The beginning of a new season has called upon a new attitude and new outlook on my love life. I’ve made up in my mind that I want to focus on dating seriously versus serially (see “I’ve Found ‘Him,” Now What?”), but arriving at that decision was not the difficult part. See, it’s my mind that gets me into trouble. I have an imagination that wanders aimlessly, creating a sense of, what I’ve learned is false hope in the person(s) I’m dealing with at that time. So now, I am forced to decipher if what I’ve decided in my head is what’s best for my heart. If it is, then I have to learn to open my heart so that I can grow to love and be loved. But trusting someone else with my heart is hard to do when I don’t always trust myself.
Proverbs 4:23 reads, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it affects everything you do.” This Scripture serves as a word of warning for me because when I find myself falling deeply in like with someone, I immediately start to incorporate them into my daily routine and they begin to take over my thoughts, both consciously and unintentionally, without regard to my feelings being not only real, but mutual. The passage reminds me not to trust just anyone with access to my heart, my emotions and my life.
I’ve found it easier to serially date because the act parallels with what seems to have turned into my motto, “no pressure + no expectations = no disappointment,” but I’ve been lying to myself, thinking that an emotional detachment would prevent me from getting hurt. In reality, there was no one that I found capable of sharing such a connection. We would come close, but not close enough, and in one way or another it still equated to disappointment. I’m now in a position where I want to meet someone that I can start sharing with, but because of unsuccessful attempts in the past, I’m reluctant to open up, once again, in fear that placing trust in a new person will yield an old, yet familiar outcome.
As much as I claim to be ready to step out on a limb of faith or jump out of a plane in an effort to experience the rush of growing in love and in a serious relationship, I’m afraid. A guy I’m dating recently illustrated our present circumstance with me “still sitting in first class,” while he has “the plane door open and a defective parachute.” In theory, it’s nice to think that there’s somebody out there may actually want to take that risk with me, but my doubts on him finding me are still there. And there I go again; taking the same bag I packed for Aspen with me on my trip to Miami. And as my friend always says, you’ve got to unpack between trips, meaning that it’s not smart to carry baggage from prior situations into a new one because, “different climates call for different clothes.”
But what exactly does it mean to trust someone? And is trust gained right away or is it something earned over time? The dictionary defines trust as: 1reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence, 2confident expectation of something; hope. I’m learning that trust is one of those terms best described by the personal accounts of the individual defining the word.
If you’ve been let down before, you may argue (myself included) that trust is something earned and not something freely given. However, it’s the confidence we must find within ourselves that will allow us to diminish the doubt we have in others and present everyone new with a clean slate. For now, I’m trying really hard to find this as easy done as said. The Proverb does not teach us to guard our hearts altogether. Instead, we are advised to protect ourselves from those who are incompatible so that we aren’t robbed of the gifts that He has waiting for us. And what greater gift is there to receive, than the gift of love?
5 comments:
First and foremost, remember that finding that love you describe you are looking for is like many things in life. It is a journey, not a destination. If, and whenever you meet "the one" you will have your ups and down in love. Love can hurt when you do it right.
You have to trust your heart, and listen to your mind. Sometimes it is one more than the other.
Have fun, enjoy yourself, and do what makes YOU happy. You have to live with the decisions you make. If you want to try a serious relationship for awhile, do it, enjoy it, but give it your all. Try to live in the moment instead of focusing on where it can or cannot go. If circumstances lead you to being single again, embrace it and keep moving. Try not to analyze everything and just let some things happen.
Everyone comes in our lives for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. Learn from your mistakes, learn from your dating experiences. And, most importantly, pray to God that he provide you the guidance and tools to find the right "one" instead on sending you the "one". What fun is it if you leave all the work up to God?
Happy dating!
I was reflecting on a previous posts. In the post titled, “Perpetuating the Cycle,” you asked the question:
How many times do women meet someone and right away know that he’s not the one, but try to stick it out in hopes that he’ll turn out to be the one? Answer: Too many times!
In contrast, how many times do we as women meet someone right away and know that he is the one, yet for some reason we let him go? I’ve heard many people say to think with your head and not your heart and to love with your heart and not your head. I want to challenge you to base your encounters from here on out on your spirit, your intuition.
I say lead with your heart but make sure your head is closely following. It is hard to know beyond a shadow of a doubt if he is the "one", but if you listen carefully to what your heart is saying, you cannot go wrong. And who lives in your heart and helps direct your path? God. But God also gives you the spirit of discernment. In my humble opinion, discernment comes not from the heart, but from the head. So you see, it is a balance of the heart and the head --- listen to the voice of God in your heart, but also wisely discern in your head so that you take the right path that He intends for you. And when might you know what He intends for you? When you know that you know that you know. Trust in Him --- He has never let me down and He will never let you down either.
We should always give the new guy/girl a clean slate because its the fair and right thing to do. But realistically, just because it's the right thing to do, doesnt mean it will happen. How can you possibly start the next person off on a clean slate when you are suppose to "learn" something from your past experiences? Naturally, what you learned from your past experiences is going to seep into your new relationship. Somehow each individual needs to find a balance with their (what I call) "crazy" tendencies. I always have this ridiculously romantic notion of how everything thing, every date, every word, EVERYTHING is going...I mean is suppose to turn out. So when it ultimately does not turn out that way, I am left with sheer dissapointment and take it out on the guy, which is not fair to him.
Instead of having high expectations, just have expectations. Instead of planning everything, or assuming how it is suppose to go detail by detail, just say, I am going to have a great time. Make it simple.
I learned a very important lesson about trust during college. A girlfriend of mine who i thought was someone trustworthy actually proved herself as nothing more than deceptive after i had already chosen to invest my trust in her. This was when I was younger and thought it safe to give everyone the benefit of the doubt until they gave me reason to believe they weren't worthy of it. This particular situation with a once close friend changed my perception of the value and importance of trust in friendships, intimate relationships, and sometimes even family members.
The only thing that I can offer that I unfortunately had to learn the hard way is something all of our parents told us since we were children..."Actions do speak louder than words." My dad bought me a book years ago called "If Life Is A Game, Than These Are The Rules." One of the chapters/rules I found directly related to the story of my life was "A Lesson Is Repeated Until Learned." We've all heard that saying "Same shit, new toilet!" They mean the same thing. When we find the same negative situations (be it in work, family affairs, relationships, eating/work out habits, friends, school, whatever) showing face in our lives over and over, clearly we are doing something wrong, and need to make a change.
As hard as it is to open up and trust someone, especially after being deceived or mislead by someone you may have once held dear, sometimes you just have to let go of any old shit that doesn't pertain to the situation at hand. The best and safest way to do that ( believe me I know this is much easier said than done) is to base all you your opinions of someone solely based on their actions....... not on what your aspirations of them are, not on the promises that they promise to keep, not on words. It can be soooo easy to become blind-sighted by the idea of someone we care about being perfect, the ideal, or close to it, that we ignore the imperfections that are nothing more than intolerable and unacceptable, only to be let down by a harsh reality that was staring us in the face from day one. Trust isn't something to be taken lightly, with anyone. It is a gift that many times people take for granted. The smartest thing to do is just be cautious with who you choose to hand that gift to. Once again, some wisdom fo' that ass from SOB!!! Until the next post........
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