“It's one thing to turn a friend into a lover, but it's completely different to try to turn a lover into a friend.” –Unknown
I was once part of a mentoring session on relationships where a young girl around 14 years old said her mom referred to her as the girl friend and never the girlfriend – as if it was a bad thing, a curse of sorts. I pitied the teenager’s frustration, but even more her mother's lack of worthwhile advice to her young and impressionable child. And then I remembered when I was her age.
My father's one and only rule of relationship advice was told to me as a sophomore in high school. He said, “Nat, listen to me… be friends first.” The end. No anecdote. So yeah, I heard him, but I wasn’t listening.
While in high school, not once did I witness my friends in relationships establish a friendship first. In fact, most of them barely knew anything about one another before falling head first into what they identified as love at the time. Some girls changed boyfriends like they changed panties –once a week often. I, on the other hand, went almost four years without a boyfriend. I had a ton of close male friends and even crushed on a few, but not one friendship materialized into anything more.
I had a reader recently seek my advice on how to transition from one realm to the other: girl friend to girlfriend. Honestly, I don't have a definite answer so I came up with a short list of do’s and don’ts:
DO:
I was once part of a mentoring session on relationships where a young girl around 14 years old said her mom referred to her as the girl friend and never the girlfriend – as if it was a bad thing, a curse of sorts. I pitied the teenager’s frustration, but even more her mother's lack of worthwhile advice to her young and impressionable child. And then I remembered when I was her age.
My father's one and only rule of relationship advice was told to me as a sophomore in high school. He said, “Nat, listen to me… be friends first.” The end. No anecdote. So yeah, I heard him, but I wasn’t listening.
While in high school, not once did I witness my friends in relationships establish a friendship first. In fact, most of them barely knew anything about one another before falling head first into what they identified as love at the time. Some girls changed boyfriends like they changed panties –
I had a reader recently seek my advice on how to transition from one realm to the other: girl friend to girlfriend. Honestly, I don't have a definite answer so I came up with a short list of do’s and don’ts:
DO:
- Genuinely focus on building the friendship. People can sense when you have a hidden agenda and your ill intentions can ultimately push them away.
- Expect the best, but prepare for the worst. Before you decide to make your move, first ask yourself if the friendship can withstand the denial of a romantic advance.
- Be yourself. A friendship is built on common interests and familiarity. Once you express your feelings, don't change the fabric of what makes the friendship so great. Simply enhance its existing qualities.
DON’T:
- Sabotage your friend's current relationship. If your friend is currently involved with someone, don’t be a hater. It's unattractive. That is all.
- Take advantage of being in the “friend zone” for personal gain. Knowing their deepest, darkest secrets or their biggest insecurities is something you should respect and not abuse.
- Assume you are their type just because you're friends. While a friendship generally guarantees mutual interest and a genuinue care for one another, sometimes there are specific reasons why a person is placed in the "friend zone" that may be unknown to them.
I've come to realize there is something very admirable about establishing an authentic friendship with a person of the opposite sex. Through experience I’ve noticed the most successful relationships stem from true compatibility (so maybe my Dad was onto something). If you want to be more than friends, my advice would be to let nature take its course. Trust that things will happen when you least expect it– the way it happens in the movies. If you can’t resist, remember Barbara De Angelis’ words, “You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.” And if, by chance, they just want to remain friends, consider they might just be doing you a favor...so let them.
Live.Love.Learn...and repeat!
Song for thought: “Breathless,” by Corinne Bailey Rae
3 comments:
I agree with all of this, but I do not think you can let the friendship get too deep before you make your move (If that's what you want). If you are calling your friend your "sister" or "brother" and then suddenly it's "boo", I think your friendship was too close to involve in relationship drama. All relationships have problems (Not 1 is perfect) here and there - and you could possibly lose someone that really treated you like a "sister" or "brother" because the relationship did not work out.
my only advice is to make sure when you are ready to transition from being a girl friend to a girlfriend, that he is ready to transition from being a boy friend into a boyfriend. that is the ebst way to protect your head and your heart!
I agree with everything Natalie is saying. I must say that with my current relationship and there have been ups and downs, I don't think we would still be together if we didn't establish a REAL friendship first. By the time I met him, I was ready for something different and real and so I did a lot of things different. Everything went extremely slow and I wasn't used to that, but it helped because he wanted things to go slow as well.
If one has sex too soon its hard for that relationship not to turn into a cut buddy relationship. And all the stuff people tend to rush and do that causes them not to get the most out of a real friendship is not what keeps a relationship together when things go awry.
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