If the year 2008 was the year of new beginnings, then, my goodness, a CHANGE has come!
I challenge you to EMBRACE the new people and experiences that have come your way and still await you. To those who've lost people thought to be around for a lifetime, be cognizant of the purpose they served in your life and the direction in which they helped guide your next steps. Whether it resulted from your decision or someone else’s, invest with the change that you’ve received and make a sincere effort to let go of anything that no longer makes sense to your progression.
Author Alan Cohen once said, “It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.”
I hope that every new beginning that has sprung into your life this year has made you a stronger, wiser and better individual. For those who LIVE, LOVE, LEARN and have the courage to repeat the process, I wish you many blessings in the New Year!
Song for thought: "Love Brings Change," Jamie Foxx
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
The Demise of Dating (NY Times)
December 13, 2008
OP-ED COLUMNIST
The Demise of Dating
New York Times
CHARLES M. BLOW
The paradigm has shifted. Dating is dated. Hooking up is here to stay.
(For those over 30 years old: hooking up is a casual sexual encounter with no expectation of future emotional commitment. Think of it as a one-night stand with someone you know.)
According to a report released this spring by Child Trends, a Washington research group, there are now more high school seniors saying that they never date than seniors who say that they date frequently. Apparently, it’s all about the hookup.
When I first heard about hooking up years ago, I figured that it was a fad that would soon fizzle. I was wrong. It seems to be becoming the norm.
I should point out that just because more young people seem to be hooking up instead of dating doesn’t mean that they’re having more sex (they’ve been having less, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) or having sex with strangers (they’re more likely to hook up with a friend, according to a 2006 paper in the Journal of Adolescent Research).
To help me understand this phenomenon, I called Kathleen Bogle, a professor at La Salle University in Philadelphia who has studied hooking up among college students and is the author of the 2008 book, “Hooking Up: Sex, Dating and Relationships on Campus.”
It turns out that everything is the opposite of what I remember. Under the old model, you dated a few times and, if you really liked the person, you might consider having sex. Under the new model, you hook up a few times and, if you really like the person, you might consider going on a date.
I asked her to explain the pros and cons of this strange culture. According to her, the pros are that hooking up emphasizes group friendships over the one-pair model of dating, and, therefore, removes the negative stigma from those who can’t get a date. As she put it, “It used to be that if you couldn’t get a date, you were a loser.” Now, she said, you just hang out with your friends and hope that something happens.
The cons center on the issues of gender inequity. Girls get tired of hooking up because they want it to lead to a relationship (the guys don’t), and, as they get older, they start to realize that it’s not a good way to find a spouse. Also, there’s an increased likelihood of sexual assaults because hooking up is often fueled by alcohol.
That’s not good. So why is there an increase in hooking up? According to Professor Bogle, it’s: the collapse of advanced planning, lopsided gender ratios on campus, delaying marriage, relaxing values and sheer momentum.
It used to be that “you were trained your whole life to date,” said Ms. Bogle. “Now we’ve lost that ability — the ability to just ask someone out and get to know them.”
Now that’s sad.
OP-ED COLUMNIST
The Demise of Dating
New York Times
CHARLES M. BLOW
The paradigm has shifted. Dating is dated. Hooking up is here to stay.
(For those over 30 years old: hooking up is a casual sexual encounter with no expectation of future emotional commitment. Think of it as a one-night stand with someone you know.)
According to a report released this spring by Child Trends, a Washington research group, there are now more high school seniors saying that they never date than seniors who say that they date frequently. Apparently, it’s all about the hookup.
When I first heard about hooking up years ago, I figured that it was a fad that would soon fizzle. I was wrong. It seems to be becoming the norm.
I should point out that just because more young people seem to be hooking up instead of dating doesn’t mean that they’re having more sex (they’ve been having less, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) or having sex with strangers (they’re more likely to hook up with a friend, according to a 2006 paper in the Journal of Adolescent Research).
To help me understand this phenomenon, I called Kathleen Bogle, a professor at La Salle University in Philadelphia who has studied hooking up among college students and is the author of the 2008 book, “Hooking Up: Sex, Dating and Relationships on Campus.”
It turns out that everything is the opposite of what I remember. Under the old model, you dated a few times and, if you really liked the person, you might consider having sex. Under the new model, you hook up a few times and, if you really like the person, you might consider going on a date.
I asked her to explain the pros and cons of this strange culture. According to her, the pros are that hooking up emphasizes group friendships over the one-pair model of dating, and, therefore, removes the negative stigma from those who can’t get a date. As she put it, “It used to be that if you couldn’t get a date, you were a loser.” Now, she said, you just hang out with your friends and hope that something happens.
The cons center on the issues of gender inequity. Girls get tired of hooking up because they want it to lead to a relationship (the guys don’t), and, as they get older, they start to realize that it’s not a good way to find a spouse. Also, there’s an increased likelihood of sexual assaults because hooking up is often fueled by alcohol.
That’s not good. So why is there an increase in hooking up? According to Professor Bogle, it’s: the collapse of advanced planning, lopsided gender ratios on campus, delaying marriage, relaxing values and sheer momentum.
It used to be that “you were trained your whole life to date,” said Ms. Bogle. “Now we’ve lost that ability — the ability to just ask someone out and get to know them.”
Now that’s sad.
Monday, December 1, 2008
World AIDS Day
Today is World AIDS Day. It is observed, this day, all around the world. While living and loving, empower yourself by learning. You have the right to know! Get tested and encourage a friend to do the same.
Be smart. Be safe.
Find more information here: World AIDS Day
Be smart. Be safe.
Find more information here: World AIDS Day
Giving Thanks!
To my readers,
Because of your continued support, I've been blogging for 1.5 years now (where has the time gone)! I'm very grateful for the opportunity to "voice" my experiences and those of others in a format in which I can be completely candid and at times transparent. Thank you for being receptive to my words and offering your support by reading, commenting, starting discussions and passing the posts on to your friends. In the past year, I have been featured on LavaLife as a relationship blogger (check me out!) and have had my works recommended and submitted for inclusion in Honey Magazine, Essence and Chicken Soup for the Twenty-Something Soul. Because of such a positively, overwhelming response, I've begun to even outline a book (watch out Carrie Bradshaw)!
I have learned so much about men, women and most importantly myself through "researching" and writing each post and because of your hand in that, I offer my sincere thanks!
Live.Love.Learn...and then repeat!
"Ms. Wright"
Because of your continued support, I've been blogging for 1.5 years now (where has the time gone)! I'm very grateful for the opportunity to "voice" my experiences and those of others in a format in which I can be completely candid and at times transparent. Thank you for being receptive to my words and offering your support by reading, commenting, starting discussions and passing the posts on to your friends. In the past year, I have been featured on LavaLife as a relationship blogger (check me out!) and have had my works recommended and submitted for inclusion in Honey Magazine, Essence and Chicken Soup for the Twenty-Something Soul. Because of such a positively, overwhelming response, I've begun to even outline a book (watch out Carrie Bradshaw)!
I have learned so much about men, women and most importantly myself through "researching" and writing each post and because of your hand in that, I offer my sincere thanks!
Live.Love.Learn...and then repeat!
"Ms. Wright"
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Excuses are Tools...
About two months ago I went through a “break up,” for lack of a better phrase. If you’ve been following uLive.uLove.uLearn for a while, you may have noticed a few posts regarding a relationship in which I dated, phased out, re-dated and fell in love with this guy I used to know. Well, the title of the blog isn’t specifically ordered live, love, learn for no reason. As you live your life, you will find love or have it find you and, whether or not it lasts four months or forever, you most certainly should learn from the experience.
I had no intention of even writing about the way it ended or why because, long in short, our time together was our time together and I've previously stated my theories on "reason, season, lifetime." But, in truth, it took me a long time to accept that reality. All along I “didn't want to hear” what he “didn't want to tell” me, especially when I’d previously defended the relationship and the emotions that came of it, to myself and others. But while engaging in conversation with other women about their experiences, I noticed a common, unhealthy pattern and it’s time for this to stop. Ladies, if you remember nothing else I ever write, remember this: STOP making excuses for men (and for your actions concerning them)! Seriously, it just makes you look stupid…bottom line. Stupidity can come in the form of, but is not limited to, the following phrases:
-“He’s young and doesn’t know what he wants.” (Do tell the appropriate age at which wisdom kicks in.)
-“He has trust issues/he’s been hurt in the past.” (Join the club!)
-“They didn’t officially break up because he didn’t want to hurt her feelings.” (What about yours?)
-“He thought a relationship would distract him from reaching his life goals.” (“I’m a movement by myself, but…”)
-“He has potential/good intentions.” (“The road to hell is paved with…”)
-“Technically, we weren’t together so it’s not really considered cheating.” (Define cheating. I’ll wait…)
-“But he loves me.” (My personal favorite.)
-“She’s not even cute!” (Since when does “it” have a face?)
Of course, there’s more, but you know what constitutes an excuse (to make apology for or to try to remove blame from) and how dumb you sound when you attempt to rationalize it, so the aforementioned should suffice. And please don’t give me that know-it-all response of, “It’s a legitimate reason,” because a reason (a statement offered in explanation or justification) for giving you anything less than you deserve is a terrible excuse just the same. Don't get me wrong, there are exceptions, but excuses and exceptions are two different things! I’m not angry with you, I am you; always willing to constantly give someone the benefit of the doubt even when they’ve repeatedly disappointed you. Save yourself the time and heartache and listen to his nonverbal way of saying, “I’m not the one.” Trust me on this, it will hurt more to ignore the obvious than to accept it for what it is and move on.
It’s very easy to justify actions or inactions because we are in love. I’m a huge advocate for love and loving hard, but we have got to do so with our head and heart alike. Love, or the prospect of it, can weaken the heart and mess with the mind of even the strongest people, which is why when one is badly affected; the other must take over in its place. Love is, by far, the most addicting drug of all and once diagnosed, there’s not a prescription you can think of to cure it or a vaccine to prevent it.
If you’ve followed the 2008 presidential campaign (Gooobama!), you might recall the candidates referring to Einstein’s definition of insanity (doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results). Well, my darlings, you must be out of your minds to think that he will stop doing something that you’ve continued to allow him to do. Here’s one other thing to remember: women set the tone in any relationship and men have two options: rock with it or roll out!
Comedian and radio host, Steve Harvey said it best in a response to one of his daily “Strawberry Letter” entries. Doing my best to paraphrase, he said that if a woman enters a relationship with no standards and requirements set in place (specifically on how she is to be treated), the man will have free reign to do what he wants. He also made it very clear that a woman is wasting her time to think she can change any man. Therefore, she can’t hit the rewind button once she feels disrespected and then try to enforce those standards and requirements. At that point, it is most likely too late for him. Conversely, if she is upfront and clear about her standards & requirements, he will make the conscious decision to step up to the plate or not.
Keep making excuses if you want to, but that is the “bare-naked truth” from a man. “Excuses are tools of the incompetent…,” so if you consider your relationship to be useless, hopeless and inept, keep on building those monuments, girls!
Live, Love, Learn and repeat!
I had no intention of even writing about the way it ended or why because, long in short, our time together was our time together and I've previously stated my theories on "reason, season, lifetime." But, in truth, it took me a long time to accept that reality. All along I “didn't want to hear” what he “didn't want to tell” me, especially when I’d previously defended the relationship and the emotions that came of it, to myself and others. But while engaging in conversation with other women about their experiences, I noticed a common, unhealthy pattern and it’s time for this to stop. Ladies, if you remember nothing else I ever write, remember this: STOP making excuses for men (and for your actions concerning them)! Seriously, it just makes you look stupid…bottom line. Stupidity can come in the form of, but is not limited to, the following phrases:
-“He’s young and doesn’t know what he wants.” (Do tell the appropriate age at which wisdom kicks in.)
-“He has trust issues/he’s been hurt in the past.” (Join the club!)
-“They didn’t officially break up because he didn’t want to hurt her feelings.” (What about yours?)
-“He thought a relationship would distract him from reaching his life goals.” (“I’m a movement by myself, but…”)
-“He has potential/good intentions.” (“The road to hell is paved with…”)
-“Technically, we weren’t together so it’s not really considered cheating.” (Define cheating. I’ll wait…)
-“But he loves me.” (My personal favorite.)
-“She’s not even cute!” (Since when does “it” have a face?)
Of course, there’s more, but you know what constitutes an excuse (to make apology for or to try to remove blame from) and how dumb you sound when you attempt to rationalize it, so the aforementioned should suffice. And please don’t give me that know-it-all response of, “It’s a legitimate reason,” because a reason (a statement offered in explanation or justification) for giving you anything less than you deserve is a terrible excuse just the same. Don't get me wrong, there are exceptions, but excuses and exceptions are two different things! I’m not angry with you, I am you; always willing to constantly give someone the benefit of the doubt even when they’ve repeatedly disappointed you. Save yourself the time and heartache and listen to his nonverbal way of saying, “I’m not the one.” Trust me on this, it will hurt more to ignore the obvious than to accept it for what it is and move on.
It’s very easy to justify actions or inactions because we are in love. I’m a huge advocate for love and loving hard, but we have got to do so with our head and heart alike. Love, or the prospect of it, can weaken the heart and mess with the mind of even the strongest people, which is why when one is badly affected; the other must take over in its place. Love is, by far, the most addicting drug of all and once diagnosed, there’s not a prescription you can think of to cure it or a vaccine to prevent it.
If you’ve followed the 2008 presidential campaign (Gooobama!), you might recall the candidates referring to Einstein’s definition of insanity (doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results). Well, my darlings, you must be out of your minds to think that he will stop doing something that you’ve continued to allow him to do. Here’s one other thing to remember: women set the tone in any relationship and men have two options: rock with it or roll out!
Comedian and radio host, Steve Harvey said it best in a response to one of his daily “Strawberry Letter” entries. Doing my best to paraphrase, he said that if a woman enters a relationship with no standards and requirements set in place (specifically on how she is to be treated), the man will have free reign to do what he wants. He also made it very clear that a woman is wasting her time to think she can change any man. Therefore, she can’t hit the rewind button once she feels disrespected and then try to enforce those standards and requirements. At that point, it is most likely too late for him. Conversely, if she is upfront and clear about her standards & requirements, he will make the conscious decision to step up to the plate or not.
Keep making excuses if you want to, but that is the “bare-naked truth” from a man. “Excuses are tools of the incompetent…,” so if you consider your relationship to be useless, hopeless and inept, keep on building those monuments, girls!
Live, Love, Learn and repeat!
Monday, October 27, 2008
Three Types of Love
I found this topic posted by Alex C. in 2005 and wanted to share. Described are the three types of love: eros, philos and agape.
Alex explains:
"In essence, eros love is "physical," philos love is "mental," and agape love is "spiritual." Thus, it is made up of the three fundamental elements of (wo)man: physical, mental and spiritual."
Please find the full post by clicking on the following link:
Seeker of Truth: The 3 Types of Love
Live.Love.Learn...and then repeat!
Alex explains:
"In essence, eros love is "physical," philos love is "mental," and agape love is "spiritual." Thus, it is made up of the three fundamental elements of (wo)man: physical, mental and spiritual."
Please find the full post by clicking on the following link:
Seeker of Truth: The 3 Types of Love
Live.Love.Learn...and then repeat!
Friday, September 19, 2008
Dear Ms. Wright
Dear Ms. Wright,
I am 24 years old and am still with my high school sweetheart. We’ve experienced our ups and downs over the many years, but we’ve stuck it out. Well, I think I’m hitting one of those “down” moments again. He is very focused on school and his budding career that I feel he leaves little time for me. I am trying to be patient with him, but it’s hard. He is so preoccupied with other things that it makes me feel isolated and in my own bubble. I met a guy who I fully intended to be nothing more than a friend, and although he knows about my boyfriend, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him and him about me. He’ll send me cute little reminders that says he’s thinking about me. It’s just a simple crush, nothing more. We don’t even live in the same state, but I’m intrigued because it’s something new and different than what I’m getting from my boyfriend. I know that if we were closer to each other, I could be headed towards trouble. Please help,
Attention-starved, age 24.
Dear Attention-starved,
I’m afraid what I may say will burst your bubble so get the parachute ready. As you know, from being in a relationship for as long as you have, it is important to find new ways to fall in love with the one your with. I’ve mentioned that before. Look at older married couples that have weathered the storms. While you may think it’s harmless to let this new guy blow some air in your bubble of isolation from time to time, remember not to let it inflate too big and result in you getting carried away.
Reminding yourself of why you fell in love with your boyfriend can be the first step in staying in love with him. Ask yourself: What attracted me to him? Why did I fall in love? What helped us get back up after our “down moments?” Reflect on the answers and bring it to your man’s attention. Let him know through your words and actions that you’re trying to “get that old (yet good) thing back!” Communicating your needs to him in a way in which you know he’ll be receptive (Note: this can vary from man to man and relationship to relationship) is extremely important. What I’ve been told is that while women let one un-related emotions influence another, men, on the other hand, tend not to let their emotions overlap. The way you may let a good day with him dictate a productive day at work/school, etc., he probably keeps school, work and his relationship with you in separate boxes, only dealing with one “box of emotions” at a time. It is our job, sadly, as women to remind men to reach for that relationship box more often.
Don’t be fooled, just like the new car smell, that “new feeling” can wear off if you let it. Most times, it’s not intentional and usually means that two people have reached a mutual level of comfort with one another. Be comfortable enough to talk to him, tell him how you feel and ALWAYS offer solutions for compromise. From his response (whether verbal or non-verbal), you can gauge one of two things: if it’s worth holding on or if you should let go and move on to something new.
Good luck and remember to live, love, learn…and then repeat!
I am 24 years old and am still with my high school sweetheart. We’ve experienced our ups and downs over the many years, but we’ve stuck it out. Well, I think I’m hitting one of those “down” moments again. He is very focused on school and his budding career that I feel he leaves little time for me. I am trying to be patient with him, but it’s hard. He is so preoccupied with other things that it makes me feel isolated and in my own bubble. I met a guy who I fully intended to be nothing more than a friend, and although he knows about my boyfriend, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him and him about me. He’ll send me cute little reminders that says he’s thinking about me. It’s just a simple crush, nothing more. We don’t even live in the same state, but I’m intrigued because it’s something new and different than what I’m getting from my boyfriend. I know that if we were closer to each other, I could be headed towards trouble. Please help,
Attention-starved, age 24.
Dear Attention-starved,
I’m afraid what I may say will burst your bubble so get the parachute ready. As you know, from being in a relationship for as long as you have, it is important to find new ways to fall in love with the one your with. I’ve mentioned that before. Look at older married couples that have weathered the storms. While you may think it’s harmless to let this new guy blow some air in your bubble of isolation from time to time, remember not to let it inflate too big and result in you getting carried away.
Reminding yourself of why you fell in love with your boyfriend can be the first step in staying in love with him. Ask yourself: What attracted me to him? Why did I fall in love? What helped us get back up after our “down moments?” Reflect on the answers and bring it to your man’s attention. Let him know through your words and actions that you’re trying to “get that old (yet good) thing back!” Communicating your needs to him in a way in which you know he’ll be receptive (Note: this can vary from man to man and relationship to relationship) is extremely important. What I’ve been told is that while women let one un-related emotions influence another, men, on the other hand, tend not to let their emotions overlap. The way you may let a good day with him dictate a productive day at work/school, etc., he probably keeps school, work and his relationship with you in separate boxes, only dealing with one “box of emotions” at a time. It is our job, sadly, as women to remind men to reach for that relationship box more often.
Don’t be fooled, just like the new car smell, that “new feeling” can wear off if you let it. Most times, it’s not intentional and usually means that two people have reached a mutual level of comfort with one another. Be comfortable enough to talk to him, tell him how you feel and ALWAYS offer solutions for compromise. From his response (whether verbal or non-verbal), you can gauge one of two things: if it’s worth holding on or if you should let go and move on to something new.
Good luck and remember to live, love, learn…and then repeat!
Sunday, August 17, 2008
The Four-Letter Word
Many times throughout life, we are faced with the past, present and future effects of a particular four-letter word. Whether or not we are aware of or admit to its presence, no one is immune to its impact on our lives and our relationships, or the lack thereof. It is the difference between being content versus truly happy; being stagnant versus progressing onward; between trying and succeeding. It represents the unknown, and at the same time, the all-too familiar. It is fear, the most popular four-letter emotion.
Fear is an emotional response to threats and danger that is related to the specific behaviors of escape and avoidance. Fear is often connected to pain. It is a survival mechanism, and usually occurs in response to a specific negative stimulus (Wikipedia).
As it relates to dating and relationships, people are afraid of many things for many reasons. Whatever the individual case may be, what I’ve found to be the most common reasons people fear anything or anyone is because of its ability to reveal truth and happiness.
We all know the notorious scene from the movie, A Few Good Men, when the characters played by Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson are in a heated court-room argument. Tom demands to be told the truth when Jack replies, “You can’t handle the truth!” Many of us fear searching for the truth because what we may or may not find could be out of our control. However, the truth can only be discovered when we are open-minded and realistic about the outcome.
Happiness, on the other hand, is not something you search for; it isn’t something that can be given to you. Instead, happiness should be defined by your ability to maintain a positive outlook in every situation.
I’ve known a lot of people to remain within a deteriorating relationship because they feared the ultimate heartache of being alone and/or having to “start from scratch” in finding and trusting in someone new. Conversely, I’ve come in contact with those who remain single because of their fear to commit. It is when the ideals of both internal struggles coincide that causes an external conflict between two people.
Since the beginning of their five-year relationship, Joy* searched for clues to prove that her man was cheating. She couldn’t fathom the thought of one man being satisfied with one person. Her actions were an attempt to avoid the disappointment that resulted from a failed relationship between her parents. Yet when her boyfriend finally confessed to cheating, she stayed with him. Her reasons for staying weren’t in hopes that she could work with him through his bouts of infidelity, but for fear of having to share with and learn someone new coupled with the feeling of being unwanted by anyone else.
To overcome fear, one must inherit an attribute of courage. We have a tendency to talk ourselves out of bravery because we fear that of which we’ve yet to experience. Many of us would rather walk blindly in our comfort zone of misery, because it is to what we’re accustomed, than to be exposed to something different and unfamiliar.
Think about how fear has interfered in your relationship(s) and/or how it has hindered the development of one. As mentioned before, no one is immune from possessing a spirit of fear. However, before we can even imagine experiencing the emotion of love with another person, we must learn not to surrender to fear and instead lean on the other “f” word…faith.
“A man without fear is a fool. But, a man that succumbs to his fear is a coward.” –Unknown
Live.Love.Learn...and then repeat!
*Name has been changed to protect the individual's identity.
Fear is an emotional response to threats and danger that is related to the specific behaviors of escape and avoidance. Fear is often connected to pain. It is a survival mechanism, and usually occurs in response to a specific negative stimulus (Wikipedia).
As it relates to dating and relationships, people are afraid of many things for many reasons. Whatever the individual case may be, what I’ve found to be the most common reasons people fear anything or anyone is because of its ability to reveal truth and happiness.
We all know the notorious scene from the movie, A Few Good Men, when the characters played by Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson are in a heated court-room argument. Tom demands to be told the truth when Jack replies, “You can’t handle the truth!” Many of us fear searching for the truth because what we may or may not find could be out of our control. However, the truth can only be discovered when we are open-minded and realistic about the outcome.
Happiness, on the other hand, is not something you search for; it isn’t something that can be given to you. Instead, happiness should be defined by your ability to maintain a positive outlook in every situation.
I’ve known a lot of people to remain within a deteriorating relationship because they feared the ultimate heartache of being alone and/or having to “start from scratch” in finding and trusting in someone new. Conversely, I’ve come in contact with those who remain single because of their fear to commit. It is when the ideals of both internal struggles coincide that causes an external conflict between two people.
Since the beginning of their five-year relationship, Joy* searched for clues to prove that her man was cheating. She couldn’t fathom the thought of one man being satisfied with one person. Her actions were an attempt to avoid the disappointment that resulted from a failed relationship between her parents. Yet when her boyfriend finally confessed to cheating, she stayed with him. Her reasons for staying weren’t in hopes that she could work with him through his bouts of infidelity, but for fear of having to share with and learn someone new coupled with the feeling of being unwanted by anyone else.
To overcome fear, one must inherit an attribute of courage. We have a tendency to talk ourselves out of bravery because we fear that of which we’ve yet to experience. Many of us would rather walk blindly in our comfort zone of misery, because it is to what we’re accustomed, than to be exposed to something different and unfamiliar.
Think about how fear has interfered in your relationship(s) and/or how it has hindered the development of one. As mentioned before, no one is immune from possessing a spirit of fear. However, before we can even imagine experiencing the emotion of love with another person, we must learn not to surrender to fear and instead lean on the other “f” word…faith.
“A man without fear is a fool. But, a man that succumbs to his fear is a coward.” –Unknown
Live.Love.Learn...and then repeat!
*Name has been changed to protect the individual's identity.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Dear Ms. Wright
Dear Ms. Wright,
I live with my boyfriend and although I love him, right now, I don’t like him. He lacks the common sense that I believe is necessary in a relationship and I find myself taking my frustration out on him. Sometimes I feel like I’m not cut out for a relationship. Every time I think I need to leave and just cut my ties, he will turn around and do or say something that will make me realize I can’t just give up and quit. He will do something that will wake me up to realize it is not going to be easy, I may not have what my parents had right away and that it will take time and effort. He’s a good guy, just last week he cooked dinner with candles and wine. But most times, I get bored and there are things that I want to do in life that a relationship may hinder. I feel like I’m the guy in the relationship. I think any normal female has it in her nature to give to others first and take care of herself last, but I’m the opposite. I don’t know what to do, if I should leave or go.
Lost in Love, age 24.
Dear Lost in Love,
Two things to which I have to bring immediate attention: A guy once quoted me a phrase that stuck, “To expect more than will ever come always brings disappointment.” Unfortunately, we can't expect a lot from men...hell, from anyone. What one may consider common sense, another may consider rocket science. Common sense can’t be taught, it is something you either have or you don't. Don’t expect him to know what you want from him, communicate it. Secondly, you implied that because he cooks nice meals for you, and the like, and because you aren’t as emotionally invested, that you are the “guy” in the relationship. We have to get out of the habit of assigning certain roles for men and women in relationships, myself included. Be careful of what you say as not to degrade the worth and work of some women or take away credit due to some men.
It sounds like the two of you are viewing the relationship with two different perspectives, but don’t worry, this tends to be very common. Most times, couples are quick to declare being on the same page with their mate, yet in fact, they’re on the same page in two totally different books, ya dig? If you want to be with him, it’s going to take a compromise. Since you’ve made the conscious decision to no longer be single, it’s time to start considering his wants and needs. If you don’t think you can do that, then love him enough to leave him alone. There are plenty of women out there that complain about not being able to find the man that you now have at home.
Before considering his, are you clear on your own wants and needs? My suggestion is that you both write out a list of life goals. I know you live together, but find some time to be alone and write one list of aspirations for the year and then a five-year plan. When you’ve both completed your lists, sit down together and compare. Yes, this sounds corny and typical, but trust me, it can work. Be sure that you’re making a personal list and writing down goals for you, as an individual. As you read over each goal, see how the other person can help or hinder you from obtaining it and make take mental notes. Make another list that encompasses what you want and need from a relationship. Post the lists on the refrigerator or on the bathroom mirror, a place where you both can refer to them often. Check things off as you accomplish them. For every goal you reach with his help, celebrate together and measure how much of a complement he is to your life versus a detriment.
You’re right in saying that most women are naturally givers and nurturers, but at this point in your life, it’s okay to be selfish. It's hard for some to fathom, but it's absolutely necessary, especially at our age. We're young. We can't possibly help others if we have yet to help ourselves. Now is the time to take care of and establish ourselves as individuals before we are placed in situations where it is our sole responsibility to help others, like marriage and parenthood. Remember, being selfish doesn't equate to being a bitch. So if it helps, instead of using the word selfish, let’s substitute it for sufficient. I have a friend who once said, “If you don't have anything to bring to the table don't even ask to be seated.” It’s perfectly fine to feel that loving you means more to you than loving him. But if that is the case, don’t waste any more of his or your time.
Good luck and remember to live, love, learn…and then repeat!
I live with my boyfriend and although I love him, right now, I don’t like him. He lacks the common sense that I believe is necessary in a relationship and I find myself taking my frustration out on him. Sometimes I feel like I’m not cut out for a relationship. Every time I think I need to leave and just cut my ties, he will turn around and do or say something that will make me realize I can’t just give up and quit. He will do something that will wake me up to realize it is not going to be easy, I may not have what my parents had right away and that it will take time and effort. He’s a good guy, just last week he cooked dinner with candles and wine. But most times, I get bored and there are things that I want to do in life that a relationship may hinder. I feel like I’m the guy in the relationship. I think any normal female has it in her nature to give to others first and take care of herself last, but I’m the opposite. I don’t know what to do, if I should leave or go.
Lost in Love, age 24.
Dear Lost in Love,
Two things to which I have to bring immediate attention: A guy once quoted me a phrase that stuck, “To expect more than will ever come always brings disappointment.” Unfortunately, we can't expect a lot from men...hell, from anyone. What one may consider common sense, another may consider rocket science. Common sense can’t be taught, it is something you either have or you don't. Don’t expect him to know what you want from him, communicate it. Secondly, you implied that because he cooks nice meals for you, and the like, and because you aren’t as emotionally invested, that you are the “guy” in the relationship. We have to get out of the habit of assigning certain roles for men and women in relationships, myself included. Be careful of what you say as not to degrade the worth and work of some women or take away credit due to some men.
It sounds like the two of you are viewing the relationship with two different perspectives, but don’t worry, this tends to be very common. Most times, couples are quick to declare being on the same page with their mate, yet in fact, they’re on the same page in two totally different books, ya dig? If you want to be with him, it’s going to take a compromise. Since you’ve made the conscious decision to no longer be single, it’s time to start considering his wants and needs. If you don’t think you can do that, then love him enough to leave him alone. There are plenty of women out there that complain about not being able to find the man that you now have at home.
Before considering his, are you clear on your own wants and needs? My suggestion is that you both write out a list of life goals. I know you live together, but find some time to be alone and write one list of aspirations for the year and then a five-year plan. When you’ve both completed your lists, sit down together and compare. Yes, this sounds corny and typical, but trust me, it can work. Be sure that you’re making a personal list and writing down goals for you, as an individual. As you read over each goal, see how the other person can help or hinder you from obtaining it and make take mental notes. Make another list that encompasses what you want and need from a relationship. Post the lists on the refrigerator or on the bathroom mirror, a place where you both can refer to them often. Check things off as you accomplish them. For every goal you reach with his help, celebrate together and measure how much of a complement he is to your life versus a detriment.
You’re right in saying that most women are naturally givers and nurturers, but at this point in your life, it’s okay to be selfish. It's hard for some to fathom, but it's absolutely necessary, especially at our age. We're young. We can't possibly help others if we have yet to help ourselves. Now is the time to take care of and establish ourselves as individuals before we are placed in situations where it is our sole responsibility to help others, like marriage and parenthood. Remember, being selfish doesn't equate to being a bitch. So if it helps, instead of using the word selfish, let’s substitute it for sufficient. I have a friend who once said, “If you don't have anything to bring to the table don't even ask to be seated.” It’s perfectly fine to feel that loving you means more to you than loving him. But if that is the case, don’t waste any more of his or your time.
Good luck and remember to live, love, learn…and then repeat!
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Sorry I Left You…
So it’s been well over a month since I’ve posted a blog. To all of you who’ve been asking me about a new post, I apologize for the delay and I appreciate you sticking with me. Long story short, in a short amount of time I had some major life changes occur. While they were all positive changes, the whirlwind has taken its toll on me and I got into a routine and comfortable in my new environment and therefore neglected uLive.uLove.uLearn. But this example, and some others I’ve come across lately, has pulled me back to my laptop to write. How many times have things been just right in our relationships to where we get comfortable with the way things are and in turn, take those things and people for granted?
I have a friend who has been dating her man exclusively for about a year. Their dating situation may have started off a little differently than most, as he was already committed to someone else when they started dating. Apparently, the situation became too overwhelming for her and she fought tooth and nail, literally, to claim him as her own. Fast forward a year, they are now an exclusive couple, but her fire and desire for him has since fizzled. It makes perfect sense. We’ve all been in situations where we’ve wanted something we couldn’t have and once we got it, we didn’t want it anymore. The very thing we thought we couldn’t be without, we later found out we never needed to begin with. It’s the law of attraction, the thrill of the chase.
None of us should be naïve to think the honeymoon phase lasts forever. Musiq said it best when he sang, “everything is cool when love is all brand new…” In the beginning, you’re learning each other and things are fresh and exciting. But after a while that great thing fades into a good thing. And slowly but surely, if you let it, finishing each other’s sentences goes from being cute to predictable and hardly ever spontaneous and thus, boredom starts to settle. Know this: It’s not what you do to keep it new, it’s what you don’t do to keep it from getting old. Okay, so that was about as deep as a dinner plate, but what I mean is, don’t get so ‘laxed to the point that you start to take the one you love for granted. I don’t mean for you to be on edge. What I’m suggesting is that you do things that you know you’ll be able to maintain over the course of the relationship and if there are something that you know you can’t uphold, pull those treats out for special occasions.
For example, I’m sure the majority of my female readers have all seen the Sex and the City movie (if you haven’t, stop reading and see it immediately). Ladies, DO NOT turn into a Miranda! If you have a man who absolutely adores you, show him you care and if you do nothing else, keep that “situation” under control, PLEASE! The flirty panty and bra sets you used to sport should not have turned into granny panties over the course of your bond with one another. There is a level of comfort in every relationship, but damn, some things should just never change. And if you must wear granny panties, and we all own a pair, please, for his sake, don’t make it a routine. We all know how sexy lingerie not only looks, but makes us feel. It’s the same way a stiletto shoe adds an extra bounce of swagger in our step. It will be reflected in the way you carry yourself and, trust me, he’ll appreciate you for it.
Aside from the obvious, there are so many other factors that can drive a wedge in a relationship and most times, it’s due to comfort which, inevitably, leads to neglect (see “The Relationship Life Cycle” (Jan. 2008)). But fear not, this is something that you can control. Throw a couple curve balls in the relationship to keep the party going. Finding new ways to love the one your with may not be easy, but it can also be so much fun!
Live, Love, Learn…and then repeat!
Song for thought: "Comfortable," Lil' Wayne ft. Babyface
I have a friend who has been dating her man exclusively for about a year. Their dating situation may have started off a little differently than most, as he was already committed to someone else when they started dating. Apparently, the situation became too overwhelming for her and she fought tooth and nail, literally, to claim him as her own. Fast forward a year, they are now an exclusive couple, but her fire and desire for him has since fizzled. It makes perfect sense. We’ve all been in situations where we’ve wanted something we couldn’t have and once we got it, we didn’t want it anymore. The very thing we thought we couldn’t be without, we later found out we never needed to begin with. It’s the law of attraction, the thrill of the chase.
None of us should be naïve to think the honeymoon phase lasts forever. Musiq said it best when he sang, “everything is cool when love is all brand new…” In the beginning, you’re learning each other and things are fresh and exciting. But after a while that great thing fades into a good thing. And slowly but surely, if you let it, finishing each other’s sentences goes from being cute to predictable and hardly ever spontaneous and thus, boredom starts to settle. Know this: It’s not what you do to keep it new, it’s what you don’t do to keep it from getting old. Okay, so that was about as deep as a dinner plate, but what I mean is, don’t get so ‘laxed to the point that you start to take the one you love for granted. I don’t mean for you to be on edge. What I’m suggesting is that you do things that you know you’ll be able to maintain over the course of the relationship and if there are something that you know you can’t uphold, pull those treats out for special occasions.
For example, I’m sure the majority of my female readers have all seen the Sex and the City movie (if you haven’t, stop reading and see it immediately). Ladies, DO NOT turn into a Miranda! If you have a man who absolutely adores you, show him you care and if you do nothing else, keep that “situation” under control, PLEASE! The flirty panty and bra sets you used to sport should not have turned into granny panties over the course of your bond with one another. There is a level of comfort in every relationship, but damn, some things should just never change. And if you must wear granny panties, and we all own a pair, please, for his sake, don’t make it a routine. We all know how sexy lingerie not only looks, but makes us feel. It’s the same way a stiletto shoe adds an extra bounce of swagger in our step. It will be reflected in the way you carry yourself and, trust me, he’ll appreciate you for it.
Aside from the obvious, there are so many other factors that can drive a wedge in a relationship and most times, it’s due to comfort which, inevitably, leads to neglect (see “The Relationship Life Cycle” (Jan. 2008)). But fear not, this is something that you can control. Throw a couple curve balls in the relationship to keep the party going. Finding new ways to love the one your with may not be easy, but it can also be so much fun!
Live, Love, Learn…and then repeat!
Song for thought: "Comfortable," Lil' Wayne ft. Babyface
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Be the Perfect Boyfriend…
A reader forwarded me this...it's cute and funny. Enjoy!
By Amy Spencer
It’s amazing how much my “ideal boyfriend” list has changed over the years. Just to give you an idea, here’s a sample of what I’ve looked for in the past:
Perfect boyfriend list circa 1986: Cute. On lacrosse team. And, like, totally likes me. Perfect boyfriend list circa 1996: Has a great job. Social. Lives in same city. Perfect boyfriend list circa 2006: Big heart. Faithful. Fun. Potentially a great dad.
Even now, with all we know of love and life, when women start listing what we’re looking for in a guy, it still usually starts with his looks, his location, his job, or OK, maybe his sense of humor. But the truth is that any man – any height, any place, any job – can be the perfect boyfriend if he expresses the qualities that women really want. The things that speak to our hearts and affect us on a daily, weekly or monthly basis: The things we often forget we want in a guy until we see a John Cusack movie.
So I dug into my past experiences (good and bad) and talked to other women about what they’re looking for to come up with an ideal list. If we put one perfect boyfriend on order, here’s what comes with the package.
Read more at: Be the perfect boyfriend...
By Amy Spencer
It’s amazing how much my “ideal boyfriend” list has changed over the years. Just to give you an idea, here’s a sample of what I’ve looked for in the past:
Perfect boyfriend list circa 1986: Cute. On lacrosse team. And, like, totally likes me. Perfect boyfriend list circa 1996: Has a great job. Social. Lives in same city. Perfect boyfriend list circa 2006: Big heart. Faithful. Fun. Potentially a great dad.
Even now, with all we know of love and life, when women start listing what we’re looking for in a guy, it still usually starts with his looks, his location, his job, or OK, maybe his sense of humor. But the truth is that any man – any height, any place, any job – can be the perfect boyfriend if he expresses the qualities that women really want. The things that speak to our hearts and affect us on a daily, weekly or monthly basis: The things we often forget we want in a guy until we see a John Cusack movie.
So I dug into my past experiences (good and bad) and talked to other women about what they’re looking for to come up with an ideal list. If we put one perfect boyfriend on order, here’s what comes with the package.
Read more at: Be the perfect boyfriend...
Monday, March 31, 2008
When Giving Up Is Hard to Do
It’s never easy saying goodbye to someone you care about. What can make it even more difficult is knowing you may never see them again; or as in my case, realizing they may never see you. But I’m not using the word “see” in the literal sense. Instead, I’m implying that they may never see you for more than meets the eye because of whatever personal matters are obstructing their view. And overtime, you will come to a point when you have to decide whether or not to make one last attempt to give it your all in an effort to open their eyes or to completely give it up; keeping in mind that it may actually mean the end.
I firmly believe that people are in your life for a reason, season or lifetime. And it's been said that as soon as you discover a person’s term in your life as anything short of a lifetime, you should refrain from keeping them around past their expiration date. And although this sounds simple in theory, I realize now, more than ever, how difficult letting go may be, particularly when the person once came in the form of a good friend.
Until recently, I was an extremely guarded and apprehensive person when it came to dating. Because of the unfulfilled relationships I’d been involved with in the past; it was difficult for me to want to be open-minded about a successful one. I knew I wanted a monogamous, committed and loving relationship, yet internally, I struggled with the emotional investment that it entailed. As I saw it, to be emotional meant to show vulnerability and vulnerable I was not! I’d spent so much time trying to figure out how and why men think and act the way they do, devoting little to no sentiment, that I was becoming the “man” in dating relationships. It got to the point where my friends, both men and women, wanted to date like me; coming to me for advice. Then I met him.
I’ve played against some pretty good competition before. I’ve won some and have definitely lost some. But for the first time, I’d finally met my match. I’m talking about the guy who makes you not even want to play the game anymore. All the strategies I’d picked up, all the rules I’d vowed to stick by…they all went out the window. There was something different about how he made me feel that let me know it was worth a try. I knew that if I treated this situation like every other, trying to be anyone other than myself; I’d be wasting my time. I was going to not only show him, but more importantly prove to myself that I was ready for what I claimed I wanted all along. The risk would be finding out exactly who I was in the process and even exposing flaws at times. But a great risk can bring great reward and all I could do was hope that he’d appreciate the person I’d become when it was all said and done.
Today, I am an emotionally sincere and more confident woman than I was four months ago. I have a better sense of what it takes and how it feels to be ready for the relationship I desire. I have grown a lot in a short period of time all because I found someone worth growing for…me. For his help in getting me to this point, I am thankful. But there’s nothing more difficult than having to accept that while you’ve been making progress, the other person remains stagnant due to the issues that still cloud their own vision. And no matter how bright your new light may shine, if they don't open their eyes, they'll never see.
Giving up is hard to do, especially when you believe so strongly in the potential that you both exhibit. But sometimes it’s necessary to give up some things and people in order to make room for what’s better. Being the hopeless romantic that I am, I still wait for the day that he’ll truly notice me. And if I’ve moved on when that time comes, I have faith that if it’s meant to be, he’ll come find me. But should that day never arrive, I have the pleasure of knowing that because of this situation, I am a better person. I gave it my all and, therefore, I’m left with no regrets.
If you’re holding back from someone that you know deserves more from you, by all means, stop procrastinating and be proactive in allowing them get to know the real you. Let go of the things that distract you from happiness. I stand by what I wrote in the beginning of the year: “A reward comes to those who unselfishly give of themselves to others…if you give it your best effort, the return can be quite worthwhile.” And even if things don’t work in your favor in this circumstance, take what you’ve learned and invest with the change you've been given. Your “return” may come in a different and greater form than the one you initially expected.
uLive.uLove.uLearn…and then repeat!
Song for thought: “Givin’ Up” originally by Donny Hathaway OR "Givin' Up" performed by Jennifer Holliday
I firmly believe that people are in your life for a reason, season or lifetime. And it's been said that as soon as you discover a person’s term in your life as anything short of a lifetime, you should refrain from keeping them around past their expiration date. And although this sounds simple in theory, I realize now, more than ever, how difficult letting go may be, particularly when the person once came in the form of a good friend.
Until recently, I was an extremely guarded and apprehensive person when it came to dating. Because of the unfulfilled relationships I’d been involved with in the past; it was difficult for me to want to be open-minded about a successful one. I knew I wanted a monogamous, committed and loving relationship, yet internally, I struggled with the emotional investment that it entailed. As I saw it, to be emotional meant to show vulnerability and vulnerable I was not! I’d spent so much time trying to figure out how and why men think and act the way they do, devoting little to no sentiment, that I was becoming the “man” in dating relationships. It got to the point where my friends, both men and women, wanted to date like me; coming to me for advice. Then I met him.
I’ve played against some pretty good competition before. I’ve won some and have definitely lost some. But for the first time, I’d finally met my match. I’m talking about the guy who makes you not even want to play the game anymore. All the strategies I’d picked up, all the rules I’d vowed to stick by…they all went out the window. There was something different about how he made me feel that let me know it was worth a try. I knew that if I treated this situation like every other, trying to be anyone other than myself; I’d be wasting my time. I was going to not only show him, but more importantly prove to myself that I was ready for what I claimed I wanted all along. The risk would be finding out exactly who I was in the process and even exposing flaws at times. But a great risk can bring great reward and all I could do was hope that he’d appreciate the person I’d become when it was all said and done.
Today, I am an emotionally sincere and more confident woman than I was four months ago. I have a better sense of what it takes and how it feels to be ready for the relationship I desire. I have grown a lot in a short period of time all because I found someone worth growing for…me. For his help in getting me to this point, I am thankful. But there’s nothing more difficult than having to accept that while you’ve been making progress, the other person remains stagnant due to the issues that still cloud their own vision. And no matter how bright your new light may shine, if they don't open their eyes, they'll never see.
Giving up is hard to do, especially when you believe so strongly in the potential that you both exhibit. But sometimes it’s necessary to give up some things and people in order to make room for what’s better. Being the hopeless romantic that I am, I still wait for the day that he’ll truly notice me. And if I’ve moved on when that time comes, I have faith that if it’s meant to be, he’ll come find me. But should that day never arrive, I have the pleasure of knowing that because of this situation, I am a better person. I gave it my all and, therefore, I’m left with no regrets.
If you’re holding back from someone that you know deserves more from you, by all means, stop procrastinating and be proactive in allowing them get to know the real you. Let go of the things that distract you from happiness. I stand by what I wrote in the beginning of the year: “A reward comes to those who unselfishly give of themselves to others…if you give it your best effort, the return can be quite worthwhile.” And even if things don’t work in your favor in this circumstance, take what you’ve learned and invest with the change you've been given. Your “return” may come in a different and greater form than the one you initially expected.
uLive.uLove.uLearn…and then repeat!
Song for thought: “Givin’ Up” originally by Donny Hathaway OR "Givin' Up" performed by Jennifer Holliday
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Is He the One? (part two)
One of my readers sent me this. It couldn't have come at a better time! It's important to be mindful that as we ask this question of others, we are exhibiting an answered "yes" to a person of significance that may ask this question of us. Read, reflect and if necessary, re-evaluate...
Is He the One?...The Right One?
First we must allow our Heavenly Father to do the picking. And second, the decision for a mate must be made on a spiritual and intellectual basis before it's made on an emotional one.
"What about love? Shouldn't that be the third? you ask. No, and I'll tell you why. "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17:9).
The heart is willful and is driven by its own agenda. It does not consider things rationally and intelligently it just loves to love! Therefore you have to point it in the right direction: "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the well spring of life" (Proverbs 4:23)! Whenever you meet a man, you need to get clearance from God, check out his attributes, and then allow your heart to engage.
Dating exists not for mating; it exists for collecting data. I believe that the biblical design would be friendship, courtship and then marriage. Friendship is two people walking together in agreement and accountability, learning and growing together. Courtship follows the mutual agreement to commit to one another exclusively - it is the decisive turning toward the agreed-upon goal of the marriage altar. It is a period of laying a foundation and preparing your life together after marriage. But dating? Well, if you do date, use the time wisely to gather these facts.
1. Check out the fabric. Is the person mate material? Does this man have an intimate relationship with the Father through Jesus Christ? Does he care what God thinks about his behavior? Is he accountable to God as well as another co-laborer in the faith? Accountability is an important factor. It is imperative to maintaining a committed relationship. Is your potential spouse a member of the same family - the family of God?
You need to have common interests and values and agree on the essentials of living day to day. You have a similar spiritual walk. You eat the same spiritual diet. You enjoy a lot of similar things. You have like interests, like goals in life, like opinions on basic life issues. You have had like experiences in your background. Though there is some truth to the idiom that opposites attract, like-minded folks fare better together. Furthermore, does he want to get married? If you want to be married and your dreamboat isn't interested, don't waste your time.
Remember, women fall in love and get married. Men decide to get married and then look for a wife. Note the difference in order. So if a guy says he's not looking for anything serious, take his words seriously. If he's not going in your direction, get off the bus and wait for the right one.
2. Does this man want you? Is he pursuing you? The man who is right for you will pursue you, and God's hand in the relationship will be clear. No guessing, no fleeces, no dead ends. Scripture says: "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord" (Proverbs 18:22).
Note -who finds whom? THE MAN FINDS THE WIFE. From the beginning of time, God has transported men and women across the world in order to put them together.
At the RIGHT TIME, He will bring that man on the scene and he will find you. In God's perfect design, the man is the one who recognizes his mate. Adam had no problem recognizing that Eve was his missing rib. You do not need to strategically place yourself anywhere. You don't have to help a guy out because he's shy! Men will do whatever they have to do to get what they truly want. The man in your life should recognize you as the pearl of great price in his life and be willing to do whatever he must in order to gain your hand. If he is passive about gaining your affections, take it as a sign that he is not interested.
Many a woman's mother has suggested that it is a good idea to marry a man who loves you more than you love him. As cold as that sounds, it actually might be scriptural if you stop to think about it: "We love him because he first loved us" (1 John 4:19). Until then, take the ultimate chill pill . You don't need a bunch of men in your life to make you feel all right about yourself. You need only one man - your man, the one God has selected to select you. And trust me, the right man at the wrong time can be just as awful as the wrong man at any time. So trust God's timing in this. He is the ultimate matchmaker. Relax, sit pretty and allow yourself to be found. Again - WAIT until the man voices his intentions. He should take the lead in establishing the relationship. You may have an inkling that he is the one, but God will use the man to set the tone of the relationship. Allow him the opportunity to woo you - this is your first act of submission. Jesus set the standard for all men to follow. They should love us first. And they should lead the relationship.
3. The man in your life should not desire to move into your house, only into your heart . A man who prepares for your future has made his intentions clear. A man who is husband material has the means to take care of a wife. He is a responsible human being who understands he needs to have something to offer. In short, a man should have the means to be a suitable lover for you.
4. Check out his buddies. Everyone knows birds of the same feather flock together, yet most women fail to see the connection between a man and his friends. A man's pals tell you a lot about the person that you haven't seen yet. They reveal things about the guy's character that might be hidden when he is on good behavior. Everyone knows how to put his best foot forward. Don't stay focused on the foot, check out the rest of the body!
5. Check out his relationship with his mother. How does he treat her? This is your preview of how he will treat you. There are lots of men who, because of a negative relationship with their mothers, really don't like women, yet say they do. Unresolved issues between mother and son continue between husband and wife.
6. Remember that a man's family reveals the cloth from which he's cut. Take note and decide whether you want your future with the man in your life to look like his present family situation.
7. Check out the patterns of his life. Do you see repeated cycles of drama in his personal kingdom? Broken relationships? Problems in making commitments --including the job market? Mood swings? Is a problem always someone else's fault? Does he embrace responsibility or shirk it? Does he keep his promises? Is he a man of good reputation? Remember all garments look wonderful hanging in the store, but with wear, some begin to unravel. Give yourself time and space to check out the man in your life. Time will always reveal whether or not he is made of the right stuff.
8. Does this man have a vision for his life? Is he running with that vision? Remember, God decided Adam needed help once Adam got busy DOING his assignment. As we saw Adam, a man doesn't need help until he is busy doing what he was created and called to do. Is the man in your life guided by sense of destiny and purpose, or does he just allow life to happen around him? A man who is not certain of his mission can be a most miserable person - and you'll be miserable too if you don't know where YOU want to go in life. A man who has vision is not intimidated by a woman whose mission statement is clear. He will be your best ally, cheerleader and assistant because he wants you both to make it! A man who cannot be supportive of your achievements because he is floundering in a sea of uncertainty over his own life is not a healthy partner to have and to hold forever.
Creating dependencies or feelings of obligation is not the way to get the best out of your man. Somewhere along the way, he will resent you and flee from the smothering burden of obligation he associates you with. You want a man who is firmly anchored in his identity in Christ. Remember, we are looking for a man who will be priest and leader of his home. His first instinct should be to want to cover you, redeem you, and provide for you. Your job is to decide if this is the man God has ordained for you to complement.
9. Complimentary. Do your talents and gifts complement his? Do his gifts, compliment yours? What about your temperaments? Do you see the two of you as an effective team capable of bringing blessing to the lives of those around you? Do your futures mesh? Can you coordinate your gifts in an attractive and effective way?
This is why knowing your purpose is so important. Make sure your hearts beat for mutual causes. When I go shopping I always consider the fabric, the fit and what I already have in my closet. Will my next purchase be a complimentary addition to what I already have? If I find that I am going to have to buy shoes and matching accessories to go with a new outfit, I leave it right on the rack. It is too expensive a proposition. If the man you meet makes you feel that you need to completely reinvent yourself, something is wrong.
This is where I ask you to consider the relationship in terms of cost. Is this relationship expensive spiritually, emotional or physically? Does your longing for a mate make you willing to forfeit who you are in the process? Or does he see you as the gift that you are? The man in your life should consider you a rare find, a priceless jewel-because of you he is getting ready to get blessed big-time! Any relationship that causes you to feel unworthy, unlovely, unacceptable, undesirable or that you have to work for love, is too expensive!
God has called the man to cover, protect and provide not only materially for a woman, but emotionally and spiritually as well. You should be richer in mind, body and spirit for your union with the man of your dreams. The man in your life should make rich deposits into your heart and spirit, not withdrawals.
10. Does he have a healthy love and acceptance of himself? Make sure the man in your life has taken time to heal from past relationships and has made peace with himself. How he cares for himself is how he will care for you. A man's relationship with God is crucial here. His love for himself will only be as strong as his love for God. This is not something that you can impart. You cannot be his savior or teacher. That is out of spiritual order. In his rightful place as your personal priest, he should be leading you to a richer relationship with Christ. If he is causing you to compromise your faith and destabilize your walk, if he is leading you into sexual sin or causing you to be distracted from your commitment to God, the relationship is too expensive. Offending the Lover of your soul, who promises you eternal love, is too high a fare to pay for a ride that has a limited run. If you and your man can't soar in the Spirit, when the force of your love for another is tested by the pull or gravity of the world, your union will not be able to survive.
So you decide. How much is your life worth? How much is your love worth? You will be able to accept only what you believe you deserve. God himself calculated the worth of your love and decided it was worth His life. He now pledges you His love for eternity. Yes, Jesus sets the example for all others to follow when He paid a ransom for His bride. Should you expect less from a mortal man? Throughout the Biblical age, men were willing to pay the cost for what they truly desired. The truth of the matter is everyone knows that anything worth having, costs and no one gets a ride in this life for free.
Our prayer:
Dear Heavenly Father,
I confess that I have not always been as careful as I should've been with my heart. From time to time, my desire for love has caused me to leave my heart in the wrong hands. I now commit my heart into Your hands for safekeeping. Please help me to stop being so impulsive with what you deem so precious. As I learn to celebrate Your love for me, let me learn from Your example what a bridegroom should really be like. Help me to never settle for less than what you desire for me. As I embrace You as the Lover of my soul, keep my affections in the haven of Your own heart. As I rest in Your love, make me more discriminating of those who approach me.
I ask that You take over this area of my life. Keep me from those You know would hurt my heart. I invite You to set a hedge around me and keep me from all who would draw me into unfruitful relationships until the day you present me to the mate that You have selected for me. Grant me the discernment to recognize him as he recognizes me. Cleanse me from the temptation to typecast the men I meet according to what I see. Help me to trust in Your knowledge and lean not on my own understanding. I know that You know what is best for me; therefore I yield to Your choice.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen.
Ladies, this is something you should definitely share with a friend, whether you are single or married... It is something to think about when you ask is "he" the one!
Is He the One?...The Right One?
First we must allow our Heavenly Father to do the picking. And second, the decision for a mate must be made on a spiritual and intellectual basis before it's made on an emotional one.
"What about love? Shouldn't that be the third? you ask. No, and I'll tell you why. "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17:9).
The heart is willful and is driven by its own agenda. It does not consider things rationally and intelligently it just loves to love! Therefore you have to point it in the right direction: "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the well spring of life" (Proverbs 4:23)! Whenever you meet a man, you need to get clearance from God, check out his attributes, and then allow your heart to engage.
Dating exists not for mating; it exists for collecting data. I believe that the biblical design would be friendship, courtship and then marriage. Friendship is two people walking together in agreement and accountability, learning and growing together. Courtship follows the mutual agreement to commit to one another exclusively - it is the decisive turning toward the agreed-upon goal of the marriage altar. It is a period of laying a foundation and preparing your life together after marriage. But dating? Well, if you do date, use the time wisely to gather these facts.
1. Check out the fabric. Is the person mate material? Does this man have an intimate relationship with the Father through Jesus Christ? Does he care what God thinks about his behavior? Is he accountable to God as well as another co-laborer in the faith? Accountability is an important factor. It is imperative to maintaining a committed relationship. Is your potential spouse a member of the same family - the family of God?
You need to have common interests and values and agree on the essentials of living day to day. You have a similar spiritual walk. You eat the same spiritual diet. You enjoy a lot of similar things. You have like interests, like goals in life, like opinions on basic life issues. You have had like experiences in your background. Though there is some truth to the idiom that opposites attract, like-minded folks fare better together. Furthermore, does he want to get married? If you want to be married and your dreamboat isn't interested, don't waste your time.
Remember, women fall in love and get married. Men decide to get married and then look for a wife. Note the difference in order. So if a guy says he's not looking for anything serious, take his words seriously. If he's not going in your direction, get off the bus and wait for the right one.
2. Does this man want you? Is he pursuing you? The man who is right for you will pursue you, and God's hand in the relationship will be clear. No guessing, no fleeces, no dead ends. Scripture says: "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord" (Proverbs 18:22).
Note -who finds whom? THE MAN FINDS THE WIFE. From the beginning of time, God has transported men and women across the world in order to put them together.
At the RIGHT TIME, He will bring that man on the scene and he will find you. In God's perfect design, the man is the one who recognizes his mate. Adam had no problem recognizing that Eve was his missing rib. You do not need to strategically place yourself anywhere. You don't have to help a guy out because he's shy! Men will do whatever they have to do to get what they truly want. The man in your life should recognize you as the pearl of great price in his life and be willing to do whatever he must in order to gain your hand. If he is passive about gaining your affections, take it as a sign that he is not interested.
Many a woman's mother has suggested that it is a good idea to marry a man who loves you more than you love him. As cold as that sounds, it actually might be scriptural if you stop to think about it: "We love him because he first loved us" (1 John 4:19). Until then, take the ultimate chill pill . You don't need a bunch of men in your life to make you feel all right about yourself. You need only one man - your man, the one God has selected to select you. And trust me, the right man at the wrong time can be just as awful as the wrong man at any time. So trust God's timing in this. He is the ultimate matchmaker. Relax, sit pretty and allow yourself to be found. Again - WAIT until the man voices his intentions. He should take the lead in establishing the relationship. You may have an inkling that he is the one, but God will use the man to set the tone of the relationship. Allow him the opportunity to woo you - this is your first act of submission. Jesus set the standard for all men to follow. They should love us first. And they should lead the relationship.
3. The man in your life should not desire to move into your house, only into your heart . A man who prepares for your future has made his intentions clear. A man who is husband material has the means to take care of a wife. He is a responsible human being who understands he needs to have something to offer. In short, a man should have the means to be a suitable lover for you.
4. Check out his buddies. Everyone knows birds of the same feather flock together, yet most women fail to see the connection between a man and his friends. A man's pals tell you a lot about the person that you haven't seen yet. They reveal things about the guy's character that might be hidden when he is on good behavior. Everyone knows how to put his best foot forward. Don't stay focused on the foot, check out the rest of the body!
5. Check out his relationship with his mother. How does he treat her? This is your preview of how he will treat you. There are lots of men who, because of a negative relationship with their mothers, really don't like women, yet say they do. Unresolved issues between mother and son continue between husband and wife.
6. Remember that a man's family reveals the cloth from which he's cut. Take note and decide whether you want your future with the man in your life to look like his present family situation.
7. Check out the patterns of his life. Do you see repeated cycles of drama in his personal kingdom? Broken relationships? Problems in making commitments --including the job market? Mood swings? Is a problem always someone else's fault? Does he embrace responsibility or shirk it? Does he keep his promises? Is he a man of good reputation? Remember all garments look wonderful hanging in the store, but with wear, some begin to unravel. Give yourself time and space to check out the man in your life. Time will always reveal whether or not he is made of the right stuff.
8. Does this man have a vision for his life? Is he running with that vision? Remember, God decided Adam needed help once Adam got busy DOING his assignment. As we saw Adam, a man doesn't need help until he is busy doing what he was created and called to do. Is the man in your life guided by sense of destiny and purpose, or does he just allow life to happen around him? A man who is not certain of his mission can be a most miserable person - and you'll be miserable too if you don't know where YOU want to go in life. A man who has vision is not intimidated by a woman whose mission statement is clear. He will be your best ally, cheerleader and assistant because he wants you both to make it! A man who cannot be supportive of your achievements because he is floundering in a sea of uncertainty over his own life is not a healthy partner to have and to hold forever.
Creating dependencies or feelings of obligation is not the way to get the best out of your man. Somewhere along the way, he will resent you and flee from the smothering burden of obligation he associates you with. You want a man who is firmly anchored in his identity in Christ. Remember, we are looking for a man who will be priest and leader of his home. His first instinct should be to want to cover you, redeem you, and provide for you. Your job is to decide if this is the man God has ordained for you to complement.
9. Complimentary. Do your talents and gifts complement his? Do his gifts, compliment yours? What about your temperaments? Do you see the two of you as an effective team capable of bringing blessing to the lives of those around you? Do your futures mesh? Can you coordinate your gifts in an attractive and effective way?
This is why knowing your purpose is so important. Make sure your hearts beat for mutual causes. When I go shopping I always consider the fabric, the fit and what I already have in my closet. Will my next purchase be a complimentary addition to what I already have? If I find that I am going to have to buy shoes and matching accessories to go with a new outfit, I leave it right on the rack. It is too expensive a proposition. If the man you meet makes you feel that you need to completely reinvent yourself, something is wrong.
This is where I ask you to consider the relationship in terms of cost. Is this relationship expensive spiritually, emotional or physically? Does your longing for a mate make you willing to forfeit who you are in the process? Or does he see you as the gift that you are? The man in your life should consider you a rare find, a priceless jewel-because of you he is getting ready to get blessed big-time! Any relationship that causes you to feel unworthy, unlovely, unacceptable, undesirable or that you have to work for love, is too expensive!
God has called the man to cover, protect and provide not only materially for a woman, but emotionally and spiritually as well. You should be richer in mind, body and spirit for your union with the man of your dreams. The man in your life should make rich deposits into your heart and spirit, not withdrawals.
10. Does he have a healthy love and acceptance of himself? Make sure the man in your life has taken time to heal from past relationships and has made peace with himself. How he cares for himself is how he will care for you. A man's relationship with God is crucial here. His love for himself will only be as strong as his love for God. This is not something that you can impart. You cannot be his savior or teacher. That is out of spiritual order. In his rightful place as your personal priest, he should be leading you to a richer relationship with Christ. If he is causing you to compromise your faith and destabilize your walk, if he is leading you into sexual sin or causing you to be distracted from your commitment to God, the relationship is too expensive. Offending the Lover of your soul, who promises you eternal love, is too high a fare to pay for a ride that has a limited run. If you and your man can't soar in the Spirit, when the force of your love for another is tested by the pull or gravity of the world, your union will not be able to survive.
So you decide. How much is your life worth? How much is your love worth? You will be able to accept only what you believe you deserve. God himself calculated the worth of your love and decided it was worth His life. He now pledges you His love for eternity. Yes, Jesus sets the example for all others to follow when He paid a ransom for His bride. Should you expect less from a mortal man? Throughout the Biblical age, men were willing to pay the cost for what they truly desired. The truth of the matter is everyone knows that anything worth having, costs and no one gets a ride in this life for free.
Our prayer:
Dear Heavenly Father,
I confess that I have not always been as careful as I should've been with my heart. From time to time, my desire for love has caused me to leave my heart in the wrong hands. I now commit my heart into Your hands for safekeeping. Please help me to stop being so impulsive with what you deem so precious. As I learn to celebrate Your love for me, let me learn from Your example what a bridegroom should really be like. Help me to never settle for less than what you desire for me. As I embrace You as the Lover of my soul, keep my affections in the haven of Your own heart. As I rest in Your love, make me more discriminating of those who approach me.
I ask that You take over this area of my life. Keep me from those You know would hurt my heart. I invite You to set a hedge around me and keep me from all who would draw me into unfruitful relationships until the day you present me to the mate that You have selected for me. Grant me the discernment to recognize him as he recognizes me. Cleanse me from the temptation to typecast the men I meet according to what I see. Help me to trust in Your knowledge and lean not on my own understanding. I know that You know what is best for me; therefore I yield to Your choice.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen.
Ladies, this is something you should definitely share with a friend, whether you are single or married... It is something to think about when you ask is "he" the one!
Friday, February 29, 2008
Do You Know What Today Is?
February 29th comes once every four years. Most of us know this day as Leap Year, but what I didn’t realize is that today is also Sadie Hawkins Day. Today is the day that men and women switch societal roles and the woman approaches and courts the man. It all stemmed from a comic strip called Li’l Abner, created by a man named Al Capp.
Sadie Hawkins Day is a fictional holiday that originates in Al Capp's comic strip Li'l Abner. It was a day-long event in observed in Canada and in the United States on the Saturday that follows November 9[citation needed], named after Sadie Hawkins, "the homeliest gal in all them hills." Each year on Sadie Hawkins Day the unmarried women of Dogpatch pursued the single men. If a woman caught a man and dragged him back to the starting line by sundown, he had to marry her.
In the Li'l Abner comic strip, Sadie Hawkins was the daughter of one of Dogpatch's earliest settlers, Hekzebiah Hawkins. When she reached the age of 35, still a spinster, her father in desperation called together the eligible bachelors of Dogpatch and declared that day to be Sadie Hawkins Day and that "when ah fires [my gun] all o' yo' kin start a-runnin! When ah fires agin - after givin' yo' a fair start - Sadie starts a runnin'. Th' one she ketches'll be her husband."
The town spinsters decided that this was such a good idea, they made Sadie Hawkins Day an annual event, much to the chagrin of Dogpatch bachelors everywhere.
Sadie Hawkins Day was first mentioned in the November 13, 1937 Li'l Abner strip with the race actually taking place between the November 19th and November 30th strips. It would prove to be an annual event in the strip. (Read more on Sadie Hawkins Day)
Today, ladies, is the day to burn your bras and grow some balls! Don’t be afraid to tell him how you really feel…what better time than the present? If it backfires, you’ve got another four years before you’re back to playing role reversal, but imagine if things actually work out in your favor. Good luck!
Sadie Hawkins Day is a fictional holiday that originates in Al Capp's comic strip Li'l Abner. It was a day-long event in observed in Canada and in the United States on the Saturday that follows November 9[citation needed], named after Sadie Hawkins, "the homeliest gal in all them hills." Each year on Sadie Hawkins Day the unmarried women of Dogpatch pursued the single men. If a woman caught a man and dragged him back to the starting line by sundown, he had to marry her.
In the Li'l Abner comic strip, Sadie Hawkins was the daughter of one of Dogpatch's earliest settlers, Hekzebiah Hawkins. When she reached the age of 35, still a spinster, her father in desperation called together the eligible bachelors of Dogpatch and declared that day to be Sadie Hawkins Day and that "when ah fires [my gun] all o' yo' kin start a-runnin! When ah fires agin - after givin' yo' a fair start - Sadie starts a runnin'. Th' one she ketches'll be her husband."
The town spinsters decided that this was such a good idea, they made Sadie Hawkins Day an annual event, much to the chagrin of Dogpatch bachelors everywhere.
Sadie Hawkins Day was first mentioned in the November 13, 1937 Li'l Abner strip with the race actually taking place between the November 19th and November 30th strips. It would prove to be an annual event in the strip. (Read more on Sadie Hawkins Day)
Today, ladies, is the day to burn your bras and grow some balls! Don’t be afraid to tell him how you really feel…what better time than the present? If it backfires, you’ve got another four years before you’re back to playing role reversal, but imagine if things actually work out in your favor. Good luck!
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Happy Valentine's Day?
Valentine’s Day is the internationally-celebrated day of love; the day that chocolate, flowers and an open table at restaurants are in high demand. But, let’s be real. After the flowers die, the chocolates have been picked over and the food is digested, what is there to show for? My point is, after the materialistic symbolisms for love have faded, is love still there?
After doing some research, I found that there’s actually more than one St. Valentine and that the association with lovers really stems from a poem titled, "Parlement of Foules" by Geoffrey Chaucer. “The story was set in a fictional context of an old tradition, but in fact there was no such tradition before Chaucer (Wiki).” Yes, you’ve all been duped! Of the two St. Valentines (and I believe there’s at least eleven total) honored on February 14th, neither of them are synonymous with love. So, now that we’ve established Valentine’s Day is just that, a day to honor martyred saints, what’s with all this romance business?
It’s so ironic to talk to friends that are in relationships who’d rather shy away from the commercialism created around the fourteenth of February and, on the flip side, have friends, who aren’t in relationships, insinuate wanting one on this day. Maybe the difference lies in whether or not you like or love the one you’re with…if you’re with anyone at all. The different levels of emotion cause for different types of rules. And with a certain sentiment and regard for someone, comes a more mature and realistic approach to the relationship and how it’s celebrated. If you simply like someone, a card and heart-shaped candy box might actually be all you need to convey your feelings. But if you’re in love, you’re probably (or at least should be) questioning why this day is different from any other.
If you’ve ever taken a literature course in college, you probably remember a German philosopher by the name of Friedrich Nietzsche. Thanks to my sister, my memory has been refreshed so allow me to refresh yours on Nietzsche’s theories on truth. In a response to his article, she wrote, "In his article, 'On Truth and Lies in a Nonmoral Sense,' he declares truth is not objective, but rather subjective and it is a device created by man, not conscious." In so many words, he stated that truth is something that we create based on individual ideals and experiences. Love is similar.
Love is a term that you certainly can’t unanimously define because it is an emotion, which means that everyone’s description of it will vary. Yes, it may be difficult to define what love is in terms of what it feels/looks/smells/tastes/sounds like, but I’m sure we can all easily describe what it isn’t. Love is not a game. It’s not like dating. There are no opposing teams and no one is competing to score more points than the other. There is no protective gear if you get hurt and there are no time outs. You can’t be selfish and you most certainly can’t be in love, in the romantic sense, with more than one person. Love is, however, a process and something to be taken seriously. Reflect on the following excerpt from a male’s point of view on falling in like versus falling in love:
“Why do fools fall in love? Because they never fell in like. It is almost like women (and men) have a habit of falling in love with falling in love. To ‘fall’ in love implies the ultimate vulnerability on behalf of an individual. To be ‘in like’ implies a sense of control over the situation. No one should ever intentionally FALL in love with anyone. Now, the natural progression of things SHOULD be that one fall in like, and grows to love. Nevertheless, when the first step is erroneously taken for granted, people FALL in love, just to FALL right back out of love. How tragic. Conversely, if one would simply ‘fall in like’ with an individual first, then they would grow to love, and even more importantly LEARN to love them. Ultimately, we should not be fooled by the trickery of modern-day pop culture and the emphasis that it has placed upon ‘falling in love.’”
Love is not something that needs an annual reminder. But should you use this holiday as justification for showing your affection for another person, maybe you need to reassess the situation. I’m not knocking Valentine's Day. I simply hope that love is commemorated as much today as it is on any other day of the year; that it is revered and considered more than just a mere tradition. For those who are in like, in love or who, currently, aren’t experiencing either one, remember: If you think love is a game, there’s only one rule: stop playing!
Live.Love.Learn…and then repeat!
After doing some research, I found that there’s actually more than one St. Valentine and that the association with lovers really stems from a poem titled, "Parlement of Foules" by Geoffrey Chaucer. “The story was set in a fictional context of an old tradition, but in fact there was no such tradition before Chaucer (Wiki).” Yes, you’ve all been duped! Of the two St. Valentines (and I believe there’s at least eleven total) honored on February 14th, neither of them are synonymous with love. So, now that we’ve established Valentine’s Day is just that, a day to honor martyred saints, what’s with all this romance business?
It’s so ironic to talk to friends that are in relationships who’d rather shy away from the commercialism created around the fourteenth of February and, on the flip side, have friends, who aren’t in relationships, insinuate wanting one on this day. Maybe the difference lies in whether or not you like or love the one you’re with…if you’re with anyone at all. The different levels of emotion cause for different types of rules. And with a certain sentiment and regard for someone, comes a more mature and realistic approach to the relationship and how it’s celebrated. If you simply like someone, a card and heart-shaped candy box might actually be all you need to convey your feelings. But if you’re in love, you’re probably (or at least should be) questioning why this day is different from any other.
If you’ve ever taken a literature course in college, you probably remember a German philosopher by the name of Friedrich Nietzsche. Thanks to my sister, my memory has been refreshed so allow me to refresh yours on Nietzsche’s theories on truth. In a response to his article, she wrote, "In his article, 'On Truth and Lies in a Nonmoral Sense,' he declares truth is not objective, but rather subjective and it is a device created by man, not conscious." In so many words, he stated that truth is something that we create based on individual ideals and experiences. Love is similar.
Love is a term that you certainly can’t unanimously define because it is an emotion, which means that everyone’s description of it will vary. Yes, it may be difficult to define what love is in terms of what it feels/looks/smells/tastes/sounds like, but I’m sure we can all easily describe what it isn’t. Love is not a game. It’s not like dating. There are no opposing teams and no one is competing to score more points than the other. There is no protective gear if you get hurt and there are no time outs. You can’t be selfish and you most certainly can’t be in love, in the romantic sense, with more than one person. Love is, however, a process and something to be taken seriously. Reflect on the following excerpt from a male’s point of view on falling in like versus falling in love:
“Why do fools fall in love? Because they never fell in like. It is almost like women (and men) have a habit of falling in love with falling in love. To ‘fall’ in love implies the ultimate vulnerability on behalf of an individual. To be ‘in like’ implies a sense of control over the situation. No one should ever intentionally FALL in love with anyone. Now, the natural progression of things SHOULD be that one fall in like, and grows to love. Nevertheless, when the first step is erroneously taken for granted, people FALL in love, just to FALL right back out of love. How tragic. Conversely, if one would simply ‘fall in like’ with an individual first, then they would grow to love, and even more importantly LEARN to love them. Ultimately, we should not be fooled by the trickery of modern-day pop culture and the emphasis that it has placed upon ‘falling in love.’”
Love is not something that needs an annual reminder. But should you use this holiday as justification for showing your affection for another person, maybe you need to reassess the situation. I’m not knocking Valentine's Day. I simply hope that love is commemorated as much today as it is on any other day of the year; that it is revered and considered more than just a mere tradition. For those who are in like, in love or who, currently, aren’t experiencing either one, remember: If you think love is a game, there’s only one rule: stop playing!
Live.Love.Learn…and then repeat!
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
The Relationship Life Cycle
There are four specific and vital stages that a product will go through from beginning to end, thus, it is called the Product Life Cycle. The dating equivalent that I will discuss shall be named The Relationship Life Cycle. The decisions made during the different stages of the relationship, or the prospect of one, have a significant affect on the outcome of whether or not your investment of time is profitable. The four stages are as follows:
Introductory Stage
In the beginning, you’re either trying to be pursued or you’re in pursuit of a mate. So what do you do? Check out the social scene and test the market. There is no pressure for immediate profit, which means that if you’re out, there’s no need to break your neck to get or give the digits. Use this time to be observant. See how others respond to your energy. Are you positioning yourself to be approachable? How have you packaged yourself? The best advice is to not show off, or give up, all your goods. Yes, the immediate profit will be in abundance, but the long-term benefit…not so much.
Once you’ve found a potential “buyer,” the introductory phase should be the most easy-going stage of the process. There is little to no competition from outsiders because all the fun is in getting to know someone new. You’re intrigued by the unknown and look forward to learning about the other person. Thus, in an attempt to appeal to each other, you may possibly spend more time picking out or buying a new outfit, hairstyle, make-up and scent to establish a “brand.” What you both don’t realize is that the brand you are creating is setting a standard that may be hard for the two of you to uphold should you pass the introduction stage. In this stage and in the other three, consistency is important.
Growth Stage
At this point, the public is aware of the “product,” which has now joined forces, and people start to identify you and your mate as an item. The sales volume increases, where in the introductory stage the volume was low. In laymen’s terms, now that you’ve established yourself as a hot commodity, competition, whether new or from your past, will start to show up and show out because they acknowledge your new relationship as having some worth! Ever notice that when you weren’t attached, you couldn’t find a good guy and the moment you snagged one, all other guys wanted to enter the equation and put their best foot forward? It’s no coincidence, ladies. If you’ve grasped the attention of a man, sooner or later all others will want to get a piece of the pie as well.
Fortunately, at this point, you are both comfortable with one another, but you must be advised, this is the most intense stage in the development of a lasting relationship.
Mature Stage
If you’ve made it to the mature stage of your relationship, you should be congratulated! In this day, and at our age, it’s rare. Reaching this stage means that you’ve successfully differentiated yourself from the others. However, any significant moves are likely to be mimicked by competitors to see if they can persuade you or your “consumer” to buy elsewhere. It would be wise to increase “competitive offerings” so that things don’t get predictable and thus, boring. Should this happen, the profit could drop significantly due to a lack of interest. Depending on the desired outcome of both parties involved, the joint venture could be very advantageous.
Decline or Stability Stage
Great care has to be taken to manage the product if you two have reached this final stage. It may be time to resolve the joint venture, yet, depending on if the relationship can remain stable and prosperous, through a mutually committed effort; the company may choose to continue to produce the product.
There is no time limit on each stage, and in some instances, you may skip from the Introduction Stage straight to the Decline Stage. No two relationships are the same, therefore, The Relationship Life Cycle should be used as a blueprint for some, but the creation, development and end result rest solely on the decisions that the two parties involved have made.
Introductory Stage
In the beginning, you’re either trying to be pursued or you’re in pursuit of a mate. So what do you do? Check out the social scene and test the market. There is no pressure for immediate profit, which means that if you’re out, there’s no need to break your neck to get or give the digits. Use this time to be observant. See how others respond to your energy. Are you positioning yourself to be approachable? How have you packaged yourself? The best advice is to not show off, or give up, all your goods. Yes, the immediate profit will be in abundance, but the long-term benefit…not so much.
Once you’ve found a potential “buyer,” the introductory phase should be the most easy-going stage of the process. There is little to no competition from outsiders because all the fun is in getting to know someone new. You’re intrigued by the unknown and look forward to learning about the other person. Thus, in an attempt to appeal to each other, you may possibly spend more time picking out or buying a new outfit, hairstyle, make-up and scent to establish a “brand.” What you both don’t realize is that the brand you are creating is setting a standard that may be hard for the two of you to uphold should you pass the introduction stage. In this stage and in the other three, consistency is important.
Growth Stage
At this point, the public is aware of the “product,” which has now joined forces, and people start to identify you and your mate as an item. The sales volume increases, where in the introductory stage the volume was low. In laymen’s terms, now that you’ve established yourself as a hot commodity, competition, whether new or from your past, will start to show up and show out because they acknowledge your new relationship as having some worth! Ever notice that when you weren’t attached, you couldn’t find a good guy and the moment you snagged one, all other guys wanted to enter the equation and put their best foot forward? It’s no coincidence, ladies. If you’ve grasped the attention of a man, sooner or later all others will want to get a piece of the pie as well.
Fortunately, at this point, you are both comfortable with one another, but you must be advised, this is the most intense stage in the development of a lasting relationship.
Mature Stage
If you’ve made it to the mature stage of your relationship, you should be congratulated! In this day, and at our age, it’s rare. Reaching this stage means that you’ve successfully differentiated yourself from the others. However, any significant moves are likely to be mimicked by competitors to see if they can persuade you or your “consumer” to buy elsewhere. It would be wise to increase “competitive offerings” so that things don’t get predictable and thus, boring. Should this happen, the profit could drop significantly due to a lack of interest. Depending on the desired outcome of both parties involved, the joint venture could be very advantageous.
Decline or Stability Stage
Great care has to be taken to manage the product if you two have reached this final stage. It may be time to resolve the joint venture, yet, depending on if the relationship can remain stable and prosperous, through a mutually committed effort; the company may choose to continue to produce the product.
There is no time limit on each stage, and in some instances, you may skip from the Introduction Stage straight to the Decline Stage. No two relationships are the same, therefore, The Relationship Life Cycle should be used as a blueprint for some, but the creation, development and end result rest solely on the decisions that the two parties involved have made.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Clean House
It’s the beginning of a new year, and everyone is making their New Year’s Resolution. A resolution is defined as a commitment that a person makes towards a project or a habit, which most often tends to be a positive lifestyle change. These commitments normally go into effect on New Year’s Day and remain until the set goal has been achieved, although many resolutions go unachieved and are often broken fairly shortly after they are set (Wikipedia). In 2005, approximately 95% of people surveyed, broke their New Year’s Resolution. This is most likely because people don’t understand what it really means to resolve something in their lives or what type of sacrificial effort it entails.
The year 2008, has been named the year of new beginnings. So if you've been practicing the same routine, expecting different results, with no avail, then it's time to say, "Out with the old, in with the new!" Starting the new year off with a new attitude and outlook on dating and relationships can be very beneficial. However, it may require letting go of some things and some people in the past in order to appreciate new things and people in your future. When a guest comes to visit, it’s proper to get your house in order prior to their arrival. This is the case when inviting someone new into your life.
Being a serial dater for the past few years, has granted me the opportunity to be unattached, and therefore, available to do what I please, without obligation to anyone but myself. If I wanted to date three men at a time, my relationship status gave me the right to do so. If I was out with one guy and bumped into someone else whom I was dating, I didn’t have to worry about offending either guy because it was clear that there was no commitment between us. But when you make the resolution to date one person seriously, you’ve got to break out of the habits pertaining to your single lifestyle. So in the new year, if you’ve decided to make a fresh change in your life, as it relates to dating and relationships, remember not to just sweep the dust under the rug, but to really clean your house! The process is fairly simple once you find someone worth cleaning for.
RECOGNIZE
The first step is recognizing and accepting the clutter that may stand in your way. Identifying what or who has “funked up” your relationships in the past will allow you to prevent from it or them from disturbing things later on down the line. Start with yourself. For example, if you’re a social butterfly with lots of charm and the gift of gab, stop denying that you’re a flirt! While you’re natural flirtatious appeal may open the door to meeting others, once in a relationship, you have to be cognizant to turn off that lure as not to open more than one door at a time. What may be acceptable as a single woman may be inappropriate once you’ve decided to date someone exclusively.
RECONCILE
The second step to cleaning your house is reconciling with those in your past. You cannot start anew if you have not reconciled your past. We’re all familiar with the phrase that some people are in your life for a “reason, season or lifetime,” and it is at this point of your life that you should decide the purpose of each person with whom you surround yourself. After re-evaluating their intention, it may force you to keep them close, at a distance or sever ties altogether. Often times we find ourselves holding on to things and people, yet they are the very obstacles that keep us from moving forward. Being in a relationship in your twenties means more than just monogamy, it’s a mature decision that requires a lot of thought and consideration between two people. It is very much a compromise of two characters and both parties need to feel comfortable with the partnership.
RECOMPENSE
Lastly, after recognizing and reconciling, it’s time for recompensing. A reward comes to those who unselfishly give of themselves to others. A relationship will have its ups and downs and there will most certainly be trying times, but if you give it your best effort, the return can be quite worthwhile. Good luck and Happy New Year!
The year 2008, has been named the year of new beginnings. So if you've been practicing the same routine, expecting different results, with no avail, then it's time to say, "Out with the old, in with the new!" Starting the new year off with a new attitude and outlook on dating and relationships can be very beneficial. However, it may require letting go of some things and some people in the past in order to appreciate new things and people in your future. When a guest comes to visit, it’s proper to get your house in order prior to their arrival. This is the case when inviting someone new into your life.
Being a serial dater for the past few years, has granted me the opportunity to be unattached, and therefore, available to do what I please, without obligation to anyone but myself. If I wanted to date three men at a time, my relationship status gave me the right to do so. If I was out with one guy and bumped into someone else whom I was dating, I didn’t have to worry about offending either guy because it was clear that there was no commitment between us. But when you make the resolution to date one person seriously, you’ve got to break out of the habits pertaining to your single lifestyle. So in the new year, if you’ve decided to make a fresh change in your life, as it relates to dating and relationships, remember not to just sweep the dust under the rug, but to really clean your house! The process is fairly simple once you find someone worth cleaning for.
RECOGNIZE
The first step is recognizing and accepting the clutter that may stand in your way. Identifying what or who has “funked up” your relationships in the past will allow you to prevent from it or them from disturbing things later on down the line. Start with yourself. For example, if you’re a social butterfly with lots of charm and the gift of gab, stop denying that you’re a flirt! While you’re natural flirtatious appeal may open the door to meeting others, once in a relationship, you have to be cognizant to turn off that lure as not to open more than one door at a time. What may be acceptable as a single woman may be inappropriate once you’ve decided to date someone exclusively.
RECONCILE
The second step to cleaning your house is reconciling with those in your past. You cannot start anew if you have not reconciled your past. We’re all familiar with the phrase that some people are in your life for a “reason, season or lifetime,” and it is at this point of your life that you should decide the purpose of each person with whom you surround yourself. After re-evaluating their intention, it may force you to keep them close, at a distance or sever ties altogether. Often times we find ourselves holding on to things and people, yet they are the very obstacles that keep us from moving forward. Being in a relationship in your twenties means more than just monogamy, it’s a mature decision that requires a lot of thought and consideration between two people. It is very much a compromise of two characters and both parties need to feel comfortable with the partnership.
RECOMPENSE
Lastly, after recognizing and reconciling, it’s time for recompensing. A reward comes to those who unselfishly give of themselves to others. A relationship will have its ups and downs and there will most certainly be trying times, but if you give it your best effort, the return can be quite worthwhile. Good luck and Happy New Year!
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