Ever been on a date or encounter with the opposite sex that is so ridiculous that you're just waiting for Ashton to jump out and say you've been punk'd? Each Friday this month, I'll post a real-life dating catastrophe. Have a story you want to share? Email me!
It began fair enough. We sat down for drinks at the bar at Tabard Inn where a loud, pretty woman with two men was ordering rounds of tequila shots and a couple loners were eating dinner. The bar was crowded, and felt more crowded because of its low ceilings and dark walls. The bartender was mixing complicated drinks gracefully and putting spears of pearl onions into martinis.
As I had suspected from studying his eHarmony photos, Jack had bad personal style. He was wearing a cheap blue button down shirt with unremarkable jeans, and some kind of unforgivable black footwear. He had his hair spiked up like a fifteen year old and a freshly cropped goatee. Basically, though, he was handsome and had a lean linebacker's build.
The first red flag came early. I ordered prosecco and he ordered a club soda with lime. Now, when a man at a bar on a first date orders a club soda with lime, he is making a point. Either he is a teetotaler, which is unlikely because a teetotaler is generally married by age 23, or he is a recovered alcoholic. Why recovered alcoholics can't just order a less dramatic drink like a Coke is beyond me. Anyway. Club soda. Red flag. I held my tongue, which I'm sure you all may be surprised to hear.
Conversation was easy, and yet I cringed every time he made veiled references to my eHarmony page. "I saw on your page that you like sushi. I was like, phew! I have to date someone who likes sushi." Or, "I saw on your page that you like dogs. I like dogs, too!" Super, Jack. That's great. We're in a public place. Stop with all the eHarmony talk.
So, the woman is ordering tequila shots and the bartender, who is very skilled but also very high- strung, is thinking he's above pouring tequila shots for this bimbo and her coterie. The highlight of my evening so far had been watching the bartender mix arcane drinks--something about communism and vermouth, and port wine and beer. They were complicated drinks. Jack began to tell me about his MFA program, and especially his theory class. He mentioned Heidegger, and I asked him to tell me more. I was interested in Heidegger because Chris Catanese had made some annoying comment on Facebook a couple weeks ago about objective realism. Well, Jack couldn't remember much from his theory class. More on WHY he probably couldn't remember in a bit.
He revealed that he lived in an apartment without an oven. Considering that one of his "interests" as displayed on his eHarmony profile was "cooking", I found the lack of oven strange. Perhaps, I thought, this was part of his bohemian artist lifestyle? And yet, I had never seen a more bourgeois looking artist in my life. He could've been a general manager at Kohl's. He talked a little about an artists' residency in upstate New York, and how he had been a carpenter (like Jesus!) before he devoted himself to art. It was surprisingly dull to hear about. After I finished a glass of Chardonnay, we left to go to dinner at Sushi Taro.
As we walked into the restaurant, he admitted that he hadn't made reservations. Well, you fucking idiot, then we can't eat here. It's Saturday night and one of the busiest restaurants in DC. We asked the host at the front door, "For two?" And she looked at us like, "No, you fucking idiots, we are booked all night." So, I suggested we get some oysters on the half shell at Hank's around the corner. Lucky for us, there was a table for two when we arrived. We were chatting, and eating, and I have to say that he was handy with oysters. I can't tolerate people who can't at least approximate comfort with raw oysters. We also had collard greens which were too tangy, and Brussels sprouts which were pretty good, and then he wanted more oysters. Fried. I thought, more oysters?! Yes, he wanted more.
He told a strange story about how on one of the Great Lakes his family would have a big lobster boil with bibs and everything by the shore. I thought to myself, that's strange. Lobsters on the Great Lakes.
I said, "Are there lobsters in the lake?"
He said, "No."
I said, "Where do you get all the lobsters then?"
He said, "We buy them at the store."
This seemed like a strange thing to do at the lake.
I had had three glasses of wine and so was feeling loose. Then I revealed that we had a Facebook friend in common. Even more to the point, I said, "So, you don't drink?" And he said, "Not tonight."
I said, "Have you ever?"
He said, "Well, yeah. I used to drink a lot. I go to AA meetings now."
I said, "Oh, that's nothing to be ashamed of. I know people in AA."
The only people I knew in AA were my horrible ex-boyfriend and his histrionic sister. But I was trying to be generous.
He said, "I can't believe I'm telling you this. I just...know that I don't like the effect drinking has on me, and I had to stop. I've been sober for six years."
I said, "Congratulations. That's really great. I am trying to be more moderate."
He said, "Yeah. My grandparents had it, my parents had it. Missed my sister. But I got it."
Then I was feeling really keyed up.
I said, "Did you do drugs?"
Now, when I said "drugs" I meant marijuana.
He said, "Oh yeah, sure. I smoked pot every day in high school. Then I started with the acid."
"Acid!" I said.
He said, "Yeah, acid."
He said, "I was a crack head until 2004. A crack head in Gary, Indiana."
Friends, I was speechless. He went on.
"I was a crack head in Gary, Indiana. I started with cocaine and then went on to crack. I dropped out of Drake University and it took over my life."
I said, "Well. I've never met a real crack head before." He kind of smiled, I guess.
I said, "How do you smoke crack anyway?"
He said, "You get some steel wool and burn it, and then put the crack rock on it and light it, and smoke it from a pipe."
The explanation was more nuanced, but I was kind of drunk by that point, and also--on a date with a CRACK HEAD.
I ate a fried oyster. It was squishy. I thought about eating more Brussels sprouts but they were too meaty in texture. No one should cook Brussels sprouts cut in half like that. You've got to cut them into quarters at least. Now, I'm imagining this man in front of me huddled over a burning crack pipe in some squalid opium den in GARY, INDIANA, fifty pounds thinner, emaciated, the heat isn't on, people are walking in and out, there's a dead baby in the corner like in Trainspotting--I think I mentioned the dead baby in Trainspotting to him when I asked how to smoke crack--and I had to stop for a moment. I had to have a moment to myself.
Normally, in this type of situation, I start careening into a death spiral of self-pity, the axis of which is the question, "How could my life have gone so terribly astray as to lead me here, to this very moment, on a honest to goodness date with a recovering crack head?" I thought, my ancestors didn't toil on some distant wheat field or graduate school for this. Not for THIS. Not so a crack head could take me on dates! No sir!
I excused myself and rushed to the bathroom, where I called Lucia frantically. Thank the good God that as soon as I got back to the table, she returned my call, which played perfectly into the story I had just fabricated about needing to leave to Georgetown to help a friend in need. The call went like this:
Lucia: "Hey chica! How is the date?"
Me: "Oh, no. I thought so. M Street? OK. No, it's fine. Just calm down. Yes, I can get a cab. See you in a sec."
Lucia: "Cam? You there? What's going on?"
Me: "Yes, yes. I'll be there in a second. bye!"
I said, "Jack, I'm so sorry to cut our wonderful evening short, but my friends are very important to me and she really needs my help." Oh, I gave him all kinds of elaborate details about this imaginary Georgetown scene. I, myself, almost began to believe it. He said, "Let me at least walk you home!" I said, "No, that will not be necessary." He said, "Let me at least hail you a cab!" Now, I knew that I was walking back to Birch's apartment, which was located approximately one block away. Lucia called again.
Lucia: "Cam? Everything ok?"
Me: "Ok ok! I am on my way right now! Hailing a cab! Smith Point? OK, see you in a few minutes. Deep breaths. It'll be fine."
Lucia: "What are you talking abou--"
I hung up. Looked at Jack apologetically. "Well, this was lovely! Thanks for the oysters!" I jumped into a cab and said to the cabbie, "Look, I know this is weird but please go away quickly from here I just need to be taken around the corner ooooo quickly ok, right here, great, fine, thanks bye!" I gave him a five dollar bill and ran into Birch's building.
Submitted by Cameron
Read her blog here
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