X.Oh, Ex.O*

"I don’t go to pieces when a relationship doesn’t work out. I just focus harder on making my more important friendships last longer. I disagree strongly with ending friendships and with keeping people out. Everyone has their own special qualities regardless of what they may believe is right. So, no, I don’t throw people away. I may sometimes put them in a little box too high to reach until I gain the energy and patience to deal with them again."

I recently stumbled upon this quote taken from a fellow twenty-something woman’s adaptation of The Rules, by dating coaches Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. In many instances, I’ve had the same ideals. Whether or not it’s best is the question at hand. You see, I have never had such huge falling outs with any true friends to where the aftermath didn’t allow for us to be, at least, genuinely cordial to one another. I’ve tried very hard not to hold grudges and to allow people to redeem themselves through their actions, in hopes they would give me the same consideration. But more specifically, there are times when the romantic connections, between men and women, well...disconnect and it makes me wonder, after a breakup, can exes be friends?

The first thing to note is that if you and your ex were never really friends to begin with, then you can forget about trying to forge a friendship now. Listen to me; there's a big chance it ain’t gonna happen, especially if the break wasn’t a joint agreement. A relationship correspondent for AskMen.com believes that, “…relationships rarely see mutual breakups. But the person who does the breaking up feels like less of a bad guy by offering that sense of truce: "It's not you, it's me. We'll still be friends, right?" This peace offering of friendship provides the dumper with the solace of knowing they aren't such a horrible person because they still want to be friends with their ex.” And, if you read, It’s Called a Breakup Because it’s Broken, you remember that the authors also interpret this tactic to be simply a rhetorical expression for the personal benefit of the dumper and not a literal means to spare the dumped.

Let’s walk through one of my analogies for a moment. We’re in a recession. As a result, people are losing their jobs and therefore can’t pay their bills, their mortgage. The prices of homes are going down, but people in the market to buy may still struggle with affording the down payment. It seems to be a lose/lose situation, resulting in a lot of empty homes. Conversely, women have been experiencing a male recession for quite some time.

The Housing Market
Doing my best to paraphrase, a good friend* recently said that there are many homes on the market, but no matter what the purchasing incentives are, if a man cannot or is not willing to make the down payment to solidify that he is serious about owning the home, he simply cannot be pressured into buying. To that I reminded him about the first time homebuyers’ programs, which most times waive the down payment and closing costs. But I caught myself. Those people typically have “good credit.” There are always exceptions, but trying to rent-to-own a “friendship” with an ex with the hope that he’ll one day buy into your idea of a relationship is not the way to go. If however, you’ve established “good credit” along the way, there may be an opportunity to, at least, remain friends.

With one of my exes, it was obvious that after only a few months as a couple, we weren’t as compatible as we were attracted to one another. There were no hard feelings and we, sporadically, keep in touch. And although our current terms are harmless, when asked by his wife, he denied that we were ever anything more than friends, because of her being opposed to any communication whatsoever. So on that note, comes my first of two examples:

O.P.P. (Other Potential Property)
Yes, I absolutely believe it is possible for men and women to be friends if the guidelines are set in the beginning. If both exes are clear that there is no chance to rekindle what was, then the two can possibly pull off a friendship, but the likelihood is well, unlikely. Additionally, if either person formerly involved in the relationship, currently has a significant other, seldom is any type of relationship with an ex appropriate because of the chance that someone will be insecure with the state of affairs (for lack of a better phrase).

The situation between me and another ex is a little different. To my knowledge, neither of us is actively engaged in a relationship. However, that doesn’t automatically signify friendship being in the cards. I think we can both agree to having had a very unique relationship, so for it to conclude when it did, the way it did came unexpectedly. This leads to my next example:

Buying For(e)closure
If one or both parties are still looking for closure from the way the relationship ended, the prospect of moving on as just friends can be unrealistic as well. Keep in mind: foreclosed homes come “as is.” They were lived in and when you purchase it, you’ll have to clean up the mess from the prior owner. If the previous owner couldn’t keep up with the mortgage, they most likely couldn’t keep up with repairs. You could potentially be looking at a total rehabilitation project that most aren’t willing to undertake. If the foundation isn’t strong, making renovations is pointless.

It truly depends on the state of the relationship while it was in play and how it ended. The best way to determine if you can maintain a friendship with an ex is to measure the dynamic, both romantic and platonic, the storms it weathered and if, after the storm, the foundation stayed intact. Whatever you do, don’t force it. Remember: reason, season, lifetime. And next time a potential relationship presents itself, make it a point to build a friendship first.

Good luck! Live.Love.Learn...and then repeat!

Not working out?
Song For Thought: We Can’t Be Friends, Deborah Cox & R.L.


Want to start your next relationship on a friendly turf?
Song for thought: "Step Further," Sol Edler (3rd song on playlist)

Dear Ms. Wright

Dear Ms. Wright,

I live with my boyfriend and although I love him, right now, I don’t like him. He lacks the common sense that I believe is necessary in a relationship and I find myself taking my frustration out on him. Sometimes I feel like I’m not cut out for a relationship. Every time I think I need to leave and just cut my ties, he will turn around and do or say something that will make me realize I can’t just give up and quit. He will do something that will wake me up to realize it is not going to be easy, I may not have what my parents had right away and that it will take time and effort. He’s a good guy, just last week he cooked dinner with candles and wine. But most times, I get bored and there are things that I want to do in life that a relationship may hinder. I feel like I’m the guy in the relationship. I think any normal female has it in her nature to give to others first and take care of herself last, but I’m the opposite. I don’t know what to do, if I should leave or go.

Lost in Love, age 24.

Dear Lost in Love,

Two things to which I have to bring immediate attention: A guy once quoted me a phrase that stuck, “To expect more than will ever come always brings disappointment.” Unfortunately, we can't expect a lot from men...hell, from anyone. What one may consider common sense, another may consider rocket science. Common sense can’t be taught, it is something you either have or you don't. Don’t expect him to know what you want from him, communicate it. Secondly, you implied that because he cooks nice meals for you, and the like, and because you aren’t as emotionally invested, that you are the “guy” in the relationship. We have to get out of the habit of assigning certain roles for men and women in relationships, myself included. Be careful of what you say as not to degrade the worth and work of some women or take away credit due to some men.

It sounds like the two of you are viewing the relationship with two different perspectives, but don’t worry, this tends to be very common. Most times, couples are quick to declare being on the same page with their mate, yet in fact, they’re on the same page in two totally different books, ya dig? If you want to be with him, it’s going to take a compromise. Since you’ve made the conscious decision to no longer be single, it’s time to start considering his wants and needs. If you don’t think you can do that, then love him enough to leave him alone. There are plenty of women out there that complain about not being able to find the man that you now have at home.

Before considering his, are you clear on your own wants and needs? My suggestion is that you both write out a list of life goals. I know you live together, but find some time to be alone and write one list of aspirations for the year and then a five-year plan. When you’ve both completed your lists, sit down together and compare. Yes, this sounds corny and typical, but trust me, it can work. Be sure that you’re making a personal list and writing down goals for you, as an individual. As you read over each goal, see how the other person can help or hinder you from obtaining it and make take mental notes. Make another list that encompasses what you want and need from a relationship. Post the lists on the refrigerator or on the bathroom mirror, a place where you both can refer to them often. Check things off as you accomplish them. For every goal you reach with his help, celebrate together and measure how much of a complement he is to your life versus a detriment.

You’re right in saying that most women are naturally givers and nurturers, but at this point in your life, it’s okay to be selfish. It's hard for some to fathom, but it's absolutely necessary, especially at our age. We're young. We can't possibly help others if we have yet to help ourselves. Now is the time to take care of and establish ourselves as individuals before we are placed in situations where it is our sole responsibility to help others, like marriage and parenthood. Remember, being selfish doesn't equate to being a bitch. So if it helps, instead of using the word selfish, let’s substitute it for sufficient. I have a friend who once said, “If you don't have anything to bring to the table don't even ask to be seated.” It’s perfectly fine to feel that loving you means more to you than loving him. But if that is the case, don’t waste any more of his or your time.

Good luck and remember to live, love, learn…and then repeat!