Receiving late night phone calls? Having to reschedule your quality time? Working extra hours? These are just some signs that your man could be cheating on you. They are not “for sure” signs, but if you start noticing a consistent pattern, you can pretty much start to put the pieces together. But this topic is not to discuss you, the victim. Let’s flip the script and talk about you, the other woman. You are fully aware of your title and role as the other woman and there’s really nothing you can do to ever change it. This is because the female who holds the number one spot on his list of priorities is not someone that you can confront eye-to-eye. Why not? Because she barely reaches your knee caps! For those of you who were slow catching on, I’m talking about your man’s daughter, the primary object of his affection.
Federal statistics show that 69% of all black children are born to single mothers (and a single mother means somewhere there’s a single father too). This is more than twice the national average. Almost 48% of all black children live without there fathers. I could mention, here, dating outside of your race, but that’s a whole different topic. So, let it marinate and let’s move on.
Most women, 20-something and beyond, have dated one or more men with children. Hell, if you haven’t, you know someone who has. After reading the statistics, that leaves you with two options: date him or don’t. If you don’t, good luck not bumping into one in the future. If you do, there are some things to which you must become accustomed.
My Team and I discussed enforcing the rule that if you’re going to date a man with a child, or children, the child has to be five years or older. This brings me to my first point: the mother of his child. I hate to use the term baby mama, but for the sake of typing it out, we’ll call her ‘BM.’ Our consensus is that if the child is younger than five, there’s a good chance that your man could still be visiting his BM for non child-related matters, if you get my drift. You know how us women can be, she may be bitter that she isn’t involved with him and so she’ll try to hold on to him any way she knows how, and we all know the power of the… And let’s not blame it on a sour relationship. They could remain cordial for the child, but your man can’t differentiate just friends from friends. Whatever the case, if you choose not to abide by the Team Rule (as is the case with one of my friends), or if the child is over five, the BM is in a serious relationship with someone else, etc., allow me to move on to the second point: not being the number one priority.
For me, this would be a real stinger. When a single man and woman are dating with no children between them, there are a lot of things that you don’t take into consideration. Any woman who’s dating a man with a child, who does not have a child of her own, is going to have a hard time playing second string, especially if she hasn’t had to before. You may not want to acknowledge it at first, but you want to be spoiled and given all the attention in a relationship. I think that’s a pretty natural expectation when courting. You may be able to coax him out of hanging with the guys or distract him from watching the game every once-in-a-while, but being a dad is a full-time obligation (or at least it should be), regardless of when he has custody (assuming he doesn’t have full custody).
The point is you’ll never be dating just him. You will always be the other woman. Later on in life, a ready-made family may be something your into. Maybe you love children, but love your figure a little more. In those cases, and some others, the threesome can definitely work. But being 20-something and single, I can’t see that being an option in the near future. Let’s be real, as in my girlfriend’s circumstance, if the guy is someone you’re really feeling and/or because he’s a great and responsible father, the good can outweigh the not-so-good on your list of standards and you’ll learn to adjust. Let's also jump to the other side of the fence and think of it as if you were a single mother. Wouldn’t you expect to find happiness in a man and possibly love even if you came with extra baggage…I mean, a bundle of joy (if the child is bad, I have no suggestions)? Let me move on to my third and final point before offering any advice.
My third point is financial stability/spontaneity. If you’re a 20-something single woman who is financially stable, which at our age means a woman who budgets her money and still has additional funds for entertainment, dining out and other miscellaneous expenses, you’ll be taken aback to know that your man is really pinching his pennies to provide for his child. Would you feel better if you knew he was cutting back to save for a down payment on a house instead of for child support? Let’s be straight up, I would! At 20-something, most of us aren’t making a high income amount (if you are then more power to you), so money may already be tight when dating a man without a child. But a cheap date is only cute for so long. At some point, a woman is going to want to be treated to a really nice, non-combo meal serving restaurant. What about a spontaneous weekend trip? Can he secure a babysitter in time? If he only sees his child on the weekends and you both work unpredictable hours during the week, you’re both screwed because now you’re asking him to choose. You could always make it a family-friendly trip, but do you really want to sacrifice Stella getting her groove back for the Emperor’s New Groove?
My advice to ladies with no children, who live comfortably on their own and think the relationship may get serious down the line:
- Attempt to befriend the BM, or don’t have contact with her at all. Ok, reality check. If you have to come in contact with her, remember two things: he's your man now, but that's their child forever. If you plan to be around for the long haul, your life can be much easier concerning the BM if she's comfortable with you being the other woman in her impressionable child's life. Stay focused on the needs of the child and not any personal and petty grudges with the BM. Your man will appreciate you more for it.
- Embrace the child, but don’t get too attached until you have a ring. There’s no use in playing step mom if there’s no future for you and him. So waiting around for a ring as an excuse to embrace the child is not necessarily smart if you're really clicking with him. Once he feels comfortable enough to introduce you two, you've got somebody new to "impress." Remember, if you don't hit it off with the child, you can't expect to get much further with him. I just suggest holding off on family outings until you're sure about him. Don't let him drop his child off on you in the very beginning. That shows a bad judgement call on his part.
- Keep a personal stash of money and a best friend on speed dial in case plans with your man ever fall through! Not really much else you can do in this situation. Either cancel your plans and sulk (or be the mature adult and help your man) or call on your homegirl. If things aren't too serious between you two, take another male friend. Another Team Rule: never abandon your other options until you become exclusive with someone.
- Lastly, and most importantly, ALWAYS use a form of contraception. If he was willing to take a risk the first time, we can only hope that he’ll be as careful the next. Being labeled as BM #2 is NOT cute. If he could stick and move with BM #1, there’s a possibility he may not stick with you. Remember, these are just my thoughts and those of my Team, if you find a man who rocks your world and has you rocking his baby’s cradle at the same time, then do you!
Live.Love.Learn…(and then repeat)!
-TS&S
7 comments:
I feel when you are in your 20's, dating a man with a child is not going to make you happy for the exact reasons you outlined, especially because you will not be getting the time you think you deserve. The first few times he cancels because of his child will be fine. But as that continues, it will annoy you. What's worse is it will annoy you twice as much because you feel like you can't be angry at him since it is him tending to his child.
Maybe the C in SC should also stand for Charlotte, always looking for the silver-lining, in a relationship. There is a chance this man with a BM is the man for you, what if you can’t have children, what if you don’t really like children (then you don’t have to have your living in your house all the time; possibly). I met this man that gave me all the attention in the world, best touch ever, played in my hair, and cute as hell, BUT three months later his ex- turns up pregnant. Now just because we decided the relationship wasn’t going to workout because of numerous reasons: location, psycho ex (not just the fact he has a BM, but that she is loopy), the type of relationship we want, and schedules. He is a GREAT man with a hard situation, he just needs a woman (not his BM) that lives near him, can understand his situation without being selfish. What I am saying is, it all depends. I also agree with being safe, if he left the decision of contraception to the last girl, you need to be extra careful, because it your body and your responsibility.
you people are crazy i'm totally against dating a man with a child or children (even worst) because i'm too selfish to share. oh, did i mention i don't like children. that situation could work for some but not for me. why is the mother of the child always the crazy one according to the man. mainly, it boils down to wanting a man when i want him and not having to work around anyone's schedule except mine and his
LADIES, LADIES, LADIES...... y'all are all trippin! Let's think about this from every logical perspective possible. I don't know about you all, but being in my early (almost mid 20's) the majority of the men I date are late 20's- early 30's. I am not saying it is typical that they each have a child (or children 4 that matter), but I am saying that it is not always that far fetched. Understand this is all circumstantial, but I truly believe that automatically writing off a man who possesses every quality you are attracted to, for the simple fact that he had a situation before you ever even came in the picture, is only detrimental to your own happiness. Yes, it does sucks to not always be someone’s #1 priority, but depending on his perception of you and your relationship, he values (or at least should) you in a totally different light than he ever would his child; which depending on the seriousness of the relationship could blossom into something, not completely equivalent, but more substantial than you could have ever imagined initially. Ladies, don’t we always say you can tell how a man treats his women based on his relationship with his mother?! What about his relationship with his daughter? Is it too wishful to think that after having a daughter of his own, a young man may reconsider and reevaluate the way he treats women and relationships? Signing off, I must make this disclaimer- Just because I am kind of defending the men w/ BM’s, I am not saying seek them out, or not to protect your own self, just stay open minded. And dudes, despite the fact that I am backing y’all w/ BM’s (the one’s who are mature and handling their b.i.), y’all need to protect yourself and make sure you don’t add more BM’s in your life. SAFE SEX IS THE BEST SEX! Thanks TS&S, cause I sure am livin’ lovin’ and learin’! Guys, we need your input, I want t know what you’re thinking. -S.O.B
This topic couldnt have come at a better time! Lately, when I meet a new guy I feel like its mandatory to ask if he has children. Case in point, I met this new guy like a month ago when he approached me at a restaraunt and we seemed to hit it off. The next week we are having drinks and all of a sudden he says "you know I'm expecting a child in 6 months". Err?? No I did not know that and why are you out with me instead of being with her??? I am so tired of men saying that the reason they are not with their BM's is because they are better off being friends. Well if that is the case, then you should have used a condom or some other method of contraception. I do not understand the logic of having a child with someone that you are just gonna be friends with...if thats the case then yall should of bought a puppy together lol. And it sucks because as soon as you're starting to vibe with the person, they drop the "baby" bomb and everything that you hoped to build with this person changes. All I have to say is, don't waste my time. If you're expecting a child, focus on the new life you are bringing into the world and not on getting some cutty...and clearly we see what resulted the last time you did that!
**Frozen Margarita
It also depends on a girl's tolerance level. It's up to the individual. If your ok with it, don't let anyone stop or influence you. If you are not, let them know up front. But no matter what, be careful, look at the situation for what it really is, and really analyze what you want and what you don't want. That way you won't feel like you wasted your time or it was some big shock and surprise that it didn't go the way you planned.
Sorry i am so late with my comments ladies...but on this topic i can relate. I mean dating a man that has a child is also an insight of who is as a man that you are dating. I mean a man that has a child, especially a man that takes care of his children. That truely means that he is affectionate, he is use to telling you how he feels and most of all he has that kids inside of him that is truelly sexy. I mean lets call him Josh..his name is not josh ladies. But when we dated he was goofy as hell but knew how to be serious when needed. He had that perfect balance. I know how hard it is to get that phone call that says..sorry boo i can't make it out tonight or i am really tired (all because the other woman had him playing in the park all day). But sometimes when you really care about a guy, you sacrafice your time and definitely your standards of never dating a man that has a baby moms because that one person might just be worth it. But on the other hand if he is not, then you look him dead in the eye and say "after all i did for you and your daughter, you dirty bastard". But truthfully it seem bad at first until you fall for him and his daughter is just an added bless, then what......
Post a Comment