I am my father’s child. No doubt about it. From my lean and long-legged physique to my commanding presence and sometimes stubborn personality, I am him. One would think that because we have the tendency to be so much alike, we would have issues seeing eye-to-eye. However, that couldn’t be further from the truth. My dad is one of my very best friends.
As a twenty-something woman coming into my own, I’ve found comfort in seeking my father’s advice on topics ranging from work to finances and especially relationships. This is mainly because he gives it to me straight, no chaser. Furthermore, I view him as the prototype for the man I hope to one day marry. Victoria Secunda, author of Women and Their Fathers: The Sexual and Romantic Impact of the First Man in Your Life, has been quoted as saying that the “greatest impact on a woman’s romantic choices and ability to feel comfortable in her own sexuality is how her father related to her in childhood.”
My parents have often times been described as the present-day Claire and Cliff Huxtable, though we’ve never gone without a microwave in our kitchen. Like Cliff, my dad was, and still is, the jokester in a house full of women. A savvy business man with an entrepreneurial spirit, he also held down the fort when my mom was traveling for business. Helping construct science projects, teaching us how to ride bikes and swim were just a few things on the list. My mom, a former tomboy, didn’t learn to braid hair for quite some time, so it was dad who helped out in that area as well (it wasn’t as bad as one would imagine). Overall, my dad was ever-present in teaching my sister and me exactly what it meant to be a devoted father and husband to his family. He was our example of what love from a man should be like and taught us that the foundation of any relationship was rooted in a love, respect and trust of oneself.
When my dad was my age, he had a master’s degree and a pretty impressive career underway. He still carried the athletic build that he adapted as a school athlete and I can imagine him having a confidence that, dare I say, bordered arrogance as well. So it’s no wonder I’m attracted to the same type of man. According to research conducted by Dr. Linda Nielsen, nationally recognized expert on father-daughter relationships, “fathers generally have as much or more influence than mothers on many aspects of their daughters’ lives. For example, the father has the greater impact on the daughter’s ability to trust, enjoy and relate well to the males in her life.”
Recently, as I sat amongst a group of male friends, I heard stories of women they’d dated who were raised without an appropriate father figure. In their experience, women with “daddy issues,” as most refer to the epidemic, can develop at least one of the following concerns:
• Low of self-esteem
• Sexual promiscuity
• Failure to forge healthy romantic relationships
• Inability to communicate with the opposite sex
• Misperceived gender roles
I understand the way my sister and I were raised is no longer the societal norm. With over 40% of babies in the U.S. born to single women, we are considered a rare breed to not only have had a father present, but to have a father who is still married to our mother. However, fatherhood has to be viewed as a duty and not a decision. The negative implications have a strong possibility of distorting the image of healthy relationships with one another and most importantly, with ourselves.
Live.Love.Learn...and repeat!
Song for thought: "Daughters," John Mayer
11 comments:
I totally agree. I think some of the issues you bring up when grils have "daddy issues" are spot on. Another good point you made was about both your father's presence and involvement in the lives of his girls. Sometimes having a present, but non-engaged father is almost as bad as having no father at all. I'm sure he's proud of both of you.
This was a great article. My questions is, how do girls with "daddy issues" overcome those issues and prosper into successfully relationships?
Lynn, I think they only prosper after having spent quality time with a therapist exploring their issues and learning to live with them. They must address them head on with a qualified expert and not allow the issues to unduly overshadow any attempts at having a successful relationship. Also, early honesty with your significant other will help with communication and understanding. Everyone comes into a relationship with issues...the relationship has a better chance of thriving when, at the appropriate time, issues are exposed and worked on together.
Ms. Wright, this was a wonderful Father's Day blog topic. Your dad sounds like mine! Aren't we both blessed to have been loved, nurtured, and taught by men like that!
Great aritcle!
I agree, an influential father figure in a daughter's life is soooo important. This write up touched on some very good points but also left alot of room for elaboration and other areas to be explored.
I also agree with Delano when he said, "having a non-engaged father is almost as bad as having no father at all." And that leaves me wondering.
My life...like me...is very different. I grew up in a household where my mother and father were together for a loooonnng time, before i even came along.
My mother and father had everything together except: the marriage title to seal the deal.
There is ALOT to my story about my mother and father; however, both of my parents showed me ALOT of love and taught me lessons. And even when they split up, they were both still in my life and despite their differences, my mother never kept me from my father.
My father was a very driven business savvy man. He had his own business and investments and always told me to never settle for less and to hustle for mine. I remember him telling me that's what he admired about my mother despite their disagreements and mistakes.
My father died when I was 15 and it was the hardest thing I had to deal with because my father had such an impact in my life.
Sometimes, I feel jaded towards relationships. I thought it was because of my last relationship which i was in for 7-years; but I don't think that's the case anymore.
I think I might be this way because my thoughts are: if one of the most prominent men in my life can leave me forever, then why can't another guy?
As a result of this way of thinking, I lost all hope in my last relationship and never put alot of hope into new ones.
I'm only 20-something too; but I feel old. And while I'm not a firm believer in titles and marriage per say, I still believe in unconditional love and respect because that's what I saw my parents show each other when their love was on high. But today, whether wed or un-wed, it's different...especially for the Black Family.
It's almost like, Black Love has really took a turn downhill.
This article hits so close to home… I am twenty-something as well. I am currently receiving help from a trained professional/therapist to address my “daddy issues”. I must say my sessions are helping me tremendously. I have a new outlook on how I engage/interact with males.
I went through past relationships never connecting with my partners emotionally and pushing them away because I didn’t want to be hurt. It constantly plagued me “If I wasn’t good enough for my Father to stick around then why would my partner?”
I am a late twenty something and I am glad that good fathers are getting the attention that they deserve. My father was more than an example of a man, he was my measuring stick for every man I have ever had a relationship with. I am grateful for ALL the men in my life; I have a brother and uncles that all helped to shape my expectation of men. As society continues to feed us with BS about what is and is not acceptable we have gotten away from what is really important about the family structure, the balance that two parents bring to a child is not one that can be ignored. For those who are single parents work on creating your village so that your child can benefit from the balance those other personalities provide. Both of my parents have had a tremendous influence on my life in equals parts, from things they did "wrong" and things they did "right" that combination of experiences has made me who I am today and I hope to be blessed so that my husband and I can provide our children that same opportunity in the future.
Great blog post girl! I too am my father's child. From looks to personality. I agree with you on so many levels. However I was raised soley by my father. He was my father and my mother. I have plenty of female friends that either don't know their father or know them but don't have the relationship. Over time through our friendship they have gained a father through my father. So to Lynn my suggestion is to engage with someone who you see as a father figure...grandpa, uncle, older cousin, etc. Having a father like relationship doesn't always have to be with your biological father.
Fortunately like you, I was raised with a perfect example of how a father and man should be. I used to joke around with him blaming him for the reason I sometimes found it frustrating to find men I felt were even close to his stature. My parents, who have been happily married for almost 40 years make it easy for me to still believe in a "Happily ever after..." regardless of how many frogs need to be pecked ;-)
Great article. thanks for sharing.
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