While I typically try to avoid commenting on Facebook statuses (read: I loathe the constant notifications when people comment after me, yet am too lazy to log on and change my settings), I found this one to be response worthy merely because I‘d just debated this controversial topic with two different men in the same week. Their claim is always the same: men and women can’t be friends without a romantic relationship ensuing. But having a great deal of male friends myself, I strongly disagree. I went to seek the definition of the word platonic and found its meaning is where the debate begins.
According to MSN Encarta, platonic is defined as:
1. not involving sexual relations: involving friendship, affection, or love without sexual relations between people who might be expected to be sexually attracted to each other
2. perfect but unreal: perfect in form or conception but not found in reality
I’d like to point out two things from the abovementioned definitions. Firstly, platonic means to involve affection, but abstain from sexual relations. Secondly, note the contradiction and negative connotation the subsequent definition carries. With such an influenced depiction of the word, why wouldn’t there be any skepticism of its likelihood? Two attractive people can be friends without being attracted to one another. Can’t they? And if one party is attracted to the other, the friendship is still salvageable as long as they stay within the companionable boundaries of friendship. Right? Well…maybe in a perfect world.
I believe the real threat on a platonic friendship between men and women is not due to the chance of romantic involvement. Instead, as made apparent in the first definition, what compromises the relationship more than anything is the speculation and insinuation of third parties – those “who might expect” the two friends to eventually become more. Is it fair of them to project their experiences of failed platonic relationships on friends who have not crossed the line? Not at all. Does it happen anyway? All the time.
A platonic friendship can be especially difficult to defend when adding a significant other to the already seemingly-skewed equation. A happily married male friend of mine shared with me that men and women can have a successful friendship, “if the significant other is secure in knowing that a friend of the opposite sex probably knows their mate better than they do.” Imagine that. Understandably, that can be a tough pill to swallow. But looking at the glass half full, a significant other may benefit from their mate having a confidant of the opposite sex.
One young woman once told me that friends of the opposite sex are translators. What a novel concept! It has already been proven to be true. There is no other reason for why male “relationship experts” are publishing best-sellers due to the majority female consumers that buy them. It’s not like any information they’re sharing is brand new. Alternatively, women are more receptive to a man giving them relationship advice than a woman. And while men may not always admit it, they’ve also found themselves more likely to identify with the opposite sex when situations are given impartial insight by a female friend detached from the situation.
Truthfully speaking, the male/female friendships that haven't transcended their platonic nature are probably attributed to an unreciprocated attraction by one of the friends. Nevertheless, if you meet someone who has friends of the opposite sex, don't rule out the chance that they're probably determined enough to refrain from crossing the line or there was a mutual agreement that a friendship could be kept intact even after a romantic attempt failed. Don’t be naïve, however. It’s clear. Some people have a skewed view of platonic relationships and those people tend take what they can get by settling for "friendship." Note the quotations. These are the types of acquaintances that can be hazardous to romantic relationships. Beware: having a genuine friendship with someone of the opposite sex requires a level of maturity that not many people have mastered. Again, I have a lot of male friends. It doesn’t mean I haven’t been tried by some of them, it just means I didn’t take the bait.
Live.Love.Learn…and repeat!
Song for thought: “Buddy,” by Musiq
6 comments:
Interesting... I agree with you. I am a male with many friends male and female. Some of my best friends are female and for some odd reason males and females cannot understand that. The guys will say things like, "Damn... i ain't know you were gettin down wit such n such" and females say things like "Ohh I didn't know you knew... well if that's what you're into." I just think I'm a friendly person period and if you cool - doesn't matter who you are... we can be friends; why not?
Good post! I'm a female that has platonic male friends. Tons. It has attempted to ruin some past relationship but I think it all returns back to the lines of communication. Too often in today's society - especially for us single people- our problems are due to the lack of communication. Overall, yes men and women can be friends. On the flip side, in regards to dating shouldn't you date someone that you can be friends with?? Some of the best relationships I've had begun because we were friends first. So did I complete contradict myself? Maybe...
Aight, Ms. Wright...this was intriguing...how long before we can read Part II?
Ms. Wright, I'm so happy that you touched on this subject! I too have a considerable amount of platonic male friends. I agree that there is a certain level of maturity that must be reached in order to acquire and maintain these kinds of relationships. Some of my failed romantic relationships have even evolved into a friendship that turned out to be healthier, where both parties
were more reliable confidants for each other while displaying sincere happiness and respect for their ex's new relationships. Unfortunately, everyone is not capable of simply being no more than a friend when it comes to the opposites sex. In my experiences it is an obvious lack of self-confidence when a woman thinks the concept of a friendship with a man is absurd. Personally, I don't trust a woman (specifically around my man) who believes either every man wants her, or (despite her level of actual interest) that she could have any man if she in fact did want him. On the flip side, when it comes to men, I think it boils down simply to a lack of respect for women in general. Their ignorance disguises the fact that their belief in women serving one sole purpose is rooted in pure misogyny. If u consistently fail @ sustaining any PLATONIC friendships with the opposite sex, or simply believe they're as common as flying unicorns, take this as your wake up call to ask yourself what your problem is! ;-)
Great article. I have two male best friends (One is engaged). Both of whom we are not and have never been in a romantic relationship with each other.
I wish more people could be mature and understand that you can be friends with the opposite sex.
Thank for this.
Hello Everyone I think this friend term is being used loosely. There is a very fine line when it comes to a male and female relationship. If there is a Platonic friend between the two I'm 99.3% sure that one has looked at that person sexually does not mean they are going to act on it but, it has been thought of if not crossed both minds. Yes it is true Males like to know what women are thinking and vice versa. I personally have a lot of female friends have I crossed the line with some? Maybe (don’t judge me) but that still doesn’t make me more or less than a friend that has not crossed the line. I believe that the line can be crossed if that what you want to call it but, if you can separate the friendship from the passionate 2minutes that yall shared then it’s all the same. With that being said can Male and Female be just friends. Hell I don't know take each as a case by case it shouldn't deter away because someone has a female or male friend also don't be naive of it either. Bottom line something MIGHT have happen and MIGHT NOT if that person is a known FRIEND you cannot assume it’s more than a friendship. Trust until shown otherwise. Are you mature enough to handle if at a point and time it was a possibility something could have happen that is the question?
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