The purpose of this column is to voice the experiences/dilemmas/opinions of the 20-something "single" (meaning unmarried) female as she relates to dating and relationships. Let's be real, in this day and age, 30 and 40-something single females aren't the only ones facing the pressures associated with relationships, or more specifically, the lack thereof.
In the 20-something scheme of things, I’m in the “early twenties” range so yes, I’m still a “baby.” But I bet this “baby” has experienced the same things that older women have. Why? Because the cycle perpetuates itself. Between myself and a host of girlfriends, which I will refer to as my “team,” co-workers, family members and even random people I’ve met along the way, we’ve seen it all…been there, done that…I hope. It’s true; the same experiences my grandmother, aunts and older cousins faced at my age have been passed down. They even warn us about things before they happen. Of course, if we listened, we wouldn’t be in half the mess we’ve been involved in. We’re stubborn. We like to hope that this guy will be different or that we’ll be prepared. Newsflash: He isn’t and we’re not! Let’s face it. Guys aren’t clever enough to switch up the game or invent new rules. Remember ladies: Same game, different players. Same shit, different toilet. Our options: Learn to play the game and flush intermittently as to not totally funk up the situation!
My mother, who is 28 years my senior, never imagined she’d get married and she was perfectly content with the fact that she would be a successful, yet single woman. Unfortunately, in today’s society, her ideals represent the minority. The term single carries several negative connotations so I’ll just cite a few definitions: unmarried, lacking a partner, of or relating to celibacy, unaccompanied or unsupported by others, existing alone.
Well no wonder women nowadays aren’t comfortable with the possibility that they could be single…forever. Don’t worry, I fall victim too.
Let’s first examine the history of the woman. Quick Sunday school lesson: the Bible teaches us that in the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. He then, a couple days later, made man, to work in the land that he created. But God saw that he needed a suitable helper. So from his rib, he created woman. Well ladies, there’s our answer right there. Just as plain and simple as it can be, we were made from a man. Genetically, our existence was based, firstly on that of a man. Not only were we created from a man, we were placed here for a man. Without getting into too much detail read Genesis 2: 15, 18, 22, 24. Somehow, “suitable helper” has evolved over time to mean mother, lover, financer, etc. and we’ve allowed it to happen. Let it marinate, now let’s move on.
Back to my mother: She’s a fly little thang, but don’t tell her I said so. She’s never let anyone or anything get in the way of the plans she’d made for her life. From what I gather, she was going to handle her business and if a man fit into the equation, then so be it. She was definitely a catch and men were chasing. But by her mid-twenties, with most of her friends marrying around her, she was secure enough and had enough faith, that if marriage was meant for her, the right man would come along that would be able to accept her and present himself as a valuable compliment to her life. If only I could be so secure at times. Mom says, when you meet the one, you’ll know he’s the one. Easier said than done…or is it? Mom, at age 26, was set up on a blind date, four months later was engaged, one year after that, at age 28, was married and almost 24 years later is still married (shouts out to my Dad)! So, there must’ve been a method to her madness.
Question: How many times do women meet someone and right away know that he’s not the one, but try to stick it out in hopes that he’ll turn out to be the one? Answer: Too many times!
When we find ourselves in those situations, instead of stepping on a ‘limb’ of faith, we should just, “trim the limb, kill the tree.” The only way to stop a cycle from recurring is to tackle the issue when and where it starts. Twenty-something singles will turn into 40-something singles before you know it. If we figure out how to stop the cycle now, we’ll be better equipped for a love life in the future. My goal is to be like Mom was and still is: focused on the present and having faith that the future will fall right into place.
Live.Love.Learn...(and then repeat)!
-TS&S
10 comments:
I truly believe in the "perpetuating cycle", however; sometimes I feel that the cycle can be broken...if you want it to, or even better...if WE as WOMEN want it to!
As you said..."The only way to stop a cycle from recurring is to tackle the issue when and where it starts."
It is a new day and time!
I am feeling your mother...I have come to the realization that I just might be single for the rest of my life...and I am content with that. I am by no means going to lower my standards, settle for second best, or conform my true self to please a man....all three being something young ladies do, just to say they have a man!
I truly believe that the cycle begins with you. What I mean by that is, women need to love, cherish and respect themselves WAY before they can expect someone else to. Men (unfortunately) prey on weak beings, how do you expect to be in a healthy relationship, if you yourself are not healthy?
I will take a stand and will take a part in trying to break the cycle!
I totally am feeling this blog...we as women must learn to trim the tree...KILL THE LIMB. If we see from the start that he is not the one then we must move on... As my mom always says the are thousands of fish in the sea. We must learn that we cannot change men...only ourselves if need be. Once thats mastered I feel like we as women are on easy street.
Regarding another person's comment, I don't think guys prey on the weak. I think weak women allow for people to use them or treat them that way. Maybe it's not about crossing someone of because you think they are not the one or because you might be settling but rather you are so guarded you miss out on what could really be there. I'm being a hypocrite though....I always write men off for the smallest things. It's something I need to work on.
You honestly don't think that men prey on the weak?
Of course, I am not speaking to ALL men, nothing that is discussed in this blog or these comments can be directed to ALL men, however; men naturally want to "rule and run things", they immediately become intimidated by a women who is smarter, is educated, makes more money than them, etc. Of course, I am not speaking to ALL men, but it takes a VERY secure and confidant man to step to and be with a woman who is a STRONG woman.
Interesting twist on the topic! I will say this about that: I do believe that MOST guys of a "certain stature" (which doesn't refer to ALL guys) prey, on the "weak" in an attempt to boost their ego. The sad thing is, half of them don't even realize what they're doing. I've come to realize that it's a reverse affect with women. If a guy does not meet a personal standard (i.e. college-educated, employed, etc.), then we don't bother further engagement. Consequently, if a woman is too educated, makes more money, etc. then a guy won't be as impressed to further engage. That's why good women complain about not finding good men and why good men have the pick of the liter (and most times take advatage of it)!
It's sad, but it does happen. If it doesn't happen to you, consider yourself str... "not weak."
Guys, I'm interested to read what you have to say.
I agree when you say most men who pick the "weak woman" don't realize they are doing it, however, I don't feel like they go out and think 'yep, shes the weakest of the herd, I claim her!'. Or, do you think they might have found a strong woman but because they are so dominating they managed to make her weak?
Also, I think there are men out there who want the "weak" woman but there relationships never work out or they complain all the time because deep down they realize they need someone on their level? I say this because my brother seems to be attracted to people he knows aren't on his level (education, drive, income, etc) but then complains how he's tired for paying for everything, or how he cant hold an intelligent conversation, etc. If he elevated his standards he's be happier.
I think that the cycle can be broken, once you figure out what you want. Let's face it, whether talking about a "fickle" woman or a "indecisive" man, neither of us know what we want out of a mate, or a relationship for that matter.
I mean, when have we ever known for a moment, exactly what we wanted, at the time we wanted it, never wavering on that desire? The answer is NEVER!
We choose people based on what attracts us to them at that moment, whether its a substansial reason or not. I think many of us just LOVE to complain that there are no "Good Ones" out there, when there are, you're just not looking in the right places, or for the right kind of person for you.
That's why I completely agree with my fellow postee's who believe that in order to have a worthwhile and successful relationship, you must know yourself first, through and through.
I truly believe in not settling, but I also believe in giving somone a chance, who knows, it may not have been someone you wanted, but they cound end up being that someone you need.
well...well....isn't all of this the truth ladies. I feel like sometimes we play the fool just so that we can have someone to play the fool for. It know its a cycle, my mother passed it on me...and when i tried to give it back she shut the door. My "team" knows how hard it is to find a great guy..not a good guy...a good guy is someone that will just be there temporarily, while a great guy will stick it out through thick and thin! i know what the cycle feels like and I have been on the cycle long enough..i told the cycle operator to let my ass off because quit frankly until you find the guy that is worth going through that cycle with..then why waste your time. Guys know how to play the game and they only think they outsmart us...thats because we sometimes want that game played on us..just so that we know we are a part of their lives. That cycle can be broken..i was on that cycle for 6 years ladies and i have moved on and though in the back of my mind i think about possibilities but this new cycle that i am is worth my effort and until finally put your feet down and demand that the ride stops...then it keeps on going..like it or not! Most woman are not as secure as they appear..we are emotional creatures and we stick around because its familiar and we are scared of what is in our future...unlike your mother most woman, including myself need to just let flow and enjoy the ride because when that right man comes along..which already has ladies! its all worth it
i think we go through stages in life and the twenties are serious growing period in your life. you either choose to go through to learn or you continue to live in the fantasty that is chiildhood. that is why we suffer through our twenties because we are trying to finding find ourselves (professionally, spiritually, personally.) someone mentioned not knowing what we want i think all of those things play a huge part in building any kind of relationship. if you are trying to figure yourself out how are you suppose to be able to cater to someone else if you can't cater to yourself first. we are placing to much emphasis on the man and him making us happy and complete. make yourself happy first then if a man falls into place and wants to make you happy let him and you should in turn make him happy.
VP that was very profound!
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