It's Not Me, It's You

After watching the Nightline segment on why successful black women can’t find men, I found it difficult to digest what was said. As a twenty-something single woman, about one-half of my black girlfriends are in committed relationships (with black men), one-third of which are engaged or married. I think the segment left women as confused as they were before it aired. After speaking with friends, a few questions surfaced:

1. Why aren’t we rephrasing the question to ask why men can’t find successful black women?

It has been stated that there are 1.8 million more black women than black men. If the ratio of eligible black men to women is so disproportionate, then why has it been so difficult for a man to find a woman? Women have taken on this problem as their own, without stopping to realize there is another person involved in the equation. The real answer lies in why the 54% of eligible black men aren’t finding black women, and if they are, aren’t marrying them. Are their standards too high? Are they overwhelmed with options? Are they commitment-phobes? None of these questions can be answered or determined because of something women do or don’t do. Meaning, it is not in our control, therefore, we shouldn’t be concerned with how to fix it. Talk about a power struggle.

2. How has this been pinpointed as a problem for black women and not all women?

While statistics show that 42% of black women have never been married, which is double the number of white women, it is important to remember that black women aren’t the only women suffering from the shortage of “eligible” bachelors. That is proven with the creation of so many reality shows focused on finding love. In the last ten years, network television has aired more than 39 relationship reality shows. In the history of The Bachelor, which first aired in 2002, the star of the show has always been a white male searching for love. With the exception of a few minorities, who never make it past the fourth episode, the overwhelming majority of bachelorettes are white. This season, more than 20,000 women auditioned for the show. This program is an example of how white women are just as perplexed at the inability to find a partner.

3. Why are we making the term “successful” synonymous with the type of career or how much money one makes?

It’s clear that success is defined as two different ideals among men and women. A male friend once said that most women base their success on accomplishments, while most men base their success on their ability to attract women. Whether or not this statement is completely accurate is left to the individual to decide. However, I can’t find it being too far from the truth. Instead, we should deem it successful that a man has no kids, no diseases and actually prefers women. As a remedy for this disconnect, the male panelists on Nightline suggest women identify success before it comes into fruition. By dating men who exhibit potential in becoming the successful man of their dreams, panelists say women will be more likely to find the man they seek. Speaking from experience, I’ve dated a lot of men with potential. The problem was I saw more potential than they did in themselves. A woman can have all the hope and support in the world for her man, but in order for things to happen, he's got to be the one to tap into those aspirations. I would suggest investing in a man that supplements what you lack, not complements what you can bring to the table. That way, you both learn and grow from each other.

Be open-minded and expect the best. With that attitude, you are bound to attract the man you seek. Live.Love.Learn...and repeat!

Let it Burn?

I came across an article in the Wall Street Journal today about what people hold onto and how they get rid of things after a break up and why. I, too, had a talking stuffed bear that I immediately dropped kicked off my balcony the day I found out my then-boyfriend had been cheating. Did it make me feel better? Yes! Did it change the fact that he cheated? Not so much! For nearly six months, I held onto emails written by another ex. I wasn't ready to let go and re-reading the letters surely didn't help. And while deleting the emails was the first step in nursing the wound, it failed at deleting him from my life altogether.

In the movie, "Waiting to Exhale," Angela Bassett's character, Bernadine, found temporary solace the day she cleared her husbands belongings from their house, placed them in his BMW, doused the car in lighter fluid and flicked her cigarette towards one of his most prized possession as she watched it burn in a blaze of fire. This was all done in response to him leaving her for another woman. It was a liberating scene that I'm sure got a lot of praise from the women in the audience. But does a break up, under any circumstance, warrant such a “heated” retort? And does it ever solve the real issue?

Before you go and "Bust the Windows" out his car, remember a Detroit woman's re-enactment of the notorius Waiting to Exhale scene resulted in an arrest on arson charges with a $3,500.00 bond. However you choose to cope, understand that throwing away/burning/shredding the evidence of a an old flame doesn't make the smoke clear any faster.

Read the WSJ article "The Post-Breakup Purge" By Elizabeth Berstein and comment below on how you best deal with a break up and how you dispose of the evidence.

Live.Love.Learn...and repeat!

Cheaper to Keep Her?

A friend forwarded this email sent to an ex after a recent break up. Talk about wanting closure...

Dear Ex Boyfriend:

Since you will not take my calls or respond to my text a letter is the only way that I can communicate to you. I just want to resolve the following issues that are still pending since the end of our relationship.

The couch payment… the payments are $190.00 until September which is $1520.00 or $1000.00 to pay it off now. I paid for the couch for January 2010 and you also verbally agreed to take care of that charge for our relationship ended on January 16, 2010 and I fully moved on January 17, 2010 you stated that you would reimburse me for that payment as well, which was made on January 23, 2010

The replacement of my broken radio which you promised to pay to replace and fix on February 4, 2010, the Chevy dealership has quoted me a price of $487.00 for parts and labor, but you stated that you found a cheaper alternative just let me know.

Transfer the AT&T account onto your own account since you have ordered me to “lose your number” I don’t think it wise to share a phone plan with someone who doesn’t want you to have their number. Also pay your last month bill for $300.00 for January and $130.00 to cover your February bill as well. If you choose to go back to T-Mobile a $150.00 early termination fee will be due as well for your contract expires December of 2011.

Finally I loaned you $100.00 for probation in which I also gave you a ride to on January 21, 2010 I need that amount back as well which you gave in writing was a loan and you would return to me upon your 1st check which you did not and stated on February 08, 2010 that you would give it to me after the 15th, today is the 17th of February.

It was my greatest pleasure to date and be intimate with you. I will miss you dearly but like wise people always say “time heals all wounds.”

I wish you nothing but the best and will always speak and keep you in a positive light when you are thought or spoken of; I hope that you can do the same for me. J

I love you and hope that you find success and happiness in ALL that you do.

Thank you, for ALL of the valuable lessons that you have taught me.


Fondly,
Ex Girlfriend



"Cheaper to Keep Her," Buddy Guy

Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough

The link below is an article written by Carrie Sloan for lemondrop.com. Interesting stuff!

As a twenty-something single woman, I can admit to sometimes fleeing men for superficial reasons. I am aware of those reasons failing to be a determining factor in whether or not a relationship can be fulfilling. Yet in the same breath, I've yet to feel pressured on "settling down" to the point that it matters.

I subscribe to the points made in this article. Carrie states, "If you're 22 or 26, get back on the bar and keep dancing. I, too, dated in a big city for a decade, and there's a time when a guy should be judged by nothing more than his potential to make an excellent post-mortem brunch story."

Marriage is forever. Until you know what you want and what you can offer, enjoy your singledom. However, when you are ready to commit for life, be realistic in your expectations.

Marry Him -- A Look At The Divisive New Book That Urges You To 'Settle'