We live in a society where people are conditioned and even encouraged to seek happiness at all costs. For example, when we’re at a job that is no longer fulfilling, we have the choice to either look for a new opportunity or quit. When we want a change of scenery, it’s as simple as relocating to a new city. Most of these situations are within our control. Nevertheless, there are circumstances that are bound to change without our influence. We must be cognizant of the possibility of these very instances as their unavoidable and sometimes unexpected effects will dictate how we handle situations moving forward.
We’re taught that change is a natural part of life and that all change is good. But is it? What happens when, as said by Ellen Gladgow, “all change is not growth, as all movement is not forward”? It can be quite the hard pill to swallow. What’s even worse is that we are the very beings most capable of this type of change; change that is both inevitable and sometimes without warning. Knowing this to be true, how does one commit to someone in marriage when both parties will, without a doubt, transform over time? How does a couple survive such a transformation that could leave them both completely different from the person their partner initially fell in love with and were attracted to? And what is the incentive to stay in a committed relationship (specifically marriage) when this happens?
I was having an in-depth conversation with a friend who married her high school sweetheart in their early twenties. They were the couple everyone admired, were role models to the youth at their church and accomplished in regards to educational background and budding careers. Having grown into adulthood together for the better part of six years, she said that marrying him was the one thing of which she was sure. She was marrying her best friend. They knew each other like the back of their own hands. Alas, their marriage lasted 18 months. The reason: her spouse turned into a person who no longer freely and openly communicated with her as he did many times before. Gradually, he grew cold and quiet – not just with her, but with family and close friends. And eventually, she discovered he’d been unfaithful. Damn.
I can’t even imagine finding the one and then discovering you’re not their only one. You’d have to be crazy to stick around – like you belong in an asylum, crazy. How do u sincerely commit to someone knowing that they’re going to change, without knowing what they’ll change into? Conversely, how do you know they’ll want to remain obligated to the changed you?
Not all people cheat. I believe this. However, affairs affect one of every 2.7 couples and the number one cause of divorce is infidelity. With that in mind, if cheating is so probable in relationships should we learn to accept it when it happens and adapt accordingly? Should we agree to open relationships so that both parties acknowledge that stepping outside of the relationship is a possibility or do we hold out for the slim chance that our relationship will be different?
I really don’t mean to sound like a pessimist. I’m merely thinking like a twenty-something single female who occasionally has doubts of commitment and struggles to make sense of it all. Of course, I want to be in a long, committed relationship, but the line between being committed and well, committed is thin. There are a lot of questions raised, none of which I can answer until I’m faced with the situation (God forbid). Nonetheless, I’ve found this prayer to be of solace, “God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it’s me.” -Author Unknown.
We’re taught that change is a natural part of life and that all change is good. But is it? What happens when, as said by Ellen Gladgow, “all change is not growth, as all movement is not forward”? It can be quite the hard pill to swallow. What’s even worse is that we are the very beings most capable of this type of change; change that is both inevitable and sometimes without warning. Knowing this to be true, how does one commit to someone in marriage when both parties will, without a doubt, transform over time? How does a couple survive such a transformation that could leave them both completely different from the person their partner initially fell in love with and were attracted to? And what is the incentive to stay in a committed relationship (specifically marriage) when this happens?
I was having an in-depth conversation with a friend who married her high school sweetheart in their early twenties. They were the couple everyone admired, were role models to the youth at their church and accomplished in regards to educational background and budding careers. Having grown into adulthood together for the better part of six years, she said that marrying him was the one thing of which she was sure. She was marrying her best friend. They knew each other like the back of their own hands. Alas, their marriage lasted 18 months. The reason: her spouse turned into a person who no longer freely and openly communicated with her as he did many times before. Gradually, he grew cold and quiet – not just with her, but with family and close friends. And eventually, she discovered he’d been unfaithful. Damn.
I can’t even imagine finding the one and then discovering you’re not their only one. You’d have to be crazy to stick around – like you belong in an asylum, crazy. How do u sincerely commit to someone knowing that they’re going to change, without knowing what they’ll change into? Conversely, how do you know they’ll want to remain obligated to the changed you?
Not all people cheat. I believe this. However, affairs affect one of every 2.7 couples and the number one cause of divorce is infidelity. With that in mind, if cheating is so probable in relationships should we learn to accept it when it happens and adapt accordingly? Should we agree to open relationships so that both parties acknowledge that stepping outside of the relationship is a possibility or do we hold out for the slim chance that our relationship will be different?
I really don’t mean to sound like a pessimist. I’m merely thinking like a twenty-something single female who occasionally has doubts of commitment and struggles to make sense of it all. Of course, I want to be in a long, committed relationship, but the line between being committed and well, committed is thin. There are a lot of questions raised, none of which I can answer until I’m faced with the situation (God forbid). Nonetheless, I’ve found this prayer to be of solace, “God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it’s me.” -Author Unknown.
3 comments:
As we grow and mature, we learn major life lessons (hopefully!), such as the importance of honesty, commitment in ALL aspects of our personal lives, and adaptability. I think we (myself included) put too much pressure on our romantic relationships in an effort to make sure each and every one has a happy ending, oblivious to the fact that some of these relationships only exist to fail and prepare us for the next better thing. As stated in the post, we ALL change and evolve as we grow, hopefully for the better. Its definitely a little scary knowing that when it comes to men and women, what you see is what you get.....for now. When it comes to commitment, maybe the trick is to only promise to be faithful to someone who embodies the realest, and most genuine virtues at the root of their very existence. Someone who makes a commitment to themselves to be steadfast in their personal journey to improve their own shortcomings. Someone who unconsciously encourages us to be better and vice versa. These are the kinds of people who, regardless of the inevitable variances that may occur, such as changes in careers, cities, or personal interests, the heart of that person remains constant. As for ourselves, we have the same obligation. We should not fear that our significant other will fall out of love with a new version of our self. How could that even be possible if we first commit to the continuous journey of self reflection an improvement- an adventure we seek individually first and in our relationship second?! My friends....THIS just may be the real definition of a SOULMATE. ;-)
1) Never get married, its a setup. Realistically: Who the hell do you think you are that someone would want to be with you forever!? Such audacity. Not only do they have to be with you forever, they also cant have intercourse with anyone else!? Joke's clearly on you!!
2) Always keep at least two mates. (This works much better if they know each other and are "cool with it," but not necessary.
I think that ultimately there is no guarantee with anything in life. You must trust your heart. It may not be definite, but it's the only compass that God granted us along our journey. Be confident that the hard lessons are only refining the better you and have no fear when faced with adversity. Relationships are just one component of this... Life is filled with these choices and decisions daily. One step at a time.
Post a Comment