So it’s been well over a month since I’ve posted a blog. To all of you who’ve been asking me about a new post, I apologize for the delay and I appreciate you sticking with me. Long story short, in a short amount of time I had some major life changes occur. While they were all positive changes, the whirlwind has taken its toll on me and I got into a routine and comfortable in my new environment and therefore neglected uLive.uLove.uLearn. But this example, and some others I’ve come across lately, has pulled me back to my laptop to write. How many times have things been just right in our relationships to where we get comfortable with the way things are and in turn, take those things and people for granted?
I have a friend who has been dating her man exclusively for about a year. Their dating situation may have started off a little differently than most, as he was already committed to someone else when they started dating. Apparently, the situation became too overwhelming for her and she fought tooth and nail, literally, to claim him as her own. Fast forward a year, they are now an exclusive couple, but her fire and desire for him has since fizzled. It makes perfect sense. We’ve all been in situations where we’ve wanted something we couldn’t have and once we got it, we didn’t want it anymore. The very thing we thought we couldn’t be without, we later found out we never needed to begin with. It’s the law of attraction, the thrill of the chase.
None of us should be naïve to think the honeymoon phase lasts forever. Musiq said it best when he sang, “everything is cool when love is all brand new…” In the beginning, you’re learning each other and things are fresh and exciting. But after a while that great thing fades into a good thing. And slowly but surely, if you let it, finishing each other’s sentences goes from being cute to predictable and hardly ever spontaneous and thus, boredom starts to settle. Know this: It’s not what you do to keep it new, it’s what you don’t do to keep it from getting old. Okay, so that was about as deep as a dinner plate, but what I mean is, don’t get so ‘laxed to the point that you start to take the one you love for granted. I don’t mean for you to be on edge. What I’m suggesting is that you do things that you know you’ll be able to maintain over the course of the relationship and if there are something that you know you can’t uphold, pull those treats out for special occasions.
For example, I’m sure the majority of my female readers have all seen the Sex and the City movie (if you haven’t, stop reading and see it immediately). Ladies, DO NOT turn into a Miranda! If you have a man who absolutely adores you, show him you care and if you do nothing else, keep that “situation” under control, PLEASE! The flirty panty and bra sets you used to sport should not have turned into granny panties over the course of your bond with one another. There is a level of comfort in every relationship, but damn, some things should just never change. And if you must wear granny panties, and we all own a pair, please, for his sake, don’t make it a routine. We all know how sexy lingerie not only looks, but makes us feel. It’s the same way a stiletto shoe adds an extra bounce of swagger in our step. It will be reflected in the way you carry yourself and, trust me, he’ll appreciate you for it.
Aside from the obvious, there are so many other factors that can drive a wedge in a relationship and most times, it’s due to comfort which, inevitably, leads to neglect (see “The Relationship Life Cycle” (Jan. 2008)). But fear not, this is something that you can control. Throw a couple curve balls in the relationship to keep the party going. Finding new ways to love the one your with may not be easy, but it can also be so much fun!
Live, Love, Learn…and then repeat!
Song for thought: "Comfortable," Lil' Wayne ft. Babyface
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Be the Perfect Boyfriend…
A reader forwarded me this...it's cute and funny. Enjoy!
By Amy Spencer
It’s amazing how much my “ideal boyfriend” list has changed over the years. Just to give you an idea, here’s a sample of what I’ve looked for in the past:
Perfect boyfriend list circa 1986: Cute. On lacrosse team. And, like, totally likes me. Perfect boyfriend list circa 1996: Has a great job. Social. Lives in same city. Perfect boyfriend list circa 2006: Big heart. Faithful. Fun. Potentially a great dad.
Even now, with all we know of love and life, when women start listing what we’re looking for in a guy, it still usually starts with his looks, his location, his job, or OK, maybe his sense of humor. But the truth is that any man – any height, any place, any job – can be the perfect boyfriend if he expresses the qualities that women really want. The things that speak to our hearts and affect us on a daily, weekly or monthly basis: The things we often forget we want in a guy until we see a John Cusack movie.
So I dug into my past experiences (good and bad) and talked to other women about what they’re looking for to come up with an ideal list. If we put one perfect boyfriend on order, here’s what comes with the package.
Read more at: Be the perfect boyfriend...
By Amy Spencer
It’s amazing how much my “ideal boyfriend” list has changed over the years. Just to give you an idea, here’s a sample of what I’ve looked for in the past:
Perfect boyfriend list circa 1986: Cute. On lacrosse team. And, like, totally likes me. Perfect boyfriend list circa 1996: Has a great job. Social. Lives in same city. Perfect boyfriend list circa 2006: Big heart. Faithful. Fun. Potentially a great dad.
Even now, with all we know of love and life, when women start listing what we’re looking for in a guy, it still usually starts with his looks, his location, his job, or OK, maybe his sense of humor. But the truth is that any man – any height, any place, any job – can be the perfect boyfriend if he expresses the qualities that women really want. The things that speak to our hearts and affect us on a daily, weekly or monthly basis: The things we often forget we want in a guy until we see a John Cusack movie.
So I dug into my past experiences (good and bad) and talked to other women about what they’re looking for to come up with an ideal list. If we put one perfect boyfriend on order, here’s what comes with the package.
Read more at: Be the perfect boyfriend...
Monday, March 31, 2008
When Giving Up Is Hard to Do
It’s never easy saying goodbye to someone you care about. What can make it even more difficult is knowing you may never see them again; or as in my case, realizing they may never see you. But I’m not using the word “see” in the literal sense. Instead, I’m implying that they may never see you for more than meets the eye because of whatever personal matters are obstructing their view. And overtime, you will come to a point when you have to decide whether or not to make one last attempt to give it your all in an effort to open their eyes or to completely give it up; keeping in mind that it may actually mean the end.
I firmly believe that people are in your life for a reason, season or lifetime. And it's been said that as soon as you discover a person’s term in your life as anything short of a lifetime, you should refrain from keeping them around past their expiration date. And although this sounds simple in theory, I realize now, more than ever, how difficult letting go may be, particularly when the person once came in the form of a good friend.
Until recently, I was an extremely guarded and apprehensive person when it came to dating. Because of the unfulfilled relationships I’d been involved with in the past; it was difficult for me to want to be open-minded about a successful one. I knew I wanted a monogamous, committed and loving relationship, yet internally, I struggled with the emotional investment that it entailed. As I saw it, to be emotional meant to show vulnerability and vulnerable I was not! I’d spent so much time trying to figure out how and why men think and act the way they do, devoting little to no sentiment, that I was becoming the “man” in dating relationships. It got to the point where my friends, both men and women, wanted to date like me; coming to me for advice. Then I met him.
I’ve played against some pretty good competition before. I’ve won some and have definitely lost some. But for the first time, I’d finally met my match. I’m talking about the guy who makes you not even want to play the game anymore. All the strategies I’d picked up, all the rules I’d vowed to stick by…they all went out the window. There was something different about how he made me feel that let me know it was worth a try. I knew that if I treated this situation like every other, trying to be anyone other than myself; I’d be wasting my time. I was going to not only show him, but more importantly prove to myself that I was ready for what I claimed I wanted all along. The risk would be finding out exactly who I was in the process and even exposing flaws at times. But a great risk can bring great reward and all I could do was hope that he’d appreciate the person I’d become when it was all said and done.
Today, I am an emotionally sincere and more confident woman than I was four months ago. I have a better sense of what it takes and how it feels to be ready for the relationship I desire. I have grown a lot in a short period of time all because I found someone worth growing for…me. For his help in getting me to this point, I am thankful. But there’s nothing more difficult than having to accept that while you’ve been making progress, the other person remains stagnant due to the issues that still cloud their own vision. And no matter how bright your new light may shine, if they don't open their eyes, they'll never see.
Giving up is hard to do, especially when you believe so strongly in the potential that you both exhibit. But sometimes it’s necessary to give up some things and people in order to make room for what’s better. Being the hopeless romantic that I am, I still wait for the day that he’ll truly notice me. And if I’ve moved on when that time comes, I have faith that if it’s meant to be, he’ll come find me. But should that day never arrive, I have the pleasure of knowing that because of this situation, I am a better person. I gave it my all and, therefore, I’m left with no regrets.
If you’re holding back from someone that you know deserves more from you, by all means, stop procrastinating and be proactive in allowing them get to know the real you. Let go of the things that distract you from happiness. I stand by what I wrote in the beginning of the year: “A reward comes to those who unselfishly give of themselves to others…if you give it your best effort, the return can be quite worthwhile.” And even if things don’t work in your favor in this circumstance, take what you’ve learned and invest with the change you've been given. Your “return” may come in a different and greater form than the one you initially expected.
uLive.uLove.uLearn…and then repeat!
Song for thought: “Givin’ Up” originally by Donny Hathaway OR "Givin' Up" performed by Jennifer Holliday
I firmly believe that people are in your life for a reason, season or lifetime. And it's been said that as soon as you discover a person’s term in your life as anything short of a lifetime, you should refrain from keeping them around past their expiration date. And although this sounds simple in theory, I realize now, more than ever, how difficult letting go may be, particularly when the person once came in the form of a good friend.
Until recently, I was an extremely guarded and apprehensive person when it came to dating. Because of the unfulfilled relationships I’d been involved with in the past; it was difficult for me to want to be open-minded about a successful one. I knew I wanted a monogamous, committed and loving relationship, yet internally, I struggled with the emotional investment that it entailed. As I saw it, to be emotional meant to show vulnerability and vulnerable I was not! I’d spent so much time trying to figure out how and why men think and act the way they do, devoting little to no sentiment, that I was becoming the “man” in dating relationships. It got to the point where my friends, both men and women, wanted to date like me; coming to me for advice. Then I met him.
I’ve played against some pretty good competition before. I’ve won some and have definitely lost some. But for the first time, I’d finally met my match. I’m talking about the guy who makes you not even want to play the game anymore. All the strategies I’d picked up, all the rules I’d vowed to stick by…they all went out the window. There was something different about how he made me feel that let me know it was worth a try. I knew that if I treated this situation like every other, trying to be anyone other than myself; I’d be wasting my time. I was going to not only show him, but more importantly prove to myself that I was ready for what I claimed I wanted all along. The risk would be finding out exactly who I was in the process and even exposing flaws at times. But a great risk can bring great reward and all I could do was hope that he’d appreciate the person I’d become when it was all said and done.
Today, I am an emotionally sincere and more confident woman than I was four months ago. I have a better sense of what it takes and how it feels to be ready for the relationship I desire. I have grown a lot in a short period of time all because I found someone worth growing for…me. For his help in getting me to this point, I am thankful. But there’s nothing more difficult than having to accept that while you’ve been making progress, the other person remains stagnant due to the issues that still cloud their own vision. And no matter how bright your new light may shine, if they don't open their eyes, they'll never see.
Giving up is hard to do, especially when you believe so strongly in the potential that you both exhibit. But sometimes it’s necessary to give up some things and people in order to make room for what’s better. Being the hopeless romantic that I am, I still wait for the day that he’ll truly notice me. And if I’ve moved on when that time comes, I have faith that if it’s meant to be, he’ll come find me. But should that day never arrive, I have the pleasure of knowing that because of this situation, I am a better person. I gave it my all and, therefore, I’m left with no regrets.
If you’re holding back from someone that you know deserves more from you, by all means, stop procrastinating and be proactive in allowing them get to know the real you. Let go of the things that distract you from happiness. I stand by what I wrote in the beginning of the year: “A reward comes to those who unselfishly give of themselves to others…if you give it your best effort, the return can be quite worthwhile.” And even if things don’t work in your favor in this circumstance, take what you’ve learned and invest with the change you've been given. Your “return” may come in a different and greater form than the one you initially expected.
uLive.uLove.uLearn…and then repeat!
Song for thought: “Givin’ Up” originally by Donny Hathaway OR "Givin' Up" performed by Jennifer Holliday
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Is He the One? (part two)
One of my readers sent me this. It couldn't have come at a better time! It's important to be mindful that as we ask this question of others, we are exhibiting an answered "yes" to a person of significance that may ask this question of us. Read, reflect and if necessary, re-evaluate...
Is He the One?...The Right One?
First we must allow our Heavenly Father to do the picking. And second, the decision for a mate must be made on a spiritual and intellectual basis before it's made on an emotional one.
"What about love? Shouldn't that be the third? you ask. No, and I'll tell you why. "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17:9).
The heart is willful and is driven by its own agenda. It does not consider things rationally and intelligently it just loves to love! Therefore you have to point it in the right direction: "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the well spring of life" (Proverbs 4:23)! Whenever you meet a man, you need to get clearance from God, check out his attributes, and then allow your heart to engage.
Dating exists not for mating; it exists for collecting data. I believe that the biblical design would be friendship, courtship and then marriage. Friendship is two people walking together in agreement and accountability, learning and growing together. Courtship follows the mutual agreement to commit to one another exclusively - it is the decisive turning toward the agreed-upon goal of the marriage altar. It is a period of laying a foundation and preparing your life together after marriage. But dating? Well, if you do date, use the time wisely to gather these facts.
1. Check out the fabric. Is the person mate material? Does this man have an intimate relationship with the Father through Jesus Christ? Does he care what God thinks about his behavior? Is he accountable to God as well as another co-laborer in the faith? Accountability is an important factor. It is imperative to maintaining a committed relationship. Is your potential spouse a member of the same family - the family of God?
You need to have common interests and values and agree on the essentials of living day to day. You have a similar spiritual walk. You eat the same spiritual diet. You enjoy a lot of similar things. You have like interests, like goals in life, like opinions on basic life issues. You have had like experiences in your background. Though there is some truth to the idiom that opposites attract, like-minded folks fare better together. Furthermore, does he want to get married? If you want to be married and your dreamboat isn't interested, don't waste your time.
Remember, women fall in love and get married. Men decide to get married and then look for a wife. Note the difference in order. So if a guy says he's not looking for anything serious, take his words seriously. If he's not going in your direction, get off the bus and wait for the right one.
2. Does this man want you? Is he pursuing you? The man who is right for you will pursue you, and God's hand in the relationship will be clear. No guessing, no fleeces, no dead ends. Scripture says: "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord" (Proverbs 18:22).
Note -who finds whom? THE MAN FINDS THE WIFE. From the beginning of time, God has transported men and women across the world in order to put them together.
At the RIGHT TIME, He will bring that man on the scene and he will find you. In God's perfect design, the man is the one who recognizes his mate. Adam had no problem recognizing that Eve was his missing rib. You do not need to strategically place yourself anywhere. You don't have to help a guy out because he's shy! Men will do whatever they have to do to get what they truly want. The man in your life should recognize you as the pearl of great price in his life and be willing to do whatever he must in order to gain your hand. If he is passive about gaining your affections, take it as a sign that he is not interested.
Many a woman's mother has suggested that it is a good idea to marry a man who loves you more than you love him. As cold as that sounds, it actually might be scriptural if you stop to think about it: "We love him because he first loved us" (1 John 4:19). Until then, take the ultimate chill pill . You don't need a bunch of men in your life to make you feel all right about yourself. You need only one man - your man, the one God has selected to select you. And trust me, the right man at the wrong time can be just as awful as the wrong man at any time. So trust God's timing in this. He is the ultimate matchmaker. Relax, sit pretty and allow yourself to be found. Again - WAIT until the man voices his intentions. He should take the lead in establishing the relationship. You may have an inkling that he is the one, but God will use the man to set the tone of the relationship. Allow him the opportunity to woo you - this is your first act of submission. Jesus set the standard for all men to follow. They should love us first. And they should lead the relationship.
3. The man in your life should not desire to move into your house, only into your heart . A man who prepares for your future has made his intentions clear. A man who is husband material has the means to take care of a wife. He is a responsible human being who understands he needs to have something to offer. In short, a man should have the means to be a suitable lover for you.
4. Check out his buddies. Everyone knows birds of the same feather flock together, yet most women fail to see the connection between a man and his friends. A man's pals tell you a lot about the person that you haven't seen yet. They reveal things about the guy's character that might be hidden when he is on good behavior. Everyone knows how to put his best foot forward. Don't stay focused on the foot, check out the rest of the body!
5. Check out his relationship with his mother. How does he treat her? This is your preview of how he will treat you. There are lots of men who, because of a negative relationship with their mothers, really don't like women, yet say they do. Unresolved issues between mother and son continue between husband and wife.
6. Remember that a man's family reveals the cloth from which he's cut. Take note and decide whether you want your future with the man in your life to look like his present family situation.
7. Check out the patterns of his life. Do you see repeated cycles of drama in his personal kingdom? Broken relationships? Problems in making commitments --including the job market? Mood swings? Is a problem always someone else's fault? Does he embrace responsibility or shirk it? Does he keep his promises? Is he a man of good reputation? Remember all garments look wonderful hanging in the store, but with wear, some begin to unravel. Give yourself time and space to check out the man in your life. Time will always reveal whether or not he is made of the right stuff.
8. Does this man have a vision for his life? Is he running with that vision? Remember, God decided Adam needed help once Adam got busy DOING his assignment. As we saw Adam, a man doesn't need help until he is busy doing what he was created and called to do. Is the man in your life guided by sense of destiny and purpose, or does he just allow life to happen around him? A man who is not certain of his mission can be a most miserable person - and you'll be miserable too if you don't know where YOU want to go in life. A man who has vision is not intimidated by a woman whose mission statement is clear. He will be your best ally, cheerleader and assistant because he wants you both to make it! A man who cannot be supportive of your achievements because he is floundering in a sea of uncertainty over his own life is not a healthy partner to have and to hold forever.
Creating dependencies or feelings of obligation is not the way to get the best out of your man. Somewhere along the way, he will resent you and flee from the smothering burden of obligation he associates you with. You want a man who is firmly anchored in his identity in Christ. Remember, we are looking for a man who will be priest and leader of his home. His first instinct should be to want to cover you, redeem you, and provide for you. Your job is to decide if this is the man God has ordained for you to complement.
9. Complimentary. Do your talents and gifts complement his? Do his gifts, compliment yours? What about your temperaments? Do you see the two of you as an effective team capable of bringing blessing to the lives of those around you? Do your futures mesh? Can you coordinate your gifts in an attractive and effective way?
This is why knowing your purpose is so important. Make sure your hearts beat for mutual causes. When I go shopping I always consider the fabric, the fit and what I already have in my closet. Will my next purchase be a complimentary addition to what I already have? If I find that I am going to have to buy shoes and matching accessories to go with a new outfit, I leave it right on the rack. It is too expensive a proposition. If the man you meet makes you feel that you need to completely reinvent yourself, something is wrong.
This is where I ask you to consider the relationship in terms of cost. Is this relationship expensive spiritually, emotional or physically? Does your longing for a mate make you willing to forfeit who you are in the process? Or does he see you as the gift that you are? The man in your life should consider you a rare find, a priceless jewel-because of you he is getting ready to get blessed big-time! Any relationship that causes you to feel unworthy, unlovely, unacceptable, undesirable or that you have to work for love, is too expensive!
God has called the man to cover, protect and provide not only materially for a woman, but emotionally and spiritually as well. You should be richer in mind, body and spirit for your union with the man of your dreams. The man in your life should make rich deposits into your heart and spirit, not withdrawals.
10. Does he have a healthy love and acceptance of himself? Make sure the man in your life has taken time to heal from past relationships and has made peace with himself. How he cares for himself is how he will care for you. A man's relationship with God is crucial here. His love for himself will only be as strong as his love for God. This is not something that you can impart. You cannot be his savior or teacher. That is out of spiritual order. In his rightful place as your personal priest, he should be leading you to a richer relationship with Christ. If he is causing you to compromise your faith and destabilize your walk, if he is leading you into sexual sin or causing you to be distracted from your commitment to God, the relationship is too expensive. Offending the Lover of your soul, who promises you eternal love, is too high a fare to pay for a ride that has a limited run. If you and your man can't soar in the Spirit, when the force of your love for another is tested by the pull or gravity of the world, your union will not be able to survive.
So you decide. How much is your life worth? How much is your love worth? You will be able to accept only what you believe you deserve. God himself calculated the worth of your love and decided it was worth His life. He now pledges you His love for eternity. Yes, Jesus sets the example for all others to follow when He paid a ransom for His bride. Should you expect less from a mortal man? Throughout the Biblical age, men were willing to pay the cost for what they truly desired. The truth of the matter is everyone knows that anything worth having, costs and no one gets a ride in this life for free.
Our prayer:
Dear Heavenly Father,
I confess that I have not always been as careful as I should've been with my heart. From time to time, my desire for love has caused me to leave my heart in the wrong hands. I now commit my heart into Your hands for safekeeping. Please help me to stop being so impulsive with what you deem so precious. As I learn to celebrate Your love for me, let me learn from Your example what a bridegroom should really be like. Help me to never settle for less than what you desire for me. As I embrace You as the Lover of my soul, keep my affections in the haven of Your own heart. As I rest in Your love, make me more discriminating of those who approach me.
I ask that You take over this area of my life. Keep me from those You know would hurt my heart. I invite You to set a hedge around me and keep me from all who would draw me into unfruitful relationships until the day you present me to the mate that You have selected for me. Grant me the discernment to recognize him as he recognizes me. Cleanse me from the temptation to typecast the men I meet according to what I see. Help me to trust in Your knowledge and lean not on my own understanding. I know that You know what is best for me; therefore I yield to Your choice.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen.
Ladies, this is something you should definitely share with a friend, whether you are single or married... It is something to think about when you ask is "he" the one!
Is He the One?...The Right One?
First we must allow our Heavenly Father to do the picking. And second, the decision for a mate must be made on a spiritual and intellectual basis before it's made on an emotional one.
"What about love? Shouldn't that be the third? you ask. No, and I'll tell you why. "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17:9).
The heart is willful and is driven by its own agenda. It does not consider things rationally and intelligently it just loves to love! Therefore you have to point it in the right direction: "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the well spring of life" (Proverbs 4:23)! Whenever you meet a man, you need to get clearance from God, check out his attributes, and then allow your heart to engage.
Dating exists not for mating; it exists for collecting data. I believe that the biblical design would be friendship, courtship and then marriage. Friendship is two people walking together in agreement and accountability, learning and growing together. Courtship follows the mutual agreement to commit to one another exclusively - it is the decisive turning toward the agreed-upon goal of the marriage altar. It is a period of laying a foundation and preparing your life together after marriage. But dating? Well, if you do date, use the time wisely to gather these facts.
1. Check out the fabric. Is the person mate material? Does this man have an intimate relationship with the Father through Jesus Christ? Does he care what God thinks about his behavior? Is he accountable to God as well as another co-laborer in the faith? Accountability is an important factor. It is imperative to maintaining a committed relationship. Is your potential spouse a member of the same family - the family of God?
You need to have common interests and values and agree on the essentials of living day to day. You have a similar spiritual walk. You eat the same spiritual diet. You enjoy a lot of similar things. You have like interests, like goals in life, like opinions on basic life issues. You have had like experiences in your background. Though there is some truth to the idiom that opposites attract, like-minded folks fare better together. Furthermore, does he want to get married? If you want to be married and your dreamboat isn't interested, don't waste your time.
Remember, women fall in love and get married. Men decide to get married and then look for a wife. Note the difference in order. So if a guy says he's not looking for anything serious, take his words seriously. If he's not going in your direction, get off the bus and wait for the right one.
2. Does this man want you? Is he pursuing you? The man who is right for you will pursue you, and God's hand in the relationship will be clear. No guessing, no fleeces, no dead ends. Scripture says: "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord" (Proverbs 18:22).
Note -who finds whom? THE MAN FINDS THE WIFE. From the beginning of time, God has transported men and women across the world in order to put them together.
At the RIGHT TIME, He will bring that man on the scene and he will find you. In God's perfect design, the man is the one who recognizes his mate. Adam had no problem recognizing that Eve was his missing rib. You do not need to strategically place yourself anywhere. You don't have to help a guy out because he's shy! Men will do whatever they have to do to get what they truly want. The man in your life should recognize you as the pearl of great price in his life and be willing to do whatever he must in order to gain your hand. If he is passive about gaining your affections, take it as a sign that he is not interested.
Many a woman's mother has suggested that it is a good idea to marry a man who loves you more than you love him. As cold as that sounds, it actually might be scriptural if you stop to think about it: "We love him because he first loved us" (1 John 4:19). Until then, take the ultimate chill pill . You don't need a bunch of men in your life to make you feel all right about yourself. You need only one man - your man, the one God has selected to select you. And trust me, the right man at the wrong time can be just as awful as the wrong man at any time. So trust God's timing in this. He is the ultimate matchmaker. Relax, sit pretty and allow yourself to be found. Again - WAIT until the man voices his intentions. He should take the lead in establishing the relationship. You may have an inkling that he is the one, but God will use the man to set the tone of the relationship. Allow him the opportunity to woo you - this is your first act of submission. Jesus set the standard for all men to follow. They should love us first. And they should lead the relationship.
3. The man in your life should not desire to move into your house, only into your heart . A man who prepares for your future has made his intentions clear. A man who is husband material has the means to take care of a wife. He is a responsible human being who understands he needs to have something to offer. In short, a man should have the means to be a suitable lover for you.
4. Check out his buddies. Everyone knows birds of the same feather flock together, yet most women fail to see the connection between a man and his friends. A man's pals tell you a lot about the person that you haven't seen yet. They reveal things about the guy's character that might be hidden when he is on good behavior. Everyone knows how to put his best foot forward. Don't stay focused on the foot, check out the rest of the body!
5. Check out his relationship with his mother. How does he treat her? This is your preview of how he will treat you. There are lots of men who, because of a negative relationship with their mothers, really don't like women, yet say they do. Unresolved issues between mother and son continue between husband and wife.
6. Remember that a man's family reveals the cloth from which he's cut. Take note and decide whether you want your future with the man in your life to look like his present family situation.
7. Check out the patterns of his life. Do you see repeated cycles of drama in his personal kingdom? Broken relationships? Problems in making commitments --including the job market? Mood swings? Is a problem always someone else's fault? Does he embrace responsibility or shirk it? Does he keep his promises? Is he a man of good reputation? Remember all garments look wonderful hanging in the store, but with wear, some begin to unravel. Give yourself time and space to check out the man in your life. Time will always reveal whether or not he is made of the right stuff.
8. Does this man have a vision for his life? Is he running with that vision? Remember, God decided Adam needed help once Adam got busy DOING his assignment. As we saw Adam, a man doesn't need help until he is busy doing what he was created and called to do. Is the man in your life guided by sense of destiny and purpose, or does he just allow life to happen around him? A man who is not certain of his mission can be a most miserable person - and you'll be miserable too if you don't know where YOU want to go in life. A man who has vision is not intimidated by a woman whose mission statement is clear. He will be your best ally, cheerleader and assistant because he wants you both to make it! A man who cannot be supportive of your achievements because he is floundering in a sea of uncertainty over his own life is not a healthy partner to have and to hold forever.
Creating dependencies or feelings of obligation is not the way to get the best out of your man. Somewhere along the way, he will resent you and flee from the smothering burden of obligation he associates you with. You want a man who is firmly anchored in his identity in Christ. Remember, we are looking for a man who will be priest and leader of his home. His first instinct should be to want to cover you, redeem you, and provide for you. Your job is to decide if this is the man God has ordained for you to complement.
9. Complimentary. Do your talents and gifts complement his? Do his gifts, compliment yours? What about your temperaments? Do you see the two of you as an effective team capable of bringing blessing to the lives of those around you? Do your futures mesh? Can you coordinate your gifts in an attractive and effective way?
This is why knowing your purpose is so important. Make sure your hearts beat for mutual causes. When I go shopping I always consider the fabric, the fit and what I already have in my closet. Will my next purchase be a complimentary addition to what I already have? If I find that I am going to have to buy shoes and matching accessories to go with a new outfit, I leave it right on the rack. It is too expensive a proposition. If the man you meet makes you feel that you need to completely reinvent yourself, something is wrong.
This is where I ask you to consider the relationship in terms of cost. Is this relationship expensive spiritually, emotional or physically? Does your longing for a mate make you willing to forfeit who you are in the process? Or does he see you as the gift that you are? The man in your life should consider you a rare find, a priceless jewel-because of you he is getting ready to get blessed big-time! Any relationship that causes you to feel unworthy, unlovely, unacceptable, undesirable or that you have to work for love, is too expensive!
God has called the man to cover, protect and provide not only materially for a woman, but emotionally and spiritually as well. You should be richer in mind, body and spirit for your union with the man of your dreams. The man in your life should make rich deposits into your heart and spirit, not withdrawals.
10. Does he have a healthy love and acceptance of himself? Make sure the man in your life has taken time to heal from past relationships and has made peace with himself. How he cares for himself is how he will care for you. A man's relationship with God is crucial here. His love for himself will only be as strong as his love for God. This is not something that you can impart. You cannot be his savior or teacher. That is out of spiritual order. In his rightful place as your personal priest, he should be leading you to a richer relationship with Christ. If he is causing you to compromise your faith and destabilize your walk, if he is leading you into sexual sin or causing you to be distracted from your commitment to God, the relationship is too expensive. Offending the Lover of your soul, who promises you eternal love, is too high a fare to pay for a ride that has a limited run. If you and your man can't soar in the Spirit, when the force of your love for another is tested by the pull or gravity of the world, your union will not be able to survive.
So you decide. How much is your life worth? How much is your love worth? You will be able to accept only what you believe you deserve. God himself calculated the worth of your love and decided it was worth His life. He now pledges you His love for eternity. Yes, Jesus sets the example for all others to follow when He paid a ransom for His bride. Should you expect less from a mortal man? Throughout the Biblical age, men were willing to pay the cost for what they truly desired. The truth of the matter is everyone knows that anything worth having, costs and no one gets a ride in this life for free.
Our prayer:
Dear Heavenly Father,
I confess that I have not always been as careful as I should've been with my heart. From time to time, my desire for love has caused me to leave my heart in the wrong hands. I now commit my heart into Your hands for safekeeping. Please help me to stop being so impulsive with what you deem so precious. As I learn to celebrate Your love for me, let me learn from Your example what a bridegroom should really be like. Help me to never settle for less than what you desire for me. As I embrace You as the Lover of my soul, keep my affections in the haven of Your own heart. As I rest in Your love, make me more discriminating of those who approach me.
I ask that You take over this area of my life. Keep me from those You know would hurt my heart. I invite You to set a hedge around me and keep me from all who would draw me into unfruitful relationships until the day you present me to the mate that You have selected for me. Grant me the discernment to recognize him as he recognizes me. Cleanse me from the temptation to typecast the men I meet according to what I see. Help me to trust in Your knowledge and lean not on my own understanding. I know that You know what is best for me; therefore I yield to Your choice.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen.
Ladies, this is something you should definitely share with a friend, whether you are single or married... It is something to think about when you ask is "he" the one!
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