By Dan Seitz
Cracked.com
February 12, 2009
There's a lot to love about being single. You save money on Valentine's Day gifts, you get to meet new and interesting people and sometimes you even get to have sex with them.
But it's not all knocking boots and freedom. There are some aspects of single life that might, in fact, be seen as less than desirable. And then there are these five facts that will make you wish you got married in high school...
#5.You Get Paid Less
Single People Tell Themselves:
Of course my married co-workers take home a little more scratch than me! They tend to be older and lamer, and most corporate pay-scales are directly tied to how old and lame you are.
The Truth:
You've got one part right: Your married co-workers take home more money. Just how much you're getting cornholed depends on who you ask, but a recent study pegged it at about 27 percent.
But it's not just age. The above study was based on identical twins where the bachelor was just as educated as his married dopelganger. In fact, even if you and a married man do the same job at the same level of competence for the same number of years, the guy with the ring takes home more than you.
There are a couple of possible explanations for this and, contrary to what you might want to believe, none of them involve your boss being jealous of your electrifying sex life. The explanation married guys are most likely to cite is a little old fashioned elbow grease. It's hard not to hustle when the option behind door number two is "let your wife and kids starve to death." Meanwhile, single guys are more likely to take a sick day to sleep off an especially bad hangover, or quit a great job because the nachos in the cafeteria suck.
And even if you’re married co-worker is the slap dick and you're the responsible one, the perception still may not change. From your boss's perspective, that guy's money is going toward feeding his kids. Yours could be going toward any number of illicit activities he's vaguely aware of. One of those sex parties he's seen on those HBO documentaries, perhaps.
#4.You Work More
Single People Tell Themselves:
In an unprecedented act of kindness, American corporations decided their employees were working too hard and began enforcing something called "work/life balance." Of course they had their selfish reasons. A happier employee will do better work, and get sick less. But who cares? Less work means more time for us single folk to go out and have indiscriminate sex with one another, right?
The Truth:
If you're single, work/life balance is yet another way for the world to punish you for being unloved. One way the "balance" is enforced is the Family and Medical Leave Act, which gives any employee the right to take time off if a spouse, child or parent gets sick.
But what if you're struggling to save up enough money for a ring for your girlfriend of seven years when she gets hit by a bus? According to work/life balance, you'd better have some vacation time saved up. Otherwise, you're just going to have to learn to weep a little quieter, because you're sort of bumming out the rest of the folks in Accounts Receivable.
There's also the unofficial considerations. Married employees simply have more legitimate excuses to ask for time off: a kid's birthday party, an anniversary dinner, Christmas. Yes, single people are more likely to be asked to work on holidays. The logic goes: You're single, you don't have a wife or kids, what could you possibly have to do? It doesn't matter if you were planning to spend the day delivering presents to sick children. Someone's got to pick up the slack for the married guy who keeps taking time off to attend his daughter's dance recital.
But don't worry too much about vacation time. Thanks to something called per person double occupancy (PPDO), you wouldn't be able to go on good vacations anyways. Essentially, hotels, cruise lines, pretty much anything that isn't a plane or a train, is designed and priced for couples. The travel industry wants as many people as possible roaming the streets in a capitalist frenzy. The more people they can pack into a hotel or a cruise ship, the happier they are. If that means punishing you for being unloved, so be it. Maybe you'll learn not to be so lonely next time.
#3.The Government Hates You
Single People Tell Themselves:
The tax code has something called the "marriage penalty," which is supposed to make married couples pay more. See? Uncle Sam remembers what it was like to be a squirrel trying to get a nut.
The Truth:
Actually, 51 percent of married couples get a tax bonus, and it can be up to $1300 a freaking year. Just enough for your co-worker to take his wife on that Hawaiian vacation while you do all his work.
The benefit comes if there's an income disparity; i.e. one partner is making more than the other. If they're pulling in the mad bucks and their spouse is working a part time job, or just a full-time job that sucks, they wind up paying less. You're stuck with the full tab.
To add a little salt to the hemorrhaging wound in your bank account, married couples can choose to file jointly or separately. So they have plenty of wiggle room to get the lowest taxes possible. So basically, instead of getting a tax break, you're doing the equivalent of buying another wedding gift for all the happily married couples you know every April 14th.
And if you think the government's a dick to private citizens around tax time, you should try fighting wars for them. You might expect the military to pay people who get shot at pretty well, regardless of whether or not they're married. But in fact, a soldier with a ring on their finger is entitled to an extra $250 a month based on a piece of legislation left over from WWI called Family Separation Allowance. They also get an increased housing allowance, which is untaxed money. So basically, married soldiers get bigger houses and enough money to install a jacuzzi in the backyard. But hey, at least you single folks get to play the field in Iraq.
#2. People Hate You
Single People Tell Themselves:
Fine, so I'm poor, over-worked and my government hates me. So what? That doesn't mean I should rush into anything. Only fools rush in! Elvis said that, and he was practically a genius. It's not like I should shack up with the next biologically viable human being I pass on the street, right? Right?
The Truth:
Rutgers University did a study that gathered empirical data of social stigma associated with being single and, well ... it's not pretty. Single men were viewed as being stupid and dishonest, and single women were more likely to be harassed and treated badly at restaurants. In fact, the study yielded so much material, that report we linked up there runs 58 freaking pages.
Even with the divorce rate hovering around 50 percent, marriage is still considered the norm. And if you're single for too long, there's a chance you'll stay that way.
Time spent single is a lot like time spent in the bathroom. It's the most natural thing in the world, until you're there just a moment too long. But once you hit that point, there's no turning back. People start to wonder what's wrong with you. Gross images start popping into their heads. The next time they see you, you might smell a little funny to them. But hey, look on the bright side, at least nothing's actually wrong with you, right?
#1.You Are Going to Die Soon
Single People Tell Themselves:
Well, at least I have my health...
The Truth:
We'd hate to send the message that you single folks are all alone in this world, with nobody to rely on but yourself ... since you can't even rely on yourself, really. See, even your body hates you for being single.
Opinions vary on why single people are more likely to get sick and die. Some think it's because marriage offers moral support to get through the tough times. Others think it's just that a spouse is more likely to nag you into going to the doctor. Of course those are things you can counteract without getting married. Just buy a dog and schedule regular medical checkups, right?
But that won't change the fact that married people have a better immune systems than you. They don't have to be happily married. Even divorced people are better at fighting off illness. It's like marriage is an all purpose vaccination that never wears off.
You'd think the health care system would be designed to accommodate all the strange and fascinating diseases you single folks have waiting in your future. But married people get the better of that too, often choosing between two subsidized plans, and paying less per person. In fact, they get such a good deal that people literally get married just to get on their partner's health plan. While this might sound pathetic to you now, it will sound a lot more reasonable when you realize that the grapefruit sized lump on your neck isn't going to remove itself. If it does remove itself, you're probably going to have to go to the ER and get that shit stitched up.
But hey, happy Valentine's Day single people! You might want to hang onto all that money you're saving on gifts.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
March Madness
As much as I enjoy basketball, I usually don’t get the chance to follow it like I want because seldom do I have an opportunity to sit still for more than an hour at a time. So, when the NCAA Championships come around and it’s time to fill out my bracket, I analyze all the seeds by rank, historic wins and losses and the strengths and weaknesses of the starting lineup. And sometimes, when I get midway through, I get lazy and just start to guess. Occasionally, I give the win to the underdog, while other times it just makes sense to hand them the upset considering the odds. I can only imagine what it’s like to be in charge of drafting the players. If you think analyzing 65 teams is rough, can you envision what it must take to analyze hundreds of players around the country? Majorly overwhelming. How do you know you’re not picking the wrong players, overlooking the right ones? I would assume it kind of takes the fun out of scouting at times.
I was reading through my friends’ Facebook statuses this morning when I came across this one: “This dating game is not a game anymore.” It was actually written by a guy! It made me laugh in agreement and then I got to thinking about how the dating dynamics have shifted.
I’m single (as if you didn’t already know). In every situation in which I was involved on some version/level of seriousness with a guy that resulted in termination, it was my choice. Now, in one or two instances, their intentional actions may have forced me to make that decision because (as emphasized in the last blog post) at times, were too apprehensive to just tell the person. But ultimately, it was my decision. I’m not saying I’m the bomb, although I am (smile), it’s just that for one reason or another it wasn’t working out and I either didn’t see the point in fighting for it, or there was no fight left in me, so I called it quits. Whatever the cause, I'd always get the universal response from others when I broke the news, “Oh well, it’s his loss.” Well, that phrase is beginning to frustrate me. In this dating game, at what point does “he” get tired of losing?
I am more than aware that, in line with my previous basketball analogies to dating, women are the coaches of their team and are in control of who they recruit and for which position. However, what I have a hard time accepting is that a guy can recruit me for his lineup as well and sometimes he’ll choose me to play a position that doesn’t highlight my strengths, adding little value to his team. In turn, I don’t play to my full potential and depending upon what position I’ve given him, I can go one of two routes: shine on every other player on his team to get the coach’s attention or request to be traded.
I’m stubborn (not always…but, I think it can come out in us all), so sometimes I feel like I don’t need to prove myself to any guy and therefore, have no problem leaving him with the loss. As far as I’m concerned, no one else on his team can perform like I can, so if he doesn’t want to start me, I’ll watch him lose…as a spectator. My mom claims I have absolutely no staying power because lately, my first reaction has been to walk. But as I see it, I’ve played enough games and I’m saving us both time.
Generally, as a result, the unfortunate occurs. He realizes he’s losing without me and wants me back on his team. Only this time, he wants me to play the position I was cut out for all along. And more often than not, by this time, I’ve found no need to be such an asset. While it’s always nice to be wanted, that doesn’t negate the fact that it’s completely irritating to be an afterthought!
So, I offer you a word of advice from one of my trusted advisors:
Be certain that the guy you’ve recruited to play on your team has a similar understanding as to your role on his. If you sit on this guy's bench, while he is a star player in your game, disaster is right around the corner.
In layman’s terms, “Don’t make someone a priority that only makes you an option.” Now, how you articulate those respective roles without scaring/scarring the other person is the tricky part. By nature, I always resort to sarcasm. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. You don’t have to tell them you’re looking for a husband, but a simple, "I'm not looking for a booty call" type of comment should send him the message to either remove you from his list of potentially easy “scores” or respectfully trade you so that his attempt doesn’t result in a technical foul.
Live.Love.Learn…and then repeat!
I was reading through my friends’ Facebook statuses this morning when I came across this one: “This dating game is not a game anymore.” It was actually written by a guy! It made me laugh in agreement and then I got to thinking about how the dating dynamics have shifted.
I’m single (as if you didn’t already know). In every situation in which I was involved on some version/level of seriousness with a guy that resulted in termination, it was my choice. Now, in one or two instances, their intentional actions may have forced me to make that decision because (as emphasized in the last blog post) at times, were too apprehensive to just tell the person. But ultimately, it was my decision. I’m not saying I’m the bomb, although I am (smile), it’s just that for one reason or another it wasn’t working out and I either didn’t see the point in fighting for it, or there was no fight left in me, so I called it quits. Whatever the cause, I'd always get the universal response from others when I broke the news, “Oh well, it’s his loss.” Well, that phrase is beginning to frustrate me. In this dating game, at what point does “he” get tired of losing?
I am more than aware that, in line with my previous basketball analogies to dating, women are the coaches of their team and are in control of who they recruit and for which position. However, what I have a hard time accepting is that a guy can recruit me for his lineup as well and sometimes he’ll choose me to play a position that doesn’t highlight my strengths, adding little value to his team. In turn, I don’t play to my full potential and depending upon what position I’ve given him, I can go one of two routes: shine on every other player on his team to get the coach’s attention or request to be traded.
I’m stubborn (not always…but, I think it can come out in us all), so sometimes I feel like I don’t need to prove myself to any guy and therefore, have no problem leaving him with the loss. As far as I’m concerned, no one else on his team can perform like I can, so if he doesn’t want to start me, I’ll watch him lose…as a spectator. My mom claims I have absolutely no staying power because lately, my first reaction has been to walk. But as I see it, I’ve played enough games and I’m saving us both time.
Generally, as a result, the unfortunate occurs. He realizes he’s losing without me and wants me back on his team. Only this time, he wants me to play the position I was cut out for all along. And more often than not, by this time, I’ve found no need to be such an asset. While it’s always nice to be wanted, that doesn’t negate the fact that it’s completely irritating to be an afterthought!
So, I offer you a word of advice from one of my trusted advisors:
Be certain that the guy you’ve recruited to play on your team has a similar understanding as to your role on his. If you sit on this guy's bench, while he is a star player in your game, disaster is right around the corner.
In layman’s terms, “Don’t make someone a priority that only makes you an option.” Now, how you articulate those respective roles without scaring/scarring the other person is the tricky part. By nature, I always resort to sarcasm. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. You don’t have to tell them you’re looking for a husband, but a simple, "I'm not looking for a booty call" type of comment should send him the message to either remove you from his list of potentially easy “scores” or respectfully trade you so that his attempt doesn’t result in a technical foul.
Live.Love.Learn…and then repeat!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
She's Just Not That Into You
In the post, “Good Guys Finish Last…but they do finish!” I challenged women to date outside the box. But, I may need to retract my statement, or at least make an addendum. It took me a while to understand, but because of recent circumstances, it has become even clearer to me that sometimes, you just can't force something that's not initially there.
WARNING: Do not confuse Mr. Nice with Mr. Right. If you already know “it’s” not there, don’t stick around thinking “it” will show up just because he’s a nice guy.
I briefly dated a divorcé. When I inquired about his reasons for divorce, he simple stated that although she was a nice woman, a doctor, smart and sophisticated, he wasn't physically attracted to her. At first, I thought it was such a shallow response, but now I think a little differently. His “it” was physical attraction.
One of my best friends found herself in a similar predicament and it went like this:
There was a guy with whom she went to high school. They shared a few mutual friends, but she didn’t recall ever speaking to him. She remembered him being quiet and a tad corny. So when he offered to take out her out and welcome her to the area in which she recently moved, she wasn’t expecting anything more than a few drinks accompanied by boring "catch up" conversation. What she didn’t anticipate was to have great discussion accompanied by non-stop laughter. While he wasn't the type of guy she’s typically attracted to, he was a nice guy who made her laugh so she figured she'd give him a try and agreed to hang out with him again.
After their third time hanging out, he tried to make a move by kissing her and at that moment she realized she wasn't interested in moving beyond friends. There was no physical attraction, so his decision to go in for the kiss repulsed her. Although he possessed the fundamentals: same religious beliefs, sense of humor, dignity and respect, that alone wasn't enough to make Mr. Nice her Mr. Right. She could have forced herself to like him as more than a friend, but inside, she wouldn't necessarily be satisfied. Who knows, she could end up like my divorcé; out one night, having bumped into someone to whom she is more attracted and not having the self-restraint to maintain fidelity. She knew she had to tell him, but how? After strongly considering lying, she told him the sugar-coated truth: he was a great guy whom she enjoyed hanging out with, but she was only interested in being friends. He seemed to be cool with that. Whether or not he still has hope for more is a different topic.
I was headed to work one morning, waiting for the train, when a guy walked up to me with a big grin on his face. At first, I thought he might’ve known me the way he approached me. That’s how familiar and confident he was. He started a conversation and when the train came, he sat down beside me. Great. Right before getting to his stop, he asked if we could exchange numbers. I wasn’t interested, but because he was a nice guy, I handed him my business card instead. First mistake!
I had no idea how to tell this man I wasn't interested, but I figured a few ignored calls would do the trick. Just kidding! When I finally decided to call him back, the conversation was decent so I decided that I would give him a chance and agreed to meet him for a drink after work. Yes, I chickened out. Second mistake. Right before I left the office, I got a text from him. There was a change of plans. Instead of going out for a drink, he wanted to rent movies and order pizza (the nerve)! I took it as my cue and finally told him, “I’m sorry, but don’t want to lead you on. I’m just not that interested. Take care.” Unfortunately, that didn’t sit well with him because I got four text messages telling me EXACTLY what he thought of me. You'd think we'd been dating for weeks, that he'd spent money wining and dining me. Some of you may think that, because I drug my feet, I deserved it. If I cared, I’d beg to differ.
We've all been there. We're walking down the street and a guy yells out for us to give him the time of day and when we say no, however we convey it, he replies rudely to our deny.
I do realize that no one likes rejection, men and women alike. But let’s face it, rejection is a bigger blow to a man’s ego than a woman’s. For this reason, women must be mindful that how he responds most times depends on how she breaks the news and when. Why should we care about his feelings? We shouldn’t. Men who aren't interested in us FOR SURE don’t care about how we feel (most men anyway). But the point is, we’re women: caring individuals. We’ll spend more time trying to figure out how to spare his feelings, while failing to realize the more time we take, the more damage we're doing.
I don’t think you have to apologize for not being interested; you just need to tell him promptly and in a way that doesn’t hurt his ego. You may possibly salvage what could potentially be a good friendship or, at best, keeping a future encounter as peaceful as possible. The fact that we put this much thought into breaking up with someone we were never with is a headache in itself, but karma is real so keep in mind that the man of your dreams may not feel the same about you. Let others down the way you would "want" to be let down. You could always have the "it's not you, it's me" talk or you could blame it on not being completely over your ex. But instead of lying, as SOON as you realize that you're just not that into him, say so, NICELY.
WARNING: Do not confuse Mr. Nice with Mr. Right. If you already know “it’s” not there, don’t stick around thinking “it” will show up just because he’s a nice guy.
I briefly dated a divorcé. When I inquired about his reasons for divorce, he simple stated that although she was a nice woman, a doctor, smart and sophisticated, he wasn't physically attracted to her. At first, I thought it was such a shallow response, but now I think a little differently. His “it” was physical attraction.
One of my best friends found herself in a similar predicament and it went like this:
There was a guy with whom she went to high school. They shared a few mutual friends, but she didn’t recall ever speaking to him. She remembered him being quiet and a tad corny. So when he offered to take out her out and welcome her to the area in which she recently moved, she wasn’t expecting anything more than a few drinks accompanied by boring "catch up" conversation. What she didn’t anticipate was to have great discussion accompanied by non-stop laughter. While he wasn't the type of guy she’s typically attracted to, he was a nice guy who made her laugh so she figured she'd give him a try and agreed to hang out with him again.
After their third time hanging out, he tried to make a move by kissing her and at that moment she realized she wasn't interested in moving beyond friends. There was no physical attraction, so his decision to go in for the kiss repulsed her. Although he possessed the fundamentals: same religious beliefs, sense of humor, dignity and respect, that alone wasn't enough to make Mr. Nice her Mr. Right. She could have forced herself to like him as more than a friend, but inside, she wouldn't necessarily be satisfied. Who knows, she could end up like my divorcé; out one night, having bumped into someone to whom she is more attracted and not having the self-restraint to maintain fidelity. She knew she had to tell him, but how? After strongly considering lying, she told him the sugar-coated truth: he was a great guy whom she enjoyed hanging out with, but she was only interested in being friends. He seemed to be cool with that. Whether or not he still has hope for more is a different topic.
I was headed to work one morning, waiting for the train, when a guy walked up to me with a big grin on his face. At first, I thought he might’ve known me the way he approached me. That’s how familiar and confident he was. He started a conversation and when the train came, he sat down beside me. Great. Right before getting to his stop, he asked if we could exchange numbers. I wasn’t interested, but because he was a nice guy, I handed him my business card instead. First mistake!
I had no idea how to tell this man I wasn't interested, but I figured a few ignored calls would do the trick. Just kidding! When I finally decided to call him back, the conversation was decent so I decided that I would give him a chance and agreed to meet him for a drink after work. Yes, I chickened out. Second mistake. Right before I left the office, I got a text from him. There was a change of plans. Instead of going out for a drink, he wanted to rent movies and order pizza (the nerve)! I took it as my cue and finally told him, “I’m sorry, but don’t want to lead you on. I’m just not that interested. Take care.” Unfortunately, that didn’t sit well with him because I got four text messages telling me EXACTLY what he thought of me. You'd think we'd been dating for weeks, that he'd spent money wining and dining me. Some of you may think that, because I drug my feet, I deserved it. If I cared, I’d beg to differ.
We've all been there. We're walking down the street and a guy yells out for us to give him the time of day and when we say no, however we convey it, he replies rudely to our deny.
I do realize that no one likes rejection, men and women alike. But let’s face it, rejection is a bigger blow to a man’s ego than a woman’s. For this reason, women must be mindful that how he responds most times depends on how she breaks the news and when. Why should we care about his feelings? We shouldn’t. Men who aren't interested in us FOR SURE don’t care about how we feel (most men anyway). But the point is, we’re women: caring individuals. We’ll spend more time trying to figure out how to spare his feelings, while failing to realize the more time we take, the more damage we're doing.
I don’t think you have to apologize for not being interested; you just need to tell him promptly and in a way that doesn’t hurt his ego. You may possibly salvage what could potentially be a good friendship or, at best, keeping a future encounter as peaceful as possible. The fact that we put this much thought into breaking up with someone we were never with is a headache in itself, but karma is real so keep in mind that the man of your dreams may not feel the same about you. Let others down the way you would "want" to be let down. You could always have the "it's not you, it's me" talk or you could blame it on not being completely over your ex. But instead of lying, as SOON as you realize that you're just not that into him, say so, NICELY.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
HETOX
The holidays can sometimes beckon an unwarranted encounter from the one to whom you used to belong. With Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Eve all lumped together, and Valentine’s Day following closely behind, there’s something about the holiday season that awakens the “Ghost of Relationships Past” and sparks the sentiment of even the coldest heart.
I have four female friends that had four totally different relationships come to an end. However, as of late, these four friends still hadn’t found closure from their failed relationships and they allowed it to haunt them. It’s mainly because they’re still falling victim to the old, but faithful male tactic of “keeping it warm.” Every time you think you’ve gotten him completely out of your system, he pops up out of the blue, and you’ve fallen back into distress.
Sometimes it hard to help someone who doesn’t realize they need it, so I referred them all to a book titled, It’s Called a Breakup Because it’s Broken, written by Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt and Greg Behrendt, the latter of which wrote the book-turned-movie, He’s Just Not That Into You. The book details how to re-focus once a relationship is over, with tactics as drastic as going cold turkey from your ex. There’s a line that reads, “But again, it’s like trying to get sober and allowing yourself just a sip to get you through the day. Indulging in the need rather than being strong enough to overcome it will keep you both addicted to your ex and immobile, stuck in your breakup angst.” The authors suggest going on a 30-day detox or “hetox” from the ex, which includes no communication of any kind with that person and certainly no “accidental” encounters. The purpose is to release the past in order to clear a path for the future.
With the end of one year and the beginning of another, it seemed to be a perfect time to suggest that each friend to go on this “hetox” challenge and write a weekly journal entry on their experience. Here’s what was revealed.
Lady A’s story:
After devoting four years of my life to _______ I had become completely engrossed in who he was, what he wanted and supporting his dream that I forgot who I was, what I wanted and even how to dream for myself. When our relationship went sour I realized he never took the time to really appreciate or know me. I found myself completely lost and grasping at straws to somehow maintain a connection to him that would validate me.
WEEK 1:
I am happy to announce that week one had no slip ups. Now, if only I could get rid of the constant "good times replay" from my memory bank, this should be a piece of cake. Hoping for selective amnesia…
WEEK 2:
How long have I been doing this again? I think about a week. The fact that I can't remember is a good sign, as is the fact that the rotation on my iPod has morphed from melodramatic to celebratory. So far, so good. What's harder than not thinking about _______ is that I am now forced to examine myself and my choices and deal with what I find... still working on that.
WEEK 3:
Is it considered cheating if someone tricks u into talking to them?
WEEK 4:
I don't think I need this week. I'm starting to self-purge the loser. Your body can only handle so many toxins and this week I choose chocolate over his a#* Detox is really about power. I needed detox because it provided a great way for me to learn who I am and how I live independent or completely void of knowing, seeing or learning about him. Reclaiming your ability to control how u let others access your life, how u feel and what you do. It’s too easy to fall into emotionally destructive patterns regarding the 'ex' detox just let's you step back, survey the scene and realize that you don't need contact from him to determine your mood. Detox is about reclaiming your life. I hope I've taken a step in that direction.
--------------------------------
Lady B’s story:
When things were good, they were great, but despite what he said, I always felt there was something below the surface that I didn’t have access to...his heart. There was nothing I could do or say to get him to open up to me. That was, until we broke up. It was then that he revealed what all but rocked my world. I was left speechless and I guess he was too because I haven’t heard from him since. All I got was a shameless apology with no explanation and a feeling like I still deserve more than what he’s given. I’ve forgiven him, but it’s too fresh to forget. That was 2 ½ months ago…
WEEK 1:
He must have a sixth sense because it’s day three of hetox and NOW he decides to contact me. I haven’t responded because there’s no need. He hasn’t shown any signs of remorse for what he did, so why should I care?
WEEK 2:
I had a relapse while reminiscing on the good times. When I caught myself, it made me upset and I felt like the situation had power over me once again. So, instead of sulking, I went out with my closest friends and celebrated what love really feels like!
WEEK 3:
I’ve had other things/people to preoccupy my thoughts/time. The first of those being ME! I’m ready to check out.
WEEK 4:
This detox was good for me. We had a brief conversation for the first time this week, but not about us, so maybe that’s not considered totally breaking the rules. After our talk, I realized that he’s not my enemy, but we’re far from being friends anytime soon and I’m perfectly okay with accepting that.
--------------------------------
Lady C’s story:
Before I entered into the detox program I had some not so nice words for the guy I dated for almost 2 years. We started to date right before I left for college, but I found out that distance doesn’t make every heart grow fonder. When I would come home from school, we were the cutest couple, but when I left, I wouldn’t hear from him at all…
WEEK 1:
The detox was not that difficult this week because I have been busy. I have come to realize that I only think about him when I am not doing anything. With school, work and the possibility of a new male interest, he has been the last thing on my mind. I know it’s not good to open a new door until you close the old door, but a wise woman once told me that sometimes the only way to get over your ex is to get under another (I hope not in the literal sense, as I am not sexually active)!
WEEK 2:
He still has an effect on me, and at a very weak moment, I did call him from a blocked number so he didn’t know it was me. He did not answer (THANK GOD!) and immediately afterwards, I regretted calling. The true test will be going home for the holidays because I know he will probably try to get in contact with me. My newest male interest is about to be sidelined because his actions are inconsistent and I’m noticing a trend.
WEEK 3:
I feel that this detox might not work because I haven’t found a stable someone to get under yet, making it hard to get over my ex. I saw him over the holidays and the attraction is still there, but again, he let me down and I’m back to square one.
WEEK 4:
There’s still times when I think about him, but not like before. I do not deserve the rollercoaster ride he puts me on so I’ve decided not to go anywhere near his amusement park.
--------------------------------
Lady D’s story:
We used to be engaged, yet while I was engaged in him and the next phase of our relationship; he was engaged in other things. As afraid as I was to start over, I left him. We remained in touch for some time before we decided to try at it again. Well, the time had changed, but he had not and I was disappointed all over again. I just wanted him to stop lying to me, but I kept answering the phone…
WEEK 1:
I swore to myself that I would move on this time. That I wouldn't dwell on what was, what could have been, or blame myself for how it ended. The fact is he really wanted out and all he needed was a reason. After five years of up-and-down, in-and-out, it became comfortable. Comfort is good, right? Wrong. Comfort is good if you're scared of the unknown and scared of who you are without the other person. But is it worth how I feel and what I deserve? I swear that answer is “no.”
WEEK 2:
I am ready to change my thinking. I am ready to believe that I am worthy of something wonderful... of someone wonderful. And why shouldn't I have that something or someone? Even if the last one had me feeling like I was only worth the bare minimum. I see that from my students too. They feel like taking my class is a necessary evil that they only need to do the least required of them to get through it. But what's the fun in that? Why not push yourself to the limit to get that 'A' that seems so out of reach? That's what good relationships are: the 'A.’ I am so used to being the "passing grade" that I don't think that I would know an 'A' if it walked up and smacked me on the ass... But I have to be hopeful that that one day someone wonderful will think that I am the class that he wants to get an 'A' in.
WEEK 3:
Okay, so I know that I should stay positive, right. I'm supposed to take all my relationships with men - good, bad, and indifferent - and learn from them. Well, with this last one, I am not sure what I am supposed to know... LOL!! Along with learning things, I also should not let whatever bad experiences that last relationship brought make me sour on finding love and positivity in the next one. I should continue with an open mind and not let the bad stuff get to me. But a wall has been built around every part of me: a wall made with suspicion, doubt, neuroticism and the need to prove how worthy I am of whatever goodness may come. It's something I have to overcome every time. In the spirit of the holiday season, I am throwing away all that negativity. I will not let it get to me, and potentially ruin what could turn out to be a great thing... Dear Lord, give me the strength to move away from these negative feelings and embrace the positivity that I deserve; help me know I am worthy of the love and respect I desire. And please give me the courage to open up my heart and mind to someone who really, really loves me.
WEEK 4:
When people say "anything worth having is worth working for,” does it apply to relationships? Say, for instance, I worked hard for a relationship of mine. Pretend that I put forth all this effort - conceded every compromise, extended every olive branch and rationalized every flaw - does it make the relationship worth it? Should I believe that I didn't work hard enough because the relationship didn't work? Now I have NEVER been afraid of a little elbow grease, but I will be damned if anyone can look straight into my almond eyes and tell me that I haven't worked hard for my last relationship. A very good man told me once that every partnership works when one gives a little more than the other: 60/40, 55/45, but almost never 50/50. My last one was about 85/15. Guess what part I was? And it wasn't even worth it.
Song for thought: "Finally," Brandy
I have four female friends that had four totally different relationships come to an end. However, as of late, these four friends still hadn’t found closure from their failed relationships and they allowed it to haunt them. It’s mainly because they’re still falling victim to the old, but faithful male tactic of “keeping it warm.” Every time you think you’ve gotten him completely out of your system, he pops up out of the blue, and you’ve fallen back into distress.
Sometimes it hard to help someone who doesn’t realize they need it, so I referred them all to a book titled, It’s Called a Breakup Because it’s Broken, written by Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt and Greg Behrendt, the latter of which wrote the book-turned-movie, He’s Just Not That Into You. The book details how to re-focus once a relationship is over, with tactics as drastic as going cold turkey from your ex. There’s a line that reads, “But again, it’s like trying to get sober and allowing yourself just a sip to get you through the day. Indulging in the need rather than being strong enough to overcome it will keep you both addicted to your ex and immobile, stuck in your breakup angst.” The authors suggest going on a 30-day detox or “hetox” from the ex, which includes no communication of any kind with that person and certainly no “accidental” encounters. The purpose is to release the past in order to clear a path for the future.
With the end of one year and the beginning of another, it seemed to be a perfect time to suggest that each friend to go on this “hetox” challenge and write a weekly journal entry on their experience. Here’s what was revealed.
Lady A’s story:
After devoting four years of my life to _______ I had become completely engrossed in who he was, what he wanted and supporting his dream that I forgot who I was, what I wanted and even how to dream for myself. When our relationship went sour I realized he never took the time to really appreciate or know me. I found myself completely lost and grasping at straws to somehow maintain a connection to him that would validate me.
WEEK 1:
I am happy to announce that week one had no slip ups. Now, if only I could get rid of the constant "good times replay" from my memory bank, this should be a piece of cake. Hoping for selective amnesia…
WEEK 2:
How long have I been doing this again? I think about a week. The fact that I can't remember is a good sign, as is the fact that the rotation on my iPod has morphed from melodramatic to celebratory. So far, so good. What's harder than not thinking about _______ is that I am now forced to examine myself and my choices and deal with what I find... still working on that.
WEEK 3:
Is it considered cheating if someone tricks u into talking to them?
WEEK 4:
I don't think I need this week. I'm starting to self-purge the loser. Your body can only handle so many toxins and this week I choose chocolate over his a#* Detox is really about power. I needed detox because it provided a great way for me to learn who I am and how I live independent or completely void of knowing, seeing or learning about him. Reclaiming your ability to control how u let others access your life, how u feel and what you do. It’s too easy to fall into emotionally destructive patterns regarding the 'ex' detox just let's you step back, survey the scene and realize that you don't need contact from him to determine your mood. Detox is about reclaiming your life. I hope I've taken a step in that direction.
--------------------------------
Lady B’s story:
When things were good, they were great, but despite what he said, I always felt there was something below the surface that I didn’t have access to...his heart. There was nothing I could do or say to get him to open up to me. That was, until we broke up. It was then that he revealed what all but rocked my world. I was left speechless and I guess he was too because I haven’t heard from him since. All I got was a shameless apology with no explanation and a feeling like I still deserve more than what he’s given. I’ve forgiven him, but it’s too fresh to forget. That was 2 ½ months ago…
WEEK 1:
He must have a sixth sense because it’s day three of hetox and NOW he decides to contact me. I haven’t responded because there’s no need. He hasn’t shown any signs of remorse for what he did, so why should I care?
WEEK 2:
I had a relapse while reminiscing on the good times. When I caught myself, it made me upset and I felt like the situation had power over me once again. So, instead of sulking, I went out with my closest friends and celebrated what love really feels like!
WEEK 3:
I’ve had other things/people to preoccupy my thoughts/time. The first of those being ME! I’m ready to check out.
WEEK 4:
This detox was good for me. We had a brief conversation for the first time this week, but not about us, so maybe that’s not considered totally breaking the rules. After our talk, I realized that he’s not my enemy, but we’re far from being friends anytime soon and I’m perfectly okay with accepting that.
--------------------------------
Lady C’s story:
Before I entered into the detox program I had some not so nice words for the guy I dated for almost 2 years. We started to date right before I left for college, but I found out that distance doesn’t make every heart grow fonder. When I would come home from school, we were the cutest couple, but when I left, I wouldn’t hear from him at all…
WEEK 1:
The detox was not that difficult this week because I have been busy. I have come to realize that I only think about him when I am not doing anything. With school, work and the possibility of a new male interest, he has been the last thing on my mind. I know it’s not good to open a new door until you close the old door, but a wise woman once told me that sometimes the only way to get over your ex is to get under another (I hope not in the literal sense, as I am not sexually active)!
WEEK 2:
He still has an effect on me, and at a very weak moment, I did call him from a blocked number so he didn’t know it was me. He did not answer (THANK GOD!) and immediately afterwards, I regretted calling. The true test will be going home for the holidays because I know he will probably try to get in contact with me. My newest male interest is about to be sidelined because his actions are inconsistent and I’m noticing a trend.
WEEK 3:
I feel that this detox might not work because I haven’t found a stable someone to get under yet, making it hard to get over my ex. I saw him over the holidays and the attraction is still there, but again, he let me down and I’m back to square one.
WEEK 4:
There’s still times when I think about him, but not like before. I do not deserve the rollercoaster ride he puts me on so I’ve decided not to go anywhere near his amusement park.
--------------------------------
Lady D’s story:
We used to be engaged, yet while I was engaged in him and the next phase of our relationship; he was engaged in other things. As afraid as I was to start over, I left him. We remained in touch for some time before we decided to try at it again. Well, the time had changed, but he had not and I was disappointed all over again. I just wanted him to stop lying to me, but I kept answering the phone…
WEEK 1:
I swore to myself that I would move on this time. That I wouldn't dwell on what was, what could have been, or blame myself for how it ended. The fact is he really wanted out and all he needed was a reason. After five years of up-and-down, in-and-out, it became comfortable. Comfort is good, right? Wrong. Comfort is good if you're scared of the unknown and scared of who you are without the other person. But is it worth how I feel and what I deserve? I swear that answer is “no.”
WEEK 2:
I am ready to change my thinking. I am ready to believe that I am worthy of something wonderful... of someone wonderful. And why shouldn't I have that something or someone? Even if the last one had me feeling like I was only worth the bare minimum. I see that from my students too. They feel like taking my class is a necessary evil that they only need to do the least required of them to get through it. But what's the fun in that? Why not push yourself to the limit to get that 'A' that seems so out of reach? That's what good relationships are: the 'A.’ I am so used to being the "passing grade" that I don't think that I would know an 'A' if it walked up and smacked me on the ass... But I have to be hopeful that that one day someone wonderful will think that I am the class that he wants to get an 'A' in.
WEEK 3:
Okay, so I know that I should stay positive, right. I'm supposed to take all my relationships with men - good, bad, and indifferent - and learn from them. Well, with this last one, I am not sure what I am supposed to know... LOL!! Along with learning things, I also should not let whatever bad experiences that last relationship brought make me sour on finding love and positivity in the next one. I should continue with an open mind and not let the bad stuff get to me. But a wall has been built around every part of me: a wall made with suspicion, doubt, neuroticism and the need to prove how worthy I am of whatever goodness may come. It's something I have to overcome every time. In the spirit of the holiday season, I am throwing away all that negativity. I will not let it get to me, and potentially ruin what could turn out to be a great thing... Dear Lord, give me the strength to move away from these negative feelings and embrace the positivity that I deserve; help me know I am worthy of the love and respect I desire. And please give me the courage to open up my heart and mind to someone who really, really loves me.
WEEK 4:
When people say "anything worth having is worth working for,” does it apply to relationships? Say, for instance, I worked hard for a relationship of mine. Pretend that I put forth all this effort - conceded every compromise, extended every olive branch and rationalized every flaw - does it make the relationship worth it? Should I believe that I didn't work hard enough because the relationship didn't work? Now I have NEVER been afraid of a little elbow grease, but I will be damned if anyone can look straight into my almond eyes and tell me that I haven't worked hard for my last relationship. A very good man told me once that every partnership works when one gives a little more than the other: 60/40, 55/45, but almost never 50/50. My last one was about 85/15. Guess what part I was? And it wasn't even worth it.
Song for thought: "Finally," Brandy
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)