March Madness

As much as I enjoy basketball, I usually don’t get the chance to follow it like I want because seldom do I have an opportunity to sit still for more than an hour at a time. So, when the NCAA Championships come around and it’s time to fill out my bracket, I analyze all the seeds by rank, historic wins and losses and the strengths and weaknesses of the starting lineup. And sometimes, when I get midway through, I get lazy and just start to guess. Occasionally, I give the win to the underdog, while other times it just makes sense to hand them the upset considering the odds. I can only imagine what it’s like to be in charge of drafting the players. If you think analyzing 65 teams is rough, can you envision what it must take to analyze hundreds of players around the country? Majorly overwhelming. How do you know you’re not picking the wrong players, overlooking the right ones? I would assume it kind of takes the fun out of scouting at times.

I was reading through my friends’ Facebook statuses this morning when I came across this one: “This dating game is not a game anymore.” It was actually written by a guy! It made me laugh in agreement and then I got to thinking about how the dating dynamics have shifted.

I’m single (as if you didn’t already know). In every situation in which I was involved on some version/level of seriousness with a guy that resulted in termination, it was my choice. Now, in one or two instances, their intentional actions may have forced me to make that decision because (as emphasized in the last blog post) at times, were too apprehensive to just tell the person. But ultimately, it was my decision. I’m not saying I’m the bomb, although I am (smile), it’s just that for one reason or another it wasn’t working out and I either didn’t see the point in fighting for it, or there was no fight left in me, so I called it quits. Whatever the cause, I'd always get the universal response from others when I broke the news, “Oh well, it’s his loss.” Well, that phrase is beginning to frustrate me. In this dating game, at what point does “he” get tired of losing?

I am more than aware that, in line with my previous basketball analogies to dating, women are the coaches of their team and are in control of who they recruit and for which position. However, what I have a hard time accepting is that a guy can recruit me for his lineup as well and sometimes he’ll choose me to play a position that doesn’t highlight my strengths, adding little value to his team. In turn, I don’t play to my full potential and depending upon what position I’ve given him, I can go one of two routes: shine on every other player on his team to get the coach’s attention or request to be traded.

I’m stubborn (not always…but, I think it can come out in us all), so sometimes I feel like I don’t need to prove myself to any guy and therefore, have no problem leaving him with the loss. As far as I’m concerned, no one else on his team can perform like I can, so if he doesn’t want to start me, I’ll watch him lose…as a spectator. My mom claims I have absolutely no staying power because lately, my first reaction has been to walk. But as I see it, I’ve played enough games and I’m saving us both time.

Generally, as a result, the unfortunate occurs. He realizes he’s losing without me and wants me back on his team. Only this time, he wants me to play the position I was cut out for all along. And more often than not, by this time, I’ve found no need to be such an asset. While it’s always nice to be wanted, that doesn’t negate the fact that it’s completely irritating to be an afterthought!

So, I offer you a word of advice from one of my trusted advisors:

Be certain that the guy you’ve recruited to play on your team has a similar understanding as to your role on his. If you sit on this guy's bench, while he is a star player in your game, disaster is right around the corner.

In layman’s terms, “Don’t make someone a priority that only makes you an option.” Now, how you articulate those respective roles without scaring/scarring the other person is the tricky part. By nature, I always resort to sarcasm. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. You don’t have to tell them you’re looking for a husband, but a simple, "I'm not looking for a booty call" type of comment should send him the message to either remove you from his list of potentially easy “scores” or respectfully trade you so that his attempt doesn’t result in a technical foul.

Live.Love.Learn…and then repeat!

She's Just Not That Into You

In the post, “Good Guys Finish Last…but they do finish!” I challenged women to date outside the box. But, I may need to retract my statement, or at least make an addendum. It took me a while to understand, but because of recent circumstances, it has become even clearer to me that sometimes, you just can't force something that's not initially there.

WARNING: Do not confuse Mr. Nice with Mr. Right. If you already know “it’s” not there, don’t stick around thinking “it” will show up just because he’s a nice guy.

I briefly dated a divorcé. When I inquired about his reasons for divorce, he simple stated that although she was a nice woman, a doctor, smart and sophisticated, he wasn't physically attracted to her. At first, I thought it was such a shallow response, but now I think a little differently. His “it” was physical attraction.

One of my best friends found herself in a similar predicament and it went like this:

There was a guy with whom she went to high school. They shared a few mutual friends, but she didn’t recall ever speaking to him. She remembered him being quiet and a tad corny. So when he offered to take out her out and welcome her to the area in which she recently moved, she wasn’t expecting anything more than a few drinks accompanied by boring "catch up" conversation. What she didn’t anticipate was to have great discussion accompanied by non-stop laughter. While he wasn't the type of guy she’s typically attracted to, he was a nice guy who made her laugh so she figured she'd give him a try and agreed to hang out with him again.

After their third time hanging out, he tried to make a move by kissing her and at that moment she realized she wasn't interested in moving beyond friends. There was no physical attraction, so his decision to go in for the kiss repulsed her. Although he possessed the fundamentals: same religious beliefs, sense of humor, dignity and respect, that alone wasn't enough to make Mr. Nice her Mr. Right. She could have forced herself to like him as more than a friend, but inside, she wouldn't necessarily be satisfied. Who knows, she could end up like my divorcé; out one night, having bumped into someone to whom she is more attracted and not having the self-restraint to maintain fidelity. She knew she had to tell him, but how? After strongly considering lying, she told him the sugar-coated truth: he was a great guy whom she enjoyed hanging out with, but she was only interested in being friends. He seemed to be cool with that. Whether or not he still has hope for more is a different topic.

I was headed to work one morning, waiting for the train, when a guy walked up to me with a big grin on his face. At first, I thought he might’ve known me the way he approached me. That’s how familiar and confident he was. He started a conversation and when the train came, he sat down beside me. Great. Right before getting to his stop, he asked if we could exchange numbers. I wasn’t interested, but because he was a nice guy, I handed him my business card instead. First mistake!

I had no idea how to tell this man I wasn't interested, but I figured a few ignored calls would do the trick. Just kidding! When I finally decided to call him back, the conversation was decent so I decided that I would give him a chance and agreed to meet him for a drink after work. Yes, I chickened out. Second mistake. Right before I left the office, I got a text from him. There was a change of plans. Instead of going out for a drink, he wanted to rent movies and order pizza (the nerve)! I took it as my cue and finally told him, “I’m sorry, but don’t want to lead you on. I’m just not that interested. Take care.” Unfortunately, that didn’t sit well with him because I got four text messages telling me EXACTLY what he thought of me. You'd think we'd been dating for weeks, that he'd spent money wining and dining me. Some of you may think that, because I drug my feet, I deserved it. If I cared, I’d beg to differ.

We've all been there. We're walking down the street and a guy yells out for us to give him the time of day and when we say no, however we convey it, he replies rudely to our deny.

I do realize that no one likes rejection, men and women alike. But let’s face it, rejection is a bigger blow to a man’s ego than a woman’s. For this reason, women must be mindful that how he responds most times depends on how she breaks the news and when. Why should we care about his feelings? We shouldn’t. Men who aren't interested in us FOR SURE don’t care about how we feel (most men anyway). But the point is, we’re women: caring individuals. We’ll spend more time trying to figure out how to spare his feelings, while failing to realize the more time we take, the more damage we're doing.

I don’t think you have to apologize for not being interested; you just need to tell him promptly and in a way that doesn’t hurt his ego. You may possibly salvage what could potentially be a good friendship or, at best, keeping a future encounter as peaceful as possible. The fact that we put this much thought into breaking up with someone we were never with is a headache in itself, but karma is real so keep in mind that the man of your dreams may not feel the same about you. Let others down the way you would "want" to be let down. You could always have the "it's not you, it's me" talk or you could blame it on not being completely over your ex. But instead of lying, as SOON as you realize that you're just not that into him, say so, NICELY.