To my readers,
Because of your continued support, I've been blogging for 1.5 years now (where has the time gone)! I'm very grateful for the opportunity to "voice" my experiences and those of others in a format in which I can be completely candid and at times transparent. Thank you for being receptive to my words and offering your support by reading, commenting, starting discussions and passing the posts on to your friends. In the past year, I have been featured on LavaLife as a relationship blogger (check me out!) and have had my works recommended and submitted for inclusion in Honey Magazine, Essence and Chicken Soup for the Twenty-Something Soul. Because of such a positively, overwhelming response, I've begun to even outline a book (watch out Carrie Bradshaw)!
I have learned so much about men, women and most importantly myself through "researching" and writing each post and because of your hand in that, I offer my sincere thanks!
Live.Love.Learn...and then repeat!
"Ms. Wright"
Monday, December 1, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Excuses are Tools...
About two months ago I went through a “break up,” for lack of a better phrase. If you’ve been following uLive.uLove.uLearn for a while, you may have noticed a few posts regarding a relationship in which I dated, phased out, re-dated and fell in love with this guy I used to know. Well, the title of the blog isn’t specifically ordered live, love, learn for no reason. As you live your life, you will find love or have it find you and, whether or not it lasts four months or forever, you most certainly should learn from the experience.
I had no intention of even writing about the way it ended or why because, long in short, our time together was our time together and I've previously stated my theories on "reason, season, lifetime." But, in truth, it took me a long time to accept that reality. All along I “didn't want to hear” what he “didn't want to tell” me, especially when I’d previously defended the relationship and the emotions that came of it, to myself and others. But while engaging in conversation with other women about their experiences, I noticed a common, unhealthy pattern and it’s time for this to stop. Ladies, if you remember nothing else I ever write, remember this: STOP making excuses for men (and for your actions concerning them)! Seriously, it just makes you look stupid…bottom line. Stupidity can come in the form of, but is not limited to, the following phrases:
-“He’s young and doesn’t know what he wants.” (Do tell the appropriate age at which wisdom kicks in.)
-“He has trust issues/he’s been hurt in the past.” (Join the club!)
-“They didn’t officially break up because he didn’t want to hurt her feelings.” (What about yours?)
-“He thought a relationship would distract him from reaching his life goals.” (“I’m a movement by myself, but…”)
-“He has potential/good intentions.” (“The road to hell is paved with…”)
-“Technically, we weren’t together so it’s not really considered cheating.” (Define cheating. I’ll wait…)
-“But he loves me.” (My personal favorite.)
-“She’s not even cute!” (Since when does “it” have a face?)
Of course, there’s more, but you know what constitutes an excuse (to make apology for or to try to remove blame from) and how dumb you sound when you attempt to rationalize it, so the aforementioned should suffice. And please don’t give me that know-it-all response of, “It’s a legitimate reason,” because a reason (a statement offered in explanation or justification) for giving you anything less than you deserve is a terrible excuse just the same. Don't get me wrong, there are exceptions, but excuses and exceptions are two different things! I’m not angry with you, I am you; always willing to constantly give someone the benefit of the doubt even when they’ve repeatedly disappointed you. Save yourself the time and heartache and listen to his nonverbal way of saying, “I’m not the one.” Trust me on this, it will hurt more to ignore the obvious than to accept it for what it is and move on.
It’s very easy to justify actions or inactions because we are in love. I’m a huge advocate for love and loving hard, but we have got to do so with our head and heart alike. Love, or the prospect of it, can weaken the heart and mess with the mind of even the strongest people, which is why when one is badly affected; the other must take over in its place. Love is, by far, the most addicting drug of all and once diagnosed, there’s not a prescription you can think of to cure it or a vaccine to prevent it.
If you’ve followed the 2008 presidential campaign (Gooobama!), you might recall the candidates referring to Einstein’s definition of insanity (doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results). Well, my darlings, you must be out of your minds to think that he will stop doing something that you’ve continued to allow him to do. Here’s one other thing to remember: women set the tone in any relationship and men have two options: rock with it or roll out!
Comedian and radio host, Steve Harvey said it best in a response to one of his daily “Strawberry Letter” entries. Doing my best to paraphrase, he said that if a woman enters a relationship with no standards and requirements set in place (specifically on how she is to be treated), the man will have free reign to do what he wants. He also made it very clear that a woman is wasting her time to think she can change any man. Therefore, she can’t hit the rewind button once she feels disrespected and then try to enforce those standards and requirements. At that point, it is most likely too late for him. Conversely, if she is upfront and clear about her standards & requirements, he will make the conscious decision to step up to the plate or not.
Keep making excuses if you want to, but that is the “bare-naked truth” from a man. “Excuses are tools of the incompetent…,” so if you consider your relationship to be useless, hopeless and inept, keep on building those monuments, girls!
Live, Love, Learn and repeat!
I had no intention of even writing about the way it ended or why because, long in short, our time together was our time together and I've previously stated my theories on "reason, season, lifetime." But, in truth, it took me a long time to accept that reality. All along I “didn't want to hear” what he “didn't want to tell” me, especially when I’d previously defended the relationship and the emotions that came of it, to myself and others. But while engaging in conversation with other women about their experiences, I noticed a common, unhealthy pattern and it’s time for this to stop. Ladies, if you remember nothing else I ever write, remember this: STOP making excuses for men (and for your actions concerning them)! Seriously, it just makes you look stupid…bottom line. Stupidity can come in the form of, but is not limited to, the following phrases:
-“He’s young and doesn’t know what he wants.” (Do tell the appropriate age at which wisdom kicks in.)
-“He has trust issues/he’s been hurt in the past.” (Join the club!)
-“They didn’t officially break up because he didn’t want to hurt her feelings.” (What about yours?)
-“He thought a relationship would distract him from reaching his life goals.” (“I’m a movement by myself, but…”)
-“He has potential/good intentions.” (“The road to hell is paved with…”)
-“Technically, we weren’t together so it’s not really considered cheating.” (Define cheating. I’ll wait…)
-“But he loves me.” (My personal favorite.)
-“She’s not even cute!” (Since when does “it” have a face?)
Of course, there’s more, but you know what constitutes an excuse (to make apology for or to try to remove blame from) and how dumb you sound when you attempt to rationalize it, so the aforementioned should suffice. And please don’t give me that know-it-all response of, “It’s a legitimate reason,” because a reason (a statement offered in explanation or justification) for giving you anything less than you deserve is a terrible excuse just the same. Don't get me wrong, there are exceptions, but excuses and exceptions are two different things! I’m not angry with you, I am you; always willing to constantly give someone the benefit of the doubt even when they’ve repeatedly disappointed you. Save yourself the time and heartache and listen to his nonverbal way of saying, “I’m not the one.” Trust me on this, it will hurt more to ignore the obvious than to accept it for what it is and move on.
It’s very easy to justify actions or inactions because we are in love. I’m a huge advocate for love and loving hard, but we have got to do so with our head and heart alike. Love, or the prospect of it, can weaken the heart and mess with the mind of even the strongest people, which is why when one is badly affected; the other must take over in its place. Love is, by far, the most addicting drug of all and once diagnosed, there’s not a prescription you can think of to cure it or a vaccine to prevent it.
If you’ve followed the 2008 presidential campaign (Gooobama!), you might recall the candidates referring to Einstein’s definition of insanity (doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results). Well, my darlings, you must be out of your minds to think that he will stop doing something that you’ve continued to allow him to do. Here’s one other thing to remember: women set the tone in any relationship and men have two options: rock with it or roll out!
Comedian and radio host, Steve Harvey said it best in a response to one of his daily “Strawberry Letter” entries. Doing my best to paraphrase, he said that if a woman enters a relationship with no standards and requirements set in place (specifically on how she is to be treated), the man will have free reign to do what he wants. He also made it very clear that a woman is wasting her time to think she can change any man. Therefore, she can’t hit the rewind button once she feels disrespected and then try to enforce those standards and requirements. At that point, it is most likely too late for him. Conversely, if she is upfront and clear about her standards & requirements, he will make the conscious decision to step up to the plate or not.
Keep making excuses if you want to, but that is the “bare-naked truth” from a man. “Excuses are tools of the incompetent…,” so if you consider your relationship to be useless, hopeless and inept, keep on building those monuments, girls!
Live, Love, Learn and repeat!
Monday, October 27, 2008
Three Types of Love
I found this topic posted by Alex C. in 2005 and wanted to share. Described are the three types of love: eros, philos and agape.
Alex explains:
"In essence, eros love is "physical," philos love is "mental," and agape love is "spiritual." Thus, it is made up of the three fundamental elements of (wo)man: physical, mental and spiritual."
Please find the full post by clicking on the following link:
Seeker of Truth: The 3 Types of Love
Live.Love.Learn...and then repeat!
Alex explains:
"In essence, eros love is "physical," philos love is "mental," and agape love is "spiritual." Thus, it is made up of the three fundamental elements of (wo)man: physical, mental and spiritual."
Please find the full post by clicking on the following link:
Seeker of Truth: The 3 Types of Love
Live.Love.Learn...and then repeat!
Friday, September 19, 2008
Dear Ms. Wright
Dear Ms. Wright,
I am 24 years old and am still with my high school sweetheart. We’ve experienced our ups and downs over the many years, but we’ve stuck it out. Well, I think I’m hitting one of those “down” moments again. He is very focused on school and his budding career that I feel he leaves little time for me. I am trying to be patient with him, but it’s hard. He is so preoccupied with other things that it makes me feel isolated and in my own bubble. I met a guy who I fully intended to be nothing more than a friend, and although he knows about my boyfriend, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him and him about me. He’ll send me cute little reminders that says he’s thinking about me. It’s just a simple crush, nothing more. We don’t even live in the same state, but I’m intrigued because it’s something new and different than what I’m getting from my boyfriend. I know that if we were closer to each other, I could be headed towards trouble. Please help,
Attention-starved, age 24.
Dear Attention-starved,
I’m afraid what I may say will burst your bubble so get the parachute ready. As you know, from being in a relationship for as long as you have, it is important to find new ways to fall in love with the one your with. I’ve mentioned that before. Look at older married couples that have weathered the storms. While you may think it’s harmless to let this new guy blow some air in your bubble of isolation from time to time, remember not to let it inflate too big and result in you getting carried away.
Reminding yourself of why you fell in love with your boyfriend can be the first step in staying in love with him. Ask yourself: What attracted me to him? Why did I fall in love? What helped us get back up after our “down moments?” Reflect on the answers and bring it to your man’s attention. Let him know through your words and actions that you’re trying to “get that old (yet good) thing back!” Communicating your needs to him in a way in which you know he’ll be receptive (Note: this can vary from man to man and relationship to relationship) is extremely important. What I’ve been told is that while women let one un-related emotions influence another, men, on the other hand, tend not to let their emotions overlap. The way you may let a good day with him dictate a productive day at work/school, etc., he probably keeps school, work and his relationship with you in separate boxes, only dealing with one “box of emotions” at a time. It is our job, sadly, as women to remind men to reach for that relationship box more often.
Don’t be fooled, just like the new car smell, that “new feeling” can wear off if you let it. Most times, it’s not intentional and usually means that two people have reached a mutual level of comfort with one another. Be comfortable enough to talk to him, tell him how you feel and ALWAYS offer solutions for compromise. From his response (whether verbal or non-verbal), you can gauge one of two things: if it’s worth holding on or if you should let go and move on to something new.
Good luck and remember to live, love, learn…and then repeat!
I am 24 years old and am still with my high school sweetheart. We’ve experienced our ups and downs over the many years, but we’ve stuck it out. Well, I think I’m hitting one of those “down” moments again. He is very focused on school and his budding career that I feel he leaves little time for me. I am trying to be patient with him, but it’s hard. He is so preoccupied with other things that it makes me feel isolated and in my own bubble. I met a guy who I fully intended to be nothing more than a friend, and although he knows about my boyfriend, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him and him about me. He’ll send me cute little reminders that says he’s thinking about me. It’s just a simple crush, nothing more. We don’t even live in the same state, but I’m intrigued because it’s something new and different than what I’m getting from my boyfriend. I know that if we were closer to each other, I could be headed towards trouble. Please help,
Attention-starved, age 24.
Dear Attention-starved,
I’m afraid what I may say will burst your bubble so get the parachute ready. As you know, from being in a relationship for as long as you have, it is important to find new ways to fall in love with the one your with. I’ve mentioned that before. Look at older married couples that have weathered the storms. While you may think it’s harmless to let this new guy blow some air in your bubble of isolation from time to time, remember not to let it inflate too big and result in you getting carried away.
Reminding yourself of why you fell in love with your boyfriend can be the first step in staying in love with him. Ask yourself: What attracted me to him? Why did I fall in love? What helped us get back up after our “down moments?” Reflect on the answers and bring it to your man’s attention. Let him know through your words and actions that you’re trying to “get that old (yet good) thing back!” Communicating your needs to him in a way in which you know he’ll be receptive (Note: this can vary from man to man and relationship to relationship) is extremely important. What I’ve been told is that while women let one un-related emotions influence another, men, on the other hand, tend not to let their emotions overlap. The way you may let a good day with him dictate a productive day at work/school, etc., he probably keeps school, work and his relationship with you in separate boxes, only dealing with one “box of emotions” at a time. It is our job, sadly, as women to remind men to reach for that relationship box more often.
Don’t be fooled, just like the new car smell, that “new feeling” can wear off if you let it. Most times, it’s not intentional and usually means that two people have reached a mutual level of comfort with one another. Be comfortable enough to talk to him, tell him how you feel and ALWAYS offer solutions for compromise. From his response (whether verbal or non-verbal), you can gauge one of two things: if it’s worth holding on or if you should let go and move on to something new.
Good luck and remember to live, love, learn…and then repeat!
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