The One Before THE ONE

"Before me there were many. After me there will be none. I am the one.” –Jay-Z

This line in Jay-Z’s song, “Guilty Until Proven Innocent,” said so matter-of-factly, could make one miss the fact that it quite confidently crossed the line of conceit. This is probably why I repeated it so much (don’t judge me)! There was a certain assurance portrayed in his voice that said, in so many words, “you may have experienced quite a few prior to meeting me, but none of them come close to me, and it will be a waste of your time to think you’ll find better.” End scene.

I must admit, since I copped the Dynasty: Roc La Familia album in high school, I’ve kept this line as a frame of reference with me while being on anything from job interviews to first dates. The pompous declaration, if backed by actual evidence, was considered a one-two knockout in my book. And if you didn’t recognize me as the one at that time, you couldn’t say I didn’t tell you so when it registered later.

Self-assured? Absolutely. But sometimes it's necessary to have that way of thinking (not acting). If not me, then who?

If you’ve been sleeping under a rock, wake up and smell the roses…the wedding roses that is. We are smack dab in the middle of wedding season! I swear, since I hit the “mid-twenties” age range, I have attended more weddings than Elizabth Taylor has ex-husbands! And with every wedding invitation, save the date or relationship status change on Facebook comes inevitably, “the call.” You know, the call from your friend to say how shocked they are to discover that the person voted most likely to remain single (for whatever reason) is getting married.

But the worst of them all is when you learn your immediate ex is next in line to head down the aisle. The feeling can be absolutely devastating, particularly if you once imagined yourself meeting them at the other end. And even if you’ve come to grips with the break up, the fact that they’ve moved on and found something permanent in someone else before you still bites just a bit. You may develop what I call “Dumper’s Remorse” as my friend Sasha did just last month.

“Dumper’s Remorse” is the feeling of doubt that the dumper typically experiences after dumping the dumpee (get it?). It doesn’t necessarily occur immediately after the break up. It can lie dormant for months, even years, until situations just like the aforementioned arise. It is generally caused by the realization that single life may not be greener grass and that the issues that were prevalent while in the relationship, in hindsight, may not have been that bad. Whether the perception is temporarily clouded by current circumstances rarely tends to matter. The point is, you’re lonely and you want that old thing back…if only to pacify your existing whirlwind of emotions.

The group blackberry message notification on my phone one early morning signaled that whatever message was being transmitted was serious enough that the entire group needed to hear at once. And the message read, “(Ex’s name) proposed to his girlfriend. That should be me! I am officially the one before THE ONE.” To add insult to injury, Sasha’s ex proposed with a ring similar to that of her dream ring. Ouch.

Sasha's situation got me to thinking about how it must feel to put all your time and energy into your relationship, only for things to fall through and their next relationship turn into everything you wanted yours to be when with them. Here’s my two cents in two words: tough cookie. What? Were you expecting me to join in on your pity party? I refuse.

Yes, I acknowledge it sucks…majorly. What you have to remember is that things ended with your ex for a reason. As quoted by Jodi Lipper, “An ‘ex’ is called an ‘ex’ because it's an example of what you shouldn't have again in the future.” What good are a proposal and the perfect ring if it’s with the wrong person? Push through your second thoughts and pending regrets. Instead, boldly declare that you are the one for someone better and more deserving. Go into the next relationship recognizing all that you bring to the table and then…bring it! There’s no shame in being the wrong one before the right one. When the ring is on the other finger (get it?), it’ll all be worth it.

Live.Love.Learn...and repeat!

Song for thought: "The One," Mary J. Blige ft. Drake