Dear Ms. Wright,
I am 24 years old and am still with my high school sweetheart. We’ve experienced our ups and downs over the many years, but we’ve stuck it out. Well, I think I’m hitting one of those “down” moments again. He is very focused on school and his budding career that I feel he leaves little time for me. I am trying to be patient with him, but it’s hard. He is so preoccupied with other things that it makes me feel isolated and in my own bubble. I met a guy who I fully intended to be nothing more than a friend, and although he knows about my boyfriend, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him and him about me. He’ll send me cute little reminders that says he’s thinking about me. It’s just a simple crush, nothing more. We don’t even live in the same state, but I’m intrigued because it’s something new and different than what I’m getting from my boyfriend. I know that if we were closer to each other, I could be headed towards trouble. Please help,
Attention-starved, age 24.
Dear Attention-starved,
I’m afraid what I may say will burst your bubble so get the parachute ready. As you know, from being in a relationship for as long as you have, it is important to find new ways to fall in love with the one your with. I’ve mentioned that before. Look at older married couples that have weathered the storms. While you may think it’s harmless to let this new guy blow some air in your bubble of isolation from time to time, remember not to let it inflate too big and result in you getting carried away.
Reminding yourself of why you fell in love with your boyfriend can be the first step in staying in love with him. Ask yourself: What attracted me to him? Why did I fall in love? What helped us get back up after our “down moments?” Reflect on the answers and bring it to your man’s attention. Let him know through your words and actions that you’re trying to “get that old (yet good) thing back!” Communicating your needs to him in a way in which you know he’ll be receptive (Note: this can vary from man to man and relationship to relationship) is extremely important. What I’ve been told is that while women let one un-related emotions influence another, men, on the other hand, tend not to let their emotions overlap. The way you may let a good day with him dictate a productive day at work/school, etc., he probably keeps school, work and his relationship with you in separate boxes, only dealing with one “box of emotions” at a time. It is our job, sadly, as women to remind men to reach for that relationship box more often.
Don’t be fooled, just like the new car smell, that “new feeling” can wear off if you let it. Most times, it’s not intentional and usually means that two people have reached a mutual level of comfort with one another. Be comfortable enough to talk to him, tell him how you feel and ALWAYS offer solutions for compromise. From his response (whether verbal or non-verbal), you can gauge one of two things: if it’s worth holding on or if you should let go and move on to something new.
Good luck and remember to live, love, learn…and then repeat!
2 comments:
Ms. Wright
I agree totally agree with the advice that you have "Attention" but it seems as if communication might not be the answer to her solution. I was in a similar situation where I was in a long term committed relationship with my high school sweetheart. At times I felt as if I was playing the waiting game and that I was in the relationship only for the sake of security, so I broke it off. I too had myself a "new car" that soon lost its new car smell. But what I took from the situation is that I have to live for my happiness and not for stability. Ultimately, I reunited with my love but with a different outlook. I no longer clung to security but demanded spontaneity. I didn't make the situation an "ultimatum" but I made him understand that I had to be the focus of his life and that I needed more attention.
In summation, I think that "Attention" should enjoy the new car smell while it lasts if her man is too focused on other aspects of his life. Life is too short to comprise your personal happiness for the sake of another. I'm not telling her to sleep around or be dishonest, but maybe she should take a break and when she returns hopefully her man would have undergone the deluxe detailing package and asked the attendant for extra air freshener...specifically the new car smell fragrance.
Well well well..This blog def. hit close as hell to home. I love attention-starved's advice and I truelly understand Ameretto's advice. When one is in a relationship that has started out so young and they both mature, both becomes two different people, but thegoal in my personal situation is to have the two new people realize that the new people is only a twist on the two old people. I def. tried talking and I def. tried SMELLING that new car..and trust when i say that new car smell doesn't will never smell as good as the old car. I found myself comparing both men and seeing how greati have it at home and even though, my mind wonders and begin to think how good some else's passenger seat could feel, i soon realize that my seat is already warmed up and has molded into my personal shape. Ladies you know how hard it is to get that seat warmed up and molded,..expecially with a good man. I Mean i got a GOOD MAN! and if i didn't have friends to remind me of that and him to show me that all this hard work is not for him, but for US, i would be in bad shape. Don't get it twisted, i placed my foot down and demanded my position, but i def. understand what he has to go through to keep me happy and have to keep in mind how happy i need to keep him. In short, that new car maybe clean, new and smell good for a hot minute, but that old car can be washed, completely reloaded and def. carry my down that long road towards happiness. I feel that as long as two people love one another, then thats the perfect foundation and that foundation may get get rocked once in a while, but after 7 years and the same love still burns as it did in high school, the only thing left to do with the foundation is to build ahome. That love from high school may have dimmed or even change, but its def. still there.
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