start of any relationship, you want to be prepared for what is to come. The best way to do that is to know your partner and to answer some key questions that will pave the way to a healthy relationship. This is the time to be open and honest and, above all, inquisitive so that you can create a sound foundation. These questions will allow you to figure out if this is the right person for you before you invest your heart. It is always better to know what you are dealing with than to live in a world of illusions.
Love Rules!
Be the chooser and know what you want: Being conscious of the kind of person that would fulfill your requirements, needs, wants and desires is key to laying the foundation for a successful and healthy relationship. Q: What is your idea of an ideal mate? Does your partner meet these specifications?
Conscious Choices: Make sure that you are entering into this relationship for the right reasons. You want to be open and ready to embark on a new love journey and to do that successfully you want be aware of your choices each step of the way. Q: What do I want from this relationship? Why do I want to be in this relationship?
Relationship Status: Make sure that you are both on the same page when deciding to move to the next level. Q: What does Monogamy mean to you? Are you interested in a commitment? How available are you to have a committed and monogamous relationship with me?
Religion and Values: Do we share similar beliefs and values and do we respect those values that are not the same? Are we open to listening and learning about each others religions whether they be the same or different?
Family and Children: You want to make sure that you both have the same requirements about family and children before you get into a committed relationship. Q: Do you want children? How many? What style of parenting do we see ourselves implementing? What values, beliefs or religions would we instill in them? What is your partners family dynamic?
Financial Status: Knowing your partners relationship to money will allow you to see just how compatible your financial relationship will be. Questions: How much debt do you have and how do you manage it? What are your saving habits? What are your financial goals for the future? When do you want to retire and how much money do we need to save to maintain our lifestyle?
Sex: Sex is a vital part of a relationship so approaching it honestly and with an open mind will allow you to explore new heights of pleasure. Q: Can we comfortably express our sexual needs, wants and desires? Does your mate have to participate in anal or oral sex? Will pornography be a part of our sex life? How comfortable is your mate with having sex before marriage?
Health: Knowing your partners health history will prepare you to take any precautions necessary and will allow you to approach them as a couple. Q: What is your health story? Do you exercise? Are there any mental health issues? (i.e. depression, anxiety, stress) Have you practiced safe sex? Have you ever had or do you now have a venereal disease? Can we get tested together?
Identity: Truly knowing who you are and how you are around your partner is crucial to establishing trust and getting to know each other. Q: Do I feel safe with this person? Am I comfortable being 100% me? How comfortable is my partner with me?
Intention: Knowing why you have chosen to be in a relationship with this person and co-creating a future with each other will set the plan in motion. Be as detailed as possible and allow room for both partners to create a shared future. Q: How do we see our future together?
06.03.2009
At the start of any relationship, you want to be prepared for what is to come. The best way to do that is to know your partner and to answer some key questions that will pave the way to a healthy relationship. This is the time to be open and honest and, above all, inquisitive so that you can create a sound foundation. These questions will allow you to figure out if this is the right person for you before you invest your heart. It is always better to know what you are dealing with than to live in a world of illusions.
Love Rules!
Be the chooser and know what you want: Being conscious of the kind of person that would fulfill your requirements, needs, wants and desires is key to laying the foundation for a successful and healthy relationship. Q: What is your idea of an ideal mate? Does your partner meet these specifications?
Conscious Choices: Make sure that you are entering into this relationship for the right reasons. You want to be open and ready to embark on a new love journey and to do that successfully you want be aware of your choices each step of the way. Q: What do I want from this relationship? Why do I want to be in this relationship?
Relationship Status: Make sure that you are both on the same page when deciding to move to the next level. Q: What does Monogamy mean to you? Are you interested in a commitment? How available are you to have a committed and monogamous relationship with me?
Religion and Values: Do we share similar beliefs and values and do we respect those values that are not the same? Are we open to listening and learning about each others religions whether they be the same or different?
Family and Children: You want to make sure that you both have the same requirements about family and children before you get into a committed relationship. Q: Do you want children? How many? What style of parenting do we see ourselves implementing? What values, beliefs or religions would we instill in them? What is your partners family dynamic?
Financial Status: Knowing your partners relationship to money will allow you to see just how compatible your financial relationship will be. Questions: How much debt do you have and how do you manage it? What are your saving habits? What are your financial goals for the future? When do you want to retire and how much money do we need to save to maintain our lifestyle?
Sex: Sex is a vital part of a relationship so approaching it honestly and with an open mind will allow you to explore new heights of pleasure. Q: Can we comfortably express our sexual needs, wants and desires? Does your mate have to participate in anal or oral sex? Will pornography be a part of our sex life? How comfortable is your mate with having sex before marriage?
Health: Knowing your partners health history will prepare you to take any precautions necessary and will allow you to approach them as a couple. Q: What is your health story? Do you exercise? Are there any mental health issues? (i.e. depression, anxiety, stress) Have you practiced safe sex? Have you ever had or do you now have a venereal disease? Can we get tested together?
Identity: Truly knowing who you are and how you are around your partner is crucial to establishing trust and getting to know each other. Q: Do I feel safe with this person? Am I comfortable being 100% me? How comfortable is my partner with me?
Intention: Knowing why you have chosen to be in a relationship with this person and co-creating a future with each other will set the plan in motion. Be as detailed as possible and allow room for both partners to create a shared future. Q: How do we see our future together?
Friday, September 11, 2009
U.N.T.I.T.L.E.D.
Over the weekend I indulged in overdue conversation with one of my good college friends, Ashley.* We talked about work and family, future aspirations, upcoming holiday plans and, last but not least, men. She filled me in on a guy she’s been dating for about two months now. They met through mutual friends as attendants at their wedding and have been hitting it off ever since. A considerable amount of time has been shared among the two of them whether it be going out for dinner or drinks, catching a movie, or simply relaxing at one another’s home. They contribute to assisting with each other’s personal and professional goals and have grown quite comfortable…to an extent. The one concern Ashley had was that, as their interaction with one another was becoming more consistent, equally divided between outdoor activities and well…indoor activities, she starting to wonder if her long-term goal of a relationship would be nothing more than satisfied for the short term.
I swear, for men to be such simple creatures, they can be so complicated most times! I once heard, “if he says he doesn’t want a relationship, yet acts like he does, he doesn’t want a relationship, he wants sex!” This is absolutely hilarious to me, but I’m beginning to find it to be most certainly true. In this case, ladies, we have to believe that actions do NOT speak louder than words. He is blatantly exhibiting to you that he wants the benefits of a relationship without the boundaries that come along with the commitment of one. It’s what Stevie Wonder referred to as “part-time lover.” My friend Justin* believes that it’s not that he wants just sex because, “that’s so easy to come by,” but admits, “most guys in that situation are having a crisis of leadership between the heart and mind.”
Everyone has experienced this “crisis” at least once in their life. In order to avoid being on the receiving end, it’s imperative to first establish what it is we want and then refrain from entertaining anything less. At a certain point in life we have to stop HOPING an interaction leads to what we want and, instead, ensure that it will. I’m not speaking in terms of demands; I’m speaking, again, in regards to standards and requirements. And that begins and, with any luck, ends with a simple conversation.
Men, trust me, women dread having to ask it just as much as you dread having to answer the question, “where do we stand?” We would much rather know ahead of time, before emotions are intensely thrown within the mix, if we’re on the same page. But should we find ourselves playing catch up in that regard, we shouldn’t be concerned about when and how to have the conversation with a man or about how he may or may not react. Instead, we should take into account the way we may feel as a result of continuing to dance around the circumstance. We can’t expect them to come correct with us if we don’t come correct with ourselves.
If you like a guy and see yourself possibly building with him, toil at the foundation, which is established, initially, in the form of clearly stating your wants versus your needs; the things you’re willing to compromise on versus your must-haves. The first step towards getting what you want is to stop being in denial about what you don't want for fear that it will scare him away. Truthfully state your objective to avoid misunderstanding down the line. Certain things are simply unavoidable. People and feelings do change. Revisiting where you all stand every now and then will be necessary, but, at least, the first conversation sets the framework.
Don’t settle for anything less than a straight-up answer or you could find yourself just along for the ride. I can just about guarantee; it won’t lead to any grand destination. That is, unless you first go through hell and high water to get there. He may ask you to wait for him to figure out where he stands. Ashley believes that, in that instance, it’s up to the individual to decide if they have the patience to wait and the strength to handle themselves if it does not turn out the way they desired.
I’ve waited and, unfortunately, it didn’t produce the results for which I was hoping. I’ve also opted out, after which he took the time a part to realize I was the one with whom he wanted to build. Sadly, I’d already moved on. It’s a chance you must be willing to take.
Live.Love.Learn…and then repeat!
*names have been changed to protect identity
Song for thought: "Where I Stand," Raheem DeVaughn
I swear, for men to be such simple creatures, they can be so complicated most times! I once heard, “if he says he doesn’t want a relationship, yet acts like he does, he doesn’t want a relationship, he wants sex!” This is absolutely hilarious to me, but I’m beginning to find it to be most certainly true. In this case, ladies, we have to believe that actions do NOT speak louder than words. He is blatantly exhibiting to you that he wants the benefits of a relationship without the boundaries that come along with the commitment of one. It’s what Stevie Wonder referred to as “part-time lover.” My friend Justin* believes that it’s not that he wants just sex because, “that’s so easy to come by,” but admits, “most guys in that situation are having a crisis of leadership between the heart and mind.”
Everyone has experienced this “crisis” at least once in their life. In order to avoid being on the receiving end, it’s imperative to first establish what it is we want and then refrain from entertaining anything less. At a certain point in life we have to stop HOPING an interaction leads to what we want and, instead, ensure that it will. I’m not speaking in terms of demands; I’m speaking, again, in regards to standards and requirements. And that begins and, with any luck, ends with a simple conversation.
Men, trust me, women dread having to ask it just as much as you dread having to answer the question, “where do we stand?” We would much rather know ahead of time, before emotions are intensely thrown within the mix, if we’re on the same page. But should we find ourselves playing catch up in that regard, we shouldn’t be concerned about when and how to have the conversation with a man or about how he may or may not react. Instead, we should take into account the way we may feel as a result of continuing to dance around the circumstance. We can’t expect them to come correct with us if we don’t come correct with ourselves.
If you like a guy and see yourself possibly building with him, toil at the foundation, which is established, initially, in the form of clearly stating your wants versus your needs; the things you’re willing to compromise on versus your must-haves. The first step towards getting what you want is to stop being in denial about what you don't want for fear that it will scare him away. Truthfully state your objective to avoid misunderstanding down the line. Certain things are simply unavoidable. People and feelings do change. Revisiting where you all stand every now and then will be necessary, but, at least, the first conversation sets the framework.
Don’t settle for anything less than a straight-up answer or you could find yourself just along for the ride. I can just about guarantee; it won’t lead to any grand destination. That is, unless you first go through hell and high water to get there. He may ask you to wait for him to figure out where he stands. Ashley believes that, in that instance, it’s up to the individual to decide if they have the patience to wait and the strength to handle themselves if it does not turn out the way they desired.
I’ve waited and, unfortunately, it didn’t produce the results for which I was hoping. I’ve also opted out, after which he took the time a part to realize I was the one with whom he wanted to build. Sadly, I’d already moved on. It’s a chance you must be willing to take.
Live.Love.Learn…and then repeat!
*names have been changed to protect identity
Song for thought: "Where I Stand," Raheem DeVaughn
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Dear TONY: How Soon is Too Soon?
In July of 2007, I blogged on being in a “no strings attached” relationship. I told the story of my friend, new to single life, finding herself tangled up in a situation that she initially agreed to, but no longer wanted. Better late than never, here is my attempt at further exploring the topic of how soon is too soon to become physically intimate with someone. More specifically, I’ve been curious to know if there is potential for a relationship to form from a situation in which sex was introduced very early into the equation. There was a very insightful comment that was made on that blog and I’ve asked Jennifer Lindsay (JuJuBee925) to share her thoughts with us in detail. I appreciate her outlook and approach and hope you can as well.
WHAT SHE SAID:
When speaking about relationships the question of “How soon is too soon?” is always infused in every aspect/stage of the relationship. “How soon is too soon” to kiss, “How soon is too soon” for sex, “How soon is too soon” for marriage (or talks thereof), “How soon is too soon” for kids. In almost every stage, one or both parties of the relationship asks this question, “How soon is too soon?,” and I believe, undeniably, that the answer, no matter the stage of the relationship, rests within the specific situation and with the individuals involved. There is no “Set Time” or specific “Date of Copulation.” It’s a choice based off of gut feelings and instinct, and should never be about anything more or less than that.
In getting to the nitty-gritty of this matter, I believe, for the most part, that women are typically the individuals that control the first intimate encounter. And you have three different prototypical types of women, when it comes to handling this matter:
The Controller
The Loose Goose, and
The Free Spirit
The Controller is comparable to Joan, of Girlfriends, who has the standard “3 Month Rule.” While in theory, this rule seems appropriate, for it allows you and your soon to be partner to really get to know each other, it’s extremely conservative nature can keep you from some truly amazing guys. This system/way of thinking is problematic because every new and budding relationship is different. To begin a relationship starting with rules, to me, would send a red flag to a guy, that this woman has a need to control everything and isn’t a “go with the flow” type of individual, a trait that most guys posses. Also, what happens if you fall for the guy at week 6, you have to put those feelings on hold or even belabor taking that next step because it doesn’t fit into your timeline? I think having a rule disables you from being a “Big Girl” and making the choice yourself, so that if the relationship fails, you won’t have to be responsible.
The Loose Goose is more open... perhaps too much so. Now, I’m an advocate of doing what you feel, but there is a fine line that can easily cross into being easy. I believe that you should know a person and be comfortable with them, without the assistance of alcohol, before getting intimate. Being this type will often leave you jumping in and out of beds too quickly, without really knowing the guy you’re seeking. This type of woman confuses her gut feeling with other mental or physical emotions, which can ultimately spell disaster if she’s looking to be a girlfriend and not a booty call.
The Free Spirit is the ideal of the three. She is the “go with the flow” type. She uses her head and her heart when it comes to decision making and takes responsibility for the outcome, whether good or bad.
Can committed relationships form from situations where sex took place soon after meeting? I believe the answer is YES… and NO. Yes, it does happen, but, taking from the movie He’s Just Not That into You, that is more the exception than the rule. Does it happen to most girls, NO. I think that in the world of dating, everybody, men and women alike, should always prepare to be the exception but expect to be the rule.
In having sex “too soon,” I don’t believe that the person loses respect, but that couple really doesn’t know one another and makes them play catch-up, which in many cases is harder. It’s like you know their favorite bed position, but you don’t know their stance/position on current affairs, or their current position at work. If it seems backwards, it is.
All in all, know your mate and know yourself. The decision you make, in the end, will always be the best decision for you.
--------------
In addition, I polled a few men on the topic.
WHAT HE SAID:
Can a relationship form from sex too soon? Would you lose respect?
• “Yes, a relationship can form. The only time you could say she ‘gave it up too soon’ is if it was the same day you met. That would impact my level of respect. Otherwise I'd assume you just know what you want.”
• “A woman should make every guy work for it - at least 2 months... You will really see if he's about games.”
• “My longest relationship came from a situation where we had sex within the first week! So my answer is yes, it can work. As a man, if I respect the female as a woman with class, while outside the bedroom, that respect isn't going to change by us having sex.”
If she asked you to wait, how long would you?
• “I could wait for as long as I cared to, and that’s just relative to whom I’m dealing with and what I feel for them.”
• “It would be a pain not getting any but I would respect it and her.”
• “A real interest in her would make a guy wait and he would get to spend more time around her if she doesn't give it up fast because he's going to try and impress her. It’s harder to ditch a girl you've become attached 2 rather than somebody u just (expletive). By giving it up too soon, that's a sure way to lose interest because he's already received the services - but with time, there’s a greater chance for a connection to be formed.”
Live, Love, Learn...and repeat!
Song for thought: T.O.N.Y., Solange
BECOME A FAN OF MS. WRIGHT ON FACEBOOK!
WHAT SHE SAID:
When speaking about relationships the question of “How soon is too soon?” is always infused in every aspect/stage of the relationship. “How soon is too soon” to kiss, “How soon is too soon” for sex, “How soon is too soon” for marriage (or talks thereof), “How soon is too soon” for kids. In almost every stage, one or both parties of the relationship asks this question, “How soon is too soon?,” and I believe, undeniably, that the answer, no matter the stage of the relationship, rests within the specific situation and with the individuals involved. There is no “Set Time” or specific “Date of Copulation.” It’s a choice based off of gut feelings and instinct, and should never be about anything more or less than that.
In getting to the nitty-gritty of this matter, I believe, for the most part, that women are typically the individuals that control the first intimate encounter. And you have three different prototypical types of women, when it comes to handling this matter:
The Controller
The Loose Goose, and
The Free Spirit
The Controller is comparable to Joan, of Girlfriends, who has the standard “3 Month Rule.” While in theory, this rule seems appropriate, for it allows you and your soon to be partner to really get to know each other, it’s extremely conservative nature can keep you from some truly amazing guys. This system/way of thinking is problematic because every new and budding relationship is different. To begin a relationship starting with rules, to me, would send a red flag to a guy, that this woman has a need to control everything and isn’t a “go with the flow” type of individual, a trait that most guys posses. Also, what happens if you fall for the guy at week 6, you have to put those feelings on hold or even belabor taking that next step because it doesn’t fit into your timeline? I think having a rule disables you from being a “Big Girl” and making the choice yourself, so that if the relationship fails, you won’t have to be responsible.
The Loose Goose is more open... perhaps too much so. Now, I’m an advocate of doing what you feel, but there is a fine line that can easily cross into being easy. I believe that you should know a person and be comfortable with them, without the assistance of alcohol, before getting intimate. Being this type will often leave you jumping in and out of beds too quickly, without really knowing the guy you’re seeking. This type of woman confuses her gut feeling with other mental or physical emotions, which can ultimately spell disaster if she’s looking to be a girlfriend and not a booty call.
The Free Spirit is the ideal of the three. She is the “go with the flow” type. She uses her head and her heart when it comes to decision making and takes responsibility for the outcome, whether good or bad.
Can committed relationships form from situations where sex took place soon after meeting? I believe the answer is YES… and NO. Yes, it does happen, but, taking from the movie He’s Just Not That into You, that is more the exception than the rule. Does it happen to most girls, NO. I think that in the world of dating, everybody, men and women alike, should always prepare to be the exception but expect to be the rule.
In having sex “too soon,” I don’t believe that the person loses respect, but that couple really doesn’t know one another and makes them play catch-up, which in many cases is harder. It’s like you know their favorite bed position, but you don’t know their stance/position on current affairs, or their current position at work. If it seems backwards, it is.
All in all, know your mate and know yourself. The decision you make, in the end, will always be the best decision for you.
--------------
In addition, I polled a few men on the topic.
WHAT HE SAID:
Can a relationship form from sex too soon? Would you lose respect?
• “Yes, a relationship can form. The only time you could say she ‘gave it up too soon’ is if it was the same day you met. That would impact my level of respect. Otherwise I'd assume you just know what you want.”
• “A woman should make every guy work for it - at least 2 months... You will really see if he's about games.”
• “My longest relationship came from a situation where we had sex within the first week! So my answer is yes, it can work. As a man, if I respect the female as a woman with class, while outside the bedroom, that respect isn't going to change by us having sex.”
If she asked you to wait, how long would you?
• “I could wait for as long as I cared to, and that’s just relative to whom I’m dealing with and what I feel for them.”
• “It would be a pain not getting any but I would respect it and her.”
• “A real interest in her would make a guy wait and he would get to spend more time around her if she doesn't give it up fast because he's going to try and impress her. It’s harder to ditch a girl you've become attached 2 rather than somebody u just (expletive). By giving it up too soon, that's a sure way to lose interest because he's already received the services - but with time, there’s a greater chance for a connection to be formed.”
Live, Love, Learn...and repeat!
Song for thought: T.O.N.Y., Solange
BECOME A FAN OF MS. WRIGHT ON FACEBOOK!
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
X.Oh, Ex.O*
"I don’t go to pieces when a relationship doesn’t work out. I just focus harder on making my more important friendships last longer. I disagree strongly with ending friendships and with keeping people out. Everyone has their own special qualities regardless of what they may believe is right. So, no, I don’t throw people away. I may sometimes put them in a little box too high to reach until I gain the energy and patience to deal with them again."
I recently stumbled upon this quote taken from a fellow twenty-something woman’s adaptation of The Rules, by dating coaches Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. In many instances, I’ve had the same ideals. Whether or not it’s best is the question at hand. You see, I have never had such huge falling outs with any true friends to where the aftermath didn’t allow for us to be, at least, genuinely cordial to one another. I’ve tried very hard not to hold grudges and to allow people to redeem themselves through their actions, in hopes they would give me the same consideration. But more specifically, there are times when the romantic connections, between men and women, well...disconnect and it makes me wonder, after a breakup, can exes be friends?
The first thing to note is that if you and your ex were never really friends to begin with, then you can forget about trying to forge a friendship now. Listen to me; there's a big chance it ain’t gonna happen, especially if the break wasn’t a joint agreement. A relationship correspondent for AskMen.com believes that, “…relationships rarely see mutual breakups. But the person who does the breaking up feels like less of a bad guy by offering that sense of truce: "It's not you, it's me. We'll still be friends, right?" This peace offering of friendship provides the dumper with the solace of knowing they aren't such a horrible person because they still want to be friends with their ex.” And, if you read, It’s Called a Breakup Because it’s Broken, you remember that the authors also interpret this tactic to be simply a rhetorical expression for the personal benefit of the dumper and not a literal means to spare the dumped.
Let’s walk through one of my analogies for a moment. We’re in a recession. As a result, people are losing their jobs and therefore can’t pay their bills, their mortgage. The prices of homes are going down, but people in the market to buy may still struggle with affording the down payment. It seems to be a lose/lose situation, resulting in a lot of empty homes. Conversely, women have been experiencing a male recession for quite some time.
The Housing Market
Doing my best to paraphrase, a good friend* recently said that there are many homes on the market, but no matter what the purchasing incentives are, if a man cannot or is not willing to make the down payment to solidify that he is serious about owning the home, he simply cannot be pressured into buying. To that I reminded him about the first time homebuyers’ programs, which most times waive the down payment and closing costs. But I caught myself. Those people typically have “good credit.” There are always exceptions, but trying to rent-to-own a “friendship” with an ex with the hope that he’ll one day buy into your idea of a relationship is not the way to go. If however, you’ve established “good credit” along the way, there may be an opportunity to, at least, remain friends.
With one of my exes, it was obvious that after only a few months as a couple, we weren’t as compatible as we were attracted to one another. There were no hard feelings and we, sporadically, keep in touch. And although our current terms are harmless, when asked by his wife, he denied that we were ever anything more than friends, because of her being opposed to any communication whatsoever. So on that note, comes my first of two examples:
O.P.P. (Other Potential Property)
Yes, I absolutely believe it is possible for men and women to be friends if the guidelines are set in the beginning. If both exes are clear that there is no chance to rekindle what was, then the two can possibly pull off a friendship, but the likelihood is well, unlikely. Additionally, if either person formerly involved in the relationship, currently has a significant other, seldom is any type of relationship with an ex appropriate because of the chance that someone will be insecure with the state of affairs (for lack of a better phrase).
The situation between me and another ex is a little different. To my knowledge, neither of us is actively engaged in a relationship. However, that doesn’t automatically signify friendship being in the cards. I think we can both agree to having had a very unique relationship, so for it to conclude when it did, the way it did came unexpectedly. This leads to my next example:
Buying For(e)closure
If one or both parties are still looking for closure from the way the relationship ended, the prospect of moving on as just friends can be unrealistic as well. Keep in mind: foreclosed homes come “as is.” They were lived in and when you purchase it, you’ll have to clean up the mess from the prior owner. If the previous owner couldn’t keep up with the mortgage, they most likely couldn’t keep up with repairs. You could potentially be looking at a total rehabilitation project that most aren’t willing to undertake. If the foundation isn’t strong, making renovations is pointless.
It truly depends on the state of the relationship while it was in play and how it ended. The best way to determine if you can maintain a friendship with an ex is to measure the dynamic, both romantic and platonic, the storms it weathered and if, after the storm, the foundation stayed intact. Whatever you do, don’t force it. Remember: reason, season, lifetime. And next time a potential relationship presents itself, make it a point to build a friendship first.
Good luck! Live.Love.Learn...and then repeat!
Not working out?
Song For Thought: We Can’t Be Friends, Deborah Cox & R.L.
Want to start your next relationship on a friendly turf?
Song for thought: "Step Further," Sol Edler (3rd song on playlist)
I recently stumbled upon this quote taken from a fellow twenty-something woman’s adaptation of The Rules, by dating coaches Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. In many instances, I’ve had the same ideals. Whether or not it’s best is the question at hand. You see, I have never had such huge falling outs with any true friends to where the aftermath didn’t allow for us to be, at least, genuinely cordial to one another. I’ve tried very hard not to hold grudges and to allow people to redeem themselves through their actions, in hopes they would give me the same consideration. But more specifically, there are times when the romantic connections, between men and women, well...disconnect and it makes me wonder, after a breakup, can exes be friends?
The first thing to note is that if you and your ex were never really friends to begin with, then you can forget about trying to forge a friendship now. Listen to me; there's a big chance it ain’t gonna happen, especially if the break wasn’t a joint agreement. A relationship correspondent for AskMen.com believes that, “…relationships rarely see mutual breakups. But the person who does the breaking up feels like less of a bad guy by offering that sense of truce: "It's not you, it's me. We'll still be friends, right?" This peace offering of friendship provides the dumper with the solace of knowing they aren't such a horrible person because they still want to be friends with their ex.” And, if you read, It’s Called a Breakup Because it’s Broken, you remember that the authors also interpret this tactic to be simply a rhetorical expression for the personal benefit of the dumper and not a literal means to spare the dumped.
Let’s walk through one of my analogies for a moment. We’re in a recession. As a result, people are losing their jobs and therefore can’t pay their bills, their mortgage. The prices of homes are going down, but people in the market to buy may still struggle with affording the down payment. It seems to be a lose/lose situation, resulting in a lot of empty homes. Conversely, women have been experiencing a male recession for quite some time.
The Housing Market
Doing my best to paraphrase, a good friend* recently said that there are many homes on the market, but no matter what the purchasing incentives are, if a man cannot or is not willing to make the down payment to solidify that he is serious about owning the home, he simply cannot be pressured into buying. To that I reminded him about the first time homebuyers’ programs, which most times waive the down payment and closing costs. But I caught myself. Those people typically have “good credit.” There are always exceptions, but trying to rent-to-own a “friendship” with an ex with the hope that he’ll one day buy into your idea of a relationship is not the way to go. If however, you’ve established “good credit” along the way, there may be an opportunity to, at least, remain friends.
With one of my exes, it was obvious that after only a few months as a couple, we weren’t as compatible as we were attracted to one another. There were no hard feelings and we, sporadically, keep in touch. And although our current terms are harmless, when asked by his wife, he denied that we were ever anything more than friends, because of her being opposed to any communication whatsoever. So on that note, comes my first of two examples:
O.P.P. (Other Potential Property)
Yes, I absolutely believe it is possible for men and women to be friends if the guidelines are set in the beginning. If both exes are clear that there is no chance to rekindle what was, then the two can possibly pull off a friendship, but the likelihood is well, unlikely. Additionally, if either person formerly involved in the relationship, currently has a significant other, seldom is any type of relationship with an ex appropriate because of the chance that someone will be insecure with the state of affairs (for lack of a better phrase).
The situation between me and another ex is a little different. To my knowledge, neither of us is actively engaged in a relationship. However, that doesn’t automatically signify friendship being in the cards. I think we can both agree to having had a very unique relationship, so for it to conclude when it did, the way it did came unexpectedly. This leads to my next example:
Buying For(e)closure
If one or both parties are still looking for closure from the way the relationship ended, the prospect of moving on as just friends can be unrealistic as well. Keep in mind: foreclosed homes come “as is.” They were lived in and when you purchase it, you’ll have to clean up the mess from the prior owner. If the previous owner couldn’t keep up with the mortgage, they most likely couldn’t keep up with repairs. You could potentially be looking at a total rehabilitation project that most aren’t willing to undertake. If the foundation isn’t strong, making renovations is pointless.
It truly depends on the state of the relationship while it was in play and how it ended. The best way to determine if you can maintain a friendship with an ex is to measure the dynamic, both romantic and platonic, the storms it weathered and if, after the storm, the foundation stayed intact. Whatever you do, don’t force it. Remember: reason, season, lifetime. And next time a potential relationship presents itself, make it a point to build a friendship first.
Good luck! Live.Love.Learn...and then repeat!
Not working out?
Song For Thought: We Can’t Be Friends, Deborah Cox & R.L.
Want to start your next relationship on a friendly turf?
Song for thought: "Step Further," Sol Edler (3rd song on playlist)
Thursday, April 23, 2009
5 Reasons Being Single Sucks Even More Than You Thought
By Dan Seitz
Cracked.com
February 12, 2009
There's a lot to love about being single. You save money on Valentine's Day gifts, you get to meet new and interesting people and sometimes you even get to have sex with them.
But it's not all knocking boots and freedom. There are some aspects of single life that might, in fact, be seen as less than desirable. And then there are these five facts that will make you wish you got married in high school...
#5.You Get Paid Less
Single People Tell Themselves:
Of course my married co-workers take home a little more scratch than me! They tend to be older and lamer, and most corporate pay-scales are directly tied to how old and lame you are.
The Truth:
You've got one part right: Your married co-workers take home more money. Just how much you're getting cornholed depends on who you ask, but a recent study pegged it at about 27 percent.
But it's not just age. The above study was based on identical twins where the bachelor was just as educated as his married dopelganger. In fact, even if you and a married man do the same job at the same level of competence for the same number of years, the guy with the ring takes home more than you.
There are a couple of possible explanations for this and, contrary to what you might want to believe, none of them involve your boss being jealous of your electrifying sex life. The explanation married guys are most likely to cite is a little old fashioned elbow grease. It's hard not to hustle when the option behind door number two is "let your wife and kids starve to death." Meanwhile, single guys are more likely to take a sick day to sleep off an especially bad hangover, or quit a great job because the nachos in the cafeteria suck.
And even if you’re married co-worker is the slap dick and you're the responsible one, the perception still may not change. From your boss's perspective, that guy's money is going toward feeding his kids. Yours could be going toward any number of illicit activities he's vaguely aware of. One of those sex parties he's seen on those HBO documentaries, perhaps.
#4.You Work More
Single People Tell Themselves:
In an unprecedented act of kindness, American corporations decided their employees were working too hard and began enforcing something called "work/life balance." Of course they had their selfish reasons. A happier employee will do better work, and get sick less. But who cares? Less work means more time for us single folk to go out and have indiscriminate sex with one another, right?
The Truth:
If you're single, work/life balance is yet another way for the world to punish you for being unloved. One way the "balance" is enforced is the Family and Medical Leave Act, which gives any employee the right to take time off if a spouse, child or parent gets sick.
But what if you're struggling to save up enough money for a ring for your girlfriend of seven years when she gets hit by a bus? According to work/life balance, you'd better have some vacation time saved up. Otherwise, you're just going to have to learn to weep a little quieter, because you're sort of bumming out the rest of the folks in Accounts Receivable.
There's also the unofficial considerations. Married employees simply have more legitimate excuses to ask for time off: a kid's birthday party, an anniversary dinner, Christmas. Yes, single people are more likely to be asked to work on holidays. The logic goes: You're single, you don't have a wife or kids, what could you possibly have to do? It doesn't matter if you were planning to spend the day delivering presents to sick children. Someone's got to pick up the slack for the married guy who keeps taking time off to attend his daughter's dance recital.
But don't worry too much about vacation time. Thanks to something called per person double occupancy (PPDO), you wouldn't be able to go on good vacations anyways. Essentially, hotels, cruise lines, pretty much anything that isn't a plane or a train, is designed and priced for couples. The travel industry wants as many people as possible roaming the streets in a capitalist frenzy. The more people they can pack into a hotel or a cruise ship, the happier they are. If that means punishing you for being unloved, so be it. Maybe you'll learn not to be so lonely next time.
#3.The Government Hates You
Single People Tell Themselves:
The tax code has something called the "marriage penalty," which is supposed to make married couples pay more. See? Uncle Sam remembers what it was like to be a squirrel trying to get a nut.
The Truth:
Actually, 51 percent of married couples get a tax bonus, and it can be up to $1300 a freaking year. Just enough for your co-worker to take his wife on that Hawaiian vacation while you do all his work.
The benefit comes if there's an income disparity; i.e. one partner is making more than the other. If they're pulling in the mad bucks and their spouse is working a part time job, or just a full-time job that sucks, they wind up paying less. You're stuck with the full tab.
To add a little salt to the hemorrhaging wound in your bank account, married couples can choose to file jointly or separately. So they have plenty of wiggle room to get the lowest taxes possible. So basically, instead of getting a tax break, you're doing the equivalent of buying another wedding gift for all the happily married couples you know every April 14th.
And if you think the government's a dick to private citizens around tax time, you should try fighting wars for them. You might expect the military to pay people who get shot at pretty well, regardless of whether or not they're married. But in fact, a soldier with a ring on their finger is entitled to an extra $250 a month based on a piece of legislation left over from WWI called Family Separation Allowance. They also get an increased housing allowance, which is untaxed money. So basically, married soldiers get bigger houses and enough money to install a jacuzzi in the backyard. But hey, at least you single folks get to play the field in Iraq.
#2. People Hate You
Single People Tell Themselves:
Fine, so I'm poor, over-worked and my government hates me. So what? That doesn't mean I should rush into anything. Only fools rush in! Elvis said that, and he was practically a genius. It's not like I should shack up with the next biologically viable human being I pass on the street, right? Right?
The Truth:
Rutgers University did a study that gathered empirical data of social stigma associated with being single and, well ... it's not pretty. Single men were viewed as being stupid and dishonest, and single women were more likely to be harassed and treated badly at restaurants. In fact, the study yielded so much material, that report we linked up there runs 58 freaking pages.
Even with the divorce rate hovering around 50 percent, marriage is still considered the norm. And if you're single for too long, there's a chance you'll stay that way.
Time spent single is a lot like time spent in the bathroom. It's the most natural thing in the world, until you're there just a moment too long. But once you hit that point, there's no turning back. People start to wonder what's wrong with you. Gross images start popping into their heads. The next time they see you, you might smell a little funny to them. But hey, look on the bright side, at least nothing's actually wrong with you, right?
#1.You Are Going to Die Soon
Single People Tell Themselves:
Well, at least I have my health...
The Truth:
We'd hate to send the message that you single folks are all alone in this world, with nobody to rely on but yourself ... since you can't even rely on yourself, really. See, even your body hates you for being single.
Opinions vary on why single people are more likely to get sick and die. Some think it's because marriage offers moral support to get through the tough times. Others think it's just that a spouse is more likely to nag you into going to the doctor. Of course those are things you can counteract without getting married. Just buy a dog and schedule regular medical checkups, right?
But that won't change the fact that married people have a better immune systems than you. They don't have to be happily married. Even divorced people are better at fighting off illness. It's like marriage is an all purpose vaccination that never wears off.
You'd think the health care system would be designed to accommodate all the strange and fascinating diseases you single folks have waiting in your future. But married people get the better of that too, often choosing between two subsidized plans, and paying less per person. In fact, they get such a good deal that people literally get married just to get on their partner's health plan. While this might sound pathetic to you now, it will sound a lot more reasonable when you realize that the grapefruit sized lump on your neck isn't going to remove itself. If it does remove itself, you're probably going to have to go to the ER and get that shit stitched up.
But hey, happy Valentine's Day single people! You might want to hang onto all that money you're saving on gifts.
Cracked.com
February 12, 2009
There's a lot to love about being single. You save money on Valentine's Day gifts, you get to meet new and interesting people and sometimes you even get to have sex with them.
But it's not all knocking boots and freedom. There are some aspects of single life that might, in fact, be seen as less than desirable. And then there are these five facts that will make you wish you got married in high school...
#5.You Get Paid Less
Single People Tell Themselves:
Of course my married co-workers take home a little more scratch than me! They tend to be older and lamer, and most corporate pay-scales are directly tied to how old and lame you are.
The Truth:
You've got one part right: Your married co-workers take home more money. Just how much you're getting cornholed depends on who you ask, but a recent study pegged it at about 27 percent.
But it's not just age. The above study was based on identical twins where the bachelor was just as educated as his married dopelganger. In fact, even if you and a married man do the same job at the same level of competence for the same number of years, the guy with the ring takes home more than you.
There are a couple of possible explanations for this and, contrary to what you might want to believe, none of them involve your boss being jealous of your electrifying sex life. The explanation married guys are most likely to cite is a little old fashioned elbow grease. It's hard not to hustle when the option behind door number two is "let your wife and kids starve to death." Meanwhile, single guys are more likely to take a sick day to sleep off an especially bad hangover, or quit a great job because the nachos in the cafeteria suck.
And even if you’re married co-worker is the slap dick and you're the responsible one, the perception still may not change. From your boss's perspective, that guy's money is going toward feeding his kids. Yours could be going toward any number of illicit activities he's vaguely aware of. One of those sex parties he's seen on those HBO documentaries, perhaps.
#4.You Work More
Single People Tell Themselves:
In an unprecedented act of kindness, American corporations decided their employees were working too hard and began enforcing something called "work/life balance." Of course they had their selfish reasons. A happier employee will do better work, and get sick less. But who cares? Less work means more time for us single folk to go out and have indiscriminate sex with one another, right?
The Truth:
If you're single, work/life balance is yet another way for the world to punish you for being unloved. One way the "balance" is enforced is the Family and Medical Leave Act, which gives any employee the right to take time off if a spouse, child or parent gets sick.
But what if you're struggling to save up enough money for a ring for your girlfriend of seven years when she gets hit by a bus? According to work/life balance, you'd better have some vacation time saved up. Otherwise, you're just going to have to learn to weep a little quieter, because you're sort of bumming out the rest of the folks in Accounts Receivable.
There's also the unofficial considerations. Married employees simply have more legitimate excuses to ask for time off: a kid's birthday party, an anniversary dinner, Christmas. Yes, single people are more likely to be asked to work on holidays. The logic goes: You're single, you don't have a wife or kids, what could you possibly have to do? It doesn't matter if you were planning to spend the day delivering presents to sick children. Someone's got to pick up the slack for the married guy who keeps taking time off to attend his daughter's dance recital.
But don't worry too much about vacation time. Thanks to something called per person double occupancy (PPDO), you wouldn't be able to go on good vacations anyways. Essentially, hotels, cruise lines, pretty much anything that isn't a plane or a train, is designed and priced for couples. The travel industry wants as many people as possible roaming the streets in a capitalist frenzy. The more people they can pack into a hotel or a cruise ship, the happier they are. If that means punishing you for being unloved, so be it. Maybe you'll learn not to be so lonely next time.
#3.The Government Hates You
Single People Tell Themselves:
The tax code has something called the "marriage penalty," which is supposed to make married couples pay more. See? Uncle Sam remembers what it was like to be a squirrel trying to get a nut.
The Truth:
Actually, 51 percent of married couples get a tax bonus, and it can be up to $1300 a freaking year. Just enough for your co-worker to take his wife on that Hawaiian vacation while you do all his work.
The benefit comes if there's an income disparity; i.e. one partner is making more than the other. If they're pulling in the mad bucks and their spouse is working a part time job, or just a full-time job that sucks, they wind up paying less. You're stuck with the full tab.
To add a little salt to the hemorrhaging wound in your bank account, married couples can choose to file jointly or separately. So they have plenty of wiggle room to get the lowest taxes possible. So basically, instead of getting a tax break, you're doing the equivalent of buying another wedding gift for all the happily married couples you know every April 14th.
And if you think the government's a dick to private citizens around tax time, you should try fighting wars for them. You might expect the military to pay people who get shot at pretty well, regardless of whether or not they're married. But in fact, a soldier with a ring on their finger is entitled to an extra $250 a month based on a piece of legislation left over from WWI called Family Separation Allowance. They also get an increased housing allowance, which is untaxed money. So basically, married soldiers get bigger houses and enough money to install a jacuzzi in the backyard. But hey, at least you single folks get to play the field in Iraq.
#2. People Hate You
Single People Tell Themselves:
Fine, so I'm poor, over-worked and my government hates me. So what? That doesn't mean I should rush into anything. Only fools rush in! Elvis said that, and he was practically a genius. It's not like I should shack up with the next biologically viable human being I pass on the street, right? Right?
The Truth:
Rutgers University did a study that gathered empirical data of social stigma associated with being single and, well ... it's not pretty. Single men were viewed as being stupid and dishonest, and single women were more likely to be harassed and treated badly at restaurants. In fact, the study yielded so much material, that report we linked up there runs 58 freaking pages.
Even with the divorce rate hovering around 50 percent, marriage is still considered the norm. And if you're single for too long, there's a chance you'll stay that way.
Time spent single is a lot like time spent in the bathroom. It's the most natural thing in the world, until you're there just a moment too long. But once you hit that point, there's no turning back. People start to wonder what's wrong with you. Gross images start popping into their heads. The next time they see you, you might smell a little funny to them. But hey, look on the bright side, at least nothing's actually wrong with you, right?
#1.You Are Going to Die Soon
Single People Tell Themselves:
Well, at least I have my health...
The Truth:
We'd hate to send the message that you single folks are all alone in this world, with nobody to rely on but yourself ... since you can't even rely on yourself, really. See, even your body hates you for being single.
Opinions vary on why single people are more likely to get sick and die. Some think it's because marriage offers moral support to get through the tough times. Others think it's just that a spouse is more likely to nag you into going to the doctor. Of course those are things you can counteract without getting married. Just buy a dog and schedule regular medical checkups, right?
But that won't change the fact that married people have a better immune systems than you. They don't have to be happily married. Even divorced people are better at fighting off illness. It's like marriage is an all purpose vaccination that never wears off.
You'd think the health care system would be designed to accommodate all the strange and fascinating diseases you single folks have waiting in your future. But married people get the better of that too, often choosing between two subsidized plans, and paying less per person. In fact, they get such a good deal that people literally get married just to get on their partner's health plan. While this might sound pathetic to you now, it will sound a lot more reasonable when you realize that the grapefruit sized lump on your neck isn't going to remove itself. If it does remove itself, you're probably going to have to go to the ER and get that shit stitched up.
But hey, happy Valentine's Day single people! You might want to hang onto all that money you're saving on gifts.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
March Madness
As much as I enjoy basketball, I usually don’t get the chance to follow it like I want because seldom do I have an opportunity to sit still for more than an hour at a time. So, when the NCAA Championships come around and it’s time to fill out my bracket, I analyze all the seeds by rank, historic wins and losses and the strengths and weaknesses of the starting lineup. And sometimes, when I get midway through, I get lazy and just start to guess. Occasionally, I give the win to the underdog, while other times it just makes sense to hand them the upset considering the odds. I can only imagine what it’s like to be in charge of drafting the players. If you think analyzing 65 teams is rough, can you envision what it must take to analyze hundreds of players around the country? Majorly overwhelming. How do you know you’re not picking the wrong players, overlooking the right ones? I would assume it kind of takes the fun out of scouting at times.
I was reading through my friends’ Facebook statuses this morning when I came across this one: “This dating game is not a game anymore.” It was actually written by a guy! It made me laugh in agreement and then I got to thinking about how the dating dynamics have shifted.
I’m single (as if you didn’t already know). In every situation in which I was involved on some version/level of seriousness with a guy that resulted in termination, it was my choice. Now, in one or two instances, their intentional actions may have forced me to make that decision because (as emphasized in the last blog post) at times, were too apprehensive to just tell the person. But ultimately, it was my decision. I’m not saying I’m the bomb, although I am (smile), it’s just that for one reason or another it wasn’t working out and I either didn’t see the point in fighting for it, or there was no fight left in me, so I called it quits. Whatever the cause, I'd always get the universal response from others when I broke the news, “Oh well, it’s his loss.” Well, that phrase is beginning to frustrate me. In this dating game, at what point does “he” get tired of losing?
I am more than aware that, in line with my previous basketball analogies to dating, women are the coaches of their team and are in control of who they recruit and for which position. However, what I have a hard time accepting is that a guy can recruit me for his lineup as well and sometimes he’ll choose me to play a position that doesn’t highlight my strengths, adding little value to his team. In turn, I don’t play to my full potential and depending upon what position I’ve given him, I can go one of two routes: shine on every other player on his team to get the coach’s attention or request to be traded.
I’m stubborn (not always…but, I think it can come out in us all), so sometimes I feel like I don’t need to prove myself to any guy and therefore, have no problem leaving him with the loss. As far as I’m concerned, no one else on his team can perform like I can, so if he doesn’t want to start me, I’ll watch him lose…as a spectator. My mom claims I have absolutely no staying power because lately, my first reaction has been to walk. But as I see it, I’ve played enough games and I’m saving us both time.
Generally, as a result, the unfortunate occurs. He realizes he’s losing without me and wants me back on his team. Only this time, he wants me to play the position I was cut out for all along. And more often than not, by this time, I’ve found no need to be such an asset. While it’s always nice to be wanted, that doesn’t negate the fact that it’s completely irritating to be an afterthought!
So, I offer you a word of advice from one of my trusted advisors:
Be certain that the guy you’ve recruited to play on your team has a similar understanding as to your role on his. If you sit on this guy's bench, while he is a star player in your game, disaster is right around the corner.
In layman’s terms, “Don’t make someone a priority that only makes you an option.” Now, how you articulate those respective roles without scaring/scarring the other person is the tricky part. By nature, I always resort to sarcasm. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. You don’t have to tell them you’re looking for a husband, but a simple, "I'm not looking for a booty call" type of comment should send him the message to either remove you from his list of potentially easy “scores” or respectfully trade you so that his attempt doesn’t result in a technical foul.
Live.Love.Learn…and then repeat!
I was reading through my friends’ Facebook statuses this morning when I came across this one: “This dating game is not a game anymore.” It was actually written by a guy! It made me laugh in agreement and then I got to thinking about how the dating dynamics have shifted.
I’m single (as if you didn’t already know). In every situation in which I was involved on some version/level of seriousness with a guy that resulted in termination, it was my choice. Now, in one or two instances, their intentional actions may have forced me to make that decision because (as emphasized in the last blog post) at times, were too apprehensive to just tell the person. But ultimately, it was my decision. I’m not saying I’m the bomb, although I am (smile), it’s just that for one reason or another it wasn’t working out and I either didn’t see the point in fighting for it, or there was no fight left in me, so I called it quits. Whatever the cause, I'd always get the universal response from others when I broke the news, “Oh well, it’s his loss.” Well, that phrase is beginning to frustrate me. In this dating game, at what point does “he” get tired of losing?
I am more than aware that, in line with my previous basketball analogies to dating, women are the coaches of their team and are in control of who they recruit and for which position. However, what I have a hard time accepting is that a guy can recruit me for his lineup as well and sometimes he’ll choose me to play a position that doesn’t highlight my strengths, adding little value to his team. In turn, I don’t play to my full potential and depending upon what position I’ve given him, I can go one of two routes: shine on every other player on his team to get the coach’s attention or request to be traded.
I’m stubborn (not always…but, I think it can come out in us all), so sometimes I feel like I don’t need to prove myself to any guy and therefore, have no problem leaving him with the loss. As far as I’m concerned, no one else on his team can perform like I can, so if he doesn’t want to start me, I’ll watch him lose…as a spectator. My mom claims I have absolutely no staying power because lately, my first reaction has been to walk. But as I see it, I’ve played enough games and I’m saving us both time.
Generally, as a result, the unfortunate occurs. He realizes he’s losing without me and wants me back on his team. Only this time, he wants me to play the position I was cut out for all along. And more often than not, by this time, I’ve found no need to be such an asset. While it’s always nice to be wanted, that doesn’t negate the fact that it’s completely irritating to be an afterthought!
So, I offer you a word of advice from one of my trusted advisors:
Be certain that the guy you’ve recruited to play on your team has a similar understanding as to your role on his. If you sit on this guy's bench, while he is a star player in your game, disaster is right around the corner.
In layman’s terms, “Don’t make someone a priority that only makes you an option.” Now, how you articulate those respective roles without scaring/scarring the other person is the tricky part. By nature, I always resort to sarcasm. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. You don’t have to tell them you’re looking for a husband, but a simple, "I'm not looking for a booty call" type of comment should send him the message to either remove you from his list of potentially easy “scores” or respectfully trade you so that his attempt doesn’t result in a technical foul.
Live.Love.Learn…and then repeat!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
She's Just Not That Into You
In the post, “Good Guys Finish Last…but they do finish!” I challenged women to date outside the box. But, I may need to retract my statement, or at least make an addendum. It took me a while to understand, but because of recent circumstances, it has become even clearer to me that sometimes, you just can't force something that's not initially there.
WARNING: Do not confuse Mr. Nice with Mr. Right. If you already know “it’s” not there, don’t stick around thinking “it” will show up just because he’s a nice guy.
I briefly dated a divorcé. When I inquired about his reasons for divorce, he simple stated that although she was a nice woman, a doctor, smart and sophisticated, he wasn't physically attracted to her. At first, I thought it was such a shallow response, but now I think a little differently. His “it” was physical attraction.
One of my best friends found herself in a similar predicament and it went like this:
There was a guy with whom she went to high school. They shared a few mutual friends, but she didn’t recall ever speaking to him. She remembered him being quiet and a tad corny. So when he offered to take out her out and welcome her to the area in which she recently moved, she wasn’t expecting anything more than a few drinks accompanied by boring "catch up" conversation. What she didn’t anticipate was to have great discussion accompanied by non-stop laughter. While he wasn't the type of guy she’s typically attracted to, he was a nice guy who made her laugh so she figured she'd give him a try and agreed to hang out with him again.
After their third time hanging out, he tried to make a move by kissing her and at that moment she realized she wasn't interested in moving beyond friends. There was no physical attraction, so his decision to go in for the kiss repulsed her. Although he possessed the fundamentals: same religious beliefs, sense of humor, dignity and respect, that alone wasn't enough to make Mr. Nice her Mr. Right. She could have forced herself to like him as more than a friend, but inside, she wouldn't necessarily be satisfied. Who knows, she could end up like my divorcé; out one night, having bumped into someone to whom she is more attracted and not having the self-restraint to maintain fidelity. She knew she had to tell him, but how? After strongly considering lying, she told him the sugar-coated truth: he was a great guy whom she enjoyed hanging out with, but she was only interested in being friends. He seemed to be cool with that. Whether or not he still has hope for more is a different topic.
I was headed to work one morning, waiting for the train, when a guy walked up to me with a big grin on his face. At first, I thought he might’ve known me the way he approached me. That’s how familiar and confident he was. He started a conversation and when the train came, he sat down beside me. Great. Right before getting to his stop, he asked if we could exchange numbers. I wasn’t interested, but because he was a nice guy, I handed him my business card instead. First mistake!
I had no idea how to tell this man I wasn't interested, but I figured a few ignored calls would do the trick. Just kidding! When I finally decided to call him back, the conversation was decent so I decided that I would give him a chance and agreed to meet him for a drink after work. Yes, I chickened out. Second mistake. Right before I left the office, I got a text from him. There was a change of plans. Instead of going out for a drink, he wanted to rent movies and order pizza (the nerve)! I took it as my cue and finally told him, “I’m sorry, but don’t want to lead you on. I’m just not that interested. Take care.” Unfortunately, that didn’t sit well with him because I got four text messages telling me EXACTLY what he thought of me. You'd think we'd been dating for weeks, that he'd spent money wining and dining me. Some of you may think that, because I drug my feet, I deserved it. If I cared, I’d beg to differ.
We've all been there. We're walking down the street and a guy yells out for us to give him the time of day and when we say no, however we convey it, he replies rudely to our deny.
I do realize that no one likes rejection, men and women alike. But let’s face it, rejection is a bigger blow to a man’s ego than a woman’s. For this reason, women must be mindful that how he responds most times depends on how she breaks the news and when. Why should we care about his feelings? We shouldn’t. Men who aren't interested in us FOR SURE don’t care about how we feel (most men anyway). But the point is, we’re women: caring individuals. We’ll spend more time trying to figure out how to spare his feelings, while failing to realize the more time we take, the more damage we're doing.
I don’t think you have to apologize for not being interested; you just need to tell him promptly and in a way that doesn’t hurt his ego. You may possibly salvage what could potentially be a good friendship or, at best, keeping a future encounter as peaceful as possible. The fact that we put this much thought into breaking up with someone we were never with is a headache in itself, but karma is real so keep in mind that the man of your dreams may not feel the same about you. Let others down the way you would "want" to be let down. You could always have the "it's not you, it's me" talk or you could blame it on not being completely over your ex. But instead of lying, as SOON as you realize that you're just not that into him, say so, NICELY.
WARNING: Do not confuse Mr. Nice with Mr. Right. If you already know “it’s” not there, don’t stick around thinking “it” will show up just because he’s a nice guy.
I briefly dated a divorcé. When I inquired about his reasons for divorce, he simple stated that although she was a nice woman, a doctor, smart and sophisticated, he wasn't physically attracted to her. At first, I thought it was such a shallow response, but now I think a little differently. His “it” was physical attraction.
One of my best friends found herself in a similar predicament and it went like this:
There was a guy with whom she went to high school. They shared a few mutual friends, but she didn’t recall ever speaking to him. She remembered him being quiet and a tad corny. So when he offered to take out her out and welcome her to the area in which she recently moved, she wasn’t expecting anything more than a few drinks accompanied by boring "catch up" conversation. What she didn’t anticipate was to have great discussion accompanied by non-stop laughter. While he wasn't the type of guy she’s typically attracted to, he was a nice guy who made her laugh so she figured she'd give him a try and agreed to hang out with him again.
After their third time hanging out, he tried to make a move by kissing her and at that moment she realized she wasn't interested in moving beyond friends. There was no physical attraction, so his decision to go in for the kiss repulsed her. Although he possessed the fundamentals: same religious beliefs, sense of humor, dignity and respect, that alone wasn't enough to make Mr. Nice her Mr. Right. She could have forced herself to like him as more than a friend, but inside, she wouldn't necessarily be satisfied. Who knows, she could end up like my divorcé; out one night, having bumped into someone to whom she is more attracted and not having the self-restraint to maintain fidelity. She knew she had to tell him, but how? After strongly considering lying, she told him the sugar-coated truth: he was a great guy whom she enjoyed hanging out with, but she was only interested in being friends. He seemed to be cool with that. Whether or not he still has hope for more is a different topic.
I was headed to work one morning, waiting for the train, when a guy walked up to me with a big grin on his face. At first, I thought he might’ve known me the way he approached me. That’s how familiar and confident he was. He started a conversation and when the train came, he sat down beside me. Great. Right before getting to his stop, he asked if we could exchange numbers. I wasn’t interested, but because he was a nice guy, I handed him my business card instead. First mistake!
I had no idea how to tell this man I wasn't interested, but I figured a few ignored calls would do the trick. Just kidding! When I finally decided to call him back, the conversation was decent so I decided that I would give him a chance and agreed to meet him for a drink after work. Yes, I chickened out. Second mistake. Right before I left the office, I got a text from him. There was a change of plans. Instead of going out for a drink, he wanted to rent movies and order pizza (the nerve)! I took it as my cue and finally told him, “I’m sorry, but don’t want to lead you on. I’m just not that interested. Take care.” Unfortunately, that didn’t sit well with him because I got four text messages telling me EXACTLY what he thought of me. You'd think we'd been dating for weeks, that he'd spent money wining and dining me. Some of you may think that, because I drug my feet, I deserved it. If I cared, I’d beg to differ.
We've all been there. We're walking down the street and a guy yells out for us to give him the time of day and when we say no, however we convey it, he replies rudely to our deny.
I do realize that no one likes rejection, men and women alike. But let’s face it, rejection is a bigger blow to a man’s ego than a woman’s. For this reason, women must be mindful that how he responds most times depends on how she breaks the news and when. Why should we care about his feelings? We shouldn’t. Men who aren't interested in us FOR SURE don’t care about how we feel (most men anyway). But the point is, we’re women: caring individuals. We’ll spend more time trying to figure out how to spare his feelings, while failing to realize the more time we take, the more damage we're doing.
I don’t think you have to apologize for not being interested; you just need to tell him promptly and in a way that doesn’t hurt his ego. You may possibly salvage what could potentially be a good friendship or, at best, keeping a future encounter as peaceful as possible. The fact that we put this much thought into breaking up with someone we were never with is a headache in itself, but karma is real so keep in mind that the man of your dreams may not feel the same about you. Let others down the way you would "want" to be let down. You could always have the "it's not you, it's me" talk or you could blame it on not being completely over your ex. But instead of lying, as SOON as you realize that you're just not that into him, say so, NICELY.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
HETOX
The holidays can sometimes beckon an unwarranted encounter from the one to whom you used to belong. With Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Eve all lumped together, and Valentine’s Day following closely behind, there’s something about the holiday season that awakens the “Ghost of Relationships Past” and sparks the sentiment of even the coldest heart.
I have four female friends that had four totally different relationships come to an end. However, as of late, these four friends still hadn’t found closure from their failed relationships and they allowed it to haunt them. It’s mainly because they’re still falling victim to the old, but faithful male tactic of “keeping it warm.” Every time you think you’ve gotten him completely out of your system, he pops up out of the blue, and you’ve fallen back into distress.
Sometimes it hard to help someone who doesn’t realize they need it, so I referred them all to a book titled, It’s Called a Breakup Because it’s Broken, written by Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt and Greg Behrendt, the latter of which wrote the book-turned-movie, He’s Just Not That Into You. The book details how to re-focus once a relationship is over, with tactics as drastic as going cold turkey from your ex. There’s a line that reads, “But again, it’s like trying to get sober and allowing yourself just a sip to get you through the day. Indulging in the need rather than being strong enough to overcome it will keep you both addicted to your ex and immobile, stuck in your breakup angst.” The authors suggest going on a 30-day detox or “hetox” from the ex, which includes no communication of any kind with that person and certainly no “accidental” encounters. The purpose is to release the past in order to clear a path for the future.
With the end of one year and the beginning of another, it seemed to be a perfect time to suggest that each friend to go on this “hetox” challenge and write a weekly journal entry on their experience. Here’s what was revealed.
Lady A’s story:
After devoting four years of my life to _______ I had become completely engrossed in who he was, what he wanted and supporting his dream that I forgot who I was, what I wanted and even how to dream for myself. When our relationship went sour I realized he never took the time to really appreciate or know me. I found myself completely lost and grasping at straws to somehow maintain a connection to him that would validate me.
WEEK 1:
I am happy to announce that week one had no slip ups. Now, if only I could get rid of the constant "good times replay" from my memory bank, this should be a piece of cake. Hoping for selective amnesia…
WEEK 2:
How long have I been doing this again? I think about a week. The fact that I can't remember is a good sign, as is the fact that the rotation on my iPod has morphed from melodramatic to celebratory. So far, so good. What's harder than not thinking about _______ is that I am now forced to examine myself and my choices and deal with what I find... still working on that.
WEEK 3:
Is it considered cheating if someone tricks u into talking to them?
WEEK 4:
I don't think I need this week. I'm starting to self-purge the loser. Your body can only handle so many toxins and this week I choose chocolate over his a#* Detox is really about power. I needed detox because it provided a great way for me to learn who I am and how I live independent or completely void of knowing, seeing or learning about him. Reclaiming your ability to control how u let others access your life, how u feel and what you do. It’s too easy to fall into emotionally destructive patterns regarding the 'ex' detox just let's you step back, survey the scene and realize that you don't need contact from him to determine your mood. Detox is about reclaiming your life. I hope I've taken a step in that direction.
--------------------------------
Lady B’s story:
When things were good, they were great, but despite what he said, I always felt there was something below the surface that I didn’t have access to...his heart. There was nothing I could do or say to get him to open up to me. That was, until we broke up. It was then that he revealed what all but rocked my world. I was left speechless and I guess he was too because I haven’t heard from him since. All I got was a shameless apology with no explanation and a feeling like I still deserve more than what he’s given. I’ve forgiven him, but it’s too fresh to forget. That was 2 ½ months ago…
WEEK 1:
He must have a sixth sense because it’s day three of hetox and NOW he decides to contact me. I haven’t responded because there’s no need. He hasn’t shown any signs of remorse for what he did, so why should I care?
WEEK 2:
I had a relapse while reminiscing on the good times. When I caught myself, it made me upset and I felt like the situation had power over me once again. So, instead of sulking, I went out with my closest friends and celebrated what love really feels like!
WEEK 3:
I’ve had other things/people to preoccupy my thoughts/time. The first of those being ME! I’m ready to check out.
WEEK 4:
This detox was good for me. We had a brief conversation for the first time this week, but not about us, so maybe that’s not considered totally breaking the rules. After our talk, I realized that he’s not my enemy, but we’re far from being friends anytime soon and I’m perfectly okay with accepting that.
--------------------------------
Lady C’s story:
Before I entered into the detox program I had some not so nice words for the guy I dated for almost 2 years. We started to date right before I left for college, but I found out that distance doesn’t make every heart grow fonder. When I would come home from school, we were the cutest couple, but when I left, I wouldn’t hear from him at all…
WEEK 1:
The detox was not that difficult this week because I have been busy. I have come to realize that I only think about him when I am not doing anything. With school, work and the possibility of a new male interest, he has been the last thing on my mind. I know it’s not good to open a new door until you close the old door, but a wise woman once told me that sometimes the only way to get over your ex is to get under another (I hope not in the literal sense, as I am not sexually active)!
WEEK 2:
He still has an effect on me, and at a very weak moment, I did call him from a blocked number so he didn’t know it was me. He did not answer (THANK GOD!) and immediately afterwards, I regretted calling. The true test will be going home for the holidays because I know he will probably try to get in contact with me. My newest male interest is about to be sidelined because his actions are inconsistent and I’m noticing a trend.
WEEK 3:
I feel that this detox might not work because I haven’t found a stable someone to get under yet, making it hard to get over my ex. I saw him over the holidays and the attraction is still there, but again, he let me down and I’m back to square one.
WEEK 4:
There’s still times when I think about him, but not like before. I do not deserve the rollercoaster ride he puts me on so I’ve decided not to go anywhere near his amusement park.
--------------------------------
Lady D’s story:
We used to be engaged, yet while I was engaged in him and the next phase of our relationship; he was engaged in other things. As afraid as I was to start over, I left him. We remained in touch for some time before we decided to try at it again. Well, the time had changed, but he had not and I was disappointed all over again. I just wanted him to stop lying to me, but I kept answering the phone…
WEEK 1:
I swore to myself that I would move on this time. That I wouldn't dwell on what was, what could have been, or blame myself for how it ended. The fact is he really wanted out and all he needed was a reason. After five years of up-and-down, in-and-out, it became comfortable. Comfort is good, right? Wrong. Comfort is good if you're scared of the unknown and scared of who you are without the other person. But is it worth how I feel and what I deserve? I swear that answer is “no.”
WEEK 2:
I am ready to change my thinking. I am ready to believe that I am worthy of something wonderful... of someone wonderful. And why shouldn't I have that something or someone? Even if the last one had me feeling like I was only worth the bare minimum. I see that from my students too. They feel like taking my class is a necessary evil that they only need to do the least required of them to get through it. But what's the fun in that? Why not push yourself to the limit to get that 'A' that seems so out of reach? That's what good relationships are: the 'A.’ I am so used to being the "passing grade" that I don't think that I would know an 'A' if it walked up and smacked me on the ass... But I have to be hopeful that that one day someone wonderful will think that I am the class that he wants to get an 'A' in.
WEEK 3:
Okay, so I know that I should stay positive, right. I'm supposed to take all my relationships with men - good, bad, and indifferent - and learn from them. Well, with this last one, I am not sure what I am supposed to know... LOL!! Along with learning things, I also should not let whatever bad experiences that last relationship brought make me sour on finding love and positivity in the next one. I should continue with an open mind and not let the bad stuff get to me. But a wall has been built around every part of me: a wall made with suspicion, doubt, neuroticism and the need to prove how worthy I am of whatever goodness may come. It's something I have to overcome every time. In the spirit of the holiday season, I am throwing away all that negativity. I will not let it get to me, and potentially ruin what could turn out to be a great thing... Dear Lord, give me the strength to move away from these negative feelings and embrace the positivity that I deserve; help me know I am worthy of the love and respect I desire. And please give me the courage to open up my heart and mind to someone who really, really loves me.
WEEK 4:
When people say "anything worth having is worth working for,” does it apply to relationships? Say, for instance, I worked hard for a relationship of mine. Pretend that I put forth all this effort - conceded every compromise, extended every olive branch and rationalized every flaw - does it make the relationship worth it? Should I believe that I didn't work hard enough because the relationship didn't work? Now I have NEVER been afraid of a little elbow grease, but I will be damned if anyone can look straight into my almond eyes and tell me that I haven't worked hard for my last relationship. A very good man told me once that every partnership works when one gives a little more than the other: 60/40, 55/45, but almost never 50/50. My last one was about 85/15. Guess what part I was? And it wasn't even worth it.
Song for thought: "Finally," Brandy
I have four female friends that had four totally different relationships come to an end. However, as of late, these four friends still hadn’t found closure from their failed relationships and they allowed it to haunt them. It’s mainly because they’re still falling victim to the old, but faithful male tactic of “keeping it warm.” Every time you think you’ve gotten him completely out of your system, he pops up out of the blue, and you’ve fallen back into distress.
Sometimes it hard to help someone who doesn’t realize they need it, so I referred them all to a book titled, It’s Called a Breakup Because it’s Broken, written by Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt and Greg Behrendt, the latter of which wrote the book-turned-movie, He’s Just Not That Into You. The book details how to re-focus once a relationship is over, with tactics as drastic as going cold turkey from your ex. There’s a line that reads, “But again, it’s like trying to get sober and allowing yourself just a sip to get you through the day. Indulging in the need rather than being strong enough to overcome it will keep you both addicted to your ex and immobile, stuck in your breakup angst.” The authors suggest going on a 30-day detox or “hetox” from the ex, which includes no communication of any kind with that person and certainly no “accidental” encounters. The purpose is to release the past in order to clear a path for the future.
With the end of one year and the beginning of another, it seemed to be a perfect time to suggest that each friend to go on this “hetox” challenge and write a weekly journal entry on their experience. Here’s what was revealed.
Lady A’s story:
After devoting four years of my life to _______ I had become completely engrossed in who he was, what he wanted and supporting his dream that I forgot who I was, what I wanted and even how to dream for myself. When our relationship went sour I realized he never took the time to really appreciate or know me. I found myself completely lost and grasping at straws to somehow maintain a connection to him that would validate me.
WEEK 1:
I am happy to announce that week one had no slip ups. Now, if only I could get rid of the constant "good times replay" from my memory bank, this should be a piece of cake. Hoping for selective amnesia…
WEEK 2:
How long have I been doing this again? I think about a week. The fact that I can't remember is a good sign, as is the fact that the rotation on my iPod has morphed from melodramatic to celebratory. So far, so good. What's harder than not thinking about _______ is that I am now forced to examine myself and my choices and deal with what I find... still working on that.
WEEK 3:
Is it considered cheating if someone tricks u into talking to them?
WEEK 4:
I don't think I need this week. I'm starting to self-purge the loser. Your body can only handle so many toxins and this week I choose chocolate over his a#* Detox is really about power. I needed detox because it provided a great way for me to learn who I am and how I live independent or completely void of knowing, seeing or learning about him. Reclaiming your ability to control how u let others access your life, how u feel and what you do. It’s too easy to fall into emotionally destructive patterns regarding the 'ex' detox just let's you step back, survey the scene and realize that you don't need contact from him to determine your mood. Detox is about reclaiming your life. I hope I've taken a step in that direction.
--------------------------------
Lady B’s story:
When things were good, they were great, but despite what he said, I always felt there was something below the surface that I didn’t have access to...his heart. There was nothing I could do or say to get him to open up to me. That was, until we broke up. It was then that he revealed what all but rocked my world. I was left speechless and I guess he was too because I haven’t heard from him since. All I got was a shameless apology with no explanation and a feeling like I still deserve more than what he’s given. I’ve forgiven him, but it’s too fresh to forget. That was 2 ½ months ago…
WEEK 1:
He must have a sixth sense because it’s day three of hetox and NOW he decides to contact me. I haven’t responded because there’s no need. He hasn’t shown any signs of remorse for what he did, so why should I care?
WEEK 2:
I had a relapse while reminiscing on the good times. When I caught myself, it made me upset and I felt like the situation had power over me once again. So, instead of sulking, I went out with my closest friends and celebrated what love really feels like!
WEEK 3:
I’ve had other things/people to preoccupy my thoughts/time. The first of those being ME! I’m ready to check out.
WEEK 4:
This detox was good for me. We had a brief conversation for the first time this week, but not about us, so maybe that’s not considered totally breaking the rules. After our talk, I realized that he’s not my enemy, but we’re far from being friends anytime soon and I’m perfectly okay with accepting that.
--------------------------------
Lady C’s story:
Before I entered into the detox program I had some not so nice words for the guy I dated for almost 2 years. We started to date right before I left for college, but I found out that distance doesn’t make every heart grow fonder. When I would come home from school, we were the cutest couple, but when I left, I wouldn’t hear from him at all…
WEEK 1:
The detox was not that difficult this week because I have been busy. I have come to realize that I only think about him when I am not doing anything. With school, work and the possibility of a new male interest, he has been the last thing on my mind. I know it’s not good to open a new door until you close the old door, but a wise woman once told me that sometimes the only way to get over your ex is to get under another (I hope not in the literal sense, as I am not sexually active)!
WEEK 2:
He still has an effect on me, and at a very weak moment, I did call him from a blocked number so he didn’t know it was me. He did not answer (THANK GOD!) and immediately afterwards, I regretted calling. The true test will be going home for the holidays because I know he will probably try to get in contact with me. My newest male interest is about to be sidelined because his actions are inconsistent and I’m noticing a trend.
WEEK 3:
I feel that this detox might not work because I haven’t found a stable someone to get under yet, making it hard to get over my ex. I saw him over the holidays and the attraction is still there, but again, he let me down and I’m back to square one.
WEEK 4:
There’s still times when I think about him, but not like before. I do not deserve the rollercoaster ride he puts me on so I’ve decided not to go anywhere near his amusement park.
--------------------------------
Lady D’s story:
We used to be engaged, yet while I was engaged in him and the next phase of our relationship; he was engaged in other things. As afraid as I was to start over, I left him. We remained in touch for some time before we decided to try at it again. Well, the time had changed, but he had not and I was disappointed all over again. I just wanted him to stop lying to me, but I kept answering the phone…
WEEK 1:
I swore to myself that I would move on this time. That I wouldn't dwell on what was, what could have been, or blame myself for how it ended. The fact is he really wanted out and all he needed was a reason. After five years of up-and-down, in-and-out, it became comfortable. Comfort is good, right? Wrong. Comfort is good if you're scared of the unknown and scared of who you are without the other person. But is it worth how I feel and what I deserve? I swear that answer is “no.”
WEEK 2:
I am ready to change my thinking. I am ready to believe that I am worthy of something wonderful... of someone wonderful. And why shouldn't I have that something or someone? Even if the last one had me feeling like I was only worth the bare minimum. I see that from my students too. They feel like taking my class is a necessary evil that they only need to do the least required of them to get through it. But what's the fun in that? Why not push yourself to the limit to get that 'A' that seems so out of reach? That's what good relationships are: the 'A.’ I am so used to being the "passing grade" that I don't think that I would know an 'A' if it walked up and smacked me on the ass... But I have to be hopeful that that one day someone wonderful will think that I am the class that he wants to get an 'A' in.
WEEK 3:
Okay, so I know that I should stay positive, right. I'm supposed to take all my relationships with men - good, bad, and indifferent - and learn from them. Well, with this last one, I am not sure what I am supposed to know... LOL!! Along with learning things, I also should not let whatever bad experiences that last relationship brought make me sour on finding love and positivity in the next one. I should continue with an open mind and not let the bad stuff get to me. But a wall has been built around every part of me: a wall made with suspicion, doubt, neuroticism and the need to prove how worthy I am of whatever goodness may come. It's something I have to overcome every time. In the spirit of the holiday season, I am throwing away all that negativity. I will not let it get to me, and potentially ruin what could turn out to be a great thing... Dear Lord, give me the strength to move away from these negative feelings and embrace the positivity that I deserve; help me know I am worthy of the love and respect I desire. And please give me the courage to open up my heart and mind to someone who really, really loves me.
WEEK 4:
When people say "anything worth having is worth working for,” does it apply to relationships? Say, for instance, I worked hard for a relationship of mine. Pretend that I put forth all this effort - conceded every compromise, extended every olive branch and rationalized every flaw - does it make the relationship worth it? Should I believe that I didn't work hard enough because the relationship didn't work? Now I have NEVER been afraid of a little elbow grease, but I will be damned if anyone can look straight into my almond eyes and tell me that I haven't worked hard for my last relationship. A very good man told me once that every partnership works when one gives a little more than the other: 60/40, 55/45, but almost never 50/50. My last one was about 85/15. Guess what part I was? And it wasn't even worth it.
Song for thought: "Finally," Brandy
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