Dear Ms. Wright

Dear Ms. Wright,

Since the breakup from a five-year relationship, I haven’t had much luck finding anyone worth my time to date. All the guys present themselves to be the perfect guy, but sooner or later down the line, they end up being a waste. Valentine’s Day is approaching and, as a result, I’ve stopped going out in social settings at all. I just don’t have the energy to deal with losers and I sometimes question whether or not this grass is greener than my last relationship.

Anonymous, age 26

Milky Mess,

What you're experiencing is completely normal. You've been in a relationship for all of your adult life and although the break up isn't brand new, this is the first Valentine’s Day as a real single woman. The last thing you want to do in this situation is hide. For every few losers, there’s bound to be an un-spoiled one in the bunch. How the hell is he supposed to find you if you refuse to see and be seen?

Make it easy for him with these three simple steps:

1. Go to the craft store and buy some fabric paint.

2. Purchase a bright, solid-colored top and

3. Using the fabric paint, apply the following message onto the shirt: HERE I AM!

There is NO USE in crying over spoiled/spilled milk. I never understood that phrase, but let me try to make sense of it now. All of your ex-boyfriends can fall into the category of "Spoiled Milk."

In the beginning, it was what you needed, it was good for you to experience your ex-boyfriend because of the emotional growth spurt that you encountered while together (milk = healthy bones = growth, get it?). But, like milk, if you try to savor it well past the expiration date, you'll be left with a sour taste in your mouth. DISPOSE OF IT! No matter how good the milk may have complimented your cereal or fluffed your pancake, it's no longer healthy for you to consume and will leave a bad taste in your mouth.

All of your "subpar" suitors since your breakup, let’s call them all "Spilled Milk." Whether you wasted some of the milk or spilled the entire carton, apparently it just wasn't meant to consume the whole carton. That could be a blessing in disguise.

Remember, milk doesn't cost that much. You can buy another carton. What I mean is, it won't take much for you to bump into another guy. However, be cautious when shopping. No grocer is going to sell you spoiled milk. For the most part, guys will market themselves to be worth purchasing. Whether or not the milk will spoil soon after purchasing or if you'll consume it in enough time to reap the benefits is still open for discussion. But, that’s simply a part of the experience. To find out, you have to, at least, open the carton.

It's hard starting over, but it's necessary. Good luck. Have the courage to live, love, learn...and repeat!

Dear Ms. Wright

Dear Ms. Wright,

I live with my boyfriend and although I love him, right now, I don’t like him. He lacks the common sense that I believe is necessary in a relationship and I find myself taking my frustration out on him. Sometimes I feel like I’m not cut out for a relationship. Every time I think I need to leave and just cut my ties, he will turn around and do or say something that will make me realize I can’t just give up and quit. He will do something that will wake me up to realize it is not going to be easy, I may not have what my parents had right away and that it will take time and effort. He’s a good guy, just last week he cooked dinner with candles and wine. But most times, I get bored and there are things that I want to do in life that a relationship may hinder. I feel like I’m the guy in the relationship. I think any normal female has it in her nature to give to others first and take care of herself last, but I’m the opposite. I don’t know what to do, if I should leave or go.

Lost in Love, age 24.

Dear Lost in Love,

Two things to which I have to bring immediate attention: A guy once quoted me a phrase that stuck, “To expect more than will ever come always brings disappointment.” Unfortunately, we can't expect a lot from men...hell, from anyone. What one may consider common sense, another may consider rocket science. Common sense can’t be taught, it is something you either have or you don't. Don’t expect him to know what you want from him, communicate it. Secondly, you implied that because he cooks nice meals for you, and the like, and because you aren’t as emotionally invested, that you are the “guy” in the relationship. We have to get out of the habit of assigning certain roles for men and women in relationships, myself included. Be careful of what you say as not to degrade the worth and work of some women or take away credit due to some men.

It sounds like the two of you are viewing the relationship with two different perspectives, but don’t worry, this tends to be very common. Most times, couples are quick to declare being on the same page with their mate, yet in fact, they’re on the same page in two totally different books, ya dig? If you want to be with him, it’s going to take a compromise. Since you’ve made the conscious decision to no longer be single, it’s time to start considering his wants and needs. If you don’t think you can do that, then love him enough to leave him alone. There are plenty of women out there that complain about not being able to find the man that you now have at home.

Before considering his, are you clear on your own wants and needs? My suggestion is that you both write out a list of life goals. I know you live together, but find some time to be alone and write one list of aspirations for the year and then a five-year plan. When you’ve both completed your lists, sit down together and compare. Yes, this sounds corny and typical, but trust me, it can work. Be sure that you’re making a personal list and writing down goals for you, as an individual. As you read over each goal, see how the other person can help or hinder you from obtaining it and make take mental notes. Make another list that encompasses what you want and need from a relationship. Post the lists on the refrigerator or on the bathroom mirror, a place where you both can refer to them often. Check things off as you accomplish them. For every goal you reach with his help, celebrate together and measure how much of a complement he is to your life versus a detriment.

You’re right in saying that most women are naturally givers and nurturers, but at this point in your life, it’s okay to be selfish. It's hard for some to fathom, but it's absolutely necessary, especially at our age. We're young. We can't possibly help others if we have yet to help ourselves. Now is the time to take care of and establish ourselves as individuals before we are placed in situations where it is our sole responsibility to help others, like marriage and parenthood. Remember, being selfish doesn't equate to being a bitch. So if it helps, instead of using the word selfish, let’s substitute it for sufficient. I have a friend who once said, “If you don't have anything to bring to the table don't even ask to be seated.” It’s perfectly fine to feel that loving you means more to you than loving him. But if that is the case, don’t waste any more of his or your time.

Good luck and remember to live, love, learn…and then repeat!