In the post, “Good Guys Finish Last…but they do finish!” I challenged women to date outside the box. But, I may need to retract my statement, or at least make an addendum. It took me a while to understand, but because of recent circumstances, it has become even clearer to me that sometimes, you just can't force something that's not initially there.
WARNING: Do not confuse Mr. Nice with Mr. Right. If you already know “it’s” not there, don’t stick around thinking “it” will show up just because he’s a nice guy.
I briefly dated a divorcé. When I inquired about his reasons for divorce, he simple stated that although she was a nice woman, a doctor, smart and sophisticated, he wasn't physically attracted to her. At first, I thought it was such a shallow response, but now I think a little differently. His “it” was physical attraction.
One of my best friends found herself in a similar predicament and it went like this:
There was a guy with whom she went to high school. They shared a few mutual friends, but she didn’t recall ever speaking to him. She remembered him being quiet and a tad corny. So when he offered to take out her out and welcome her to the area in which she recently moved, she wasn’t expecting anything more than a few drinks accompanied by boring "catch up" conversation. What she didn’t anticipate was to have great discussion accompanied by non-stop laughter. While he wasn't the type of guy she’s typically attracted to, he was a nice guy who made her laugh so she figured she'd give him a try and agreed to hang out with him again.
After their third time hanging out, he tried to make a move by kissing her and at that moment she realized she wasn't interested in moving beyond friends. There was no physical attraction, so his decision to go in for the kiss repulsed her. Although he possessed the fundamentals: same religious beliefs, sense of humor, dignity and respect, that alone wasn't enough to make Mr. Nice her Mr. Right. She could have forced herself to like him as more than a friend, but inside, she wouldn't necessarily be satisfied. Who knows, she could end up like my divorcé; out one night, having bumped into someone to whom she is more attracted and not having the self-restraint to maintain fidelity. She knew she had to tell him, but how? After strongly considering lying, she told him the sugar-coated truth: he was a great guy whom she enjoyed hanging out with, but she was only interested in being friends. He seemed to be cool with that. Whether or not he still has hope for more is a different topic.
I was headed to work one morning, waiting for the train, when a guy walked up to me with a big grin on his face. At first, I thought he might’ve known me the way he approached me. That’s how familiar and confident he was. He started a conversation and when the train came, he sat down beside me. Great. Right before getting to his stop, he asked if we could exchange numbers. I wasn’t interested, but because he was a nice guy, I handed him my business card instead. First mistake!
I had no idea how to tell this man I wasn't interested, but I figured a few ignored calls would do the trick. Just kidding! When I finally decided to call him back, the conversation was decent so I decided that I would give him a chance and agreed to meet him for a drink after work. Yes, I chickened out. Second mistake. Right before I left the office, I got a text from him. There was a change of plans. Instead of going out for a drink, he wanted to rent movies and order pizza (the nerve)! I took it as my cue and finally told him, “I’m sorry, but don’t want to lead you on. I’m just not that interested. Take care.” Unfortunately, that didn’t sit well with him because I got four text messages telling me EXACTLY what he thought of me. You'd think we'd been dating for weeks, that he'd spent money wining and dining me. Some of you may think that, because I drug my feet, I deserved it. If I cared, I’d beg to differ.
We've all been there. We're walking down the street and a guy yells out for us to give him the time of day and when we say no, however we convey it, he replies rudely to our deny.
I do realize that no one likes rejection, men and women alike. But let’s face it, rejection is a bigger blow to a man’s ego than a woman’s. For this reason, women must be mindful that how he responds most times depends on how she breaks the news and when. Why should we care about his feelings? We shouldn’t. Men who aren't interested in us FOR SURE don’t care about how we feel (most men anyway). But the point is, we’re women: caring individuals. We’ll spend more time trying to figure out how to spare his feelings, while failing to realize the more time we take, the more damage we're doing.
I don’t think you have to apologize for not being interested; you just need to tell him promptly and in a way that doesn’t hurt his ego. You may possibly salvage what could potentially be a good friendship or, at best, keeping a future encounter as peaceful as possible. The fact that we put this much thought into breaking up with someone we were never with is a headache in itself, but karma is real so keep in mind that the man of your dreams may not feel the same about you. Let others down the way you would "want" to be let down. You could always have the "it's not you, it's me" talk or you could blame it on not being completely over your ex. But instead of lying, as SOON as you realize that you're just not that into him, say so, NICELY.
Showing posts with label He's Just Not That Into You. Show all posts
Showing posts with label He's Just Not That Into You. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
HETOX
The holidays can sometimes beckon an unwarranted encounter from the one to whom you used to belong. With Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Eve all lumped together, and Valentine’s Day following closely behind, there’s something about the holiday season that awakens the “Ghost of Relationships Past” and sparks the sentiment of even the coldest heart.
I have four female friends that had four totally different relationships come to an end. However, as of late, these four friends still hadn’t found closure from their failed relationships and they allowed it to haunt them. It’s mainly because they’re still falling victim to the old, but faithful male tactic of “keeping it warm.” Every time you think you’ve gotten him completely out of your system, he pops up out of the blue, and you’ve fallen back into distress.
Sometimes it hard to help someone who doesn’t realize they need it, so I referred them all to a book titled, It’s Called a Breakup Because it’s Broken, written by Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt and Greg Behrendt, the latter of which wrote the book-turned-movie, He’s Just Not That Into You. The book details how to re-focus once a relationship is over, with tactics as drastic as going cold turkey from your ex. There’s a line that reads, “But again, it’s like trying to get sober and allowing yourself just a sip to get you through the day. Indulging in the need rather than being strong enough to overcome it will keep you both addicted to your ex and immobile, stuck in your breakup angst.” The authors suggest going on a 30-day detox or “hetox” from the ex, which includes no communication of any kind with that person and certainly no “accidental” encounters. The purpose is to release the past in order to clear a path for the future.
With the end of one year and the beginning of another, it seemed to be a perfect time to suggest that each friend to go on this “hetox” challenge and write a weekly journal entry on their experience. Here’s what was revealed.
Lady A’s story:
After devoting four years of my life to _______ I had become completely engrossed in who he was, what he wanted and supporting his dream that I forgot who I was, what I wanted and even how to dream for myself. When our relationship went sour I realized he never took the time to really appreciate or know me. I found myself completely lost and grasping at straws to somehow maintain a connection to him that would validate me.
WEEK 1:
I am happy to announce that week one had no slip ups. Now, if only I could get rid of the constant "good times replay" from my memory bank, this should be a piece of cake. Hoping for selective amnesia…
WEEK 2:
How long have I been doing this again? I think about a week. The fact that I can't remember is a good sign, as is the fact that the rotation on my iPod has morphed from melodramatic to celebratory. So far, so good. What's harder than not thinking about _______ is that I am now forced to examine myself and my choices and deal with what I find... still working on that.
WEEK 3:
Is it considered cheating if someone tricks u into talking to them?
WEEK 4:
I don't think I need this week. I'm starting to self-purge the loser. Your body can only handle so many toxins and this week I choose chocolate over his a#* Detox is really about power. I needed detox because it provided a great way for me to learn who I am and how I live independent or completely void of knowing, seeing or learning about him. Reclaiming your ability to control how u let others access your life, how u feel and what you do. It’s too easy to fall into emotionally destructive patterns regarding the 'ex' detox just let's you step back, survey the scene and realize that you don't need contact from him to determine your mood. Detox is about reclaiming your life. I hope I've taken a step in that direction.
--------------------------------
Lady B’s story:
When things were good, they were great, but despite what he said, I always felt there was something below the surface that I didn’t have access to...his heart. There was nothing I could do or say to get him to open up to me. That was, until we broke up. It was then that he revealed what all but rocked my world. I was left speechless and I guess he was too because I haven’t heard from him since. All I got was a shameless apology with no explanation and a feeling like I still deserve more than what he’s given. I’ve forgiven him, but it’s too fresh to forget. That was 2 ½ months ago…
WEEK 1:
He must have a sixth sense because it’s day three of hetox and NOW he decides to contact me. I haven’t responded because there’s no need. He hasn’t shown any signs of remorse for what he did, so why should I care?
WEEK 2:
I had a relapse while reminiscing on the good times. When I caught myself, it made me upset and I felt like the situation had power over me once again. So, instead of sulking, I went out with my closest friends and celebrated what love really feels like!
WEEK 3:
I’ve had other things/people to preoccupy my thoughts/time. The first of those being ME! I’m ready to check out.
WEEK 4:
This detox was good for me. We had a brief conversation for the first time this week, but not about us, so maybe that’s not considered totally breaking the rules. After our talk, I realized that he’s not my enemy, but we’re far from being friends anytime soon and I’m perfectly okay with accepting that.
--------------------------------
Lady C’s story:
Before I entered into the detox program I had some not so nice words for the guy I dated for almost 2 years. We started to date right before I left for college, but I found out that distance doesn’t make every heart grow fonder. When I would come home from school, we were the cutest couple, but when I left, I wouldn’t hear from him at all…
WEEK 1:
The detox was not that difficult this week because I have been busy. I have come to realize that I only think about him when I am not doing anything. With school, work and the possibility of a new male interest, he has been the last thing on my mind. I know it’s not good to open a new door until you close the old door, but a wise woman once told me that sometimes the only way to get over your ex is to get under another (I hope not in the literal sense, as I am not sexually active)!
WEEK 2:
He still has an effect on me, and at a very weak moment, I did call him from a blocked number so he didn’t know it was me. He did not answer (THANK GOD!) and immediately afterwards, I regretted calling. The true test will be going home for the holidays because I know he will probably try to get in contact with me. My newest male interest is about to be sidelined because his actions are inconsistent and I’m noticing a trend.
WEEK 3:
I feel that this detox might not work because I haven’t found a stable someone to get under yet, making it hard to get over my ex. I saw him over the holidays and the attraction is still there, but again, he let me down and I’m back to square one.
WEEK 4:
There’s still times when I think about him, but not like before. I do not deserve the rollercoaster ride he puts me on so I’ve decided not to go anywhere near his amusement park.
--------------------------------
Lady D’s story:
We used to be engaged, yet while I was engaged in him and the next phase of our relationship; he was engaged in other things. As afraid as I was to start over, I left him. We remained in touch for some time before we decided to try at it again. Well, the time had changed, but he had not and I was disappointed all over again. I just wanted him to stop lying to me, but I kept answering the phone…
WEEK 1:
I swore to myself that I would move on this time. That I wouldn't dwell on what was, what could have been, or blame myself for how it ended. The fact is he really wanted out and all he needed was a reason. After five years of up-and-down, in-and-out, it became comfortable. Comfort is good, right? Wrong. Comfort is good if you're scared of the unknown and scared of who you are without the other person. But is it worth how I feel and what I deserve? I swear that answer is “no.”
WEEK 2:
I am ready to change my thinking. I am ready to believe that I am worthy of something wonderful... of someone wonderful. And why shouldn't I have that something or someone? Even if the last one had me feeling like I was only worth the bare minimum. I see that from my students too. They feel like taking my class is a necessary evil that they only need to do the least required of them to get through it. But what's the fun in that? Why not push yourself to the limit to get that 'A' that seems so out of reach? That's what good relationships are: the 'A.’ I am so used to being the "passing grade" that I don't think that I would know an 'A' if it walked up and smacked me on the ass... But I have to be hopeful that that one day someone wonderful will think that I am the class that he wants to get an 'A' in.
WEEK 3:
Okay, so I know that I should stay positive, right. I'm supposed to take all my relationships with men - good, bad, and indifferent - and learn from them. Well, with this last one, I am not sure what I am supposed to know... LOL!! Along with learning things, I also should not let whatever bad experiences that last relationship brought make me sour on finding love and positivity in the next one. I should continue with an open mind and not let the bad stuff get to me. But a wall has been built around every part of me: a wall made with suspicion, doubt, neuroticism and the need to prove how worthy I am of whatever goodness may come. It's something I have to overcome every time. In the spirit of the holiday season, I am throwing away all that negativity. I will not let it get to me, and potentially ruin what could turn out to be a great thing... Dear Lord, give me the strength to move away from these negative feelings and embrace the positivity that I deserve; help me know I am worthy of the love and respect I desire. And please give me the courage to open up my heart and mind to someone who really, really loves me.
WEEK 4:
When people say "anything worth having is worth working for,” does it apply to relationships? Say, for instance, I worked hard for a relationship of mine. Pretend that I put forth all this effort - conceded every compromise, extended every olive branch and rationalized every flaw - does it make the relationship worth it? Should I believe that I didn't work hard enough because the relationship didn't work? Now I have NEVER been afraid of a little elbow grease, but I will be damned if anyone can look straight into my almond eyes and tell me that I haven't worked hard for my last relationship. A very good man told me once that every partnership works when one gives a little more than the other: 60/40, 55/45, but almost never 50/50. My last one was about 85/15. Guess what part I was? And it wasn't even worth it.
Song for thought: "Finally," Brandy
I have four female friends that had four totally different relationships come to an end. However, as of late, these four friends still hadn’t found closure from their failed relationships and they allowed it to haunt them. It’s mainly because they’re still falling victim to the old, but faithful male tactic of “keeping it warm.” Every time you think you’ve gotten him completely out of your system, he pops up out of the blue, and you’ve fallen back into distress.
Sometimes it hard to help someone who doesn’t realize they need it, so I referred them all to a book titled, It’s Called a Breakup Because it’s Broken, written by Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt and Greg Behrendt, the latter of which wrote the book-turned-movie, He’s Just Not That Into You. The book details how to re-focus once a relationship is over, with tactics as drastic as going cold turkey from your ex. There’s a line that reads, “But again, it’s like trying to get sober and allowing yourself just a sip to get you through the day. Indulging in the need rather than being strong enough to overcome it will keep you both addicted to your ex and immobile, stuck in your breakup angst.” The authors suggest going on a 30-day detox or “hetox” from the ex, which includes no communication of any kind with that person and certainly no “accidental” encounters. The purpose is to release the past in order to clear a path for the future.
With the end of one year and the beginning of another, it seemed to be a perfect time to suggest that each friend to go on this “hetox” challenge and write a weekly journal entry on their experience. Here’s what was revealed.
Lady A’s story:
After devoting four years of my life to _______ I had become completely engrossed in who he was, what he wanted and supporting his dream that I forgot who I was, what I wanted and even how to dream for myself. When our relationship went sour I realized he never took the time to really appreciate or know me. I found myself completely lost and grasping at straws to somehow maintain a connection to him that would validate me.
WEEK 1:
I am happy to announce that week one had no slip ups. Now, if only I could get rid of the constant "good times replay" from my memory bank, this should be a piece of cake. Hoping for selective amnesia…
WEEK 2:
How long have I been doing this again? I think about a week. The fact that I can't remember is a good sign, as is the fact that the rotation on my iPod has morphed from melodramatic to celebratory. So far, so good. What's harder than not thinking about _______ is that I am now forced to examine myself and my choices and deal with what I find... still working on that.
WEEK 3:
Is it considered cheating if someone tricks u into talking to them?
WEEK 4:
I don't think I need this week. I'm starting to self-purge the loser. Your body can only handle so many toxins and this week I choose chocolate over his a#* Detox is really about power. I needed detox because it provided a great way for me to learn who I am and how I live independent or completely void of knowing, seeing or learning about him. Reclaiming your ability to control how u let others access your life, how u feel and what you do. It’s too easy to fall into emotionally destructive patterns regarding the 'ex' detox just let's you step back, survey the scene and realize that you don't need contact from him to determine your mood. Detox is about reclaiming your life. I hope I've taken a step in that direction.
--------------------------------
Lady B’s story:
When things were good, they were great, but despite what he said, I always felt there was something below the surface that I didn’t have access to...his heart. There was nothing I could do or say to get him to open up to me. That was, until we broke up. It was then that he revealed what all but rocked my world. I was left speechless and I guess he was too because I haven’t heard from him since. All I got was a shameless apology with no explanation and a feeling like I still deserve more than what he’s given. I’ve forgiven him, but it’s too fresh to forget. That was 2 ½ months ago…
WEEK 1:
He must have a sixth sense because it’s day three of hetox and NOW he decides to contact me. I haven’t responded because there’s no need. He hasn’t shown any signs of remorse for what he did, so why should I care?
WEEK 2:
I had a relapse while reminiscing on the good times. When I caught myself, it made me upset and I felt like the situation had power over me once again. So, instead of sulking, I went out with my closest friends and celebrated what love really feels like!
WEEK 3:
I’ve had other things/people to preoccupy my thoughts/time. The first of those being ME! I’m ready to check out.
WEEK 4:
This detox was good for me. We had a brief conversation for the first time this week, but not about us, so maybe that’s not considered totally breaking the rules. After our talk, I realized that he’s not my enemy, but we’re far from being friends anytime soon and I’m perfectly okay with accepting that.
--------------------------------
Lady C’s story:
Before I entered into the detox program I had some not so nice words for the guy I dated for almost 2 years. We started to date right before I left for college, but I found out that distance doesn’t make every heart grow fonder. When I would come home from school, we were the cutest couple, but when I left, I wouldn’t hear from him at all…
WEEK 1:
The detox was not that difficult this week because I have been busy. I have come to realize that I only think about him when I am not doing anything. With school, work and the possibility of a new male interest, he has been the last thing on my mind. I know it’s not good to open a new door until you close the old door, but a wise woman once told me that sometimes the only way to get over your ex is to get under another (I hope not in the literal sense, as I am not sexually active)!
WEEK 2:
He still has an effect on me, and at a very weak moment, I did call him from a blocked number so he didn’t know it was me. He did not answer (THANK GOD!) and immediately afterwards, I regretted calling. The true test will be going home for the holidays because I know he will probably try to get in contact with me. My newest male interest is about to be sidelined because his actions are inconsistent and I’m noticing a trend.
WEEK 3:
I feel that this detox might not work because I haven’t found a stable someone to get under yet, making it hard to get over my ex. I saw him over the holidays and the attraction is still there, but again, he let me down and I’m back to square one.
WEEK 4:
There’s still times when I think about him, but not like before. I do not deserve the rollercoaster ride he puts me on so I’ve decided not to go anywhere near his amusement park.
--------------------------------
Lady D’s story:
We used to be engaged, yet while I was engaged in him and the next phase of our relationship; he was engaged in other things. As afraid as I was to start over, I left him. We remained in touch for some time before we decided to try at it again. Well, the time had changed, but he had not and I was disappointed all over again. I just wanted him to stop lying to me, but I kept answering the phone…
WEEK 1:
I swore to myself that I would move on this time. That I wouldn't dwell on what was, what could have been, or blame myself for how it ended. The fact is he really wanted out and all he needed was a reason. After five years of up-and-down, in-and-out, it became comfortable. Comfort is good, right? Wrong. Comfort is good if you're scared of the unknown and scared of who you are without the other person. But is it worth how I feel and what I deserve? I swear that answer is “no.”
WEEK 2:
I am ready to change my thinking. I am ready to believe that I am worthy of something wonderful... of someone wonderful. And why shouldn't I have that something or someone? Even if the last one had me feeling like I was only worth the bare minimum. I see that from my students too. They feel like taking my class is a necessary evil that they only need to do the least required of them to get through it. But what's the fun in that? Why not push yourself to the limit to get that 'A' that seems so out of reach? That's what good relationships are: the 'A.’ I am so used to being the "passing grade" that I don't think that I would know an 'A' if it walked up and smacked me on the ass... But I have to be hopeful that that one day someone wonderful will think that I am the class that he wants to get an 'A' in.
WEEK 3:
Okay, so I know that I should stay positive, right. I'm supposed to take all my relationships with men - good, bad, and indifferent - and learn from them. Well, with this last one, I am not sure what I am supposed to know... LOL!! Along with learning things, I also should not let whatever bad experiences that last relationship brought make me sour on finding love and positivity in the next one. I should continue with an open mind and not let the bad stuff get to me. But a wall has been built around every part of me: a wall made with suspicion, doubt, neuroticism and the need to prove how worthy I am of whatever goodness may come. It's something I have to overcome every time. In the spirit of the holiday season, I am throwing away all that negativity. I will not let it get to me, and potentially ruin what could turn out to be a great thing... Dear Lord, give me the strength to move away from these negative feelings and embrace the positivity that I deserve; help me know I am worthy of the love and respect I desire. And please give me the courage to open up my heart and mind to someone who really, really loves me.
WEEK 4:
When people say "anything worth having is worth working for,” does it apply to relationships? Say, for instance, I worked hard for a relationship of mine. Pretend that I put forth all this effort - conceded every compromise, extended every olive branch and rationalized every flaw - does it make the relationship worth it? Should I believe that I didn't work hard enough because the relationship didn't work? Now I have NEVER been afraid of a little elbow grease, but I will be damned if anyone can look straight into my almond eyes and tell me that I haven't worked hard for my last relationship. A very good man told me once that every partnership works when one gives a little more than the other: 60/40, 55/45, but almost never 50/50. My last one was about 85/15. Guess what part I was? And it wasn't even worth it.
Song for thought: "Finally," Brandy
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)