Committed: To Be or Not to Be

We live in a society where people are conditioned and even encouraged to seek happiness at all costs. For example, when we’re at a job that is no longer fulfilling, we have the choice to either look for a new opportunity or quit. When we want a change of scenery, it’s as simple as relocating to a new city. Most of these situations are within our control. Nevertheless, there are circumstances that are bound to change without our influence. We must be cognizant of the possibility of these very instances as their unavoidable and sometimes unexpected effects will dictate how we handle situations moving forward.

We’re taught that change is a natural part of life and that all change is good. But is it? What happens when, as said by Ellen Gladgow, “all change is not growth, as all movement is not forward”? It can be quite the hard pill to swallow. What’s even worse is that we are the very beings most capable of this type of change; change that is both inevitable and sometimes without warning. Knowing this to be true, how does one commit to someone in marriage when both parties will, without a doubt, transform over time? How does a couple survive such a transformation that could leave them both completely different from the person their partner initially fell in love with and were attracted to? And what is the incentive to stay in a committed relationship (specifically marriage) when this happens?

I was having an in-depth conversation with a friend who married her high school sweetheart in their early twenties. They were the couple everyone admired, were role models to the youth at their church and accomplished in regards to educational background and budding careers. Having grown into adulthood together for the better part of six years, she said that marrying him was the one thing of which she was sure. She was marrying her best friend. They knew each other like the back of their own hands. Alas, their marriage lasted 18 months. The reason: her spouse turned into a person who no longer freely and openly communicated with her as he did many times before. Gradually, he grew cold and quiet – not just with her, but with family and close friends. And eventually, she discovered he’d been unfaithful. Damn.

I can’t even imagine finding the one and then discovering you’re not their only one. You’d have to be crazy to stick around – like you belong in an asylum, crazy. How do u sincerely commit to someone knowing that they’re going to change, without knowing what they’ll change into? Conversely, how do you know they’ll want to remain obligated to the changed you?

Not all people cheat. I believe this. However, affairs affect one of every 2.7 couples and the number one cause of divorce is infidelity. With that in mind, if cheating is so probable in relationships should we learn to accept it when it happens and adapt accordingly? Should we agree to open relationships so that both parties acknowledge that stepping outside of the relationship is a possibility or do we hold out for the slim chance that our relationship will be different?

I really don’t mean to sound like a pessimist. I’m merely thinking like a twenty-something single female who occasionally has doubts of commitment and struggles to make sense of it all. Of course, I want to be in a long, committed relationship, but the line between being committed and well, committed is thin. There are a lot of questions raised, none of which I can answer until I’m faced with the situation (God forbid). Nonetheless, I’ve found this prayer to be of solace, “God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it’s me.” -Author Unknown.

But You Say S/He’s Just a Friend: Part II

“It's one thing to turn a friend into a lover, but it's completely different to try to turn a lover into a friend.” –Unknown

I was once part of a mentoring session on relationships where a young girl around 14 years old said her mom referred to her as the girl friend and never the girlfriend – as if it was a bad thing, a curse of sorts. I pitied the teenager’s frustration, but even more her mother's lack of worthwhile advice to her young and impressionable child. And then I remembered when I was her age.

My father's one and only rule of relationship advice was told to me as a sophomore in high school. He said, “Nat, listen to me… be friends first.” The end. No anecdote. So yeah, I heard him, but I wasn’t listening.

While in high school, not once did I witness my friends in relationships establish a friendship first. In fact, most of them barely knew anything about one another before falling head first into what they identified as love at the time. Some girls changed boyfriends like they changed panties – once a week often. I, on the other hand, went almost four years without a boyfriend. I had a ton of close male friends and even crushed on a few, but not one friendship materialized into anything more.

I had a reader recently seek my advice on how to transition from one realm to the other: girl friend to girlfriend. Honestly, I don't have a definite answer so I came up with a short list of do’s and don’ts:

DO:

• Genuinely focus on building the friendship. People can sense when you have a hidden agenda and your ill intentions can ultimately push them away.
  
• Expect the best, but prepare for the worst. Before you decide to make your move, first ask yourself if the friendship can withstand the denial of a romantic advance.
  
• Be yourself. A friendship is built on common interests and familiarity. Once you express your feelings, don't change the fabric of what makes the friendship so great. Simply enhance its existing qualities.

DON’T:

• Sabotage your friend's current relationship. If your friend is currently involved with someone, don’t be a hater. It's unattractive. That is all.
  
• Take advantage of being in the “friend zone” for personal gain. Knowing their deepest, darkest secrets or their biggest insecurities is something you should respect and not abuse.
  
• Assume you are their type just because you're friends. While a friendship generally guarantees mutual interest and a genuinue care for one another, sometimes there are specific reasons why a person is placed in the "friend zone" that may be unknown to them.

I've come to realize there is something very admirable about establishing an authentic friendship with a person of the opposite sex. Through experience I’ve noticed the most successful relationships stem from true compatibility (so maybe my Dad was onto something). If you want to be more than friends, my advice would be to let nature take its course. Trust that things will happen when you least expect it– the way it happens in the movies. If you can’t resist, remember Barbara De Angelis’ words, “You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.” And if, by chance, they just want to remain friends, consider they might just be doing you a favor...so let them.

Live.Love.Learn...and repeat!

Song for thought: “Breathless,” by Corinne Bailey Rae

But You Say S/He’s Just a Friend: Part I

I once came across an intriguing Facebook status that stated, “As a rule, men and women CANNOT be (platonic) friends... so if you meet someone who has friends of the opposite sex, they’re either lying, naïve, or they have secrets...in any case, RUN!”

While I typically try to avoid commenting on Facebook statuses (read: I loathe the constant notifications when people comment after me, yet am too lazy to log on and change my settings), I found this one to be response worthy merely because I‘d just debated this controversial topic with two different men in the same week. Their claim is always the same: men and women can’t be friends without a romantic relationship ensuing. But having a great deal of male friends myself, I strongly disagree. I went to seek the definition of the word platonic and found its meaning is where the debate begins.

According to MSN Encarta, platonic is defined as:

1. not involving sexual relations: involving friendship, affection, or love without sexual relations between people who might be expected to be sexually attracted to each other

2. perfect but unreal: perfect in form or conception but not found in reality

I’d like to point out two things from the abovementioned definitions. Firstly, platonic means to involve affection, but abstain from sexual relations. Secondly, note the contradiction and negative connotation the subsequent definition carries. With such an influenced depiction of the word, why wouldn’t there be any skepticism of its likelihood? Two attractive people can be friends without being attracted to one another. Can’t they? And if one party is attracted to the other, the friendship is still salvageable as long as they stay within the companionable boundaries of friendship. Right? Well…maybe in a perfect world.

I believe the real threat on a platonic friendship between men and women is not due to the chance of romantic involvement. Instead, as made apparent in the first definition, what compromises the relationship more than anything is the speculation and insinuation of third parties – those “who might expect” the two friends to eventually become more. Is it fair of them to project their experiences of failed platonic relationships on friends who have not crossed the line? Not at all. Does it happen anyway? All the time.

A platonic friendship can be especially difficult to defend when adding a significant other to the already seemingly-skewed equation. A happily married male friend of mine shared with me that men and women can have a successful friendship, “if the significant other is secure in knowing that a friend of the opposite sex probably knows their mate better than they do.” Imagine that. Understandably, that can be a tough pill to swallow. But looking at the glass half full, a significant other may benefit from their mate having a confidant of the opposite sex.

One young woman once told me that friends of the opposite sex are translators. What a novel concept! It has already been proven to be true. There is no other reason for why male “relationship experts” are publishing best-sellers due to the majority female consumers that buy them. It’s not like any information they’re sharing is brand new. Alternatively, women are more receptive to a man giving them relationship advice than a woman. And while men may not always admit it, they’ve also found themselves more likely to identify with the opposite sex when situations are given impartial insight by a female friend detached from the situation.

Truthfully speaking, the male/female friendships that haven't transcended their platonic nature are probably attributed to an unreciprocated attraction by one of the friends. Nevertheless, if you meet someone who has friends of the opposite sex, don't rule out the chance that they're probably determined enough to refrain from crossing the line or there was a mutual agreement that a friendship could be kept intact even after a romantic attempt failed. Don’t be naïve, however. It’s clear. Some people have a skewed view of platonic relationships and those people tend take what they can get by settling for "friendship." Note the quotations. These are the types of acquaintances that can be hazardous to romantic relationships. Beware: having a genuine friendship with someone of the opposite sex requires a level of maturity that not many people have mastered. Again, I have a lot of male friends. It doesn’t mean I haven’t been tried by some of them, it just means I didn’t take the bait.

Live.Love.Learn…and repeat!

Song for thought: “Buddy,” by Musiq

The One Before THE ONE

"Before me there were many. After me there will be none. I am the one.” –Jay-Z

This line in Jay-Z’s song, “Guilty Until Proven Innocent,” said so matter-of-factly, could make one miss the fact that it quite confidently crossed the line of conceit. This is probably why I repeated it so much (don’t judge me)! There was a certain assurance portrayed in his voice that said, in so many words, “you may have experienced quite a few prior to meeting me, but none of them come close to me, and it will be a waste of your time to think you’ll find better.” End scene.

I must admit, since I copped the Dynasty: Roc La Familia album in high school, I’ve kept this line as a frame of reference with me while being on anything from job interviews to first dates. The pompous declaration, if backed by actual evidence, was considered a one-two knockout in my book. And if you didn’t recognize me as the one at that time, you couldn’t say I didn’t tell you so when it registered later.

Self-assured? Absolutely. But sometimes it's necessary to have that way of thinking (not acting). If not me, then who?

If you’ve been sleeping under a rock, wake up and smell the roses…the wedding roses that is. We are smack dab in the middle of wedding season! I swear, since I hit the “mid-twenties” age range, I have attended more weddings than Elizabth Taylor has ex-husbands! And with every wedding invitation, save the date or relationship status change on Facebook comes inevitably, “the call.” You know, the call from your friend to say how shocked they are to discover that the person voted most likely to remain single (for whatever reason) is getting married.

But the worst of them all is when you learn your immediate ex is next in line to head down the aisle. The feeling can be absolutely devastating, particularly if you once imagined yourself meeting them at the other end. And even if you’ve come to grips with the break up, the fact that they’ve moved on and found something permanent in someone else before you still bites just a bit. You may develop what I call “Dumper’s Remorse” as my friend Sasha did just last month.

“Dumper’s Remorse” is the feeling of doubt that the dumper typically experiences after dumping the dumpee (get it?). It doesn’t necessarily occur immediately after the break up. It can lie dormant for months, even years, until situations just like the aforementioned arise. It is generally caused by the realization that single life may not be greener grass and that the issues that were prevalent while in the relationship, in hindsight, may not have been that bad. Whether the perception is temporarily clouded by current circumstances rarely tends to matter. The point is, you’re lonely and you want that old thing back…if only to pacify your existing whirlwind of emotions.

The group blackberry message notification on my phone one early morning signaled that whatever message was being transmitted was serious enough that the entire group needed to hear at once. And the message read, “(Ex’s name) proposed to his girlfriend. That should be me! I am officially the one before THE ONE.” To add insult to injury, Sasha’s ex proposed with a ring similar to that of her dream ring. Ouch.

Sasha's situation got me to thinking about how it must feel to put all your time and energy into your relationship, only for things to fall through and their next relationship turn into everything you wanted yours to be when with them. Here’s my two cents in two words: tough cookie. What? Were you expecting me to join in on your pity party? I refuse.

Yes, I acknowledge it sucks…majorly. What you have to remember is that things ended with your ex for a reason. As quoted by Jodi Lipper, “An ‘ex’ is called an ‘ex’ because it's an example of what you shouldn't have again in the future.” What good are a proposal and the perfect ring if it’s with the wrong person? Push through your second thoughts and pending regrets. Instead, boldly declare that you are the one for someone better and more deserving. Go into the next relationship recognizing all that you bring to the table and then…bring it! There’s no shame in being the wrong one before the right one. When the ring is on the other finger (get it?), it’ll all be worth it.

Live.Love.Learn...and repeat!

Song for thought: "The One," Mary J. Blige ft. Drake