It's Not Me, It's You

After watching the Nightline segment on why successful black women can’t find men, I found it difficult to digest what was said. As a twenty-something single woman, about one-half of my black girlfriends are in committed relationships (with black men), one-third of which are engaged or married. I think the segment left women as confused as they were before it aired. After speaking with friends, a few questions surfaced:

1. Why aren’t we rephrasing the question to ask why men can’t find successful black women?

It has been stated that there are 1.8 million more black women than black men. If the ratio of eligible black men to women is so disproportionate, then why has it been so difficult for a man to find a woman? Women have taken on this problem as their own, without stopping to realize there is another person involved in the equation. The real answer lies in why the 54% of eligible black men aren’t finding black women, and if they are, aren’t marrying them. Are their standards too high? Are they overwhelmed with options? Are they commitment-phobes? None of these questions can be answered or determined because of something women do or don’t do. Meaning, it is not in our control, therefore, we shouldn’t be concerned with how to fix it. Talk about a power struggle.

2. How has this been pinpointed as a problem for black women and not all women?

While statistics show that 42% of black women have never been married, which is double the number of white women, it is important to remember that black women aren’t the only women suffering from the shortage of “eligible” bachelors. That is proven with the creation of so many reality shows focused on finding love. In the last ten years, network television has aired more than 39 relationship reality shows. In the history of The Bachelor, which first aired in 2002, the star of the show has always been a white male searching for love. With the exception of a few minorities, who never make it past the fourth episode, the overwhelming majority of bachelorettes are white. This season, more than 20,000 women auditioned for the show. This program is an example of how white women are just as perplexed at the inability to find a partner.

3. Why are we making the term “successful” synonymous with the type of career or how much money one makes?

It’s clear that success is defined as two different ideals among men and women. A male friend once said that most women base their success on accomplishments, while most men base their success on their ability to attract women. Whether or not this statement is completely accurate is left to the individual to decide. However, I can’t find it being too far from the truth. Instead, we should deem it successful that a man has no kids, no diseases and actually prefers women. As a remedy for this disconnect, the male panelists on Nightline suggest women identify success before it comes into fruition. By dating men who exhibit potential in becoming the successful man of their dreams, panelists say women will be more likely to find the man they seek. Speaking from experience, I’ve dated a lot of men with potential. The problem was I saw more potential than they did in themselves. A woman can have all the hope and support in the world for her man, but in order for things to happen, he's got to be the one to tap into those aspirations. I would suggest investing in a man that supplements what you lack, not complements what you can bring to the table. That way, you both learn and grow from each other.

Be open-minded and expect the best. With that attitude, you are bound to attract the man you seek. Live.Love.Learn...and repeat!

Excuses are Tools...

About two months ago I went through a “break up,” for lack of a better phrase. If you’ve been following uLive.uLove.uLearn for a while, you may have noticed a few posts regarding a relationship in which I dated, phased out, re-dated and fell in love with this guy I used to know. Well, the title of the blog isn’t specifically ordered live, love, learn for no reason. As you live your life, you will find love or have it find you and, whether or not it lasts four months or forever, you most certainly should learn from the experience.

I had no intention of even writing about the way it ended or why because, long in short, our time together was our time together and I've previously stated my theories on "reason, season, lifetime." But, in truth, it took me a long time to accept that reality. All along I “didn't want to hear” what he “didn't want to tell” me, especially when I’d previously defended the relationship and the emotions that came of it, to myself and others. But while engaging in conversation with other women about their experiences, I noticed a common, unhealthy pattern and it’s time for this to stop. Ladies, if you remember nothing else I ever write, remember this: STOP making excuses for men (and for your actions concerning them)! Seriously, it just makes you look stupid…bottom line. Stupidity can come in the form of, but is not limited to, the following phrases:

-“He’s young and doesn’t know what he wants.” (Do tell the appropriate age at which wisdom kicks in.)

-“He has trust issues/he’s been hurt in the past.” (Join the club!)

-“They didn’t officially break up because he didn’t want to hurt her feelings.” (What about yours?)

-“He thought a relationship would distract him from reaching his life goals.” (“I’m a movement by myself, but…”)

-“He has potential/good intentions.” (“The road to hell is paved with…”)

-“Technically, we weren’t together so it’s not really considered cheating.” (Define cheating. I’ll wait…)

-“But he loves me.” (My personal favorite.)

-“She’s not even cute!” (Since when does “it” have a face?)

Of course, there’s more, but you know what constitutes an excuse (to make apology for or to try to remove blame from) and how dumb you sound when you attempt to rationalize it, so the aforementioned should suffice. And please don’t give me that know-it-all response of, “It’s a legitimate reason,” because a reason (a statement offered in explanation or justification) for giving you anything less than you deserve is a terrible excuse just the same. Don't get me wrong, there are exceptions, but excuses and exceptions are two different things! I’m not angry with you, I am you; always willing to constantly give someone the benefit of the doubt even when they’ve repeatedly disappointed you. Save yourself the time and heartache and listen to his nonverbal way of saying, “I’m not the one.” Trust me on this, it will hurt more to ignore the obvious than to accept it for what it is and move on.

It’s very easy to justify actions or inactions because we are in love. I’m a huge advocate for love and loving hard, but we have got to do so with our head and heart alike. Love, or the prospect of it, can weaken the heart and mess with the mind of even the strongest people, which is why when one is badly affected; the other must take over in its place. Love is, by far, the most addicting drug of all and once diagnosed, there’s not a prescription you can think of to cure it or a vaccine to prevent it.

If you’ve followed the 2008 presidential campaign (Gooobama!), you might recall the candidates referring to Einstein’s definition of insanity (doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results). Well, my darlings, you must be out of your minds to think that he will stop doing something that you’ve continued to allow him to do. Here’s one other thing to remember: women set the tone in any relationship and men have two options: rock with it or roll out!

Comedian and radio host, Steve Harvey said it best in a response to one of his daily “Strawberry Letter” entries. Doing my best to paraphrase, he said that if a woman enters a relationship with no standards and requirements set in place (specifically on how she is to be treated), the man will have free reign to do what he wants. He also made it very clear that a woman is wasting her time to think she can change any man. Therefore, she can’t hit the rewind button once she feels disrespected and then try to enforce those standards and requirements. At that point, it is most likely too late for him. Conversely, if she is upfront and clear about her standards & requirements, he will make the conscious decision to step up to the plate or not.

Keep making excuses if you want to, but that is the “bare-naked truth” from a man. “Excuses are tools of the incompetent…,” so if you consider your relationship to be useless, hopeless and inept, keep on building those monuments, girls!

Live, Love, Learn and repeat!