X.Oh, Ex.O*

"I don’t go to pieces when a relationship doesn’t work out. I just focus harder on making my more important friendships last longer. I disagree strongly with ending friendships and with keeping people out. Everyone has their own special qualities regardless of what they may believe is right. So, no, I don’t throw people away. I may sometimes put them in a little box too high to reach until I gain the energy and patience to deal with them again."

I recently stumbled upon this quote taken from a fellow twenty-something woman’s adaptation of The Rules, by dating coaches Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. In many instances, I’ve had the same ideals. Whether or not it’s best is the question at hand. You see, I have never had such huge falling outs with any true friends to where the aftermath didn’t allow for us to be, at least, genuinely cordial to one another. I’ve tried very hard not to hold grudges and to allow people to redeem themselves through their actions, in hopes they would give me the same consideration. But more specifically, there are times when the romantic connections, between men and women, well...disconnect and it makes me wonder, after a breakup, can exes be friends?

The first thing to note is that if you and your ex were never really friends to begin with, then you can forget about trying to forge a friendship now. Listen to me; there's a big chance it ain’t gonna happen, especially if the break wasn’t a joint agreement. A relationship correspondent for AskMen.com believes that, “…relationships rarely see mutual breakups. But the person who does the breaking up feels like less of a bad guy by offering that sense of truce: "It's not you, it's me. We'll still be friends, right?" This peace offering of friendship provides the dumper with the solace of knowing they aren't such a horrible person because they still want to be friends with their ex.” And, if you read, It’s Called a Breakup Because it’s Broken, you remember that the authors also interpret this tactic to be simply a rhetorical expression for the personal benefit of the dumper and not a literal means to spare the dumped.

Let’s walk through one of my analogies for a moment. We’re in a recession. As a result, people are losing their jobs and therefore can’t pay their bills, their mortgage. The prices of homes are going down, but people in the market to buy may still struggle with affording the down payment. It seems to be a lose/lose situation, resulting in a lot of empty homes. Conversely, women have been experiencing a male recession for quite some time.

The Housing Market
Doing my best to paraphrase, a good friend* recently said that there are many homes on the market, but no matter what the purchasing incentives are, if a man cannot or is not willing to make the down payment to solidify that he is serious about owning the home, he simply cannot be pressured into buying. To that I reminded him about the first time homebuyers’ programs, which most times waive the down payment and closing costs. But I caught myself. Those people typically have “good credit.” There are always exceptions, but trying to rent-to-own a “friendship” with an ex with the hope that he’ll one day buy into your idea of a relationship is not the way to go. If however, you’ve established “good credit” along the way, there may be an opportunity to, at least, remain friends.

With one of my exes, it was obvious that after only a few months as a couple, we weren’t as compatible as we were attracted to one another. There were no hard feelings and we, sporadically, keep in touch. And although our current terms are harmless, when asked by his wife, he denied that we were ever anything more than friends, because of her being opposed to any communication whatsoever. So on that note, comes my first of two examples:

O.P.P. (Other Potential Property)
Yes, I absolutely believe it is possible for men and women to be friends if the guidelines are set in the beginning. If both exes are clear that there is no chance to rekindle what was, then the two can possibly pull off a friendship, but the likelihood is well, unlikely. Additionally, if either person formerly involved in the relationship, currently has a significant other, seldom is any type of relationship with an ex appropriate because of the chance that someone will be insecure with the state of affairs (for lack of a better phrase).

The situation between me and another ex is a little different. To my knowledge, neither of us is actively engaged in a relationship. However, that doesn’t automatically signify friendship being in the cards. I think we can both agree to having had a very unique relationship, so for it to conclude when it did, the way it did came unexpectedly. This leads to my next example:

Buying For(e)closure
If one or both parties are still looking for closure from the way the relationship ended, the prospect of moving on as just friends can be unrealistic as well. Keep in mind: foreclosed homes come “as is.” They were lived in and when you purchase it, you’ll have to clean up the mess from the prior owner. If the previous owner couldn’t keep up with the mortgage, they most likely couldn’t keep up with repairs. You could potentially be looking at a total rehabilitation project that most aren’t willing to undertake. If the foundation isn’t strong, making renovations is pointless.

It truly depends on the state of the relationship while it was in play and how it ended. The best way to determine if you can maintain a friendship with an ex is to measure the dynamic, both romantic and platonic, the storms it weathered and if, after the storm, the foundation stayed intact. Whatever you do, don’t force it. Remember: reason, season, lifetime. And next time a potential relationship presents itself, make it a point to build a friendship first.

Good luck! Live.Love.Learn...and then repeat!

Not working out?
Song For Thought: We Can’t Be Friends, Deborah Cox & R.L.


Want to start your next relationship on a friendly turf?
Song for thought: "Step Further," Sol Edler (3rd song on playlist)

March Madness

As much as I enjoy basketball, I usually don’t get the chance to follow it like I want because seldom do I have an opportunity to sit still for more than an hour at a time. So, when the NCAA Championships come around and it’s time to fill out my bracket, I analyze all the seeds by rank, historic wins and losses and the strengths and weaknesses of the starting lineup. And sometimes, when I get midway through, I get lazy and just start to guess. Occasionally, I give the win to the underdog, while other times it just makes sense to hand them the upset considering the odds. I can only imagine what it’s like to be in charge of drafting the players. If you think analyzing 65 teams is rough, can you envision what it must take to analyze hundreds of players around the country? Majorly overwhelming. How do you know you’re not picking the wrong players, overlooking the right ones? I would assume it kind of takes the fun out of scouting at times.

I was reading through my friends’ Facebook statuses this morning when I came across this one: “This dating game is not a game anymore.” It was actually written by a guy! It made me laugh in agreement and then I got to thinking about how the dating dynamics have shifted.

I’m single (as if you didn’t already know). In every situation in which I was involved on some version/level of seriousness with a guy that resulted in termination, it was my choice. Now, in one or two instances, their intentional actions may have forced me to make that decision because (as emphasized in the last blog post) at times, were too apprehensive to just tell the person. But ultimately, it was my decision. I’m not saying I’m the bomb, although I am (smile), it’s just that for one reason or another it wasn’t working out and I either didn’t see the point in fighting for it, or there was no fight left in me, so I called it quits. Whatever the cause, I'd always get the universal response from others when I broke the news, “Oh well, it’s his loss.” Well, that phrase is beginning to frustrate me. In this dating game, at what point does “he” get tired of losing?

I am more than aware that, in line with my previous basketball analogies to dating, women are the coaches of their team and are in control of who they recruit and for which position. However, what I have a hard time accepting is that a guy can recruit me for his lineup as well and sometimes he’ll choose me to play a position that doesn’t highlight my strengths, adding little value to his team. In turn, I don’t play to my full potential and depending upon what position I’ve given him, I can go one of two routes: shine on every other player on his team to get the coach’s attention or request to be traded.

I’m stubborn (not always…but, I think it can come out in us all), so sometimes I feel like I don’t need to prove myself to any guy and therefore, have no problem leaving him with the loss. As far as I’m concerned, no one else on his team can perform like I can, so if he doesn’t want to start me, I’ll watch him lose…as a spectator. My mom claims I have absolutely no staying power because lately, my first reaction has been to walk. But as I see it, I’ve played enough games and I’m saving us both time.

Generally, as a result, the unfortunate occurs. He realizes he’s losing without me and wants me back on his team. Only this time, he wants me to play the position I was cut out for all along. And more often than not, by this time, I’ve found no need to be such an asset. While it’s always nice to be wanted, that doesn’t negate the fact that it’s completely irritating to be an afterthought!

So, I offer you a word of advice from one of my trusted advisors:

Be certain that the guy you’ve recruited to play on your team has a similar understanding as to your role on his. If you sit on this guy's bench, while he is a star player in your game, disaster is right around the corner.

In layman’s terms, “Don’t make someone a priority that only makes you an option.” Now, how you articulate those respective roles without scaring/scarring the other person is the tricky part. By nature, I always resort to sarcasm. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. You don’t have to tell them you’re looking for a husband, but a simple, "I'm not looking for a booty call" type of comment should send him the message to either remove you from his list of potentially easy “scores” or respectfully trade you so that his attempt doesn’t result in a technical foul.

Live.Love.Learn…and then repeat!

Keep the Change

If the year 2008 was the year of new beginnings, then, my goodness, a CHANGE has come!

I challenge you to EMBRACE the new people and experiences that have come your way and still await you. To those who've lost people thought to be around for a lifetime, be cognizant of the purpose they served in your life and the direction in which they helped guide your next steps. Whether it resulted from your decision or someone else’s, invest with the change that you’ve received and make a sincere effort to let go of anything that no longer makes sense to your progression.

Author Alan Cohen once said, “It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.”

I hope that every new beginning that has sprung into your life this year has made you a stronger, wiser and better individual. For those who LIVE, LOVE, LEARN and have the courage to repeat the process, I wish you many blessings in the New Year!

Song for thought: "Love Brings Change," Jamie Foxx

Excuses are Tools...

About two months ago I went through a “break up,” for lack of a better phrase. If you’ve been following uLive.uLove.uLearn for a while, you may have noticed a few posts regarding a relationship in which I dated, phased out, re-dated and fell in love with this guy I used to know. Well, the title of the blog isn’t specifically ordered live, love, learn for no reason. As you live your life, you will find love or have it find you and, whether or not it lasts four months or forever, you most certainly should learn from the experience.

I had no intention of even writing about the way it ended or why because, long in short, our time together was our time together and I've previously stated my theories on "reason, season, lifetime." But, in truth, it took me a long time to accept that reality. All along I “didn't want to hear” what he “didn't want to tell” me, especially when I’d previously defended the relationship and the emotions that came of it, to myself and others. But while engaging in conversation with other women about their experiences, I noticed a common, unhealthy pattern and it’s time for this to stop. Ladies, if you remember nothing else I ever write, remember this: STOP making excuses for men (and for your actions concerning them)! Seriously, it just makes you look stupid…bottom line. Stupidity can come in the form of, but is not limited to, the following phrases:

-“He’s young and doesn’t know what he wants.” (Do tell the appropriate age at which wisdom kicks in.)

-“He has trust issues/he’s been hurt in the past.” (Join the club!)

-“They didn’t officially break up because he didn’t want to hurt her feelings.” (What about yours?)

-“He thought a relationship would distract him from reaching his life goals.” (“I’m a movement by myself, but…”)

-“He has potential/good intentions.” (“The road to hell is paved with…”)

-“Technically, we weren’t together so it’s not really considered cheating.” (Define cheating. I’ll wait…)

-“But he loves me.” (My personal favorite.)

-“She’s not even cute!” (Since when does “it” have a face?)

Of course, there’s more, but you know what constitutes an excuse (to make apology for or to try to remove blame from) and how dumb you sound when you attempt to rationalize it, so the aforementioned should suffice. And please don’t give me that know-it-all response of, “It’s a legitimate reason,” because a reason (a statement offered in explanation or justification) for giving you anything less than you deserve is a terrible excuse just the same. Don't get me wrong, there are exceptions, but excuses and exceptions are two different things! I’m not angry with you, I am you; always willing to constantly give someone the benefit of the doubt even when they’ve repeatedly disappointed you. Save yourself the time and heartache and listen to his nonverbal way of saying, “I’m not the one.” Trust me on this, it will hurt more to ignore the obvious than to accept it for what it is and move on.

It’s very easy to justify actions or inactions because we are in love. I’m a huge advocate for love and loving hard, but we have got to do so with our head and heart alike. Love, or the prospect of it, can weaken the heart and mess with the mind of even the strongest people, which is why when one is badly affected; the other must take over in its place. Love is, by far, the most addicting drug of all and once diagnosed, there’s not a prescription you can think of to cure it or a vaccine to prevent it.

If you’ve followed the 2008 presidential campaign (Gooobama!), you might recall the candidates referring to Einstein’s definition of insanity (doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results). Well, my darlings, you must be out of your minds to think that he will stop doing something that you’ve continued to allow him to do. Here’s one other thing to remember: women set the tone in any relationship and men have two options: rock with it or roll out!

Comedian and radio host, Steve Harvey said it best in a response to one of his daily “Strawberry Letter” entries. Doing my best to paraphrase, he said that if a woman enters a relationship with no standards and requirements set in place (specifically on how she is to be treated), the man will have free reign to do what he wants. He also made it very clear that a woman is wasting her time to think she can change any man. Therefore, she can’t hit the rewind button once she feels disrespected and then try to enforce those standards and requirements. At that point, it is most likely too late for him. Conversely, if she is upfront and clear about her standards & requirements, he will make the conscious decision to step up to the plate or not.

Keep making excuses if you want to, but that is the “bare-naked truth” from a man. “Excuses are tools of the incompetent…,” so if you consider your relationship to be useless, hopeless and inept, keep on building those monuments, girls!

Live, Love, Learn and repeat!