I came across an article in the Wall Street Journal today about what people hold onto and how they get rid of things after a break up and why. I, too, had a talking stuffed bear that I immediately dropped kicked off my balcony the day I found out my then-boyfriend had been cheating. Did it make me feel better? Yes! Did it change the fact that he cheated? Not so much! For nearly six months, I held onto emails written by another ex. I wasn't ready to let go and re-reading the letters surely didn't help. And while deleting the emails was the first step in nursing the wound, it failed at deleting him from my life altogether.
In the movie, "Waiting to Exhale," Angela Bassett's character, Bernadine, found temporary solace the day she cleared her husbands belongings from their house, placed them in his BMW, doused the car in lighter fluid and flicked her cigarette towards one of his most prized possession as she watched it burn in a blaze of fire. This was all done in response to him leaving her for another woman. It was a liberating scene that I'm sure got a lot of praise from the women in the audience. But does a break up, under any circumstance, warrant such a “heated” retort? And does it ever solve the real issue?
Before you go and "Bust the Windows" out his car, remember a Detroit woman's re-enactment of the notorius Waiting to Exhale scene resulted in an arrest on arson charges with a $3,500.00 bond. However you choose to cope, understand that throwing away/burning/shredding the evidence of a an old flame doesn't make the smoke clear any faster.
Read the WSJ article "The Post-Breakup Purge" By Elizabeth Berstein and comment below on how you best deal with a break up and how you dispose of the evidence.
Live.Love.Learn...and repeat!
5 comments:
Eliminate the tangible memories and give it time. I'm a strong believer of time heals all wounds.
I agree that time heals all wounds, but don't think it is necessary to rid yourself of all the memories you've created with another person.
The article give great reasons to keep memoribila of relationships past, i.e. its worth something, you actually want to keep it, you don't want your ex to have it, etc.
I just don't think getting rid of everything is super helpful. No matter how bad the break up, women, I believe, playback every moment, good or bad, that assisted in bringing the relationship to an end, regardless of whether his toothbrush, XBOX or stuffed animal he gave you is in plain sight or not.
In my opinion, leave all that stuff around, immerse yourself in figuring out what went wrong, learning about yourself (what you want now) and picking up the pieces. When you're truly over it, most of that junk will be completely meaningless to you abd you will want to sell or donate the stuff you no longer want. At the end of most relationships, people usually chalk the experience up to a "learning process;" the stuff you keep is just evidence of evolution and growth.
I agree that the leftover items are "evidence of evolution and growth." Through emails and letters I was able to isolate things that contributed to the break up and reasons why it was the best thing for me. The past seven months have provided me with some much needed growth and I'm now able to go forward with a clear understanding of what I need and won't accept in another relationship.
warning: Now I caution people in doing this alone, because you could easily go crazy with old desires flaring up and the possibility of making yourself angry all over again. Allow yourself some figure-it-out time and then for the most part put it out of your mind. Of the past 7, it took about 2 or 3 months, the rest was moving forward.
...Also, it's just evidence period. If he tries to come at you crazy with lies/attacks on character, you have documented conversations.
very good points but i also believe it depends on the person. me personally, i dont want to keep anything that can and will remind me of a bad experience, i feel like getting rid of certain items will ensure that im not constantly reminded of something that went wrong or wasnt a happy time of my life.. thats just my opinion.
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