Many times throughout life, we are faced with the past, present and future effects of a particular four-letter word. Whether or not we are aware of or admit to its presence, no one is immune to its impact on our lives and our relationships, or the lack thereof. It is the difference between being content versus truly happy; being stagnant versus progressing onward; between trying and succeeding. It represents the unknown, and at the same time, the all-too familiar. It is fear, the most popular four-letter emotion.
Fear is an emotional response to threats and danger that is related to the specific behaviors of escape and avoidance. Fear is often connected to pain. It is a survival mechanism, and usually occurs in response to a specific negative stimulus (Wikipedia).
As it relates to dating and relationships, people are afraid of many things for many reasons. Whatever the individual case may be, what I’ve found to be the most common reasons people fear anything or anyone is because of its ability to reveal truth and happiness.
We all know the notorious scene from the movie, A Few Good Men, when the characters played by Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson are in a heated court-room argument. Tom demands to be told the truth when Jack replies, “You can’t handle the truth!” Many of us fear searching for the truth because what we may or may not find could be out of our control. However, the truth can only be discovered when we are open-minded and realistic about the outcome.
Happiness, on the other hand, is not something you search for; it isn’t something that can be given to you. Instead, happiness should be defined by your ability to maintain a positive outlook in every situation.
I’ve known a lot of people to remain within a deteriorating relationship because they feared the ultimate heartache of being alone and/or having to “start from scratch” in finding and trusting in someone new. Conversely, I’ve come in contact with those who remain single because of their fear to commit. It is when the ideals of both internal struggles coincide that causes an external conflict between two people.
Since the beginning of their five-year relationship, Joy* searched for clues to prove that her man was cheating. She couldn’t fathom the thought of one man being satisfied with one person. Her actions were an attempt to avoid the disappointment that resulted from a failed relationship between her parents. Yet when her boyfriend finally confessed to cheating, she stayed with him. Her reasons for staying weren’t in hopes that she could work with him through his bouts of infidelity, but for fear of having to share with and learn someone new coupled with the feeling of being unwanted by anyone else.
To overcome fear, one must inherit an attribute of courage. We have a tendency to talk ourselves out of bravery because we fear that of which we’ve yet to experience. Many of us would rather walk blindly in our comfort zone of misery, because it is to what we’re accustomed, than to be exposed to something different and unfamiliar.
Think about how fear has interfered in your relationship(s) and/or how it has hindered the development of one. As mentioned before, no one is immune from possessing a spirit of fear. However, before we can even imagine experiencing the emotion of love with another person, we must learn not to surrender to fear and instead lean on the other “f” word…faith.
“A man without fear is a fool. But, a man that succumbs to his fear is a coward.” –Unknown
Live.Love.Learn...and then repeat!
*Name has been changed to protect the individual's identity.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Dear Ms. Wright
Dear Ms. Wright,
I live with my boyfriend and although I love him, right now, I don’t like him. He lacks the common sense that I believe is necessary in a relationship and I find myself taking my frustration out on him. Sometimes I feel like I’m not cut out for a relationship. Every time I think I need to leave and just cut my ties, he will turn around and do or say something that will make me realize I can’t just give up and quit. He will do something that will wake me up to realize it is not going to be easy, I may not have what my parents had right away and that it will take time and effort. He’s a good guy, just last week he cooked dinner with candles and wine. But most times, I get bored and there are things that I want to do in life that a relationship may hinder. I feel like I’m the guy in the relationship. I think any normal female has it in her nature to give to others first and take care of herself last, but I’m the opposite. I don’t know what to do, if I should leave or go.
Lost in Love, age 24.
Dear Lost in Love,
Two things to which I have to bring immediate attention: A guy once quoted me a phrase that stuck, “To expect more than will ever come always brings disappointment.” Unfortunately, we can't expect a lot from men...hell, from anyone. What one may consider common sense, another may consider rocket science. Common sense can’t be taught, it is something you either have or you don't. Don’t expect him to know what you want from him, communicate it. Secondly, you implied that because he cooks nice meals for you, and the like, and because you aren’t as emotionally invested, that you are the “guy” in the relationship. We have to get out of the habit of assigning certain roles for men and women in relationships, myself included. Be careful of what you say as not to degrade the worth and work of some women or take away credit due to some men.
It sounds like the two of you are viewing the relationship with two different perspectives, but don’t worry, this tends to be very common. Most times, couples are quick to declare being on the same page with their mate, yet in fact, they’re on the same page in two totally different books, ya dig? If you want to be with him, it’s going to take a compromise. Since you’ve made the conscious decision to no longer be single, it’s time to start considering his wants and needs. If you don’t think you can do that, then love him enough to leave him alone. There are plenty of women out there that complain about not being able to find the man that you now have at home.
Before considering his, are you clear on your own wants and needs? My suggestion is that you both write out a list of life goals. I know you live together, but find some time to be alone and write one list of aspirations for the year and then a five-year plan. When you’ve both completed your lists, sit down together and compare. Yes, this sounds corny and typical, but trust me, it can work. Be sure that you’re making a personal list and writing down goals for you, as an individual. As you read over each goal, see how the other person can help or hinder you from obtaining it and make take mental notes. Make another list that encompasses what you want and need from a relationship. Post the lists on the refrigerator or on the bathroom mirror, a place where you both can refer to them often. Check things off as you accomplish them. For every goal you reach with his help, celebrate together and measure how much of a complement he is to your life versus a detriment.
You’re right in saying that most women are naturally givers and nurturers, but at this point in your life, it’s okay to be selfish. It's hard for some to fathom, but it's absolutely necessary, especially at our age. We're young. We can't possibly help others if we have yet to help ourselves. Now is the time to take care of and establish ourselves as individuals before we are placed in situations where it is our sole responsibility to help others, like marriage and parenthood. Remember, being selfish doesn't equate to being a bitch. So if it helps, instead of using the word selfish, let’s substitute it for sufficient. I have a friend who once said, “If you don't have anything to bring to the table don't even ask to be seated.” It’s perfectly fine to feel that loving you means more to you than loving him. But if that is the case, don’t waste any more of his or your time.
Good luck and remember to live, love, learn…and then repeat!
I live with my boyfriend and although I love him, right now, I don’t like him. He lacks the common sense that I believe is necessary in a relationship and I find myself taking my frustration out on him. Sometimes I feel like I’m not cut out for a relationship. Every time I think I need to leave and just cut my ties, he will turn around and do or say something that will make me realize I can’t just give up and quit. He will do something that will wake me up to realize it is not going to be easy, I may not have what my parents had right away and that it will take time and effort. He’s a good guy, just last week he cooked dinner with candles and wine. But most times, I get bored and there are things that I want to do in life that a relationship may hinder. I feel like I’m the guy in the relationship. I think any normal female has it in her nature to give to others first and take care of herself last, but I’m the opposite. I don’t know what to do, if I should leave or go.
Lost in Love, age 24.
Dear Lost in Love,
Two things to which I have to bring immediate attention: A guy once quoted me a phrase that stuck, “To expect more than will ever come always brings disappointment.” Unfortunately, we can't expect a lot from men...hell, from anyone. What one may consider common sense, another may consider rocket science. Common sense can’t be taught, it is something you either have or you don't. Don’t expect him to know what you want from him, communicate it. Secondly, you implied that because he cooks nice meals for you, and the like, and because you aren’t as emotionally invested, that you are the “guy” in the relationship. We have to get out of the habit of assigning certain roles for men and women in relationships, myself included. Be careful of what you say as not to degrade the worth and work of some women or take away credit due to some men.
It sounds like the two of you are viewing the relationship with two different perspectives, but don’t worry, this tends to be very common. Most times, couples are quick to declare being on the same page with their mate, yet in fact, they’re on the same page in two totally different books, ya dig? If you want to be with him, it’s going to take a compromise. Since you’ve made the conscious decision to no longer be single, it’s time to start considering his wants and needs. If you don’t think you can do that, then love him enough to leave him alone. There are plenty of women out there that complain about not being able to find the man that you now have at home.
Before considering his, are you clear on your own wants and needs? My suggestion is that you both write out a list of life goals. I know you live together, but find some time to be alone and write one list of aspirations for the year and then a five-year plan. When you’ve both completed your lists, sit down together and compare. Yes, this sounds corny and typical, but trust me, it can work. Be sure that you’re making a personal list and writing down goals for you, as an individual. As you read over each goal, see how the other person can help or hinder you from obtaining it and make take mental notes. Make another list that encompasses what you want and need from a relationship. Post the lists on the refrigerator or on the bathroom mirror, a place where you both can refer to them often. Check things off as you accomplish them. For every goal you reach with his help, celebrate together and measure how much of a complement he is to your life versus a detriment.
You’re right in saying that most women are naturally givers and nurturers, but at this point in your life, it’s okay to be selfish. It's hard for some to fathom, but it's absolutely necessary, especially at our age. We're young. We can't possibly help others if we have yet to help ourselves. Now is the time to take care of and establish ourselves as individuals before we are placed in situations where it is our sole responsibility to help others, like marriage and parenthood. Remember, being selfish doesn't equate to being a bitch. So if it helps, instead of using the word selfish, let’s substitute it for sufficient. I have a friend who once said, “If you don't have anything to bring to the table don't even ask to be seated.” It’s perfectly fine to feel that loving you means more to you than loving him. But if that is the case, don’t waste any more of his or your time.
Good luck and remember to live, love, learn…and then repeat!
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Sorry I Left You…
So it’s been well over a month since I’ve posted a blog. To all of you who’ve been asking me about a new post, I apologize for the delay and I appreciate you sticking with me. Long story short, in a short amount of time I had some major life changes occur. While they were all positive changes, the whirlwind has taken its toll on me and I got into a routine and comfortable in my new environment and therefore neglected uLive.uLove.uLearn. But this example, and some others I’ve come across lately, has pulled me back to my laptop to write. How many times have things been just right in our relationships to where we get comfortable with the way things are and in turn, take those things and people for granted?
I have a friend who has been dating her man exclusively for about a year. Their dating situation may have started off a little differently than most, as he was already committed to someone else when they started dating. Apparently, the situation became too overwhelming for her and she fought tooth and nail, literally, to claim him as her own. Fast forward a year, they are now an exclusive couple, but her fire and desire for him has since fizzled. It makes perfect sense. We’ve all been in situations where we’ve wanted something we couldn’t have and once we got it, we didn’t want it anymore. The very thing we thought we couldn’t be without, we later found out we never needed to begin with. It’s the law of attraction, the thrill of the chase.
None of us should be naïve to think the honeymoon phase lasts forever. Musiq said it best when he sang, “everything is cool when love is all brand new…” In the beginning, you’re learning each other and things are fresh and exciting. But after a while that great thing fades into a good thing. And slowly but surely, if you let it, finishing each other’s sentences goes from being cute to predictable and hardly ever spontaneous and thus, boredom starts to settle. Know this: It’s not what you do to keep it new, it’s what you don’t do to keep it from getting old. Okay, so that was about as deep as a dinner plate, but what I mean is, don’t get so ‘laxed to the point that you start to take the one you love for granted. I don’t mean for you to be on edge. What I’m suggesting is that you do things that you know you’ll be able to maintain over the course of the relationship and if there are something that you know you can’t uphold, pull those treats out for special occasions.
For example, I’m sure the majority of my female readers have all seen the Sex and the City movie (if you haven’t, stop reading and see it immediately). Ladies, DO NOT turn into a Miranda! If you have a man who absolutely adores you, show him you care and if you do nothing else, keep that “situation” under control, PLEASE! The flirty panty and bra sets you used to sport should not have turned into granny panties over the course of your bond with one another. There is a level of comfort in every relationship, but damn, some things should just never change. And if you must wear granny panties, and we all own a pair, please, for his sake, don’t make it a routine. We all know how sexy lingerie not only looks, but makes us feel. It’s the same way a stiletto shoe adds an extra bounce of swagger in our step. It will be reflected in the way you carry yourself and, trust me, he’ll appreciate you for it.
Aside from the obvious, there are so many other factors that can drive a wedge in a relationship and most times, it’s due to comfort which, inevitably, leads to neglect (see “The Relationship Life Cycle” (Jan. 2008)). But fear not, this is something that you can control. Throw a couple curve balls in the relationship to keep the party going. Finding new ways to love the one your with may not be easy, but it can also be so much fun!
Live, Love, Learn…and then repeat!
Song for thought: "Comfortable," Lil' Wayne ft. Babyface
I have a friend who has been dating her man exclusively for about a year. Their dating situation may have started off a little differently than most, as he was already committed to someone else when they started dating. Apparently, the situation became too overwhelming for her and she fought tooth and nail, literally, to claim him as her own. Fast forward a year, they are now an exclusive couple, but her fire and desire for him has since fizzled. It makes perfect sense. We’ve all been in situations where we’ve wanted something we couldn’t have and once we got it, we didn’t want it anymore. The very thing we thought we couldn’t be without, we later found out we never needed to begin with. It’s the law of attraction, the thrill of the chase.
None of us should be naïve to think the honeymoon phase lasts forever. Musiq said it best when he sang, “everything is cool when love is all brand new…” In the beginning, you’re learning each other and things are fresh and exciting. But after a while that great thing fades into a good thing. And slowly but surely, if you let it, finishing each other’s sentences goes from being cute to predictable and hardly ever spontaneous and thus, boredom starts to settle. Know this: It’s not what you do to keep it new, it’s what you don’t do to keep it from getting old. Okay, so that was about as deep as a dinner plate, but what I mean is, don’t get so ‘laxed to the point that you start to take the one you love for granted. I don’t mean for you to be on edge. What I’m suggesting is that you do things that you know you’ll be able to maintain over the course of the relationship and if there are something that you know you can’t uphold, pull those treats out for special occasions.
For example, I’m sure the majority of my female readers have all seen the Sex and the City movie (if you haven’t, stop reading and see it immediately). Ladies, DO NOT turn into a Miranda! If you have a man who absolutely adores you, show him you care and if you do nothing else, keep that “situation” under control, PLEASE! The flirty panty and bra sets you used to sport should not have turned into granny panties over the course of your bond with one another. There is a level of comfort in every relationship, but damn, some things should just never change. And if you must wear granny panties, and we all own a pair, please, for his sake, don’t make it a routine. We all know how sexy lingerie not only looks, but makes us feel. It’s the same way a stiletto shoe adds an extra bounce of swagger in our step. It will be reflected in the way you carry yourself and, trust me, he’ll appreciate you for it.
Aside from the obvious, there are so many other factors that can drive a wedge in a relationship and most times, it’s due to comfort which, inevitably, leads to neglect (see “The Relationship Life Cycle” (Jan. 2008)). But fear not, this is something that you can control. Throw a couple curve balls in the relationship to keep the party going. Finding new ways to love the one your with may not be easy, but it can also be so much fun!
Live, Love, Learn…and then repeat!
Song for thought: "Comfortable," Lil' Wayne ft. Babyface
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Be the Perfect Boyfriend…
A reader forwarded me this...it's cute and funny. Enjoy!
By Amy Spencer
It’s amazing how much my “ideal boyfriend” list has changed over the years. Just to give you an idea, here’s a sample of what I’ve looked for in the past:
Perfect boyfriend list circa 1986: Cute. On lacrosse team. And, like, totally likes me. Perfect boyfriend list circa 1996: Has a great job. Social. Lives in same city. Perfect boyfriend list circa 2006: Big heart. Faithful. Fun. Potentially a great dad.
Even now, with all we know of love and life, when women start listing what we’re looking for in a guy, it still usually starts with his looks, his location, his job, or OK, maybe his sense of humor. But the truth is that any man – any height, any place, any job – can be the perfect boyfriend if he expresses the qualities that women really want. The things that speak to our hearts and affect us on a daily, weekly or monthly basis: The things we often forget we want in a guy until we see a John Cusack movie.
So I dug into my past experiences (good and bad) and talked to other women about what they’re looking for to come up with an ideal list. If we put one perfect boyfriend on order, here’s what comes with the package.
Read more at: Be the perfect boyfriend...
By Amy Spencer
It’s amazing how much my “ideal boyfriend” list has changed over the years. Just to give you an idea, here’s a sample of what I’ve looked for in the past:
Perfect boyfriend list circa 1986: Cute. On lacrosse team. And, like, totally likes me. Perfect boyfriend list circa 1996: Has a great job. Social. Lives in same city. Perfect boyfriend list circa 2006: Big heart. Faithful. Fun. Potentially a great dad.
Even now, with all we know of love and life, when women start listing what we’re looking for in a guy, it still usually starts with his looks, his location, his job, or OK, maybe his sense of humor. But the truth is that any man – any height, any place, any job – can be the perfect boyfriend if he expresses the qualities that women really want. The things that speak to our hearts and affect us on a daily, weekly or monthly basis: The things we often forget we want in a guy until we see a John Cusack movie.
So I dug into my past experiences (good and bad) and talked to other women about what they’re looking for to come up with an ideal list. If we put one perfect boyfriend on order, here’s what comes with the package.
Read more at: Be the perfect boyfriend...
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