Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Who Gon' Check Me Boo?
In a game of pick up, to check the ball means that the ball is in play. The concept of a check is on a new possession. The ball is handed to the opponent to make sure that they are ready and set to go. At that point, the player passes or checks the ball back to the opponent and the game is back in motion.
Six hours after being bitten by a 24-hour bug, I peeled myself out of bed and attempted to look somewhat presentable by slapping on some make up, slicking back my hair into a bun, hopping (literally) into some skinny jeans, boots, blazer and a scarf and trekking my way through the cold rain to an underground bar in the city known best for its live jazz shows. I was going to support a friend who had made his way to my town while on tour. I would’ve stayed in bed, but it dawned on me there was a chance I could bump into a crush I’d met almost two years prior, yet had only seen once since. It was worth the chance. He was that gorgeous.
I first met him at this musician-friend’s wedding. He was a groomsman (read: he has at least one friend in a committed relationship…score!). A bunch of us stayed up that night catching up over music and a few drinks in the host hotel. There was no question he was the finest guy there as a few other women were vying for his attention. As driven as I am about going after and getting what I want, I’ve always been the complete opposite with guys. It’s an ego thing. Why in the world would I contribute to the senseless small talk, calculated giggles and batted eyes? Not my style. I decided to pass. Through mutual friends, I learned he lived in my area and so I put a bug in their ear that I was interested and hoped to run into him in the future.
In a quirk of fate, I bumped into him again six months later while on a date. For a brief second I’d forgotten I was with someone else. Yes, he was still that gorgeous. He passed on his business card and I did the professional thing by following up via email the following week. “Dear (crush), it was great running into you. Maybe next time we can do it over drinks. ‘Til then, be well.” He didn’t respond immediately, and to this day I can’t recall what he wrote, but we never met for drinks. So, eventually, out of sight, out of mind he went.
Fast forward to present day, it's been almost a year since our last encounter. I was pleasantly surprised and relieved to see my crush was in fact at the jazz show looking gorgeous...still. At the end of the night, as I was saying my goodbyes to friends in the crowd, we made eye contact. We spoke briefly in the dimly-lit venue, but again, I failed to make a move. Too many people were around, it was late and I was sick (read: I chickened out). So, I followed up with a message similar to the one I’d previously sent. As of yet, no response.
What is wrong with this dude? Didn’t I give him enough of a hint that I was interested? Or is it simply that he’s not? Impossible! Is it me? Word to Charlie Sheen, I’ve been dating so many losers that I forgot what it’s like to be winning in this dating game. Twice, I’ve made a pass by placing the ball in his court, trying to get him involved in this game of pick up (pun intended). Twice, he has failed to put this game in motion. I’m more than capable once the ball is in my possession, but who gon’ check me, boo?
To be continued… I hope.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Social Cues
I felt my mind – and my eyes for that matter – begin to wander. This man just kept talking…and with his hands no less. It was as if I were across the table from a used car salesman. His fast-talking was a dead giveaway that he was trying to hide something; too insecure to simply shut up for a minute. Poor guy.An hour and a half went by and I learned about his parents, their parents and of course, his ex – which for a while I thought was imaginary. I did my very best to stay involved in the conversation. I interjected when possible with a smile, a nod here and there and every 20 minutes or so a subtle mention of how tired I was followed by checking the time. I even did the honor of motioning the waiter for the check. My “date” was oblivious to it all. I struggle to even label this encounter a date because I knew I wasn’t interested before we went out. Contrarily, my girlfriend was so sure we’d hit it off that I eventually gave in. I now know she simply wanted a double dating pair as she was seeing a friend of his.
Small gestures buried beneath the “cool guy façade” let me know he was a gentleman, yet throughout the nervous laughter and jibber jabber, I quickly came to the conclusion that my first instinct was indeed correct. I was not interested and there was no connection. Zilch. I’d share more of my experience, but I doubt you’d keep reading and I wouldn’t blame you.
Before I could call my girlfriend to lay her out for setting me up, she called me to report back his version of the date. Apparently, he had a great time and was looking forward to the next outing. He “felt something.” I blame the appetizers. He surely couldn’t have gotten that vibe from me. I don’t mean to be an asshole (not this time anyway), but why didn’t he pick up on what I was putting down?
Studies have shown that people who find it hard to make friends and establish long-term relationships also have trouble interpreting social cues. Go figure.
I’ve heard people say that women can decide within 30 seconds whether or not they want to sleep with a man. I wouldn’t go that far – unless we’re talking about Bradley Cooper or someone of equal or greater aesthetic appeal (insert one of your “Top 5” celebrities here). However, I will agree that 30 seconds into a conversation, we can generally decide whether or not we want to continue conversing. That’s why first dates should always be limited to less than an hour with the opportunity to extend beyond that timeframe. If you plan to meet over a drink and not dinner and the date is going south, you can excuse yourself after one drink and not have to wallow through idle conversation as you order a meal, wait for it to arrive, eat it and wait again for the check.
If you’re out with someone and you are clueless when it comes to being clued in on if they’re feeling you, keep the following social cues in mind:
1. When in public, is their body facing away from yours?
2. Do they look around the room to see who else is watching the two of you?
3. Are they avoiding eye contact?
4. Are they frequently checking their watch or cell phone for the time?
5. Do they yawn intermittently?
If the answer to all these questions is “yes,” then I hate to break it to you, but their social cues indicate that a next date may not be in the cards. Don’t be offended, simply move on. The person that’s right for you will be engaged in dialogue. When you’re together, time will fly by and you’ll both be anxiously waiting to meet again. Til that time comes, live.love.learn…and repeat!
Monday, January 25, 2010
Dear Ms. Wright
Dear Ms. Wright,
Since the breakup from a five-year relationship, I haven’t had much luck finding anyone worth my time to date. All the guys present themselves to be the perfect guy, but sooner or later down the line, they end up being a waste. Valentine’s Day is approaching and, as a result, I’ve stopped going out in social settings at all. I just don’t have the energy to deal with losers and I sometimes question whether or not this grass is greener than my last relationship.
Anonymous, age 26
Milky Mess,
What you're experiencing is completely normal. You've been in a relationship for all of your adult life and although the break up isn't brand new, this is the first Valentine’s Day as a real single woman. The last thing you want to do in this situation is hide. For every few losers, there’s bound to be an un-spoiled one in the bunch. How the hell is he supposed to find you if you refuse to see and be seen?
Make it easy for him with these three simple steps:
1. Go to the craft store and buy some fabric paint.
2. Purchase a bright, solid-colored top and
3. Using the fabric paint, apply the following message onto the shirt: HERE I AM!
There is NO USE in crying over spoiled/spilled milk. I never understood that phrase, but let me try to make sense of it now. All of your ex-boyfriends can fall into the category of "Spoiled Milk."
In the beginning, it was what you needed, it was good for you to experience your ex-boyfriend because of the emotional growth spurt that you encountered while together (milk = healthy bones = growth, get it?). But, like milk, if you try to savor it well past the expiration date, you'll be left with a sour taste in your mouth. DISPOSE OF IT! No matter how good the milk may have complimented your cereal or fluffed your pancake, it's no longer healthy for you to consume and will leave a bad taste in your mouth.
All of your "subpar" suitors since your breakup, let’s call them all "Spilled Milk." Whether you wasted some of the milk or spilled the entire carton, apparently it just wasn't meant to consume the whole carton. That could be a blessing in disguise.
Remember, milk doesn't cost that much. You can buy another carton. What I mean is, it won't take much for you to bump into another guy. However, be cautious when shopping. No grocer is going to sell you spoiled milk. For the most part, guys will market themselves to be worth purchasing. Whether or not the milk will spoil soon after purchasing or if you'll consume it in enough time to reap the benefits is still open for discussion. But, that’s simply a part of the experience. To find out, you have to, at least, open the carton.
It's hard starting over, but it's necessary. Good luck. Have the courage to live, love, learn...and repeat!
Since the breakup from a five-year relationship, I haven’t had much luck finding anyone worth my time to date. All the guys present themselves to be the perfect guy, but sooner or later down the line, they end up being a waste. Valentine’s Day is approaching and, as a result, I’ve stopped going out in social settings at all. I just don’t have the energy to deal with losers and I sometimes question whether or not this grass is greener than my last relationship.
Anonymous, age 26
Milky Mess,
What you're experiencing is completely normal. You've been in a relationship for all of your adult life and although the break up isn't brand new, this is the first Valentine’s Day as a real single woman. The last thing you want to do in this situation is hide. For every few losers, there’s bound to be an un-spoiled one in the bunch. How the hell is he supposed to find you if you refuse to see and be seen?
Make it easy for him with these three simple steps:
1. Go to the craft store and buy some fabric paint.
2. Purchase a bright, solid-colored top and
3. Using the fabric paint, apply the following message onto the shirt: HERE I AM!
There is NO USE in crying over spoiled/spilled milk. I never understood that phrase, but let me try to make sense of it now. All of your ex-boyfriends can fall into the category of "Spoiled Milk."
In the beginning, it was what you needed, it was good for you to experience your ex-boyfriend because of the emotional growth spurt that you encountered while together (milk = healthy bones = growth, get it?). But, like milk, if you try to savor it well past the expiration date, you'll be left with a sour taste in your mouth. DISPOSE OF IT! No matter how good the milk may have complimented your cereal or fluffed your pancake, it's no longer healthy for you to consume and will leave a bad taste in your mouth.
All of your "subpar" suitors since your breakup, let’s call them all "Spilled Milk." Whether you wasted some of the milk or spilled the entire carton, apparently it just wasn't meant to consume the whole carton. That could be a blessing in disguise.
Remember, milk doesn't cost that much. You can buy another carton. What I mean is, it won't take much for you to bump into another guy. However, be cautious when shopping. No grocer is going to sell you spoiled milk. For the most part, guys will market themselves to be worth purchasing. Whether or not the milk will spoil soon after purchasing or if you'll consume it in enough time to reap the benefits is still open for discussion. But, that’s simply a part of the experience. To find out, you have to, at least, open the carton.
It's hard starting over, but it's necessary. Good luck. Have the courage to live, love, learn...and repeat!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
March Madness
As much as I enjoy basketball, I usually don’t get the chance to follow it like I want because seldom do I have an opportunity to sit still for more than an hour at a time. So, when the NCAA Championships come around and it’s time to fill out my bracket, I analyze all the seeds by rank, historic wins and losses and the strengths and weaknesses of the starting lineup. And sometimes, when I get midway through, I get lazy and just start to guess. Occasionally, I give the win to the underdog, while other times it just makes sense to hand them the upset considering the odds. I can only imagine what it’s like to be in charge of drafting the players. If you think analyzing 65 teams is rough, can you envision what it must take to analyze hundreds of players around the country? Majorly overwhelming. How do you know you’re not picking the wrong players, overlooking the right ones? I would assume it kind of takes the fun out of scouting at times.
I was reading through my friends’ Facebook statuses this morning when I came across this one: “This dating game is not a game anymore.” It was actually written by a guy! It made me laugh in agreement and then I got to thinking about how the dating dynamics have shifted.
I’m single (as if you didn’t already know). In every situation in which I was involved on some version/level of seriousness with a guy that resulted in termination, it was my choice. Now, in one or two instances, their intentional actions may have forced me to make that decision because (as emphasized in the last blog post) at times, were too apprehensive to just tell the person. But ultimately, it was my decision. I’m not saying I’m the bomb, although I am (smile), it’s just that for one reason or another it wasn’t working out and I either didn’t see the point in fighting for it, or there was no fight left in me, so I called it quits. Whatever the cause, I'd always get the universal response from others when I broke the news, “Oh well, it’s his loss.” Well, that phrase is beginning to frustrate me. In this dating game, at what point does “he” get tired of losing?
I am more than aware that, in line with my previous basketball analogies to dating, women are the coaches of their team and are in control of who they recruit and for which position. However, what I have a hard time accepting is that a guy can recruit me for his lineup as well and sometimes he’ll choose me to play a position that doesn’t highlight my strengths, adding little value to his team. In turn, I don’t play to my full potential and depending upon what position I’ve given him, I can go one of two routes: shine on every other player on his team to get the coach’s attention or request to be traded.
I’m stubborn (not always…but, I think it can come out in us all), so sometimes I feel like I don’t need to prove myself to any guy and therefore, have no problem leaving him with the loss. As far as I’m concerned, no one else on his team can perform like I can, so if he doesn’t want to start me, I’ll watch him lose…as a spectator. My mom claims I have absolutely no staying power because lately, my first reaction has been to walk. But as I see it, I’ve played enough games and I’m saving us both time.
Generally, as a result, the unfortunate occurs. He realizes he’s losing without me and wants me back on his team. Only this time, he wants me to play the position I was cut out for all along. And more often than not, by this time, I’ve found no need to be such an asset. While it’s always nice to be wanted, that doesn’t negate the fact that it’s completely irritating to be an afterthought!
So, I offer you a word of advice from one of my trusted advisors:
Be certain that the guy you’ve recruited to play on your team has a similar understanding as to your role on his. If you sit on this guy's bench, while he is a star player in your game, disaster is right around the corner.
In layman’s terms, “Don’t make someone a priority that only makes you an option.” Now, how you articulate those respective roles without scaring/scarring the other person is the tricky part. By nature, I always resort to sarcasm. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. You don’t have to tell them you’re looking for a husband, but a simple, "I'm not looking for a booty call" type of comment should send him the message to either remove you from his list of potentially easy “scores” or respectfully trade you so that his attempt doesn’t result in a technical foul.
Live.Love.Learn…and then repeat!
I was reading through my friends’ Facebook statuses this morning when I came across this one: “This dating game is not a game anymore.” It was actually written by a guy! It made me laugh in agreement and then I got to thinking about how the dating dynamics have shifted.
I’m single (as if you didn’t already know). In every situation in which I was involved on some version/level of seriousness with a guy that resulted in termination, it was my choice. Now, in one or two instances, their intentional actions may have forced me to make that decision because (as emphasized in the last blog post) at times, were too apprehensive to just tell the person. But ultimately, it was my decision. I’m not saying I’m the bomb, although I am (smile), it’s just that for one reason or another it wasn’t working out and I either didn’t see the point in fighting for it, or there was no fight left in me, so I called it quits. Whatever the cause, I'd always get the universal response from others when I broke the news, “Oh well, it’s his loss.” Well, that phrase is beginning to frustrate me. In this dating game, at what point does “he” get tired of losing?
I am more than aware that, in line with my previous basketball analogies to dating, women are the coaches of their team and are in control of who they recruit and for which position. However, what I have a hard time accepting is that a guy can recruit me for his lineup as well and sometimes he’ll choose me to play a position that doesn’t highlight my strengths, adding little value to his team. In turn, I don’t play to my full potential and depending upon what position I’ve given him, I can go one of two routes: shine on every other player on his team to get the coach’s attention or request to be traded.
I’m stubborn (not always…but, I think it can come out in us all), so sometimes I feel like I don’t need to prove myself to any guy and therefore, have no problem leaving him with the loss. As far as I’m concerned, no one else on his team can perform like I can, so if he doesn’t want to start me, I’ll watch him lose…as a spectator. My mom claims I have absolutely no staying power because lately, my first reaction has been to walk. But as I see it, I’ve played enough games and I’m saving us both time.
Generally, as a result, the unfortunate occurs. He realizes he’s losing without me and wants me back on his team. Only this time, he wants me to play the position I was cut out for all along. And more often than not, by this time, I’ve found no need to be such an asset. While it’s always nice to be wanted, that doesn’t negate the fact that it’s completely irritating to be an afterthought!
So, I offer you a word of advice from one of my trusted advisors:
Be certain that the guy you’ve recruited to play on your team has a similar understanding as to your role on his. If you sit on this guy's bench, while he is a star player in your game, disaster is right around the corner.
In layman’s terms, “Don’t make someone a priority that only makes you an option.” Now, how you articulate those respective roles without scaring/scarring the other person is the tricky part. By nature, I always resort to sarcasm. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. You don’t have to tell them you’re looking for a husband, but a simple, "I'm not looking for a booty call" type of comment should send him the message to either remove you from his list of potentially easy “scores” or respectfully trade you so that his attempt doesn’t result in a technical foul.
Live.Love.Learn…and then repeat!
Sunday, August 17, 2008
The Four-Letter Word
Many times throughout life, we are faced with the past, present and future effects of a particular four-letter word. Whether or not we are aware of or admit to its presence, no one is immune to its impact on our lives and our relationships, or the lack thereof. It is the difference between being content versus truly happy; being stagnant versus progressing onward; between trying and succeeding. It represents the unknown, and at the same time, the all-too familiar. It is fear, the most popular four-letter emotion.
Fear is an emotional response to threats and danger that is related to the specific behaviors of escape and avoidance. Fear is often connected to pain. It is a survival mechanism, and usually occurs in response to a specific negative stimulus (Wikipedia).
As it relates to dating and relationships, people are afraid of many things for many reasons. Whatever the individual case may be, what I’ve found to be the most common reasons people fear anything or anyone is because of its ability to reveal truth and happiness.
We all know the notorious scene from the movie, A Few Good Men, when the characters played by Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson are in a heated court-room argument. Tom demands to be told the truth when Jack replies, “You can’t handle the truth!” Many of us fear searching for the truth because what we may or may not find could be out of our control. However, the truth can only be discovered when we are open-minded and realistic about the outcome.
Happiness, on the other hand, is not something you search for; it isn’t something that can be given to you. Instead, happiness should be defined by your ability to maintain a positive outlook in every situation.
I’ve known a lot of people to remain within a deteriorating relationship because they feared the ultimate heartache of being alone and/or having to “start from scratch” in finding and trusting in someone new. Conversely, I’ve come in contact with those who remain single because of their fear to commit. It is when the ideals of both internal struggles coincide that causes an external conflict between two people.
Since the beginning of their five-year relationship, Joy* searched for clues to prove that her man was cheating. She couldn’t fathom the thought of one man being satisfied with one person. Her actions were an attempt to avoid the disappointment that resulted from a failed relationship between her parents. Yet when her boyfriend finally confessed to cheating, she stayed with him. Her reasons for staying weren’t in hopes that she could work with him through his bouts of infidelity, but for fear of having to share with and learn someone new coupled with the feeling of being unwanted by anyone else.
To overcome fear, one must inherit an attribute of courage. We have a tendency to talk ourselves out of bravery because we fear that of which we’ve yet to experience. Many of us would rather walk blindly in our comfort zone of misery, because it is to what we’re accustomed, than to be exposed to something different and unfamiliar.
Think about how fear has interfered in your relationship(s) and/or how it has hindered the development of one. As mentioned before, no one is immune from possessing a spirit of fear. However, before we can even imagine experiencing the emotion of love with another person, we must learn not to surrender to fear and instead lean on the other “f” word…faith.
“A man without fear is a fool. But, a man that succumbs to his fear is a coward.” –Unknown
Live.Love.Learn...and then repeat!
*Name has been changed to protect the individual's identity.
Fear is an emotional response to threats and danger that is related to the specific behaviors of escape and avoidance. Fear is often connected to pain. It is a survival mechanism, and usually occurs in response to a specific negative stimulus (Wikipedia).
As it relates to dating and relationships, people are afraid of many things for many reasons. Whatever the individual case may be, what I’ve found to be the most common reasons people fear anything or anyone is because of its ability to reveal truth and happiness.
We all know the notorious scene from the movie, A Few Good Men, when the characters played by Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson are in a heated court-room argument. Tom demands to be told the truth when Jack replies, “You can’t handle the truth!” Many of us fear searching for the truth because what we may or may not find could be out of our control. However, the truth can only be discovered when we are open-minded and realistic about the outcome.
Happiness, on the other hand, is not something you search for; it isn’t something that can be given to you. Instead, happiness should be defined by your ability to maintain a positive outlook in every situation.
I’ve known a lot of people to remain within a deteriorating relationship because they feared the ultimate heartache of being alone and/or having to “start from scratch” in finding and trusting in someone new. Conversely, I’ve come in contact with those who remain single because of their fear to commit. It is when the ideals of both internal struggles coincide that causes an external conflict between two people.
Since the beginning of their five-year relationship, Joy* searched for clues to prove that her man was cheating. She couldn’t fathom the thought of one man being satisfied with one person. Her actions were an attempt to avoid the disappointment that resulted from a failed relationship between her parents. Yet when her boyfriend finally confessed to cheating, she stayed with him. Her reasons for staying weren’t in hopes that she could work with him through his bouts of infidelity, but for fear of having to share with and learn someone new coupled with the feeling of being unwanted by anyone else.
To overcome fear, one must inherit an attribute of courage. We have a tendency to talk ourselves out of bravery because we fear that of which we’ve yet to experience. Many of us would rather walk blindly in our comfort zone of misery, because it is to what we’re accustomed, than to be exposed to something different and unfamiliar.
Think about how fear has interfered in your relationship(s) and/or how it has hindered the development of one. As mentioned before, no one is immune from possessing a spirit of fear. However, before we can even imagine experiencing the emotion of love with another person, we must learn not to surrender to fear and instead lean on the other “f” word…faith.
“A man without fear is a fool. But, a man that succumbs to his fear is a coward.” –Unknown
Live.Love.Learn...and then repeat!
*Name has been changed to protect the individual's identity.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
The Other Woman: You, Him & Her
Receiving late night phone calls? Having to reschedule your quality time? Working extra hours? These are just some signs that your man could be cheating on you. They are not “for sure” signs, but if you start noticing a consistent pattern, you can pretty much start to put the pieces together. But this topic is not to discuss you, the victim. Let’s flip the script and talk about you, the other woman. You are fully aware of your title and role as the other woman and there’s really nothing you can do to ever change it. This is because the female who holds the number one spot on his list of priorities is not someone that you can confront eye-to-eye. Why not? Because she barely reaches your knee caps! For those of you who were slow catching on, I’m talking about your man’s daughter, the primary object of his affection.
Federal statistics show that 69% of all black children are born to single mothers (and a single mother means somewhere there’s a single father too). This is more than twice the national average. Almost 48% of all black children live without there fathers. I could mention, here, dating outside of your race, but that’s a whole different topic. So, let it marinate and let’s move on.
Most women, 20-something and beyond, have dated one or more men with children. Hell, if you haven’t, you know someone who has. After reading the statistics, that leaves you with two options: date him or don’t. If you don’t, good luck not bumping into one in the future. If you do, there are some things to which you must become accustomed.
My Team and I discussed enforcing the rule that if you’re going to date a man with a child, or children, the child has to be five years or older. This brings me to my first point: the mother of his child. I hate to use the term baby mama, but for the sake of typing it out, we’ll call her ‘BM.’ Our consensus is that if the child is younger than five, there’s a good chance that your man could still be visiting his BM for non child-related matters, if you get my drift. You know how us women can be, she may be bitter that she isn’t involved with him and so she’ll try to hold on to him any way she knows how, and we all know the power of the… And let’s not blame it on a sour relationship. They could remain cordial for the child, but your man can’t differentiate just friends from friends. Whatever the case, if you choose not to abide by the Team Rule (as is the case with one of my friends), or if the child is over five, the BM is in a serious relationship with someone else, etc., allow me to move on to the second point: not being the number one priority.
For me, this would be a real stinger. When a single man and woman are dating with no children between them, there are a lot of things that you don’t take into consideration. Any woman who’s dating a man with a child, who does not have a child of her own, is going to have a hard time playing second string, especially if she hasn’t had to before. You may not want to acknowledge it at first, but you want to be spoiled and given all the attention in a relationship. I think that’s a pretty natural expectation when courting. You may be able to coax him out of hanging with the guys or distract him from watching the game every once-in-a-while, but being a dad is a full-time obligation (or at least it should be), regardless of when he has custody (assuming he doesn’t have full custody).
The point is you’ll never be dating just him. You will always be the other woman. Later on in life, a ready-made family may be something your into. Maybe you love children, but love your figure a little more. In those cases, and some others, the threesome can definitely work. But being 20-something and single, I can’t see that being an option in the near future. Let’s be real, as in my girlfriend’s circumstance, if the guy is someone you’re really feeling and/or because he’s a great and responsible father, the good can outweigh the not-so-good on your list of standards and you’ll learn to adjust. Let's also jump to the other side of the fence and think of it as if you were a single mother. Wouldn’t you expect to find happiness in a man and possibly love even if you came with extra baggage…I mean, a bundle of joy (if the child is bad, I have no suggestions)? Let me move on to my third and final point before offering any advice.
My third point is financial stability/spontaneity. If you’re a 20-something single woman who is financially stable, which at our age means a woman who budgets her money and still has additional funds for entertainment, dining out and other miscellaneous expenses, you’ll be taken aback to know that your man is really pinching his pennies to provide for his child. Would you feel better if you knew he was cutting back to save for a down payment on a house instead of for child support? Let’s be straight up, I would! At 20-something, most of us aren’t making a high income amount (if you are then more power to you), so money may already be tight when dating a man without a child. But a cheap date is only cute for so long. At some point, a woman is going to want to be treated to a really nice, non-combo meal serving restaurant. What about a spontaneous weekend trip? Can he secure a babysitter in time? If he only sees his child on the weekends and you both work unpredictable hours during the week, you’re both screwed because now you’re asking him to choose. You could always make it a family-friendly trip, but do you really want to sacrifice Stella getting her groove back for the Emperor’s New Groove?
My advice to ladies with no children, who live comfortably on their own and think the relationship may get serious down the line:
- Attempt to befriend the BM, or don’t have contact with her at all. Ok, reality check. If you have to come in contact with her, remember two things: he's your man now, but that's their child forever. If you plan to be around for the long haul, your life can be much easier concerning the BM if she's comfortable with you being the other woman in her impressionable child's life. Stay focused on the needs of the child and not any personal and petty grudges with the BM. Your man will appreciate you more for it.
- Embrace the child, but don’t get too attached until you have a ring. There’s no use in playing step mom if there’s no future for you and him. So waiting around for a ring as an excuse to embrace the child is not necessarily smart if you're really clicking with him. Once he feels comfortable enough to introduce you two, you've got somebody new to "impress." Remember, if you don't hit it off with the child, you can't expect to get much further with him. I just suggest holding off on family outings until you're sure about him. Don't let him drop his child off on you in the very beginning. That shows a bad judgement call on his part.
- Keep a personal stash of money and a best friend on speed dial in case plans with your man ever fall through! Not really much else you can do in this situation. Either cancel your plans and sulk (or be the mature adult and help your man) or call on your homegirl. If things aren't too serious between you two, take another male friend. Another Team Rule: never abandon your other options until you become exclusive with someone.
- Lastly, and most importantly, ALWAYS use a form of contraception. If he was willing to take a risk the first time, we can only hope that he’ll be as careful the next. Being labeled as BM #2 is NOT cute. If he could stick and move with BM #1, there’s a possibility he may not stick with you. Remember, these are just my thoughts and those of my Team, if you find a man who rocks your world and has you rocking his baby’s cradle at the same time, then do you!
Live.Love.Learn…(and then repeat)!
-TS&S
Federal statistics show that 69% of all black children are born to single mothers (and a single mother means somewhere there’s a single father too). This is more than twice the national average. Almost 48% of all black children live without there fathers. I could mention, here, dating outside of your race, but that’s a whole different topic. So, let it marinate and let’s move on.
Most women, 20-something and beyond, have dated one or more men with children. Hell, if you haven’t, you know someone who has. After reading the statistics, that leaves you with two options: date him or don’t. If you don’t, good luck not bumping into one in the future. If you do, there are some things to which you must become accustomed.
My Team and I discussed enforcing the rule that if you’re going to date a man with a child, or children, the child has to be five years or older. This brings me to my first point: the mother of his child. I hate to use the term baby mama, but for the sake of typing it out, we’ll call her ‘BM.’ Our consensus is that if the child is younger than five, there’s a good chance that your man could still be visiting his BM for non child-related matters, if you get my drift. You know how us women can be, she may be bitter that she isn’t involved with him and so she’ll try to hold on to him any way she knows how, and we all know the power of the… And let’s not blame it on a sour relationship. They could remain cordial for the child, but your man can’t differentiate just friends from friends. Whatever the case, if you choose not to abide by the Team Rule (as is the case with one of my friends), or if the child is over five, the BM is in a serious relationship with someone else, etc., allow me to move on to the second point: not being the number one priority.
For me, this would be a real stinger. When a single man and woman are dating with no children between them, there are a lot of things that you don’t take into consideration. Any woman who’s dating a man with a child, who does not have a child of her own, is going to have a hard time playing second string, especially if she hasn’t had to before. You may not want to acknowledge it at first, but you want to be spoiled and given all the attention in a relationship. I think that’s a pretty natural expectation when courting. You may be able to coax him out of hanging with the guys or distract him from watching the game every once-in-a-while, but being a dad is a full-time obligation (or at least it should be), regardless of when he has custody (assuming he doesn’t have full custody).
The point is you’ll never be dating just him. You will always be the other woman. Later on in life, a ready-made family may be something your into. Maybe you love children, but love your figure a little more. In those cases, and some others, the threesome can definitely work. But being 20-something and single, I can’t see that being an option in the near future. Let’s be real, as in my girlfriend’s circumstance, if the guy is someone you’re really feeling and/or because he’s a great and responsible father, the good can outweigh the not-so-good on your list of standards and you’ll learn to adjust. Let's also jump to the other side of the fence and think of it as if you were a single mother. Wouldn’t you expect to find happiness in a man and possibly love even if you came with extra baggage…I mean, a bundle of joy (if the child is bad, I have no suggestions)? Let me move on to my third and final point before offering any advice.
My third point is financial stability/spontaneity. If you’re a 20-something single woman who is financially stable, which at our age means a woman who budgets her money and still has additional funds for entertainment, dining out and other miscellaneous expenses, you’ll be taken aback to know that your man is really pinching his pennies to provide for his child. Would you feel better if you knew he was cutting back to save for a down payment on a house instead of for child support? Let’s be straight up, I would! At 20-something, most of us aren’t making a high income amount (if you are then more power to you), so money may already be tight when dating a man without a child. But a cheap date is only cute for so long. At some point, a woman is going to want to be treated to a really nice, non-combo meal serving restaurant. What about a spontaneous weekend trip? Can he secure a babysitter in time? If he only sees his child on the weekends and you both work unpredictable hours during the week, you’re both screwed because now you’re asking him to choose. You could always make it a family-friendly trip, but do you really want to sacrifice Stella getting her groove back for the Emperor’s New Groove?
My advice to ladies with no children, who live comfortably on their own and think the relationship may get serious down the line:
- Attempt to befriend the BM, or don’t have contact with her at all. Ok, reality check. If you have to come in contact with her, remember two things: he's your man now, but that's their child forever. If you plan to be around for the long haul, your life can be much easier concerning the BM if she's comfortable with you being the other woman in her impressionable child's life. Stay focused on the needs of the child and not any personal and petty grudges with the BM. Your man will appreciate you more for it.
- Embrace the child, but don’t get too attached until you have a ring. There’s no use in playing step mom if there’s no future for you and him. So waiting around for a ring as an excuse to embrace the child is not necessarily smart if you're really clicking with him. Once he feels comfortable enough to introduce you two, you've got somebody new to "impress." Remember, if you don't hit it off with the child, you can't expect to get much further with him. I just suggest holding off on family outings until you're sure about him. Don't let him drop his child off on you in the very beginning. That shows a bad judgement call on his part.
- Keep a personal stash of money and a best friend on speed dial in case plans with your man ever fall through! Not really much else you can do in this situation. Either cancel your plans and sulk (or be the mature adult and help your man) or call on your homegirl. If things aren't too serious between you two, take another male friend. Another Team Rule: never abandon your other options until you become exclusive with someone.
- Lastly, and most importantly, ALWAYS use a form of contraception. If he was willing to take a risk the first time, we can only hope that he’ll be as careful the next. Being labeled as BM #2 is NOT cute. If he could stick and move with BM #1, there’s a possibility he may not stick with you. Remember, these are just my thoughts and those of my Team, if you find a man who rocks your world and has you rocking his baby’s cradle at the same time, then do you!
Live.Love.Learn…(and then repeat)!
-TS&S
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