"I don’t go to pieces when a relationship doesn’t work out. I just focus harder on making my more important friendships last longer. I disagree strongly with ending friendships and with keeping people out. Everyone has their own special qualities regardless of what they may believe is right. So, no, I don’t throw people away. I may sometimes put them in a little box too high to reach until I gain the energy and patience to deal with them again."
I recently stumbled upon this quote taken from a fellow twenty-something woman’s adaptation of The Rules, by dating coaches Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. In many instances, I’ve had the same ideals. Whether or not it’s best is the question at hand. You see, I have never had such huge falling outs with any true friends to where the aftermath didn’t allow for us to be, at least, genuinely cordial to one another. I’ve tried very hard not to hold grudges and to allow people to redeem themselves through their actions, in hopes they would give me the same consideration. But more specifically, there are times when the romantic connections, between men and women, well...disconnect and it makes me wonder, after a breakup, can exes be friends?
The first thing to note is that if you and your ex were never really friends to begin with, then you can forget about trying to forge a friendship now. Listen to me; there's a big chance it ain’t gonna happen, especially if the break wasn’t a joint agreement. A relationship correspondent for AskMen.com believes that, “…relationships rarely see mutual breakups. But the person who does the breaking up feels like less of a bad guy by offering that sense of truce: "It's not you, it's me. We'll still be friends, right?" This peace offering of friendship provides the dumper with the solace of knowing they aren't such a horrible person because they still want to be friends with their ex.” And, if you read, It’s Called a Breakup Because it’s Broken, you remember that the authors also interpret this tactic to be simply a rhetorical expression for the personal benefit of the dumper and not a literal means to spare the dumped.
Let’s walk through one of my analogies for a moment. We’re in a recession. As a result, people are losing their jobs and therefore can’t pay their bills, their mortgage. The prices of homes are going down, but people in the market to buy may still struggle with affording the down payment. It seems to be a lose/lose situation, resulting in a lot of empty homes. Conversely, women have been experiencing a male recession for quite some time.
The Housing Market
Doing my best to paraphrase, a good friend* recently said that there are many homes on the market, but no matter what the purchasing incentives are, if a man cannot or is not willing to make the down payment to solidify that he is serious about owning the home, he simply cannot be pressured into buying. To that I reminded him about the first time homebuyers’ programs, which most times waive the down payment and closing costs. But I caught myself. Those people typically have “good credit.” There are always exceptions, but trying to rent-to-own a “friendship” with an ex with the hope that he’ll one day buy into your idea of a relationship is not the way to go. If however, you’ve established “good credit” along the way, there may be an opportunity to, at least, remain friends.
With one of my exes, it was obvious that after only a few months as a couple, we weren’t as compatible as we were attracted to one another. There were no hard feelings and we, sporadically, keep in touch. And although our current terms are harmless, when asked by his wife, he denied that we were ever anything more than friends, because of her being opposed to any communication whatsoever. So on that note, comes my first of two examples:
O.P.P. (Other Potential Property)
Yes, I absolutely believe it is possible for men and women to be friends if the guidelines are set in the beginning. If both exes are clear that there is no chance to rekindle what was, then the two can possibly pull off a friendship, but the likelihood is well, unlikely. Additionally, if either person formerly involved in the relationship, currently has a significant other, seldom is any type of relationship with an ex appropriate because of the chance that someone will be insecure with the state of affairs (for lack of a better phrase).
The situation between me and another ex is a little different. To my knowledge, neither of us is actively engaged in a relationship. However, that doesn’t automatically signify friendship being in the cards. I think we can both agree to having had a very unique relationship, so for it to conclude when it did, the way it did came unexpectedly. This leads to my next example:
Buying For(e)closure
If one or both parties are still looking for closure from the way the relationship ended, the prospect of moving on as just friends can be unrealistic as well. Keep in mind: foreclosed homes come “as is.” They were lived in and when you purchase it, you’ll have to clean up the mess from the prior owner. If the previous owner couldn’t keep up with the mortgage, they most likely couldn’t keep up with repairs. You could potentially be looking at a total rehabilitation project that most aren’t willing to undertake. If the foundation isn’t strong, making renovations is pointless.
It truly depends on the state of the relationship while it was in play and how it ended. The best way to determine if you can maintain a friendship with an ex is to measure the dynamic, both romantic and platonic, the storms it weathered and if, after the storm, the foundation stayed intact. Whatever you do, don’t force it. Remember: reason, season, lifetime. And next time a potential relationship presents itself, make it a point to build a friendship first.
Good luck! Live.Love.Learn...and then repeat!
Not working out?
Song For Thought: We Can’t Be Friends, Deborah Cox & R.L.
Want to start your next relationship on a friendly turf?
Song for thought: "Step Further," Sol Edler (3rd song on playlist)
Showing posts with label single women. Show all posts
Showing posts with label single women. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
The Other Woman: You, Him & Her
Receiving late night phone calls? Having to reschedule your quality time? Working extra hours? These are just some signs that your man could be cheating on you. They are not “for sure” signs, but if you start noticing a consistent pattern, you can pretty much start to put the pieces together. But this topic is not to discuss you, the victim. Let’s flip the script and talk about you, the other woman. You are fully aware of your title and role as the other woman and there’s really nothing you can do to ever change it. This is because the female who holds the number one spot on his list of priorities is not someone that you can confront eye-to-eye. Why not? Because she barely reaches your knee caps! For those of you who were slow catching on, I’m talking about your man’s daughter, the primary object of his affection.
Federal statistics show that 69% of all black children are born to single mothers (and a single mother means somewhere there’s a single father too). This is more than twice the national average. Almost 48% of all black children live without there fathers. I could mention, here, dating outside of your race, but that’s a whole different topic. So, let it marinate and let’s move on.
Most women, 20-something and beyond, have dated one or more men with children. Hell, if you haven’t, you know someone who has. After reading the statistics, that leaves you with two options: date him or don’t. If you don’t, good luck not bumping into one in the future. If you do, there are some things to which you must become accustomed.
My Team and I discussed enforcing the rule that if you’re going to date a man with a child, or children, the child has to be five years or older. This brings me to my first point: the mother of his child. I hate to use the term baby mama, but for the sake of typing it out, we’ll call her ‘BM.’ Our consensus is that if the child is younger than five, there’s a good chance that your man could still be visiting his BM for non child-related matters, if you get my drift. You know how us women can be, she may be bitter that she isn’t involved with him and so she’ll try to hold on to him any way she knows how, and we all know the power of the… And let’s not blame it on a sour relationship. They could remain cordial for the child, but your man can’t differentiate just friends from friends. Whatever the case, if you choose not to abide by the Team Rule (as is the case with one of my friends), or if the child is over five, the BM is in a serious relationship with someone else, etc., allow me to move on to the second point: not being the number one priority.
For me, this would be a real stinger. When a single man and woman are dating with no children between them, there are a lot of things that you don’t take into consideration. Any woman who’s dating a man with a child, who does not have a child of her own, is going to have a hard time playing second string, especially if she hasn’t had to before. You may not want to acknowledge it at first, but you want to be spoiled and given all the attention in a relationship. I think that’s a pretty natural expectation when courting. You may be able to coax him out of hanging with the guys or distract him from watching the game every once-in-a-while, but being a dad is a full-time obligation (or at least it should be), regardless of when he has custody (assuming he doesn’t have full custody).
The point is you’ll never be dating just him. You will always be the other woman. Later on in life, a ready-made family may be something your into. Maybe you love children, but love your figure a little more. In those cases, and some others, the threesome can definitely work. But being 20-something and single, I can’t see that being an option in the near future. Let’s be real, as in my girlfriend’s circumstance, if the guy is someone you’re really feeling and/or because he’s a great and responsible father, the good can outweigh the not-so-good on your list of standards and you’ll learn to adjust. Let's also jump to the other side of the fence and think of it as if you were a single mother. Wouldn’t you expect to find happiness in a man and possibly love even if you came with extra baggage…I mean, a bundle of joy (if the child is bad, I have no suggestions)? Let me move on to my third and final point before offering any advice.
My third point is financial stability/spontaneity. If you’re a 20-something single woman who is financially stable, which at our age means a woman who budgets her money and still has additional funds for entertainment, dining out and other miscellaneous expenses, you’ll be taken aback to know that your man is really pinching his pennies to provide for his child. Would you feel better if you knew he was cutting back to save for a down payment on a house instead of for child support? Let’s be straight up, I would! At 20-something, most of us aren’t making a high income amount (if you are then more power to you), so money may already be tight when dating a man without a child. But a cheap date is only cute for so long. At some point, a woman is going to want to be treated to a really nice, non-combo meal serving restaurant. What about a spontaneous weekend trip? Can he secure a babysitter in time? If he only sees his child on the weekends and you both work unpredictable hours during the week, you’re both screwed because now you’re asking him to choose. You could always make it a family-friendly trip, but do you really want to sacrifice Stella getting her groove back for the Emperor’s New Groove?
My advice to ladies with no children, who live comfortably on their own and think the relationship may get serious down the line:
- Attempt to befriend the BM, or don’t have contact with her at all. Ok, reality check. If you have to come in contact with her, remember two things: he's your man now, but that's their child forever. If you plan to be around for the long haul, your life can be much easier concerning the BM if she's comfortable with you being the other woman in her impressionable child's life. Stay focused on the needs of the child and not any personal and petty grudges with the BM. Your man will appreciate you more for it.
- Embrace the child, but don’t get too attached until you have a ring. There’s no use in playing step mom if there’s no future for you and him. So waiting around for a ring as an excuse to embrace the child is not necessarily smart if you're really clicking with him. Once he feels comfortable enough to introduce you two, you've got somebody new to "impress." Remember, if you don't hit it off with the child, you can't expect to get much further with him. I just suggest holding off on family outings until you're sure about him. Don't let him drop his child off on you in the very beginning. That shows a bad judgement call on his part.
- Keep a personal stash of money and a best friend on speed dial in case plans with your man ever fall through! Not really much else you can do in this situation. Either cancel your plans and sulk (or be the mature adult and help your man) or call on your homegirl. If things aren't too serious between you two, take another male friend. Another Team Rule: never abandon your other options until you become exclusive with someone.
- Lastly, and most importantly, ALWAYS use a form of contraception. If he was willing to take a risk the first time, we can only hope that he’ll be as careful the next. Being labeled as BM #2 is NOT cute. If he could stick and move with BM #1, there’s a possibility he may not stick with you. Remember, these are just my thoughts and those of my Team, if you find a man who rocks your world and has you rocking his baby’s cradle at the same time, then do you!
Live.Love.Learn…(and then repeat)!
-TS&S
Federal statistics show that 69% of all black children are born to single mothers (and a single mother means somewhere there’s a single father too). This is more than twice the national average. Almost 48% of all black children live without there fathers. I could mention, here, dating outside of your race, but that’s a whole different topic. So, let it marinate and let’s move on.
Most women, 20-something and beyond, have dated one or more men with children. Hell, if you haven’t, you know someone who has. After reading the statistics, that leaves you with two options: date him or don’t. If you don’t, good luck not bumping into one in the future. If you do, there are some things to which you must become accustomed.
My Team and I discussed enforcing the rule that if you’re going to date a man with a child, or children, the child has to be five years or older. This brings me to my first point: the mother of his child. I hate to use the term baby mama, but for the sake of typing it out, we’ll call her ‘BM.’ Our consensus is that if the child is younger than five, there’s a good chance that your man could still be visiting his BM for non child-related matters, if you get my drift. You know how us women can be, she may be bitter that she isn’t involved with him and so she’ll try to hold on to him any way she knows how, and we all know the power of the… And let’s not blame it on a sour relationship. They could remain cordial for the child, but your man can’t differentiate just friends from friends. Whatever the case, if you choose not to abide by the Team Rule (as is the case with one of my friends), or if the child is over five, the BM is in a serious relationship with someone else, etc., allow me to move on to the second point: not being the number one priority.
For me, this would be a real stinger. When a single man and woman are dating with no children between them, there are a lot of things that you don’t take into consideration. Any woman who’s dating a man with a child, who does not have a child of her own, is going to have a hard time playing second string, especially if she hasn’t had to before. You may not want to acknowledge it at first, but you want to be spoiled and given all the attention in a relationship. I think that’s a pretty natural expectation when courting. You may be able to coax him out of hanging with the guys or distract him from watching the game every once-in-a-while, but being a dad is a full-time obligation (or at least it should be), regardless of when he has custody (assuming he doesn’t have full custody).
The point is you’ll never be dating just him. You will always be the other woman. Later on in life, a ready-made family may be something your into. Maybe you love children, but love your figure a little more. In those cases, and some others, the threesome can definitely work. But being 20-something and single, I can’t see that being an option in the near future. Let’s be real, as in my girlfriend’s circumstance, if the guy is someone you’re really feeling and/or because he’s a great and responsible father, the good can outweigh the not-so-good on your list of standards and you’ll learn to adjust. Let's also jump to the other side of the fence and think of it as if you were a single mother. Wouldn’t you expect to find happiness in a man and possibly love even if you came with extra baggage…I mean, a bundle of joy (if the child is bad, I have no suggestions)? Let me move on to my third and final point before offering any advice.
My third point is financial stability/spontaneity. If you’re a 20-something single woman who is financially stable, which at our age means a woman who budgets her money and still has additional funds for entertainment, dining out and other miscellaneous expenses, you’ll be taken aback to know that your man is really pinching his pennies to provide for his child. Would you feel better if you knew he was cutting back to save for a down payment on a house instead of for child support? Let’s be straight up, I would! At 20-something, most of us aren’t making a high income amount (if you are then more power to you), so money may already be tight when dating a man without a child. But a cheap date is only cute for so long. At some point, a woman is going to want to be treated to a really nice, non-combo meal serving restaurant. What about a spontaneous weekend trip? Can he secure a babysitter in time? If he only sees his child on the weekends and you both work unpredictable hours during the week, you’re both screwed because now you’re asking him to choose. You could always make it a family-friendly trip, but do you really want to sacrifice Stella getting her groove back for the Emperor’s New Groove?
My advice to ladies with no children, who live comfortably on their own and think the relationship may get serious down the line:
- Attempt to befriend the BM, or don’t have contact with her at all. Ok, reality check. If you have to come in contact with her, remember two things: he's your man now, but that's their child forever. If you plan to be around for the long haul, your life can be much easier concerning the BM if she's comfortable with you being the other woman in her impressionable child's life. Stay focused on the needs of the child and not any personal and petty grudges with the BM. Your man will appreciate you more for it.
- Embrace the child, but don’t get too attached until you have a ring. There’s no use in playing step mom if there’s no future for you and him. So waiting around for a ring as an excuse to embrace the child is not necessarily smart if you're really clicking with him. Once he feels comfortable enough to introduce you two, you've got somebody new to "impress." Remember, if you don't hit it off with the child, you can't expect to get much further with him. I just suggest holding off on family outings until you're sure about him. Don't let him drop his child off on you in the very beginning. That shows a bad judgement call on his part.
- Keep a personal stash of money and a best friend on speed dial in case plans with your man ever fall through! Not really much else you can do in this situation. Either cancel your plans and sulk (or be the mature adult and help your man) or call on your homegirl. If things aren't too serious between you two, take another male friend. Another Team Rule: never abandon your other options until you become exclusive with someone.
- Lastly, and most importantly, ALWAYS use a form of contraception. If he was willing to take a risk the first time, we can only hope that he’ll be as careful the next. Being labeled as BM #2 is NOT cute. If he could stick and move with BM #1, there’s a possibility he may not stick with you. Remember, these are just my thoughts and those of my Team, if you find a man who rocks your world and has you rocking his baby’s cradle at the same time, then do you!
Live.Love.Learn…(and then repeat)!
-TS&S
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)