You’ve come to a point in your life where you’ve finally gotten a hold on your life. Maybe you’ve just freed yourself from a tumultuous relationship. Maybe you’ve finally found a balance between school/work, finances, and your spiritual and social life. You enjoy hanging out with the girls from time-to-time, but eventually you start to crave the attention of a man. You’re not totally ready to invest your time and emotions into another relationship nor are you ready to stop basking in your own glow, and rightfully so! It’s natural for us, as women, to want to be held, kissed, cuddled and even pleased, sexually. Although we can be independent women, not wanting the commitment that a new relationship entails, every once-in-a-while we’d like the affection and attention of one. The term associated with this is called “no strings attached” (NSA). NSA is an idiom used in the English language meaning without conditions or obligations; without a catch. However, actor/comedian Bill Bellamy has fondly coined it as a “booty call."
I don’t want to discuss a booty call (BC) or NSA relationship, which is in fact a relationship, believe it or not. Instead, I want to discuss when one party starts to get attached to the situation that is solely based on avoiding a connection.
By nature, women are emotional creatures. No matter how you slice it, the vast majority of us feed off of our and other people’s emotions. So what happens when you’ve subconsciously devoted your emotions to a man who has no emotional ties to you? As my Team would say, you and this man are “strictly dickly” (ok, I know we use this term to define our sexual preference, but it works in this sense too). I know it’s against the rules for you to fall for this guy, but it happens to both men and women so how do we deal with it? Can a BC ever really turn into anything more?
In most situations, the chances are slim to none. To some, a BC is a great alternative to a committed relationship, or in some cases, a great addition. Allow me to share a story with you about my teammate, Gin*. Gin, new to single life, vowed to stick to the dating scene for a while. She had no intentions of things getting serious or exclusive. This lasted for about six months before her sexual energy had reached an all time high. After a few weeks of conversation with a new guy, she found herself, at the end of a great first date, “getting to know” this certain someone a little better. I’d like to explore how soon is too soon in a later post.
Both parties had stated, prior to the date, that they weren’t looking for anything serious. But Gin, not accustomed to the situation she’d gotten herself into, found herself trying to make the courting phase catch up to the sex. One night eventually turned into a pattern of routine BCs, almost totally eliminating any activity outside of a bedroom. On one hand, she liked what they’d started: an agreement that they’d call on only each other in the time of “need,” leaving them both free to date other people. Yet on the other hand, she hated the fact that she was giving something so precious to someone who didn’t see her worth anything more. Long story short, the feelings of wanting him to want her for more than just a BC overpowered what started out as a great commitment-free, "friend with benefits" relationship.
I haven’t met one woman who in their heart of hearts didn’t want, ultimately, a committed, monogamous relationship. As much as you try to deny it, ladies, love is NOT for losers all the time and at some point you’ve secretly wished for that of which you didn’t have, one man all to yourself. I know I get that feeling at least every fourteenth of February! So if you’re a part of the large portion of women who are channeled by emotion, you could be in for a rude awakening by falling for your BC…not to mention a blow to your ego.
In Gin’s experience, you may really have to just chalk him up and start from scratch in terms of trying to make things more serious between you two. Get to know someone new without giving him the goods and when you find yourself in the giving mood, then call on your BC. That’s what he’s there for. There are strict guidelines to NSA. There has to be something about this guy that you absolutely cannot tolerate or compromise. Reminding yourself of these things will keep him out of the running as a potential mate and you’ll restrict your emotions from going much further. You also won't be offended, wondering what makes the women he's dating special enough to court.
In life, there are always options. I’ll offer two. Option 1: Recruit, recruit, recruit. That’s always my motto. If you’re steady scouting other players like he is, you can bench him and sub someone else in when you feel those emotions starting to surface. If you were rotating players, you wouldn’t have fallen for him in the first place.
Option 2: You can choose to continue the BC relationship, but keep in mind that rarely (and I mean your chances are slim to none) does it develop into anything more. A male friend put it best: Dating is like recruiting an all-star lineup for a basketball team (yes, any relationship can be compared to sports. I prefer the game of basketball so I suggest you learn and understand the game). When recruiting (dating) for your team, you are looking for people who possess specific skills (characteristics). Guys are busy recruiting too. If you know you’ve been recruited for your skills in bed, he’ll be expecting you to continue to showcase those skills. Not to say that you don’t have other talents, but you haven’t been recruited for them. If you stop performing, he’ll be quick to bench you, or worse, trade you. Your best bet is to practice ways to perfect and highlight those skills on days other than game night. Once that’s perfected, and I stress the word perfected when it come to substituting the skill of sex, sporadically display them until he realizes what else you have to offer. But even then, he may not be interested so be prepared. Good luck taking your chances!
Let me know how you feel on this subject. If you know of a relationship, that started as NSA and turned into something more, I’m most interested in hearing your comments.
Live.Love.Learn…(and then repeat)!
-TS&S
*Name has been changed to keep identity anonymous
5 comments:
I have had the guy who was just a BC but eventually wanted it to be more. I had to cut him off. We remained friends until he found a girlfriend. I have had a guy that was just a BC, but I cut it off when I discovered he had other BCs. Now this wasn’t because I wanted him all to myself, but rather, a recipe for contracting an STD. I then had a BC where we thought something could come out of it, but ultimately, his BC side was too strong for him; he’d never be able to commit. At the very least, he admitted that up front (“I want something more, but I don’t think I am at an age where I can commit and mean it.”)
I then had the guy who saw me and wanted me to be a BC. He had just gotten out of an 8 month relationship and wasn’t looking to jump into another one. Without me knowing that, when I saw him, I had googly eyes and floating hearts around me with flashes of wedding bells. After him hanging out with me for 2 weeks, he realized I had no intention of being a BC, since I made him wait, and realized I was actually a good person inside. A year or so down the line, he told me after he realized I was “good” inside, whatever that means, he wouldn’t have felt right making me into a BC or tappin’ it once and bouncing. Now rarely does this guy exist where he acknowledges good and follows his conscience, so I’ll consider myself lucky for stumbling onto this guy.
All in all, if you are out to get a BC you better be confident that is ALL you want. Don’t go to dinner with him. Don’t see a movie with them. Don’t hang out with them. Don’t call them, text them, send them e-cards unless it’s “wanna have some naughty fun tonight.” Period. If you claim you want a BC but you want dinner, movies, whatever….you’re fooling yourself. You don’t want a BC, you want a boyfriend without calling him a bf. If you are worried about being “used,” you clearly don’t want a BC. If you did, you wouldn’t care because you are using each other for an agreed upon purpose. If you want a guy that you can have sex with and go to the movies, etc…it’s called dating. Just let the guy know up front if you want both of you to date others or if you want it to be exclusive. Just remember, you cannot be hurt by a situation that you never clearly defined up front. And if you are, you brought it on yourself.
I was in a serious relationship with a guy for a year but because of the distance we were forced to separate. Every time he comes to town we find our selves back in the relationship phase but for some reason neither of us want to see the other as a BC and the love is still there so NSA wont work either. We really want to be intimate with one another but to spare the feelings of each other we keep it at a simple kiss. Is it possible to have both the love and a twice a year BC???
Let me just start out by saying, I think the concept of NSA and BC's is complete BS.
I know, harsh words, but it's true. Friends with benefits relationships, never truly benefits anyone. This situation is doomed from the beginning, and is one where one or both parties involved can (and most likely do)get hurt.
Before I begin my rant, allow me to first say Kudos to TS&S for acknowledging that there is a RELATIONSHIP in NSA or BC's or FWB or whatever you want to call it. Too often you hear people say, "I'm not looking for a relationship," when in actuality, one already exists. Whether it be friendship, friendship on the brink of something more, or just good ol' fashion sex, a relationship will always exist. Acknowledging that and applying rules of conduct in that relationship is the only forseeable way to ensure you heart stays in tact and your feelings aren't hurt.
Another point I'd like to make pertains to the act of sex itself. SEX is designed to emit ones emotions for another. Now, I'm not saying that having sex for sport isn't something that happens (i.e. one night stands), but it wasn't apart of its initial design. Most sex is sensual, and involves kissing, touching, caressing, and a host of other words that might get too hot... even for this blog :). In NSA relationships it is not solely about just you, but about the other person as well. Guys make sure to "Put It Down" so that if their FWB goes and tells her friends, his rep is protected. Ladies "Put it on him" so that he knows, her Vajay Jay is the best out there. This sounds a bit superficial, but doesn't make it anyless true, for many of us out there have sex, special moves and all, to elicit a response of pleasure out of the other person. And those are just the facts!
B4 I go, I must say, whatever the reason or season, if you are going to have sex, be safe. I know I sound all Public Service Announcement-like, but if it saves somone from an STD or unwanted pregnancy, I have done my job.
Happy(SAFE)Humping Everyone
As far as subconsciously devoting our emotions that is a MYTH. A least for intelligent women. We are fully aware when we are getting in too deep and when we are giving or emotions to someone who is not as involved as we are. I think using the phrase "subconsciously" is a crutch or excuse us (women) use to excuse the fact that we made a silly cognizant mistake. And we use it as a band aide to cover the wound that was self-inflicted when we get involved with the wrong man. Men are generally more upfront then we are so if we get involved in a BC we are usually well aware and informed however, we CHOOSE to have our blinders on or be naive. Women need to take responsibility for our feelings and emotions and be more careful. If we are going to play the big girl game we need to act like big girls. In regards to a BC turning into a relationship anything is possible. It is also possible to squeeze water out of a rock.
i'm oppose to bc relationships because it makes no sense. either you want a man or you don't because at the end of the day there are no long term benefits for women. a bc is just a temporary fix for what we really want which is a relationship. everyone is so concerned about getting their needs taken care of physically that they don't even realize that he treats you like shit once yall are done. what happens when are thirty and you have thirty guys under your belt and are looking to get married? we just need to be more into building a lasting bond with someone even if it doesn't work out romantically you know you have a friend. maybe thats just me living in my fantasty world i don't know
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