In the post, “Good Guys Finish Last…but they do finish!” I challenged women to date outside the box. But, I may need to retract my statement, or at least make an addendum. It took me a while to understand, but because of recent circumstances, it has become even clearer to me that sometimes, you just can't force something that's not initially there.
WARNING: Do not confuse Mr. Nice with Mr. Right. If you already know “it’s” not there, don’t stick around thinking “it” will show up just because he’s a nice guy.
I briefly dated a divorcé. When I inquired about his reasons for divorce, he simple stated that although she was a nice woman, a doctor, smart and sophisticated, he wasn't physically attracted to her. At first, I thought it was such a shallow response, but now I think a little differently. His “it” was physical attraction.
One of my best friends found herself in a similar predicament and it went like this:
There was a guy with whom she went to high school. They shared a few mutual friends, but she didn’t recall ever speaking to him. She remembered him being quiet and a tad corny. So when he offered to take out her out and welcome her to the area in which she recently moved, she wasn’t expecting anything more than a few drinks accompanied by boring "catch up" conversation. What she didn’t anticipate was to have great discussion accompanied by non-stop laughter. While he wasn't the type of guy she’s typically attracted to, he was a nice guy who made her laugh so she figured she'd give him a try and agreed to hang out with him again.
After their third time hanging out, he tried to make a move by kissing her and at that moment she realized she wasn't interested in moving beyond friends. There was no physical attraction, so his decision to go in for the kiss repulsed her. Although he possessed the fundamentals: same religious beliefs, sense of humor, dignity and respect, that alone wasn't enough to make Mr. Nice her Mr. Right. She could have forced herself to like him as more than a friend, but inside, she wouldn't necessarily be satisfied. Who knows, she could end up like my divorcé; out one night, having bumped into someone to whom she is more attracted and not having the self-restraint to maintain fidelity. She knew she had to tell him, but how? After strongly considering lying, she told him the sugar-coated truth: he was a great guy whom she enjoyed hanging out with, but she was only interested in being friends. He seemed to be cool with that. Whether or not he still has hope for more is a different topic.
I was headed to work one morning, waiting for the train, when a guy walked up to me with a big grin on his face. At first, I thought he might’ve known me the way he approached me. That’s how familiar and confident he was. He started a conversation and when the train came, he sat down beside me. Great. Right before getting to his stop, he asked if we could exchange numbers. I wasn’t interested, but because he was a nice guy, I handed him my business card instead. First mistake!
I had no idea how to tell this man I wasn't interested, but I figured a few ignored calls would do the trick. Just kidding! When I finally decided to call him back, the conversation was decent so I decided that I would give him a chance and agreed to meet him for a drink after work. Yes, I chickened out. Second mistake. Right before I left the office, I got a text from him. There was a change of plans. Instead of going out for a drink, he wanted to rent movies and order pizza (the nerve)! I took it as my cue and finally told him, “I’m sorry, but don’t want to lead you on. I’m just not that interested. Take care.” Unfortunately, that didn’t sit well with him because I got four text messages telling me EXACTLY what he thought of me. You'd think we'd been dating for weeks, that he'd spent money wining and dining me. Some of you may think that, because I drug my feet, I deserved it. If I cared, I’d beg to differ.
We've all been there. We're walking down the street and a guy yells out for us to give him the time of day and when we say no, however we convey it, he replies rudely to our deny.
I do realize that no one likes rejection, men and women alike. But let’s face it, rejection is a bigger blow to a man’s ego than a woman’s. For this reason, women must be mindful that how he responds most times depends on how she breaks the news and when. Why should we care about his feelings? We shouldn’t. Men who aren't interested in us FOR SURE don’t care about how we feel (most men anyway). But the point is, we’re women: caring individuals. We’ll spend more time trying to figure out how to spare his feelings, while failing to realize the more time we take, the more damage we're doing.
I don’t think you have to apologize for not being interested; you just need to tell him promptly and in a way that doesn’t hurt his ego. You may possibly salvage what could potentially be a good friendship or, at best, keeping a future encounter as peaceful as possible. The fact that we put this much thought into breaking up with someone we were never with is a headache in itself, but karma is real so keep in mind that the man of your dreams may not feel the same about you. Let others down the way you would "want" to be let down. You could always have the "it's not you, it's me" talk or you could blame it on not being completely over your ex. But instead of lying, as SOON as you realize that you're just not that into him, say so, NICELY.
Showing posts with label break up. Show all posts
Showing posts with label break up. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Excuses are Tools...
About two months ago I went through a “break up,” for lack of a better phrase. If you’ve been following uLive.uLove.uLearn for a while, you may have noticed a few posts regarding a relationship in which I dated, phased out, re-dated and fell in love with this guy I used to know. Well, the title of the blog isn’t specifically ordered live, love, learn for no reason. As you live your life, you will find love or have it find you and, whether or not it lasts four months or forever, you most certainly should learn from the experience.
I had no intention of even writing about the way it ended or why because, long in short, our time together was our time together and I've previously stated my theories on "reason, season, lifetime." But, in truth, it took me a long time to accept that reality. All along I “didn't want to hear” what he “didn't want to tell” me, especially when I’d previously defended the relationship and the emotions that came of it, to myself and others. But while engaging in conversation with other women about their experiences, I noticed a common, unhealthy pattern and it’s time for this to stop. Ladies, if you remember nothing else I ever write, remember this: STOP making excuses for men (and for your actions concerning them)! Seriously, it just makes you look stupid…bottom line. Stupidity can come in the form of, but is not limited to, the following phrases:
-“He’s young and doesn’t know what he wants.” (Do tell the appropriate age at which wisdom kicks in.)
-“He has trust issues/he’s been hurt in the past.” (Join the club!)
-“They didn’t officially break up because he didn’t want to hurt her feelings.” (What about yours?)
-“He thought a relationship would distract him from reaching his life goals.” (“I’m a movement by myself, but…”)
-“He has potential/good intentions.” (“The road to hell is paved with…”)
-“Technically, we weren’t together so it’s not really considered cheating.” (Define cheating. I’ll wait…)
-“But he loves me.” (My personal favorite.)
-“She’s not even cute!” (Since when does “it” have a face?)
Of course, there’s more, but you know what constitutes an excuse (to make apology for or to try to remove blame from) and how dumb you sound when you attempt to rationalize it, so the aforementioned should suffice. And please don’t give me that know-it-all response of, “It’s a legitimate reason,” because a reason (a statement offered in explanation or justification) for giving you anything less than you deserve is a terrible excuse just the same. Don't get me wrong, there are exceptions, but excuses and exceptions are two different things! I’m not angry with you, I am you; always willing to constantly give someone the benefit of the doubt even when they’ve repeatedly disappointed you. Save yourself the time and heartache and listen to his nonverbal way of saying, “I’m not the one.” Trust me on this, it will hurt more to ignore the obvious than to accept it for what it is and move on.
It’s very easy to justify actions or inactions because we are in love. I’m a huge advocate for love and loving hard, but we have got to do so with our head and heart alike. Love, or the prospect of it, can weaken the heart and mess with the mind of even the strongest people, which is why when one is badly affected; the other must take over in its place. Love is, by far, the most addicting drug of all and once diagnosed, there’s not a prescription you can think of to cure it or a vaccine to prevent it.
If you’ve followed the 2008 presidential campaign (Gooobama!), you might recall the candidates referring to Einstein’s definition of insanity (doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results). Well, my darlings, you must be out of your minds to think that he will stop doing something that you’ve continued to allow him to do. Here’s one other thing to remember: women set the tone in any relationship and men have two options: rock with it or roll out!
Comedian and radio host, Steve Harvey said it best in a response to one of his daily “Strawberry Letter” entries. Doing my best to paraphrase, he said that if a woman enters a relationship with no standards and requirements set in place (specifically on how she is to be treated), the man will have free reign to do what he wants. He also made it very clear that a woman is wasting her time to think she can change any man. Therefore, she can’t hit the rewind button once she feels disrespected and then try to enforce those standards and requirements. At that point, it is most likely too late for him. Conversely, if she is upfront and clear about her standards & requirements, he will make the conscious decision to step up to the plate or not.
Keep making excuses if you want to, but that is the “bare-naked truth” from a man. “Excuses are tools of the incompetent…,” so if you consider your relationship to be useless, hopeless and inept, keep on building those monuments, girls!
Live, Love, Learn and repeat!
I had no intention of even writing about the way it ended or why because, long in short, our time together was our time together and I've previously stated my theories on "reason, season, lifetime." But, in truth, it took me a long time to accept that reality. All along I “didn't want to hear” what he “didn't want to tell” me, especially when I’d previously defended the relationship and the emotions that came of it, to myself and others. But while engaging in conversation with other women about their experiences, I noticed a common, unhealthy pattern and it’s time for this to stop. Ladies, if you remember nothing else I ever write, remember this: STOP making excuses for men (and for your actions concerning them)! Seriously, it just makes you look stupid…bottom line. Stupidity can come in the form of, but is not limited to, the following phrases:
-“He’s young and doesn’t know what he wants.” (Do tell the appropriate age at which wisdom kicks in.)
-“He has trust issues/he’s been hurt in the past.” (Join the club!)
-“They didn’t officially break up because he didn’t want to hurt her feelings.” (What about yours?)
-“He thought a relationship would distract him from reaching his life goals.” (“I’m a movement by myself, but…”)
-“He has potential/good intentions.” (“The road to hell is paved with…”)
-“Technically, we weren’t together so it’s not really considered cheating.” (Define cheating. I’ll wait…)
-“But he loves me.” (My personal favorite.)
-“She’s not even cute!” (Since when does “it” have a face?)
Of course, there’s more, but you know what constitutes an excuse (to make apology for or to try to remove blame from) and how dumb you sound when you attempt to rationalize it, so the aforementioned should suffice. And please don’t give me that know-it-all response of, “It’s a legitimate reason,” because a reason (a statement offered in explanation or justification) for giving you anything less than you deserve is a terrible excuse just the same. Don't get me wrong, there are exceptions, but excuses and exceptions are two different things! I’m not angry with you, I am you; always willing to constantly give someone the benefit of the doubt even when they’ve repeatedly disappointed you. Save yourself the time and heartache and listen to his nonverbal way of saying, “I’m not the one.” Trust me on this, it will hurt more to ignore the obvious than to accept it for what it is and move on.
It’s very easy to justify actions or inactions because we are in love. I’m a huge advocate for love and loving hard, but we have got to do so with our head and heart alike. Love, or the prospect of it, can weaken the heart and mess with the mind of even the strongest people, which is why when one is badly affected; the other must take over in its place. Love is, by far, the most addicting drug of all and once diagnosed, there’s not a prescription you can think of to cure it or a vaccine to prevent it.
If you’ve followed the 2008 presidential campaign (Gooobama!), you might recall the candidates referring to Einstein’s definition of insanity (doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results). Well, my darlings, you must be out of your minds to think that he will stop doing something that you’ve continued to allow him to do. Here’s one other thing to remember: women set the tone in any relationship and men have two options: rock with it or roll out!
Comedian and radio host, Steve Harvey said it best in a response to one of his daily “Strawberry Letter” entries. Doing my best to paraphrase, he said that if a woman enters a relationship with no standards and requirements set in place (specifically on how she is to be treated), the man will have free reign to do what he wants. He also made it very clear that a woman is wasting her time to think she can change any man. Therefore, she can’t hit the rewind button once she feels disrespected and then try to enforce those standards and requirements. At that point, it is most likely too late for him. Conversely, if she is upfront and clear about her standards & requirements, he will make the conscious decision to step up to the plate or not.
Keep making excuses if you want to, but that is the “bare-naked truth” from a man. “Excuses are tools of the incompetent…,” so if you consider your relationship to be useless, hopeless and inept, keep on building those monuments, girls!
Live, Love, Learn and repeat!
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