U.N.T.I.T.L.E.D.

Over the weekend I indulged in overdue conversation with one of my good college friends, Ashley.* We talked about work and family, future aspirations, upcoming holiday plans and, last but not least, men. She filled me in on a guy she’s been dating for about two months now. They met through mutual friends as attendants at their wedding and have been hitting it off ever since. A considerable amount of time has been shared among the two of them whether it be going out for dinner or drinks, catching a movie, or simply relaxing at one another’s home. They contribute to assisting with each other’s personal and professional goals and have grown quite comfortable…to an extent. The one concern Ashley had was that, as their interaction with one another was becoming more consistent, equally divided between outdoor activities and well…indoor activities, she starting to wonder if her long-term goal of a relationship would be nothing more than satisfied for the short term.

I swear, for men to be such simple creatures, they can be so complicated most times! I once heard, “if he says he doesn’t want a relationship, yet acts like he does, he doesn’t want a relationship, he wants sex!” This is absolutely hilarious to me, but I’m beginning to find it to be most certainly true. In this case, ladies, we have to believe that actions do NOT speak louder than words. He is blatantly exhibiting to you that he wants the benefits of a relationship without the boundaries that come along with the commitment of one. It’s what Stevie Wonder referred to as “part-time lover.” My friend Justin* believes that it’s not that he wants just sex because, “that’s so easy to come by,” but admits, “most guys in that situation are having a crisis of leadership between the heart and mind.”

Everyone has experienced this “crisis” at least once in their life. In order to avoid being on the receiving end, it’s imperative to first establish what it is we want and then refrain from entertaining anything less. At a certain point in life we have to stop HOPING an interaction leads to what we want and, instead, ensure that it will. I’m not speaking in terms of demands; I’m speaking, again, in regards to standards and requirements. And that begins and, with any luck, ends with a simple conversation.

Men, trust me, women dread having to ask it just as much as you dread having to answer the question, “where do we stand?” We would much rather know ahead of time, before emotions are intensely thrown within the mix, if we’re on the same page. But should we find ourselves playing catch up in that regard, we shouldn’t be concerned about when and how to have the conversation with a man or about how he may or may not react. Instead, we should take into account the way we may feel as a result of continuing to dance around the circumstance. We can’t expect them to come correct with us if we don’t come correct with ourselves.

If you like a guy and see yourself possibly building with him, toil at the foundation, which is established, initially, in the form of clearly stating your wants versus your needs; the things you’re willing to compromise on versus your must-haves. The first step towards getting what you want is to stop being in denial about what you don't want for fear that it will scare him away. Truthfully state your objective to avoid misunderstanding down the line. Certain things are simply unavoidable. People and feelings do change. Revisiting where you all stand every now and then will be necessary, but, at least, the first conversation sets the framework.

Don’t settle for anything less than a straight-up answer or you could find yourself just along for the ride. I can just about guarantee; it won’t lead to any grand destination. That is, unless you first go through hell and high water to get there. He may ask you to wait for him to figure out where he stands. Ashley believes that, in that instance, it’s up to the individual to decide if they have the patience to wait and the strength to handle themselves if it does not turn out the way they desired.

I’ve waited and, unfortunately, it didn’t produce the results for which I was hoping. I’ve also opted out, after which he took the time a part to realize I was the one with whom he wanted to build. Sadly, I’d already moved on. It’s a chance you must be willing to take.

Live.Love.Learn…and then repeat!
*names have been changed to protect identity

Song for thought: "Where I Stand," Raheem DeVaughn