She's Just Not That Into You

In the post, “Good Guys Finish Last…but they do finish!” I challenged women to date outside the box. But, I may need to retract my statement, or at least make an addendum. It took me a while to understand, but because of recent circumstances, it has become even clearer to me that sometimes, you just can't force something that's not initially there.

WARNING: Do not confuse Mr. Nice with Mr. Right. If you already know “it’s” not there, don’t stick around thinking “it” will show up just because he’s a nice guy.

I briefly dated a divorcé. When I inquired about his reasons for divorce, he simple stated that although she was a nice woman, a doctor, smart and sophisticated, he wasn't physically attracted to her. At first, I thought it was such a shallow response, but now I think a little differently. His “it” was physical attraction.

One of my best friends found herself in a similar predicament and it went like this:

There was a guy with whom she went to high school. They shared a few mutual friends, but she didn’t recall ever speaking to him. She remembered him being quiet and a tad corny. So when he offered to take out her out and welcome her to the area in which she recently moved, she wasn’t expecting anything more than a few drinks accompanied by boring "catch up" conversation. What she didn’t anticipate was to have great discussion accompanied by non-stop laughter. While he wasn't the type of guy she’s typically attracted to, he was a nice guy who made her laugh so she figured she'd give him a try and agreed to hang out with him again.

After their third time hanging out, he tried to make a move by kissing her and at that moment she realized she wasn't interested in moving beyond friends. There was no physical attraction, so his decision to go in for the kiss repulsed her. Although he possessed the fundamentals: same religious beliefs, sense of humor, dignity and respect, that alone wasn't enough to make Mr. Nice her Mr. Right. She could have forced herself to like him as more than a friend, but inside, she wouldn't necessarily be satisfied. Who knows, she could end up like my divorcé; out one night, having bumped into someone to whom she is more attracted and not having the self-restraint to maintain fidelity. She knew she had to tell him, but how? After strongly considering lying, she told him the sugar-coated truth: he was a great guy whom she enjoyed hanging out with, but she was only interested in being friends. He seemed to be cool with that. Whether or not he still has hope for more is a different topic.

I was headed to work one morning, waiting for the train, when a guy walked up to me with a big grin on his face. At first, I thought he might’ve known me the way he approached me. That’s how familiar and confident he was. He started a conversation and when the train came, he sat down beside me. Great. Right before getting to his stop, he asked if we could exchange numbers. I wasn’t interested, but because he was a nice guy, I handed him my business card instead. First mistake!

I had no idea how to tell this man I wasn't interested, but I figured a few ignored calls would do the trick. Just kidding! When I finally decided to call him back, the conversation was decent so I decided that I would give him a chance and agreed to meet him for a drink after work. Yes, I chickened out. Second mistake. Right before I left the office, I got a text from him. There was a change of plans. Instead of going out for a drink, he wanted to rent movies and order pizza (the nerve)! I took it as my cue and finally told him, “I’m sorry, but don’t want to lead you on. I’m just not that interested. Take care.” Unfortunately, that didn’t sit well with him because I got four text messages telling me EXACTLY what he thought of me. You'd think we'd been dating for weeks, that he'd spent money wining and dining me. Some of you may think that, because I drug my feet, I deserved it. If I cared, I’d beg to differ.

We've all been there. We're walking down the street and a guy yells out for us to give him the time of day and when we say no, however we convey it, he replies rudely to our deny.

I do realize that no one likes rejection, men and women alike. But let’s face it, rejection is a bigger blow to a man’s ego than a woman’s. For this reason, women must be mindful that how he responds most times depends on how she breaks the news and when. Why should we care about his feelings? We shouldn’t. Men who aren't interested in us FOR SURE don’t care about how we feel (most men anyway). But the point is, we’re women: caring individuals. We’ll spend more time trying to figure out how to spare his feelings, while failing to realize the more time we take, the more damage we're doing.

I don’t think you have to apologize for not being interested; you just need to tell him promptly and in a way that doesn’t hurt his ego. You may possibly salvage what could potentially be a good friendship or, at best, keeping a future encounter as peaceful as possible. The fact that we put this much thought into breaking up with someone we were never with is a headache in itself, but karma is real so keep in mind that the man of your dreams may not feel the same about you. Let others down the way you would "want" to be let down. You could always have the "it's not you, it's me" talk or you could blame it on not being completely over your ex. But instead of lying, as SOON as you realize that you're just not that into him, say so, NICELY.