But You Say S/He’s Just a Friend: Part I

I once came across an intriguing Facebook status that stated, “As a rule, men and women CANNOT be (platonic) friends... so if you meet someone who has friends of the opposite sex, they’re either lying, naïve, or they have secrets...in any case, RUN!”

While I typically try to avoid commenting on Facebook statuses (read: I loathe the constant notifications when people comment after me, yet am too lazy to log on and change my settings), I found this one to be response worthy merely because I‘d just debated this controversial topic with two different men in the same week. Their claim is always the same: men and women can’t be friends without a romantic relationship ensuing. But having a great deal of male friends myself, I strongly disagree. I went to seek the definition of the word platonic and found its meaning is where the debate begins.

According to MSN Encarta, platonic is defined as:

1. not involving sexual relations: involving friendship, affection, or love without sexual relations between people who might be expected to be sexually attracted to each other

2. perfect but unreal: perfect in form or conception but not found in reality

I’d like to point out two things from the abovementioned definitions. Firstly, platonic means to involve affection, but abstain from sexual relations. Secondly, note the contradiction and negative connotation the subsequent definition carries. With such an influenced depiction of the word, why wouldn’t there be any skepticism of its likelihood? Two attractive people can be friends without being attracted to one another. Can’t they? And if one party is attracted to the other, the friendship is still salvageable as long as they stay within the companionable boundaries of friendship. Right? Well…maybe in a perfect world.

I believe the real threat on a platonic friendship between men and women is not due to the chance of romantic involvement. Instead, as made apparent in the first definition, what compromises the relationship more than anything is the speculation and insinuation of third parties – those “who might expect” the two friends to eventually become more. Is it fair of them to project their experiences of failed platonic relationships on friends who have not crossed the line? Not at all. Does it happen anyway? All the time.

A platonic friendship can be especially difficult to defend when adding a significant other to the already seemingly-skewed equation. A happily married male friend of mine shared with me that men and women can have a successful friendship, “if the significant other is secure in knowing that a friend of the opposite sex probably knows their mate better than they do.” Imagine that. Understandably, that can be a tough pill to swallow. But looking at the glass half full, a significant other may benefit from their mate having a confidant of the opposite sex.

One young woman once told me that friends of the opposite sex are translators. What a novel concept! It has already been proven to be true. There is no other reason for why male “relationship experts” are publishing best-sellers due to the majority female consumers that buy them. It’s not like any information they’re sharing is brand new. Alternatively, women are more receptive to a man giving them relationship advice than a woman. And while men may not always admit it, they’ve also found themselves more likely to identify with the opposite sex when situations are given impartial insight by a female friend detached from the situation.

Truthfully speaking, the male/female friendships that haven't transcended their platonic nature are probably attributed to an unreciprocated attraction by one of the friends. Nevertheless, if you meet someone who has friends of the opposite sex, don't rule out the chance that they're probably determined enough to refrain from crossing the line or there was a mutual agreement that a friendship could be kept intact even after a romantic attempt failed. Don’t be naïve, however. It’s clear. Some people have a skewed view of platonic relationships and those people tend take what they can get by settling for "friendship." Note the quotations. These are the types of acquaintances that can be hazardous to romantic relationships. Beware: having a genuine friendship with someone of the opposite sex requires a level of maturity that not many people have mastered. Again, I have a lot of male friends. It doesn’t mean I haven’t been tried by some of them, it just means I didn’t take the bait.

Live.Love.Learn…and repeat!

Song for thought: “Buddy,” by Musiq

X.Oh, Ex.O*

"I don’t go to pieces when a relationship doesn’t work out. I just focus harder on making my more important friendships last longer. I disagree strongly with ending friendships and with keeping people out. Everyone has their own special qualities regardless of what they may believe is right. So, no, I don’t throw people away. I may sometimes put them in a little box too high to reach until I gain the energy and patience to deal with them again."

I recently stumbled upon this quote taken from a fellow twenty-something woman’s adaptation of The Rules, by dating coaches Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. In many instances, I’ve had the same ideals. Whether or not it’s best is the question at hand. You see, I have never had such huge falling outs with any true friends to where the aftermath didn’t allow for us to be, at least, genuinely cordial to one another. I’ve tried very hard not to hold grudges and to allow people to redeem themselves through their actions, in hopes they would give me the same consideration. But more specifically, there are times when the romantic connections, between men and women, well...disconnect and it makes me wonder, after a breakup, can exes be friends?

The first thing to note is that if you and your ex were never really friends to begin with, then you can forget about trying to forge a friendship now. Listen to me; there's a big chance it ain’t gonna happen, especially if the break wasn’t a joint agreement. A relationship correspondent for AskMen.com believes that, “…relationships rarely see mutual breakups. But the person who does the breaking up feels like less of a bad guy by offering that sense of truce: "It's not you, it's me. We'll still be friends, right?" This peace offering of friendship provides the dumper with the solace of knowing they aren't such a horrible person because they still want to be friends with their ex.” And, if you read, It’s Called a Breakup Because it’s Broken, you remember that the authors also interpret this tactic to be simply a rhetorical expression for the personal benefit of the dumper and not a literal means to spare the dumped.

Let’s walk through one of my analogies for a moment. We’re in a recession. As a result, people are losing their jobs and therefore can’t pay their bills, their mortgage. The prices of homes are going down, but people in the market to buy may still struggle with affording the down payment. It seems to be a lose/lose situation, resulting in a lot of empty homes. Conversely, women have been experiencing a male recession for quite some time.

The Housing Market
Doing my best to paraphrase, a good friend* recently said that there are many homes on the market, but no matter what the purchasing incentives are, if a man cannot or is not willing to make the down payment to solidify that he is serious about owning the home, he simply cannot be pressured into buying. To that I reminded him about the first time homebuyers’ programs, which most times waive the down payment and closing costs. But I caught myself. Those people typically have “good credit.” There are always exceptions, but trying to rent-to-own a “friendship” with an ex with the hope that he’ll one day buy into your idea of a relationship is not the way to go. If however, you’ve established “good credit” along the way, there may be an opportunity to, at least, remain friends.

With one of my exes, it was obvious that after only a few months as a couple, we weren’t as compatible as we were attracted to one another. There were no hard feelings and we, sporadically, keep in touch. And although our current terms are harmless, when asked by his wife, he denied that we were ever anything more than friends, because of her being opposed to any communication whatsoever. So on that note, comes my first of two examples:

O.P.P. (Other Potential Property)
Yes, I absolutely believe it is possible for men and women to be friends if the guidelines are set in the beginning. If both exes are clear that there is no chance to rekindle what was, then the two can possibly pull off a friendship, but the likelihood is well, unlikely. Additionally, if either person formerly involved in the relationship, currently has a significant other, seldom is any type of relationship with an ex appropriate because of the chance that someone will be insecure with the state of affairs (for lack of a better phrase).

The situation between me and another ex is a little different. To my knowledge, neither of us is actively engaged in a relationship. However, that doesn’t automatically signify friendship being in the cards. I think we can both agree to having had a very unique relationship, so for it to conclude when it did, the way it did came unexpectedly. This leads to my next example:

Buying For(e)closure
If one or both parties are still looking for closure from the way the relationship ended, the prospect of moving on as just friends can be unrealistic as well. Keep in mind: foreclosed homes come “as is.” They were lived in and when you purchase it, you’ll have to clean up the mess from the prior owner. If the previous owner couldn’t keep up with the mortgage, they most likely couldn’t keep up with repairs. You could potentially be looking at a total rehabilitation project that most aren’t willing to undertake. If the foundation isn’t strong, making renovations is pointless.

It truly depends on the state of the relationship while it was in play and how it ended. The best way to determine if you can maintain a friendship with an ex is to measure the dynamic, both romantic and platonic, the storms it weathered and if, after the storm, the foundation stayed intact. Whatever you do, don’t force it. Remember: reason, season, lifetime. And next time a potential relationship presents itself, make it a point to build a friendship first.

Good luck! Live.Love.Learn...and then repeat!

Not working out?
Song For Thought: We Can’t Be Friends, Deborah Cox & R.L.


Want to start your next relationship on a friendly turf?
Song for thought: "Step Further," Sol Edler (3rd song on playlist)