The moment I called off my three-year, long-distance relationship at the end of my junior year of college, I dated non-stop, making up for all the missed opportunities I had while being a faithful girlfriend. Once I was free of any obligations, I took a long pause from taking any man seriously enough to be his girlfriend and have thoroughly (don’t think I can stress that enough through written words) appreciated the highs and lows of being single.
I’ve met some great guys along my single life’s journey and they’ve made great friends. One of which is my friend Mike*. He and I have been friends since our college days. We hit it off instantly. We share the same taste in music, a love of God and were born just two days apart. I believe in his dreams and support his decisions and he has been there for me in the same regard. Our friendship is easy. We give career advice, laugh and pray together and reel each other in when we start to get off track. We love one another like real friends should, never crossing the line. One night, Mike called to tell me it didn’t work out with his long-time girlfriend and as we were sharing advice from opposite perspectives, he approached me with “the pact.” If we were both still single at age 30, we’d get married. Thirty seemed so far away and marriage was the furthest thing from my mind so I agreed. Besides, Mike was hardly ever without a girlfriend and I knew neither of us would still be single at 30. When he would remind me of the pact, I’d brush him off, never taking him seriously.
Last month, I had an encounter with a complete loser and texted Mike to laugh and vent about it. The first text read: Strongly considering marrying you at 30. He responded: Do you mean it? I immediately thought maybe he’d had a failed encounter as well because the response we usually gave each other was more encouraging, suggesting that “the one” is still out there. So I called him, but he didn’t answer. The next day, I sent him an instant message and there was no reply then either. Something was up, so I shot him another quick message explaining that I was merely having a moment and there was no need for cold feet. His response: you know I love you, that’s not the issue. Afraid of what the real issue might be, I dropped the subject.
Two weeks had gone by since that conversation. As I was picking up some last-minute items at the store, Mike called me. With my hands full, I managed to only drop my jaw when he told me, “I’m having a baby.” I didn’t react verbally. “I plan to propose over the holiday weekend,” he continued. “I want you to meet her and of course be at the wedding after the baby’s born.” At a loss for words, I looked at the phone trying to process the news. I can’t remember what I said once I gathered my thoughts, but I don’t recall blurting out a congratulations. It was obvious I was let down by the unprotected sex, the fact that he’d never mentioned this woman before and the shotgun proposal. But it was clear to the both of us that those weren’t the only reasons I was upset. If he was proposing to his long-time girlfriend, I would’ve been prepared. This, however, was inconsiderate and abrupt. He was my back up plan!
You don’t have to tell me. I already know how ridiculous I sound, but I was truly and selfishly disappointed at the time. Not having met anyone even remotely close to being considered for marriage, I didn’t find a need to worry because when all else failed, at least I had Mike. But as I tip-toe along the threshold of my “late” twenties, 30 no longer seems so far away. With every great accomplishment, such as obtaining a graduate degree and purchasing my first home, comes the constant question of marriage from family and now even my friends. It’s finally hit me: there’s no backup plan when it comes to love. So what do you do when there’s no plan B (no pun initially intended)? It’s a hard pill to swallow, but necessary to digest. I’m still searching for the answer to what I know is a rhetorical question, but in the meantime, Live.Love.Learn…and repeat!
*Name has been changed to protect identity.
I’ve met some great guys along my single life’s journey and they’ve made great friends. One of which is my friend Mike*. He and I have been friends since our college days. We hit it off instantly. We share the same taste in music, a love of God and were born just two days apart. I believe in his dreams and support his decisions and he has been there for me in the same regard. Our friendship is easy. We give career advice, laugh and pray together and reel each other in when we start to get off track. We love one another like real friends should, never crossing the line. One night, Mike called to tell me it didn’t work out with his long-time girlfriend and as we were sharing advice from opposite perspectives, he approached me with “the pact.” If we were both still single at age 30, we’d get married. Thirty seemed so far away and marriage was the furthest thing from my mind so I agreed. Besides, Mike was hardly ever without a girlfriend and I knew neither of us would still be single at 30. When he would remind me of the pact, I’d brush him off, never taking him seriously.
Last month, I had an encounter with a complete loser and texted Mike to laugh and vent about it. The first text read: Strongly considering marrying you at 30. He responded: Do you mean it? I immediately thought maybe he’d had a failed encounter as well because the response we usually gave each other was more encouraging, suggesting that “the one” is still out there. So I called him, but he didn’t answer. The next day, I sent him an instant message and there was no reply then either. Something was up, so I shot him another quick message explaining that I was merely having a moment and there was no need for cold feet. His response: you know I love you, that’s not the issue. Afraid of what the real issue might be, I dropped the subject.
Two weeks had gone by since that conversation. As I was picking up some last-minute items at the store, Mike called me. With my hands full, I managed to only drop my jaw when he told me, “I’m having a baby.” I didn’t react verbally. “I plan to propose over the holiday weekend,” he continued. “I want you to meet her and of course be at the wedding after the baby’s born.” At a loss for words, I looked at the phone trying to process the news. I can’t remember what I said once I gathered my thoughts, but I don’t recall blurting out a congratulations. It was obvious I was let down by the unprotected sex, the fact that he’d never mentioned this woman before and the shotgun proposal. But it was clear to the both of us that those weren’t the only reasons I was upset. If he was proposing to his long-time girlfriend, I would’ve been prepared. This, however, was inconsiderate and abrupt. He was my back up plan!
You don’t have to tell me. I already know how ridiculous I sound, but I was truly and selfishly disappointed at the time. Not having met anyone even remotely close to being considered for marriage, I didn’t find a need to worry because when all else failed, at least I had Mike. But as I tip-toe along the threshold of my “late” twenties, 30 no longer seems so far away. With every great accomplishment, such as obtaining a graduate degree and purchasing my first home, comes the constant question of marriage from family and now even my friends. It’s finally hit me: there’s no backup plan when it comes to love. So what do you do when there’s no plan B (no pun initially intended)? It’s a hard pill to swallow, but necessary to digest. I’m still searching for the answer to what I know is a rhetorical question, but in the meantime, Live.Love.Learn…and repeat!
*Name has been changed to protect identity.
11 comments:
I'm currently in the same boat. Cheers to finding a plan A, B & C next time!
Deep!
"a hard pill to swallow" you think you are slick?? Was that another case of"no pun initially intended"? nice post
I think if you want to be married enough, then you don't settle. It sucks that your back-up plan didn't have a back-up plan and is now linked to a woman he probably doesn't have that much in common with. But you can't get caught up on someone else's series of bad choices. There is another one for you still out there.
"...Because when all else failed, at least I had Mike" she wrote. It’s funny how our “plan B” can often be someone else’s plan ONLY! Being the educated, progressive, God fearing, favored, socially conscience people that we are, most of us are well aware of the fact that more than 70% of families of color are without a male in the home; let alone a biological father. For Mike* to be in his position, he’s probably considered a plethora of possibilities. Mike sounds like a MAN who made up in his mind that within God’s Permissive Will, this was the BEST Decision to make. Mike probably was a romantic at one point in his life. Watching films with his long time girlfriend like The Notebook and Love Jones after cooking a three course meal accompanied by Kem’s II gently playing in the background as the soundtrack for the evening. Mike probably saw himself playing the field a bit more after experiencing the let down of that relationship (and others like it) only to realize that the answers he sought couldn’t be found in the embrace of the broken hearted. Mike probably was at war within his members to sit patiently healing from his past while being in conflict with the presumed “need” to be affirmed by someone whose touch was a mere substitute for the Divine he sought. After many encounters with his immediate “needs” being met, Mike probably said to himself, “this isn’t the man I desire to be”. In changing his actions, Mike probably prayed and asked God for direction and clarity as to where his next steps would take him and while seeking stability, Mike probably found himself approached by the reality of his actions. In all of this, Mike probably found Love. Maybe not the “Love” found in the films we praise and best model our lives after, but TRUE LOVE. That DECIDING kind of LOVE. I mean that “I could fall back into my old ways but I choose not to” kind of Love. That “what I’m building is worth the sacrifices I’m making right now” kind of love. That “it’s not about me anymore” kind of Love. I mean that, “even though it hurts me, I must” kind of Love. Mike probably took one look in the eyes of the woman he’s decided to marry and it brought him a since of peace. Mike probably said to himself, “Thank you Lord for providing me with someone who loves me and most of all loves you”. Mike probably said to himself, I have always dreamed of the day I would be a Father and Husband and I now willingly embrace my fate. From the sound of your description, Mike sounds like a catch. Maybe Mike should have been your Plan ONLY and not your “Plan B”. Not saying that he would have leap frogged the gents you were considering, but if he was good enough to be “Plan B”, then why not A? I mean, ask future Hall of Famer Tom Brady if he saw himself as a “Plan B” while sitting behind Drew Bledsoe. Ask Michael Jordan if saw himself as a “Plan B” while being selected second overall by the Chicago Bulls and not first by the Portland Trailblazers. Ask Mike if he saw himself as a “Plan B” when being considered to invest everything he’s ever wanted, hoped for, and dreamed into someone who might have eventually done the same if _________ wasn’t first available for the offer. I pray that you find what you seek, and that your prayers are answered. May those who think their “Plan B’s” will remain their “Plan B’s” quickly reconsider. For it was Joseph Campbell that once said, “We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us”.
- A Man Like Mike*
*Name changed to protect the identity of the innocent
CLEARLY the commenter above me is *Mike... and if not, a man with some serious emotional issues.
On another note, many women will relate to your story of having a "plan B"... many men will, too. Unfortunately in this case, your plan B didn't have Plan B when needed. It is terrific, however, that he is choosing to do the right thing and own up to his responsibilities... IF he actually loves this woman which, considering the first time you heard of her happened after she was already pregnant, does not sound like the case. I wish him the best.
As for you, there's something else out there. Remain patient, sista.
Because you claim to be a “man like Mike,” it doesn’t surprise me that you based your response on my line about turning to Mike “when all else failed.” That’s something he would focus on as well (smile). Let me remind you that, as I stated in the post, he established the pact, therefore establishing me as his plan B first. He set the stage. I was the understudy. No offense and none taken but, Plan ONLY wasn’t an option he put on the table, nor was it a role I was willing to play at that time. Bygones.
Moving on, I don’t discredit Mike as being the MAN that I have always known him to be. I sincerely respect him for the seemingly-difficult decision he’s made – in spite of his BOYISH actions that got him to this point. However, as a real friend, who’s invested a great deal of care and concern for him, I have the right to be upset and to question whether or not his BEST decision, albeit admirable, is the RIGHT decision. What’s clear, from your very accurate portrayal of what Mike may be experiencing, is that he is not only trying to convince others that this will work out for the best, but more importantly, himself. If my assumption is correct, I pray that he finds the true peace he seeks, and that his prayers are answered.
Let it be known that this “argument,” for lack of a better word, is not really about a plan B, it’s about a missed opportunity that’s been unspoken, yet acknowledged by both Mike and me. As you confirmed, Mike was (past tense) a catch. Looking back, he had everything on my checklist except one: the timing wasn’t right. And now, time is up. In the words of Mark Twain, “I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.” Such is life.
Live.Love.LEARN…and repeat!
"Before me there was many; after me there will be none
I am the one."
Anything other than top choice shouldn't be an option for you, Ms. Wright. Love is not a safety net, it's a platform.
Interesting post and even better comments.
I truly pray that it works out for Mike. If he's anything like the gentleman who posted the comment--which we all think is him--I'll go out on a limb and say that I'm confident that he's going to be a great father and husband. Blessings to him and his new family.
In general, I feel as if this is a good lesson for both men and women--keep your eyes open. So often, we ask God to give us certain things and certain people...and because of His love for us, He does. The question is, will you recognize it/him/her when He sends them? Well, my prayer is that, the next time a divinely orchestrated opportunity arrives at your doorstep, we all not only recognize it for what it is but have the courage to take it.
Last point---there aren't many "good [God-fearing, college-educated, childless, no record, straight, unattached] guys" left...so ladies, if you find one of us (esp. us brothas), you betta get 'em while you can. LOL
Only a loving and loyal friend could have looked beyond the pseudonym also known as "Mike's" supposition of plan B. I find it to be both an emotionally reckless and negligent statement relegating any "Sistah" to a seat other than First-Class. In the worlds of Vice President Biden's now deceased mother, while commenting on Senator John McCain's vice presidential selection of Sarah Palin, "God love him!"
Could this be a situation of spiritual irony?
Remember in "The Color Purple," a cultural cult classic, after the dinner scene when Celie made her decision to leave with Shug Avery, and is getting into the car? She says, with those three-fingers pointed towards Mister the quintessential line, "the jail you plan for me is the one you're gonna rot in." Seems like the plan B that the pseudonym known as "Mike" had for you, he ended up (symbolically) in himself? I am relatively certain a baby before marriage was not his plan A.
I say, Ms. Wright, you should thank God for the view, and not the seat.
Life, at some point, forces each of us to examine our model that determines when we're ready for marriage. I argue this belief system should not be like that of your parents', grandparents', sistahs' or society's expectations. One must go on their own internal sense of knowing and create your own model for when you are right, your circumstances are right, and your Mr. is Wright.
There is no such thing as a person being a "Plan B." Either you are the one or you are not...plain and simple. It is better to remain single than to settle on a Plan B. (Easy for me to say since I married Plan A and we are still together almost 30 years later.) This was a very, very strong post, Ms. Wright (as they always are). My honest reaction is that when you stand before God,your family, your friends, and most importantly your husband on your wedding day, your heart and your head better be telling you that the man you are about to marry is not "Plan B". If you "settle", you are living a lie. Marriage is hard enough on its own to work, but if you enter it handicapped, the journey is that much harder. While it might have been cute for the two of you to refer to each other as each other's "Plan B", I doubt either one of you were genuinely serious about the potential for marriage to each other. You both sound like two level-headed best friends who would have quickly done the mature thing and decided to remain friends and not spouses. Plan B marriages are good fodder for Hollywood movies, not real life!
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