Dear TONY: How Soon is Too Soon?

In July of 2007, I blogged on being in a “no strings attached” relationship. I told the story of my friend, new to single life, finding herself tangled up in a situation that she initially agreed to, but no longer wanted. Better late than never, here is my attempt at further exploring the topic of how soon is too soon to become physically intimate with someone. More specifically, I’ve been curious to know if there is potential for a relationship to form from a situation in which sex was introduced very early into the equation. There was a very insightful comment that was made on that blog and I’ve asked Jennifer Lindsay (JuJuBee925) to share her thoughts with us in detail. I appreciate her outlook and approach and hope you can as well.

WHAT SHE SAID:
When speaking about relationships the question of “How soon is too soon?” is always infused in every aspect/stage of the relationship. “How soon is too soon” to kiss, “How soon is too soon” for sex, “How soon is too soon” for marriage (or talks thereof), “How soon is too soon” for kids. In almost every stage, one or both parties of the relationship asks this question, “How soon is too soon?,” and I believe, undeniably, that the answer, no matter the stage of the relationship, rests within the specific situation and with the individuals involved. There is no “Set Time” or specific “Date of Copulation.” It’s a choice based off of gut feelings and instinct, and should never be about anything more or less than that.

In getting to the nitty-gritty of this matter, I believe, for the most part, that women are typically the individuals that control the first intimate encounter. And you have three different prototypical types of women, when it comes to handling this matter:

The Controller
The Loose Goose, and
The Free Spirit

The Controller is comparable to Joan, of Girlfriends, who has the standard “3 Month Rule.” While in theory, this rule seems appropriate, for it allows you and your soon to be partner to really get to know each other, it’s extremely conservative nature can keep you from some truly amazing guys. This system/way of thinking is problematic because every new and budding relationship is different. To begin a relationship starting with rules, to me, would send a red flag to a guy, that this woman has a need to control everything and isn’t a “go with the flow” type of individual, a trait that most guys posses. Also, what happens if you fall for the guy at week 6, you have to put those feelings on hold or even belabor taking that next step because it doesn’t fit into your timeline? I think having a rule disables you from being a “Big Girl” and making the choice yourself, so that if the relationship fails, you won’t have to be responsible.

The Loose Goose is more open... perhaps too much so. Now, I’m an advocate of doing what you feel, but there is a fine line that can easily cross into being easy. I believe that you should know a person and be comfortable with them, without the assistance of alcohol, before getting intimate. Being this type will often leave you jumping in and out of beds too quickly, without really knowing the guy you’re seeking. This type of woman confuses her gut feeling with other mental or physical emotions, which can ultimately spell disaster if she’s looking to be a girlfriend and not a booty call.

The Free Spirit is the ideal of the three. She is the “go with the flow” type. She uses her head and her heart when it comes to decision making and takes responsibility for the outcome, whether good or bad.

Can committed relationships form from situations where sex took place soon after meeting? I believe the answer is YES… and NO. Yes, it does happen, but, taking from the movie He’s Just Not That into You, that is more the exception than the rule. Does it happen to most girls, NO. I think that in the world of dating, everybody, men and women alike, should always prepare to be the exception but expect to be the rule.

In having sex “too soon,” I don’t believe that the person loses respect, but that couple really doesn’t know one another and makes them play catch-up, which in many cases is harder. It’s like you know their favorite bed position, but you don’t know their stance/position on current affairs, or their current position at work. If it seems backwards, it is.

All in all, know your mate and know yourself. The decision you make, in the end, will always be the best decision for you.
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In addition, I polled a few men on the topic.

WHAT HE SAID:
Can a relationship form from sex too soon? Would you lose respect?
• “Yes, a relationship can form. The only time you could say she ‘gave it up too soon’ is if it was the same day you met. That would impact my level of respect. Otherwise I'd assume you just know what you want.”
• “A woman should make every guy work for it - at least 2 months... You will really see if he's about games.”
• “My longest relationship came from a situation where we had sex within the first week! So my answer is yes, it can work. As a man, if I respect the female as a woman with class, while outside the bedroom, that respect isn't going to change by us having sex.”

If she asked you to wait, how long would you?
• “I could wait for as long as I cared to, and that’s just relative to whom I’m dealing with and what I feel for them.”
• “It would be a pain not getting any but I would respect it and her.”
• “A real interest in her would make a guy wait and he would get to spend more time around her if she doesn't give it up fast because he's going to try and impress her. It’s harder to ditch a girl you've become attached 2 rather than somebody u just (expletive). By giving it up too soon, that's a sure way to lose interest because he's already received the services - but with time, there’s a greater chance for a connection to be formed.”

Live, Love, Learn...and repeat!

Song for thought: T.O.N.Y., Solange


BECOME A FAN OF MS. WRIGHT ON FACEBOOK!

X.Oh, Ex.O*

"I don’t go to pieces when a relationship doesn’t work out. I just focus harder on making my more important friendships last longer. I disagree strongly with ending friendships and with keeping people out. Everyone has their own special qualities regardless of what they may believe is right. So, no, I don’t throw people away. I may sometimes put them in a little box too high to reach until I gain the energy and patience to deal with them again."

I recently stumbled upon this quote taken from a fellow twenty-something woman’s adaptation of The Rules, by dating coaches Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. In many instances, I’ve had the same ideals. Whether or not it’s best is the question at hand. You see, I have never had such huge falling outs with any true friends to where the aftermath didn’t allow for us to be, at least, genuinely cordial to one another. I’ve tried very hard not to hold grudges and to allow people to redeem themselves through their actions, in hopes they would give me the same consideration. But more specifically, there are times when the romantic connections, between men and women, well...disconnect and it makes me wonder, after a breakup, can exes be friends?

The first thing to note is that if you and your ex were never really friends to begin with, then you can forget about trying to forge a friendship now. Listen to me; there's a big chance it ain’t gonna happen, especially if the break wasn’t a joint agreement. A relationship correspondent for AskMen.com believes that, “…relationships rarely see mutual breakups. But the person who does the breaking up feels like less of a bad guy by offering that sense of truce: "It's not you, it's me. We'll still be friends, right?" This peace offering of friendship provides the dumper with the solace of knowing they aren't such a horrible person because they still want to be friends with their ex.” And, if you read, It’s Called a Breakup Because it’s Broken, you remember that the authors also interpret this tactic to be simply a rhetorical expression for the personal benefit of the dumper and not a literal means to spare the dumped.

Let’s walk through one of my analogies for a moment. We’re in a recession. As a result, people are losing their jobs and therefore can’t pay their bills, their mortgage. The prices of homes are going down, but people in the market to buy may still struggle with affording the down payment. It seems to be a lose/lose situation, resulting in a lot of empty homes. Conversely, women have been experiencing a male recession for quite some time.

The Housing Market
Doing my best to paraphrase, a good friend* recently said that there are many homes on the market, but no matter what the purchasing incentives are, if a man cannot or is not willing to make the down payment to solidify that he is serious about owning the home, he simply cannot be pressured into buying. To that I reminded him about the first time homebuyers’ programs, which most times waive the down payment and closing costs. But I caught myself. Those people typically have “good credit.” There are always exceptions, but trying to rent-to-own a “friendship” with an ex with the hope that he’ll one day buy into your idea of a relationship is not the way to go. If however, you’ve established “good credit” along the way, there may be an opportunity to, at least, remain friends.

With one of my exes, it was obvious that after only a few months as a couple, we weren’t as compatible as we were attracted to one another. There were no hard feelings and we, sporadically, keep in touch. And although our current terms are harmless, when asked by his wife, he denied that we were ever anything more than friends, because of her being opposed to any communication whatsoever. So on that note, comes my first of two examples:

O.P.P. (Other Potential Property)
Yes, I absolutely believe it is possible for men and women to be friends if the guidelines are set in the beginning. If both exes are clear that there is no chance to rekindle what was, then the two can possibly pull off a friendship, but the likelihood is well, unlikely. Additionally, if either person formerly involved in the relationship, currently has a significant other, seldom is any type of relationship with an ex appropriate because of the chance that someone will be insecure with the state of affairs (for lack of a better phrase).

The situation between me and another ex is a little different. To my knowledge, neither of us is actively engaged in a relationship. However, that doesn’t automatically signify friendship being in the cards. I think we can both agree to having had a very unique relationship, so for it to conclude when it did, the way it did came unexpectedly. This leads to my next example:

Buying For(e)closure
If one or both parties are still looking for closure from the way the relationship ended, the prospect of moving on as just friends can be unrealistic as well. Keep in mind: foreclosed homes come “as is.” They were lived in and when you purchase it, you’ll have to clean up the mess from the prior owner. If the previous owner couldn’t keep up with the mortgage, they most likely couldn’t keep up with repairs. You could potentially be looking at a total rehabilitation project that most aren’t willing to undertake. If the foundation isn’t strong, making renovations is pointless.

It truly depends on the state of the relationship while it was in play and how it ended. The best way to determine if you can maintain a friendship with an ex is to measure the dynamic, both romantic and platonic, the storms it weathered and if, after the storm, the foundation stayed intact. Whatever you do, don’t force it. Remember: reason, season, lifetime. And next time a potential relationship presents itself, make it a point to build a friendship first.

Good luck! Live.Love.Learn...and then repeat!

Not working out?
Song For Thought: We Can’t Be Friends, Deborah Cox & R.L.


Want to start your next relationship on a friendly turf?
Song for thought: "Step Further," Sol Edler (3rd song on playlist)

5 Reasons Being Single Sucks Even More Than You Thought

By Dan Seitz
Cracked.com
February 12, 2009

There's a lot to love about being single. You save money on Valentine's Day gifts, you get to meet new and interesting people and sometimes you even get to have sex with them.

But it's not all knocking boots and freedom. There are some aspects of single life that might, in fact, be seen as less than desirable. And then there are these five facts that will make you wish you got married in high school...

#5.You Get Paid Less
Single People Tell Themselves:

Of course my married co-workers take home a little more scratch than me! They tend to be older and lamer, and most corporate pay-scales are directly tied to how old and lame you are.

The Truth:

You've got one part right: Your married co-workers take home more money. Just how much you're getting cornholed depends on who you ask, but a recent study pegged it at about 27 percent.

But it's not just age. The above study was based on identical twins where the bachelor was just as educated as his married dopelganger. In fact, even if you and a married man do the same job at the same level of competence for the same number of years, the guy with the ring takes home more than you.

There are a couple of possible explanations for this and, contrary to what you might want to believe, none of them involve your boss being jealous of your electrifying sex life. The explanation married guys are most likely to cite is a little old fashioned elbow grease. It's hard not to hustle when the option behind door number two is "let your wife and kids starve to death." Meanwhile, single guys are more likely to take a sick day to sleep off an especially bad hangover, or quit a great job because the nachos in the cafeteria suck.

And even if you’re married co-worker is the slap dick and you're the responsible one, the perception still may not change. From your boss's perspective, that guy's money is going toward feeding his kids. Yours could be going toward any number of illicit activities he's vaguely aware of. One of those sex parties he's seen on those HBO documentaries, perhaps.

#4.You Work More
Single People Tell Themselves:

In an unprecedented act of kindness, American corporations decided their employees were working too hard and began enforcing something called "work/life balance." Of course they had their selfish reasons. A happier employee will do better work, and get sick less. But who cares? Less work means more time for us single folk to go out and have indiscriminate sex with one another, right?

The Truth:

If you're single, work/life balance is yet another way for the world to punish you for being unloved. One way the "balance" is enforced is the Family and Medical Leave Act, which gives any employee the right to take time off if a spouse, child or parent gets sick.

But what if you're struggling to save up enough money for a ring for your girlfriend of seven years when she gets hit by a bus? According to work/life balance, you'd better have some vacation time saved up. Otherwise, you're just going to have to learn to weep a little quieter, because you're sort of bumming out the rest of the folks in Accounts Receivable.

There's also the unofficial considerations. Married employees simply have more legitimate excuses to ask for time off: a kid's birthday party, an anniversary dinner, Christmas. Yes, single people are more likely to be asked to work on holidays. The logic goes: You're single, you don't have a wife or kids, what could you possibly have to do? It doesn't matter if you were planning to spend the day delivering presents to sick children. Someone's got to pick up the slack for the married guy who keeps taking time off to attend his daughter's dance recital.

But don't worry too much about vacation time. Thanks to something called per person double occupancy (PPDO), you wouldn't be able to go on good vacations anyways. Essentially, hotels, cruise lines, pretty much anything that isn't a plane or a train, is designed and priced for couples. The travel industry wants as many people as possible roaming the streets in a capitalist frenzy. The more people they can pack into a hotel or a cruise ship, the happier they are. If that means punishing you for being unloved, so be it. Maybe you'll learn not to be so lonely next time.

#3.The Government Hates You
Single People Tell Themselves:

The tax code has something called the "marriage penalty," which is supposed to make married couples pay more. See? Uncle Sam remembers what it was like to be a squirrel trying to get a nut.

The Truth:

Actually, 51 percent of married couples get a tax bonus, and it can be up to $1300 a freaking year. Just enough for your co-worker to take his wife on that Hawaiian vacation while you do all his work.

The benefit comes if there's an income disparity; i.e. one partner is making more than the other. If they're pulling in the mad bucks and their spouse is working a part time job, or just a full-time job that sucks, they wind up paying less. You're stuck with the full tab.

To add a little salt to the hemorrhaging wound in your bank account, married couples can choose to file jointly or separately. So they have plenty of wiggle room to get the lowest taxes possible. So basically, instead of getting a tax break, you're doing the equivalent of buying another wedding gift for all the happily married couples you know every April 14th.

And if you think the government's a dick to private citizens around tax time, you should try fighting wars for them. You might expect the military to pay people who get shot at pretty well, regardless of whether or not they're married. But in fact, a soldier with a ring on their finger is entitled to an extra $250 a month based on a piece of legislation left over from WWI called Family Separation Allowance. They also get an increased housing allowance, which is untaxed money. So basically, married soldiers get bigger houses and enough money to install a jacuzzi in the backyard. But hey, at least you single folks get to play the field in Iraq.

#2. People Hate You
Single People Tell Themselves:

Fine, so I'm poor, over-worked and my government hates me. So what? That doesn't mean I should rush into anything. Only fools rush in! Elvis said that, and he was practically a genius. It's not like I should shack up with the next biologically viable human being I pass on the street, right? Right?

The Truth:

Rutgers University did a study that gathered empirical data of social stigma associated with being single and, well ... it's not pretty. Single men were viewed as being stupid and dishonest, and single women were more likely to be harassed and treated badly at restaurants. In fact, the study yielded so much material, that report we linked up there runs 58 freaking pages.

Even with the divorce rate hovering around 50 percent, marriage is still considered the norm. And if you're single for too long, there's a chance you'll stay that way.
Time spent single is a lot like time spent in the bathroom. It's the most natural thing in the world, until you're there just a moment too long. But once you hit that point, there's no turning back. People start to wonder what's wrong with you. Gross images start popping into their heads. The next time they see you, you might smell a little funny to them. But hey, look on the bright side, at least nothing's actually wrong with you, right?

#1.You Are Going to Die Soon
Single People Tell Themselves:

Well, at least I have my health...

The Truth:

We'd hate to send the message that you single folks are all alone in this world, with nobody to rely on but yourself ... since you can't even rely on yourself, really. See, even your body hates you for being single.
Opinions vary on why single people are more likely to get sick and die. Some think it's because marriage offers moral support to get through the tough times. Others think it's just that a spouse is more likely to nag you into going to the doctor. Of course those are things you can counteract without getting married. Just buy a dog and schedule regular medical checkups, right?

But that won't change the fact that married people have a better immune systems than you. They don't have to be happily married. Even divorced people are better at fighting off illness. It's like marriage is an all purpose vaccination that never wears off.

You'd think the health care system would be designed to accommodate all the strange and fascinating diseases you single folks have waiting in your future. But married people get the better of that too, often choosing between two subsidized plans, and paying less per person. In fact, they get such a good deal that people literally get married just to get on their partner's health plan. While this might sound pathetic to you now, it will sound a lot more reasonable when you realize that the grapefruit sized lump on your neck isn't going to remove itself. If it does remove itself, you're probably going to have to go to the ER and get that shit stitched up.
But hey, happy Valentine's Day single people! You might want to hang onto all that money you're saving on gifts.

March Madness

As much as I enjoy basketball, I usually don’t get the chance to follow it like I want because seldom do I have an opportunity to sit still for more than an hour at a time. So, when the NCAA Championships come around and it’s time to fill out my bracket, I analyze all the seeds by rank, historic wins and losses and the strengths and weaknesses of the starting lineup. And sometimes, when I get midway through, I get lazy and just start to guess. Occasionally, I give the win to the underdog, while other times it just makes sense to hand them the upset considering the odds. I can only imagine what it’s like to be in charge of drafting the players. If you think analyzing 65 teams is rough, can you envision what it must take to analyze hundreds of players around the country? Majorly overwhelming. How do you know you’re not picking the wrong players, overlooking the right ones? I would assume it kind of takes the fun out of scouting at times.

I was reading through my friends’ Facebook statuses this morning when I came across this one: “This dating game is not a game anymore.” It was actually written by a guy! It made me laugh in agreement and then I got to thinking about how the dating dynamics have shifted.

I’m single (as if you didn’t already know). In every situation in which I was involved on some version/level of seriousness with a guy that resulted in termination, it was my choice. Now, in one or two instances, their intentional actions may have forced me to make that decision because (as emphasized in the last blog post) at times, were too apprehensive to just tell the person. But ultimately, it was my decision. I’m not saying I’m the bomb, although I am (smile), it’s just that for one reason or another it wasn’t working out and I either didn’t see the point in fighting for it, or there was no fight left in me, so I called it quits. Whatever the cause, I'd always get the universal response from others when I broke the news, “Oh well, it’s his loss.” Well, that phrase is beginning to frustrate me. In this dating game, at what point does “he” get tired of losing?

I am more than aware that, in line with my previous basketball analogies to dating, women are the coaches of their team and are in control of who they recruit and for which position. However, what I have a hard time accepting is that a guy can recruit me for his lineup as well and sometimes he’ll choose me to play a position that doesn’t highlight my strengths, adding little value to his team. In turn, I don’t play to my full potential and depending upon what position I’ve given him, I can go one of two routes: shine on every other player on his team to get the coach’s attention or request to be traded.

I’m stubborn (not always…but, I think it can come out in us all), so sometimes I feel like I don’t need to prove myself to any guy and therefore, have no problem leaving him with the loss. As far as I’m concerned, no one else on his team can perform like I can, so if he doesn’t want to start me, I’ll watch him lose…as a spectator. My mom claims I have absolutely no staying power because lately, my first reaction has been to walk. But as I see it, I’ve played enough games and I’m saving us both time.

Generally, as a result, the unfortunate occurs. He realizes he’s losing without me and wants me back on his team. Only this time, he wants me to play the position I was cut out for all along. And more often than not, by this time, I’ve found no need to be such an asset. While it’s always nice to be wanted, that doesn’t negate the fact that it’s completely irritating to be an afterthought!

So, I offer you a word of advice from one of my trusted advisors:

Be certain that the guy you’ve recruited to play on your team has a similar understanding as to your role on his. If you sit on this guy's bench, while he is a star player in your game, disaster is right around the corner.

In layman’s terms, “Don’t make someone a priority that only makes you an option.” Now, how you articulate those respective roles without scaring/scarring the other person is the tricky part. By nature, I always resort to sarcasm. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. You don’t have to tell them you’re looking for a husband, but a simple, "I'm not looking for a booty call" type of comment should send him the message to either remove you from his list of potentially easy “scores” or respectfully trade you so that his attempt doesn’t result in a technical foul.

Live.Love.Learn…and then repeat!