Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Who Gon' Check Me Boo?
In a game of pick up, to check the ball means that the ball is in play. The concept of a check is on a new possession. The ball is handed to the opponent to make sure that they are ready and set to go. At that point, the player passes or checks the ball back to the opponent and the game is back in motion.
Six hours after being bitten by a 24-hour bug, I peeled myself out of bed and attempted to look somewhat presentable by slapping on some make up, slicking back my hair into a bun, hopping (literally) into some skinny jeans, boots, blazer and a scarf and trekking my way through the cold rain to an underground bar in the city known best for its live jazz shows. I was going to support a friend who had made his way to my town while on tour. I would’ve stayed in bed, but it dawned on me there was a chance I could bump into a crush I’d met almost two years prior, yet had only seen once since. It was worth the chance. He was that gorgeous.
I first met him at this musician-friend’s wedding. He was a groomsman (read: he has at least one friend in a committed relationship…score!). A bunch of us stayed up that night catching up over music and a few drinks in the host hotel. There was no question he was the finest guy there as a few other women were vying for his attention. As driven as I am about going after and getting what I want, I’ve always been the complete opposite with guys. It’s an ego thing. Why in the world would I contribute to the senseless small talk, calculated giggles and batted eyes? Not my style. I decided to pass. Through mutual friends, I learned he lived in my area and so I put a bug in their ear that I was interested and hoped to run into him in the future.
In a quirk of fate, I bumped into him again six months later while on a date. For a brief second I’d forgotten I was with someone else. Yes, he was still that gorgeous. He passed on his business card and I did the professional thing by following up via email the following week. “Dear (crush), it was great running into you. Maybe next time we can do it over drinks. ‘Til then, be well.” He didn’t respond immediately, and to this day I can’t recall what he wrote, but we never met for drinks. So, eventually, out of sight, out of mind he went.
Fast forward to present day, it's been almost a year since our last encounter. I was pleasantly surprised and relieved to see my crush was in fact at the jazz show looking gorgeous...still. At the end of the night, as I was saying my goodbyes to friends in the crowd, we made eye contact. We spoke briefly in the dimly-lit venue, but again, I failed to make a move. Too many people were around, it was late and I was sick (read: I chickened out). So, I followed up with a message similar to the one I’d previously sent. As of yet, no response.
What is wrong with this dude? Didn’t I give him enough of a hint that I was interested? Or is it simply that he’s not? Impossible! Is it me? Word to Charlie Sheen, I’ve been dating so many losers that I forgot what it’s like to be winning in this dating game. Twice, I’ve made a pass by placing the ball in his court, trying to get him involved in this game of pick up (pun intended). Twice, he has failed to put this game in motion. I’m more than capable once the ball is in my possession, but who gon’ check me, boo?
To be continued… I hope.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Social Cues
I felt my mind – and my eyes for that matter – begin to wander. This man just kept talking…and with his hands no less. It was as if I were across the table from a used car salesman. His fast-talking was a dead giveaway that he was trying to hide something; too insecure to simply shut up for a minute. Poor guy.An hour and a half went by and I learned about his parents, their parents and of course, his ex – which for a while I thought was imaginary. I did my very best to stay involved in the conversation. I interjected when possible with a smile, a nod here and there and every 20 minutes or so a subtle mention of how tired I was followed by checking the time. I even did the honor of motioning the waiter for the check. My “date” was oblivious to it all. I struggle to even label this encounter a date because I knew I wasn’t interested before we went out. Contrarily, my girlfriend was so sure we’d hit it off that I eventually gave in. I now know she simply wanted a double dating pair as she was seeing a friend of his.
Small gestures buried beneath the “cool guy façade” let me know he was a gentleman, yet throughout the nervous laughter and jibber jabber, I quickly came to the conclusion that my first instinct was indeed correct. I was not interested and there was no connection. Zilch. I’d share more of my experience, but I doubt you’d keep reading and I wouldn’t blame you.
Before I could call my girlfriend to lay her out for setting me up, she called me to report back his version of the date. Apparently, he had a great time and was looking forward to the next outing. He “felt something.” I blame the appetizers. He surely couldn’t have gotten that vibe from me. I don’t mean to be an asshole (not this time anyway), but why didn’t he pick up on what I was putting down?
Studies have shown that people who find it hard to make friends and establish long-term relationships also have trouble interpreting social cues. Go figure.
I’ve heard people say that women can decide within 30 seconds whether or not they want to sleep with a man. I wouldn’t go that far – unless we’re talking about Bradley Cooper or someone of equal or greater aesthetic appeal (insert one of your “Top 5” celebrities here). However, I will agree that 30 seconds into a conversation, we can generally decide whether or not we want to continue conversing. That’s why first dates should always be limited to less than an hour with the opportunity to extend beyond that timeframe. If you plan to meet over a drink and not dinner and the date is going south, you can excuse yourself after one drink and not have to wallow through idle conversation as you order a meal, wait for it to arrive, eat it and wait again for the check.
If you’re out with someone and you are clueless when it comes to being clued in on if they’re feeling you, keep the following social cues in mind:
1. When in public, is their body facing away from yours?
2. Do they look around the room to see who else is watching the two of you?
3. Are they avoiding eye contact?
4. Are they frequently checking their watch or cell phone for the time?
5. Do they yawn intermittently?
If the answer to all these questions is “yes,” then I hate to break it to you, but their social cues indicate that a next date may not be in the cards. Don’t be offended, simply move on. The person that’s right for you will be engaged in dialogue. When you’re together, time will fly by and you’ll both be anxiously waiting to meet again. Til that time comes, live.love.learn…and repeat!
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
X.Oh, Ex.O*
"I don’t go to pieces when a relationship doesn’t work out. I just focus harder on making my more important friendships last longer. I disagree strongly with ending friendships and with keeping people out. Everyone has their own special qualities regardless of what they may believe is right. So, no, I don’t throw people away. I may sometimes put them in a little box too high to reach until I gain the energy and patience to deal with them again."
I recently stumbled upon this quote taken from a fellow twenty-something woman’s adaptation of The Rules, by dating coaches Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. In many instances, I’ve had the same ideals. Whether or not it’s best is the question at hand. You see, I have never had such huge falling outs with any true friends to where the aftermath didn’t allow for us to be, at least, genuinely cordial to one another. I’ve tried very hard not to hold grudges and to allow people to redeem themselves through their actions, in hopes they would give me the same consideration. But more specifically, there are times when the romantic connections, between men and women, well...disconnect and it makes me wonder, after a breakup, can exes be friends?
The first thing to note is that if you and your ex were never really friends to begin with, then you can forget about trying to forge a friendship now. Listen to me; there's a big chance it ain’t gonna happen, especially if the break wasn’t a joint agreement. A relationship correspondent for AskMen.com believes that, “…relationships rarely see mutual breakups. But the person who does the breaking up feels like less of a bad guy by offering that sense of truce: "It's not you, it's me. We'll still be friends, right?" This peace offering of friendship provides the dumper with the solace of knowing they aren't such a horrible person because they still want to be friends with their ex.” And, if you read, It’s Called a Breakup Because it’s Broken, you remember that the authors also interpret this tactic to be simply a rhetorical expression for the personal benefit of the dumper and not a literal means to spare the dumped.
Let’s walk through one of my analogies for a moment. We’re in a recession. As a result, people are losing their jobs and therefore can’t pay their bills, their mortgage. The prices of homes are going down, but people in the market to buy may still struggle with affording the down payment. It seems to be a lose/lose situation, resulting in a lot of empty homes. Conversely, women have been experiencing a male recession for quite some time.
The Housing Market
Doing my best to paraphrase, a good friend* recently said that there are many homes on the market, but no matter what the purchasing incentives are, if a man cannot or is not willing to make the down payment to solidify that he is serious about owning the home, he simply cannot be pressured into buying. To that I reminded him about the first time homebuyers’ programs, which most times waive the down payment and closing costs. But I caught myself. Those people typically have “good credit.” There are always exceptions, but trying to rent-to-own a “friendship” with an ex with the hope that he’ll one day buy into your idea of a relationship is not the way to go. If however, you’ve established “good credit” along the way, there may be an opportunity to, at least, remain friends.
With one of my exes, it was obvious that after only a few months as a couple, we weren’t as compatible as we were attracted to one another. There were no hard feelings and we, sporadically, keep in touch. And although our current terms are harmless, when asked by his wife, he denied that we were ever anything more than friends, because of her being opposed to any communication whatsoever. So on that note, comes my first of two examples:
O.P.P. (Other Potential Property)
Yes, I absolutely believe it is possible for men and women to be friends if the guidelines are set in the beginning. If both exes are clear that there is no chance to rekindle what was, then the two can possibly pull off a friendship, but the likelihood is well, unlikely. Additionally, if either person formerly involved in the relationship, currently has a significant other, seldom is any type of relationship with an ex appropriate because of the chance that someone will be insecure with the state of affairs (for lack of a better phrase).
The situation between me and another ex is a little different. To my knowledge, neither of us is actively engaged in a relationship. However, that doesn’t automatically signify friendship being in the cards. I think we can both agree to having had a very unique relationship, so for it to conclude when it did, the way it did came unexpectedly. This leads to my next example:
Buying For(e)closure
If one or both parties are still looking for closure from the way the relationship ended, the prospect of moving on as just friends can be unrealistic as well. Keep in mind: foreclosed homes come “as is.” They were lived in and when you purchase it, you’ll have to clean up the mess from the prior owner. If the previous owner couldn’t keep up with the mortgage, they most likely couldn’t keep up with repairs. You could potentially be looking at a total rehabilitation project that most aren’t willing to undertake. If the foundation isn’t strong, making renovations is pointless.
It truly depends on the state of the relationship while it was in play and how it ended. The best way to determine if you can maintain a friendship with an ex is to measure the dynamic, both romantic and platonic, the storms it weathered and if, after the storm, the foundation stayed intact. Whatever you do, don’t force it. Remember: reason, season, lifetime. And next time a potential relationship presents itself, make it a point to build a friendship first.
Good luck! Live.Love.Learn...and then repeat!
Not working out?
Song For Thought: We Can’t Be Friends, Deborah Cox & R.L.
Want to start your next relationship on a friendly turf?
Song for thought: "Step Further," Sol Edler (3rd song on playlist)
I recently stumbled upon this quote taken from a fellow twenty-something woman’s adaptation of The Rules, by dating coaches Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. In many instances, I’ve had the same ideals. Whether or not it’s best is the question at hand. You see, I have never had such huge falling outs with any true friends to where the aftermath didn’t allow for us to be, at least, genuinely cordial to one another. I’ve tried very hard not to hold grudges and to allow people to redeem themselves through their actions, in hopes they would give me the same consideration. But more specifically, there are times when the romantic connections, between men and women, well...disconnect and it makes me wonder, after a breakup, can exes be friends?
The first thing to note is that if you and your ex were never really friends to begin with, then you can forget about trying to forge a friendship now. Listen to me; there's a big chance it ain’t gonna happen, especially if the break wasn’t a joint agreement. A relationship correspondent for AskMen.com believes that, “…relationships rarely see mutual breakups. But the person who does the breaking up feels like less of a bad guy by offering that sense of truce: "It's not you, it's me. We'll still be friends, right?" This peace offering of friendship provides the dumper with the solace of knowing they aren't such a horrible person because they still want to be friends with their ex.” And, if you read, It’s Called a Breakup Because it’s Broken, you remember that the authors also interpret this tactic to be simply a rhetorical expression for the personal benefit of the dumper and not a literal means to spare the dumped.
Let’s walk through one of my analogies for a moment. We’re in a recession. As a result, people are losing their jobs and therefore can’t pay their bills, their mortgage. The prices of homes are going down, but people in the market to buy may still struggle with affording the down payment. It seems to be a lose/lose situation, resulting in a lot of empty homes. Conversely, women have been experiencing a male recession for quite some time.
The Housing Market
Doing my best to paraphrase, a good friend* recently said that there are many homes on the market, but no matter what the purchasing incentives are, if a man cannot or is not willing to make the down payment to solidify that he is serious about owning the home, he simply cannot be pressured into buying. To that I reminded him about the first time homebuyers’ programs, which most times waive the down payment and closing costs. But I caught myself. Those people typically have “good credit.” There are always exceptions, but trying to rent-to-own a “friendship” with an ex with the hope that he’ll one day buy into your idea of a relationship is not the way to go. If however, you’ve established “good credit” along the way, there may be an opportunity to, at least, remain friends.
With one of my exes, it was obvious that after only a few months as a couple, we weren’t as compatible as we were attracted to one another. There were no hard feelings and we, sporadically, keep in touch. And although our current terms are harmless, when asked by his wife, he denied that we were ever anything more than friends, because of her being opposed to any communication whatsoever. So on that note, comes my first of two examples:
O.P.P. (Other Potential Property)
Yes, I absolutely believe it is possible for men and women to be friends if the guidelines are set in the beginning. If both exes are clear that there is no chance to rekindle what was, then the two can possibly pull off a friendship, but the likelihood is well, unlikely. Additionally, if either person formerly involved in the relationship, currently has a significant other, seldom is any type of relationship with an ex appropriate because of the chance that someone will be insecure with the state of affairs (for lack of a better phrase).
The situation between me and another ex is a little different. To my knowledge, neither of us is actively engaged in a relationship. However, that doesn’t automatically signify friendship being in the cards. I think we can both agree to having had a very unique relationship, so for it to conclude when it did, the way it did came unexpectedly. This leads to my next example:
Buying For(e)closure
If one or both parties are still looking for closure from the way the relationship ended, the prospect of moving on as just friends can be unrealistic as well. Keep in mind: foreclosed homes come “as is.” They were lived in and when you purchase it, you’ll have to clean up the mess from the prior owner. If the previous owner couldn’t keep up with the mortgage, they most likely couldn’t keep up with repairs. You could potentially be looking at a total rehabilitation project that most aren’t willing to undertake. If the foundation isn’t strong, making renovations is pointless.
It truly depends on the state of the relationship while it was in play and how it ended. The best way to determine if you can maintain a friendship with an ex is to measure the dynamic, both romantic and platonic, the storms it weathered and if, after the storm, the foundation stayed intact. Whatever you do, don’t force it. Remember: reason, season, lifetime. And next time a potential relationship presents itself, make it a point to build a friendship first.
Good luck! Live.Love.Learn...and then repeat!
Not working out?
Song For Thought: We Can’t Be Friends, Deborah Cox & R.L.
Want to start your next relationship on a friendly turf?
Song for thought: "Step Further," Sol Edler (3rd song on playlist)
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
March Madness
As much as I enjoy basketball, I usually don’t get the chance to follow it like I want because seldom do I have an opportunity to sit still for more than an hour at a time. So, when the NCAA Championships come around and it’s time to fill out my bracket, I analyze all the seeds by rank, historic wins and losses and the strengths and weaknesses of the starting lineup. And sometimes, when I get midway through, I get lazy and just start to guess. Occasionally, I give the win to the underdog, while other times it just makes sense to hand them the upset considering the odds. I can only imagine what it’s like to be in charge of drafting the players. If you think analyzing 65 teams is rough, can you envision what it must take to analyze hundreds of players around the country? Majorly overwhelming. How do you know you’re not picking the wrong players, overlooking the right ones? I would assume it kind of takes the fun out of scouting at times.
I was reading through my friends’ Facebook statuses this morning when I came across this one: “This dating game is not a game anymore.” It was actually written by a guy! It made me laugh in agreement and then I got to thinking about how the dating dynamics have shifted.
I’m single (as if you didn’t already know). In every situation in which I was involved on some version/level of seriousness with a guy that resulted in termination, it was my choice. Now, in one or two instances, their intentional actions may have forced me to make that decision because (as emphasized in the last blog post) at times, were too apprehensive to just tell the person. But ultimately, it was my decision. I’m not saying I’m the bomb, although I am (smile), it’s just that for one reason or another it wasn’t working out and I either didn’t see the point in fighting for it, or there was no fight left in me, so I called it quits. Whatever the cause, I'd always get the universal response from others when I broke the news, “Oh well, it’s his loss.” Well, that phrase is beginning to frustrate me. In this dating game, at what point does “he” get tired of losing?
I am more than aware that, in line with my previous basketball analogies to dating, women are the coaches of their team and are in control of who they recruit and for which position. However, what I have a hard time accepting is that a guy can recruit me for his lineup as well and sometimes he’ll choose me to play a position that doesn’t highlight my strengths, adding little value to his team. In turn, I don’t play to my full potential and depending upon what position I’ve given him, I can go one of two routes: shine on every other player on his team to get the coach’s attention or request to be traded.
I’m stubborn (not always…but, I think it can come out in us all), so sometimes I feel like I don’t need to prove myself to any guy and therefore, have no problem leaving him with the loss. As far as I’m concerned, no one else on his team can perform like I can, so if he doesn’t want to start me, I’ll watch him lose…as a spectator. My mom claims I have absolutely no staying power because lately, my first reaction has been to walk. But as I see it, I’ve played enough games and I’m saving us both time.
Generally, as a result, the unfortunate occurs. He realizes he’s losing without me and wants me back on his team. Only this time, he wants me to play the position I was cut out for all along. And more often than not, by this time, I’ve found no need to be such an asset. While it’s always nice to be wanted, that doesn’t negate the fact that it’s completely irritating to be an afterthought!
So, I offer you a word of advice from one of my trusted advisors:
Be certain that the guy you’ve recruited to play on your team has a similar understanding as to your role on his. If you sit on this guy's bench, while he is a star player in your game, disaster is right around the corner.
In layman’s terms, “Don’t make someone a priority that only makes you an option.” Now, how you articulate those respective roles without scaring/scarring the other person is the tricky part. By nature, I always resort to sarcasm. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. You don’t have to tell them you’re looking for a husband, but a simple, "I'm not looking for a booty call" type of comment should send him the message to either remove you from his list of potentially easy “scores” or respectfully trade you so that his attempt doesn’t result in a technical foul.
Live.Love.Learn…and then repeat!
I was reading through my friends’ Facebook statuses this morning when I came across this one: “This dating game is not a game anymore.” It was actually written by a guy! It made me laugh in agreement and then I got to thinking about how the dating dynamics have shifted.
I’m single (as if you didn’t already know). In every situation in which I was involved on some version/level of seriousness with a guy that resulted in termination, it was my choice. Now, in one or two instances, their intentional actions may have forced me to make that decision because (as emphasized in the last blog post) at times, were too apprehensive to just tell the person. But ultimately, it was my decision. I’m not saying I’m the bomb, although I am (smile), it’s just that for one reason or another it wasn’t working out and I either didn’t see the point in fighting for it, or there was no fight left in me, so I called it quits. Whatever the cause, I'd always get the universal response from others when I broke the news, “Oh well, it’s his loss.” Well, that phrase is beginning to frustrate me. In this dating game, at what point does “he” get tired of losing?
I am more than aware that, in line with my previous basketball analogies to dating, women are the coaches of their team and are in control of who they recruit and for which position. However, what I have a hard time accepting is that a guy can recruit me for his lineup as well and sometimes he’ll choose me to play a position that doesn’t highlight my strengths, adding little value to his team. In turn, I don’t play to my full potential and depending upon what position I’ve given him, I can go one of two routes: shine on every other player on his team to get the coach’s attention or request to be traded.
I’m stubborn (not always…but, I think it can come out in us all), so sometimes I feel like I don’t need to prove myself to any guy and therefore, have no problem leaving him with the loss. As far as I’m concerned, no one else on his team can perform like I can, so if he doesn’t want to start me, I’ll watch him lose…as a spectator. My mom claims I have absolutely no staying power because lately, my first reaction has been to walk. But as I see it, I’ve played enough games and I’m saving us both time.
Generally, as a result, the unfortunate occurs. He realizes he’s losing without me and wants me back on his team. Only this time, he wants me to play the position I was cut out for all along. And more often than not, by this time, I’ve found no need to be such an asset. While it’s always nice to be wanted, that doesn’t negate the fact that it’s completely irritating to be an afterthought!
So, I offer you a word of advice from one of my trusted advisors:
Be certain that the guy you’ve recruited to play on your team has a similar understanding as to your role on his. If you sit on this guy's bench, while he is a star player in your game, disaster is right around the corner.
In layman’s terms, “Don’t make someone a priority that only makes you an option.” Now, how you articulate those respective roles without scaring/scarring the other person is the tricky part. By nature, I always resort to sarcasm. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. You don’t have to tell them you’re looking for a husband, but a simple, "I'm not looking for a booty call" type of comment should send him the message to either remove you from his list of potentially easy “scores” or respectfully trade you so that his attempt doesn’t result in a technical foul.
Live.Love.Learn…and then repeat!
Sunday, August 17, 2008
The Four-Letter Word
Many times throughout life, we are faced with the past, present and future effects of a particular four-letter word. Whether or not we are aware of or admit to its presence, no one is immune to its impact on our lives and our relationships, or the lack thereof. It is the difference between being content versus truly happy; being stagnant versus progressing onward; between trying and succeeding. It represents the unknown, and at the same time, the all-too familiar. It is fear, the most popular four-letter emotion.
Fear is an emotional response to threats and danger that is related to the specific behaviors of escape and avoidance. Fear is often connected to pain. It is a survival mechanism, and usually occurs in response to a specific negative stimulus (Wikipedia).
As it relates to dating and relationships, people are afraid of many things for many reasons. Whatever the individual case may be, what I’ve found to be the most common reasons people fear anything or anyone is because of its ability to reveal truth and happiness.
We all know the notorious scene from the movie, A Few Good Men, when the characters played by Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson are in a heated court-room argument. Tom demands to be told the truth when Jack replies, “You can’t handle the truth!” Many of us fear searching for the truth because what we may or may not find could be out of our control. However, the truth can only be discovered when we are open-minded and realistic about the outcome.
Happiness, on the other hand, is not something you search for; it isn’t something that can be given to you. Instead, happiness should be defined by your ability to maintain a positive outlook in every situation.
I’ve known a lot of people to remain within a deteriorating relationship because they feared the ultimate heartache of being alone and/or having to “start from scratch” in finding and trusting in someone new. Conversely, I’ve come in contact with those who remain single because of their fear to commit. It is when the ideals of both internal struggles coincide that causes an external conflict between two people.
Since the beginning of their five-year relationship, Joy* searched for clues to prove that her man was cheating. She couldn’t fathom the thought of one man being satisfied with one person. Her actions were an attempt to avoid the disappointment that resulted from a failed relationship between her parents. Yet when her boyfriend finally confessed to cheating, she stayed with him. Her reasons for staying weren’t in hopes that she could work with him through his bouts of infidelity, but for fear of having to share with and learn someone new coupled with the feeling of being unwanted by anyone else.
To overcome fear, one must inherit an attribute of courage. We have a tendency to talk ourselves out of bravery because we fear that of which we’ve yet to experience. Many of us would rather walk blindly in our comfort zone of misery, because it is to what we’re accustomed, than to be exposed to something different and unfamiliar.
Think about how fear has interfered in your relationship(s) and/or how it has hindered the development of one. As mentioned before, no one is immune from possessing a spirit of fear. However, before we can even imagine experiencing the emotion of love with another person, we must learn not to surrender to fear and instead lean on the other “f” word…faith.
“A man without fear is a fool. But, a man that succumbs to his fear is a coward.” –Unknown
Live.Love.Learn...and then repeat!
*Name has been changed to protect the individual's identity.
Fear is an emotional response to threats and danger that is related to the specific behaviors of escape and avoidance. Fear is often connected to pain. It is a survival mechanism, and usually occurs in response to a specific negative stimulus (Wikipedia).
As it relates to dating and relationships, people are afraid of many things for many reasons. Whatever the individual case may be, what I’ve found to be the most common reasons people fear anything or anyone is because of its ability to reveal truth and happiness.
We all know the notorious scene from the movie, A Few Good Men, when the characters played by Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson are in a heated court-room argument. Tom demands to be told the truth when Jack replies, “You can’t handle the truth!” Many of us fear searching for the truth because what we may or may not find could be out of our control. However, the truth can only be discovered when we are open-minded and realistic about the outcome.
Happiness, on the other hand, is not something you search for; it isn’t something that can be given to you. Instead, happiness should be defined by your ability to maintain a positive outlook in every situation.
I’ve known a lot of people to remain within a deteriorating relationship because they feared the ultimate heartache of being alone and/or having to “start from scratch” in finding and trusting in someone new. Conversely, I’ve come in contact with those who remain single because of their fear to commit. It is when the ideals of both internal struggles coincide that causes an external conflict between two people.
Since the beginning of their five-year relationship, Joy* searched for clues to prove that her man was cheating. She couldn’t fathom the thought of one man being satisfied with one person. Her actions were an attempt to avoid the disappointment that resulted from a failed relationship between her parents. Yet when her boyfriend finally confessed to cheating, she stayed with him. Her reasons for staying weren’t in hopes that she could work with him through his bouts of infidelity, but for fear of having to share with and learn someone new coupled with the feeling of being unwanted by anyone else.
To overcome fear, one must inherit an attribute of courage. We have a tendency to talk ourselves out of bravery because we fear that of which we’ve yet to experience. Many of us would rather walk blindly in our comfort zone of misery, because it is to what we’re accustomed, than to be exposed to something different and unfamiliar.
Think about how fear has interfered in your relationship(s) and/or how it has hindered the development of one. As mentioned before, no one is immune from possessing a spirit of fear. However, before we can even imagine experiencing the emotion of love with another person, we must learn not to surrender to fear and instead lean on the other “f” word…faith.
“A man without fear is a fool. But, a man that succumbs to his fear is a coward.” –Unknown
Live.Love.Learn...and then repeat!
*Name has been changed to protect the individual's identity.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Perpetuating the Cycle
The purpose of this column is to voice the experiences/dilemmas/opinions of the 20-something "single" (meaning unmarried) female as she relates to dating and relationships. Let's be real, in this day and age, 30 and 40-something single females aren't the only ones facing the pressures associated with relationships, or more specifically, the lack thereof.
In the 20-something scheme of things, I’m in the “early twenties” range so yes, I’m still a “baby.” But I bet this “baby” has experienced the same things that older women have. Why? Because the cycle perpetuates itself. Between myself and a host of girlfriends, which I will refer to as my “team,” co-workers, family members and even random people I’ve met along the way, we’ve seen it all…been there, done that…I hope. It’s true; the same experiences my grandmother, aunts and older cousins faced at my age have been passed down. They even warn us about things before they happen. Of course, if we listened, we wouldn’t be in half the mess we’ve been involved in. We’re stubborn. We like to hope that this guy will be different or that we’ll be prepared. Newsflash: He isn’t and we’re not! Let’s face it. Guys aren’t clever enough to switch up the game or invent new rules. Remember ladies: Same game, different players. Same shit, different toilet. Our options: Learn to play the game and flush intermittently as to not totally funk up the situation!
My mother, who is 28 years my senior, never imagined she’d get married and she was perfectly content with the fact that she would be a successful, yet single woman. Unfortunately, in today’s society, her ideals represent the minority. The term single carries several negative connotations so I’ll just cite a few definitions: unmarried, lacking a partner, of or relating to celibacy, unaccompanied or unsupported by others, existing alone.
Well no wonder women nowadays aren’t comfortable with the possibility that they could be single…forever. Don’t worry, I fall victim too.
Let’s first examine the history of the woman. Quick Sunday school lesson: the Bible teaches us that in the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. He then, a couple days later, made man, to work in the land that he created. But God saw that he needed a suitable helper. So from his rib, he created woman. Well ladies, there’s our answer right there. Just as plain and simple as it can be, we were made from a man. Genetically, our existence was based, firstly on that of a man. Not only were we created from a man, we were placed here for a man. Without getting into too much detail read Genesis 2: 15, 18, 22, 24. Somehow, “suitable helper” has evolved over time to mean mother, lover, financer, etc. and we’ve allowed it to happen. Let it marinate, now let’s move on.
Back to my mother: She’s a fly little thang, but don’t tell her I said so. She’s never let anyone or anything get in the way of the plans she’d made for her life. From what I gather, she was going to handle her business and if a man fit into the equation, then so be it. She was definitely a catch and men were chasing. But by her mid-twenties, with most of her friends marrying around her, she was secure enough and had enough faith, that if marriage was meant for her, the right man would come along that would be able to accept her and present himself as a valuable compliment to her life. If only I could be so secure at times. Mom says, when you meet the one, you’ll know he’s the one. Easier said than done…or is it? Mom, at age 26, was set up on a blind date, four months later was engaged, one year after that, at age 28, was married and almost 24 years later is still married (shouts out to my Dad)! So, there must’ve been a method to her madness.
Question: How many times do women meet someone and right away know that he’s not the one, but try to stick it out in hopes that he’ll turn out to be the one? Answer: Too many times!
When we find ourselves in those situations, instead of stepping on a ‘limb’ of faith, we should just, “trim the limb, kill the tree.” The only way to stop a cycle from recurring is to tackle the issue when and where it starts. Twenty-something singles will turn into 40-something singles before you know it. If we figure out how to stop the cycle now, we’ll be better equipped for a love life in the future. My goal is to be like Mom was and still is: focused on the present and having faith that the future will fall right into place.
Live.Love.Learn...(and then repeat)!
-TS&S
In the 20-something scheme of things, I’m in the “early twenties” range so yes, I’m still a “baby.” But I bet this “baby” has experienced the same things that older women have. Why? Because the cycle perpetuates itself. Between myself and a host of girlfriends, which I will refer to as my “team,” co-workers, family members and even random people I’ve met along the way, we’ve seen it all…been there, done that…I hope. It’s true; the same experiences my grandmother, aunts and older cousins faced at my age have been passed down. They even warn us about things before they happen. Of course, if we listened, we wouldn’t be in half the mess we’ve been involved in. We’re stubborn. We like to hope that this guy will be different or that we’ll be prepared. Newsflash: He isn’t and we’re not! Let’s face it. Guys aren’t clever enough to switch up the game or invent new rules. Remember ladies: Same game, different players. Same shit, different toilet. Our options: Learn to play the game and flush intermittently as to not totally funk up the situation!
My mother, who is 28 years my senior, never imagined she’d get married and she was perfectly content with the fact that she would be a successful, yet single woman. Unfortunately, in today’s society, her ideals represent the minority. The term single carries several negative connotations so I’ll just cite a few definitions: unmarried, lacking a partner, of or relating to celibacy, unaccompanied or unsupported by others, existing alone.
Well no wonder women nowadays aren’t comfortable with the possibility that they could be single…forever. Don’t worry, I fall victim too.
Let’s first examine the history of the woman. Quick Sunday school lesson: the Bible teaches us that in the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. He then, a couple days later, made man, to work in the land that he created. But God saw that he needed a suitable helper. So from his rib, he created woman. Well ladies, there’s our answer right there. Just as plain and simple as it can be, we were made from a man. Genetically, our existence was based, firstly on that of a man. Not only were we created from a man, we were placed here for a man. Without getting into too much detail read Genesis 2: 15, 18, 22, 24. Somehow, “suitable helper” has evolved over time to mean mother, lover, financer, etc. and we’ve allowed it to happen. Let it marinate, now let’s move on.
Back to my mother: She’s a fly little thang, but don’t tell her I said so. She’s never let anyone or anything get in the way of the plans she’d made for her life. From what I gather, she was going to handle her business and if a man fit into the equation, then so be it. She was definitely a catch and men were chasing. But by her mid-twenties, with most of her friends marrying around her, she was secure enough and had enough faith, that if marriage was meant for her, the right man would come along that would be able to accept her and present himself as a valuable compliment to her life. If only I could be so secure at times. Mom says, when you meet the one, you’ll know he’s the one. Easier said than done…or is it? Mom, at age 26, was set up on a blind date, four months later was engaged, one year after that, at age 28, was married and almost 24 years later is still married (shouts out to my Dad)! So, there must’ve been a method to her madness.
Question: How many times do women meet someone and right away know that he’s not the one, but try to stick it out in hopes that he’ll turn out to be the one? Answer: Too many times!
When we find ourselves in those situations, instead of stepping on a ‘limb’ of faith, we should just, “trim the limb, kill the tree.” The only way to stop a cycle from recurring is to tackle the issue when and where it starts. Twenty-something singles will turn into 40-something singles before you know it. If we figure out how to stop the cycle now, we’ll be better equipped for a love life in the future. My goal is to be like Mom was and still is: focused on the present and having faith that the future will fall right into place.
Live.Love.Learn...(and then repeat)!
-TS&S
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