My TEAM and I have asked ourselves over and over, “Where are all the good men hiding?” Well, I’ve already told you in a previous post that they’re actually not hiding. In fact, since that post, I’ve bumped into three! And so now that that mystery has been revealed, you’d think I’d be pleased with the outcome. Think again! It’s great that I’ve found “him,” but now what? I’ve realized that it’s not that there’s a shortage of good men, it’s that when women find them, they don’t know how to appreciate them. Okay, so maybe my revelation was a no-brainer to some, but I never thought I’d be one of those unappreciative women until now…allow me to explain.
I swear I come up with a new definition for dating every time I go out with someone new. Dictionary.com defines dating as, an engagement to go out socially with another person, often out of romantic interest. Auntie says that dating is what you do when you’re trying to find a mate or, if things don’t go well; get a free meal (I promise she means that in the most respectable way possible). However, what people fail to define is the emotional difference between what I’d like to call “serially dating” and “seriously dating.”
Seriously dating is just that, taking the time to learn and grow with one person in all aspects. Serially dating is what I refer to as dating people sequentially (and simultaneously) just for the fun of it, with no expectations, no pressure. It’s a sure-fire way to get to know a couple of people and create a couple of new experiences. But what happens when you’ve been serially dating and find you're seriously falling for one of the guys? That’s where I’ve always dropped the ball. I start dating, say five guys at a time, all of them offering different things, yet, inevitably, one guy (sometimes two) starts to stand out from the bunch and eventually I start falling for them…seriously. Then, like clockwork, I catch myself and I start to renege on my emotions. It ends up leaving the both of us totally confused and instead of an explanation, I’d rather just start from scratch…substitute him out, add another one in.
But lately, I’ve been subbing in this new guy. Believe it or not, to be a rookie, he’s got skills. It’s great to have finally met someone who meets almost all of the “must-haves” on my list. It’s almost too good to be true. So instead of building up a wall, I’m really trying to break down all the other boundaries I usually set and seriously work on letting him in, even if he turns out to be just a friend. But, opening up to something or someone that you haven’t experienced before is never easy. Like I did in the post titled, “An Introduction,” I think I can best describe this situation by comparing it to alcohol:
“At 20-something, I still believe in straight-up love. It may be on the rocks at time, shaken and even stirred. It may be an acquired taste for some. It may get you hooked on the first round or take a while to build a tolerance for. It could up and leave you acting a complete fool, forgetting who you are. It could leave you open and vulnerable, saying and doing things you couldn't even imagine. It could burn going down, yet have the possibility of being so smooth. The thing is, you won't know until you try.”
Unfortunately, doubt has a way of stumbling its way into situations. As soon as I start to give this rookie more playing time, all the players I’ve since benched, want to start showing off to get the coach’s (my) attention. It’s not fair to him, or to me. He’s been performing consistently from the start, while others’ abilities come and go at their leisure. Just when the rookie thinks he’s making a name for himself, I start second-guessing his ability and whether or not I’m missing out on any other valuable players that may be ready to get back on the court. As always, women know what to do; they just don’t know how to do it. And as the title reflects, this time, I don’t have any answers…
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Friday, September 14, 2007
By Choice & By Chance
I enjoyed a great dinner with a new friend the other weekend and we started talking about our failed relationships. Okay, so I know that everyone warns against bringing up past relationships, especially messy ones, but hell, it’s too late now! What I learned from him is that, believe it or not, guys are just as hurt when a relationship goes wrong and, surprisingly, it’s just as hard for them to move on.
As we talked about what went wrong and the signs that we ignored, it forced me to think about how difficult it must be to remain in a relationship that’s long term. I, for one, was in a monogamous relationship for three long years (wish I could say the same for my ex). To make a long story short, when it was good it was great, but when things were bad, it was the absolute worst of times. And as unfortunate as it may sound, I haven’t been in a long-term relationship since I split from him a little over two years ago because, at times, it's too much work trying to make it work! After sharing this, my new friend made a very good observation:
Once you’ve become so emotionally involved with someone and love enters the equation, it’s almost like you start living for two people, no longer just for yourself. You consider them before making major decisions and you plan your future with them in mind. You look at them in almost the same regard as your family.
Take it from me. On one hand, being committed to someone in that respect can be emotionally draining. On the other hand, I think about married couples, like my parents, who’ve weathered the storms and would laugh at what I consider “emotionally draining” and “long-term.”
Married for 24 years next month, it’s amazing to see two people that have loved each other for so long…or is it? Nine months after marriage, my parents welcome me into the world, so now that their children are grown, they go on dates and trips…quite cute. And it also surprises me to see two people, find ways to fall in love in a new, yet familiar way, over and over again. I think of it as a wonderful challenge, but a challenge nonetheless!
But should it be that difficult at all? We love our parents, our siblings and our friends and we’ve known them practically all our lives. Through good and bad times, ups and downs, we find a way to love them unconditionally, even though we can’t stand them at times. This is most likely because we were "assigned" our families. We ended up with them by chance, not because we chose them (although you'd think that things would be better had we been given a choice sometimes). So then why should our romantic involvement with the opposite sex be any different?
It seems as if my generation of twenty-somethings is pretty much lackadaisical when it comes to sustaining a relationship. As soon as “John” disappoints “Jane (or vice versa),” she’s ready to wash her hands of him. They probably spent more time in the dating phase than in the actual relationship before they decide to call it quits! When we have a choice in the matters of our heart, we’re quick to give up as soon as things go wrong. But if we were to start treating our relationships like they were by chance, we’d be forced to make things work and last…well, at least last longer.
I’d really like to save shacking up for another post, but I remember having a talk about it with my aunt. My argument was that it might be smart to move in with your significant other prior to marriage to see if it’s possible to really live with that person, in close quarters, for the rest of your life. My aunt, begged to differ, saying that a couple has no other choice but to make things work if they wait until after marriage to move in together. It creates an opportunity to test your love and grow from the results.
Now, allow me to make one very important point. I am NOT condoning a person trying to sustain a cheating or any other disrespectful type of relationship. You all know when it’s time to go. Leaving his socks out may not be grounds for a break up, but if he socks you in the eye, you need to be on the next thing smokin’! By choice and by chance simply means that if you have decided to be in a committed relationship with someone, do just that and commit to them, like you have no other choice, rather than giving up right away. A chance at real love is hard to come by. I’m sure you’ve all realized by now that a good man is hard to find so when you do snag one, make it work! Learn something from each other and your experiences together so that you become better people individually.
Until next time: "Live.Love.Learn...and then repeat!"
-TS&S
*This post is dedicated to a few of my TEAMMATES who’ve sold out to be in a relationship! I seriously wish you the best…more men for me!
As we talked about what went wrong and the signs that we ignored, it forced me to think about how difficult it must be to remain in a relationship that’s long term. I, for one, was in a monogamous relationship for three long years (wish I could say the same for my ex). To make a long story short, when it was good it was great, but when things were bad, it was the absolute worst of times. And as unfortunate as it may sound, I haven’t been in a long-term relationship since I split from him a little over two years ago because, at times, it's too much work trying to make it work! After sharing this, my new friend made a very good observation:
Once you’ve become so emotionally involved with someone and love enters the equation, it’s almost like you start living for two people, no longer just for yourself. You consider them before making major decisions and you plan your future with them in mind. You look at them in almost the same regard as your family.
Take it from me. On one hand, being committed to someone in that respect can be emotionally draining. On the other hand, I think about married couples, like my parents, who’ve weathered the storms and would laugh at what I consider “emotionally draining” and “long-term.”
Married for 24 years next month, it’s amazing to see two people that have loved each other for so long…or is it? Nine months after marriage, my parents welcome me into the world, so now that their children are grown, they go on dates and trips…quite cute. And it also surprises me to see two people, find ways to fall in love in a new, yet familiar way, over and over again. I think of it as a wonderful challenge, but a challenge nonetheless!
But should it be that difficult at all? We love our parents, our siblings and our friends and we’ve known them practically all our lives. Through good and bad times, ups and downs, we find a way to love them unconditionally, even though we can’t stand them at times. This is most likely because we were "assigned" our families. We ended up with them by chance, not because we chose them (although you'd think that things would be better had we been given a choice sometimes). So then why should our romantic involvement with the opposite sex be any different?
It seems as if my generation of twenty-somethings is pretty much lackadaisical when it comes to sustaining a relationship. As soon as “John” disappoints “Jane (or vice versa),” she’s ready to wash her hands of him. They probably spent more time in the dating phase than in the actual relationship before they decide to call it quits! When we have a choice in the matters of our heart, we’re quick to give up as soon as things go wrong. But if we were to start treating our relationships like they were by chance, we’d be forced to make things work and last…well, at least last longer.
I’d really like to save shacking up for another post, but I remember having a talk about it with my aunt. My argument was that it might be smart to move in with your significant other prior to marriage to see if it’s possible to really live with that person, in close quarters, for the rest of your life. My aunt, begged to differ, saying that a couple has no other choice but to make things work if they wait until after marriage to move in together. It creates an opportunity to test your love and grow from the results.
Now, allow me to make one very important point. I am NOT condoning a person trying to sustain a cheating or any other disrespectful type of relationship. You all know when it’s time to go. Leaving his socks out may not be grounds for a break up, but if he socks you in the eye, you need to be on the next thing smokin’! By choice and by chance simply means that if you have decided to be in a committed relationship with someone, do just that and commit to them, like you have no other choice, rather than giving up right away. A chance at real love is hard to come by. I’m sure you’ve all realized by now that a good man is hard to find so when you do snag one, make it work! Learn something from each other and your experiences together so that you become better people individually.
Until next time: "Live.Love.Learn...and then repeat!"
-TS&S
*This post is dedicated to a few of my TEAMMATES who’ve sold out to be in a relationship! I seriously wish you the best…more men for me!
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Table for One: Being Comfortable Being Alone
It's five o'clock! You've had a long day at work or school and it's time to relax. You can opt for a night out with the girls or meet that new recruit for drinks. But what if you can't? Are your girls doing the couples thing tonight and your rookie unavailable? What is your plan B if other plans fall through? Do you just decide to stay in? Consider this: call on that best friend, the one that knows you the best. The one that you can be most comfortable with in your own skin...YOU!
Hit the wine & spirits store and purchase your favorite bottle of wine. Choose your favorite movie or splurge and order a new release On Demand. Put on your favorite pair of sweats, curl up in a blanket and enjoy your own company. When the movie is over, you can give your nails a fresh coat of polish, touch up the eyebrows and play around with some new hair styles and make-up techniques. A night in, alone, could do you some good. But let's take it a step further by giving yourself the chance to add more people to your roster of "going out" options. It's easier to stay in when you're by yourself so be bold for once. Get dressed, as if you were going out with your girls or to meet that cutie. Strut out of the door, and head over to a place where you can mix and mingle. My personal pick, the bar at a restaurant. Sit your fine self at the bar (or in a place where you are visible to others) and order your favorite drink, the one that contains enough alcohol to give you that buzz of confidence you'll need. (Note: I stress the word buzz, which in no way means tipsy and definitely not drunk! Don't forget, you are alone and you must keep a level head so that you make it home safely.) Scope out the scene and the people around you. Any prospects?
I once read that a good way to hint that you're interested in someone is to stare at them. Yes, stare! If you were raised right, you're probably thinking this is one of the rudest things you could do, but trust me...it works! If you engage in some innocent eye contact, you'll give off the flirty aura that you are approachable, which should give him the confidence he needs to approach you. If you don't believe me, try walking down the street today and flashing a smile at a stranger as you pass. The stranger will either look at you like you're crazy or smile back. However, I promise that the latter is the more natural response.
Remember that no matter how cocky they may come across, ALL guys are afraid of rejection so you have to give them every reason to believe that when they do get up the nerve to come speak to you, they either won't get turned down, or they'll get turned down nicely. If you're out with a group of your girlfriends, it can be intimidating for a guy to approach you. He knows that there's a fifty percent chance that he'll get rejected, not only in front of you, but in front of all of your girls. When he notices you're seated alone, he'll be more likely to make his move. But if you're not quite ready to go at it alone, try limiting your party to just you and one other female friend (and make sure you send her to the bathroom to check her make up as much as possible, lol). A male friend, gay or straight, still sends off an unapproachable vibe.
But let's go back to your table for one. You don't HAVE to go out with the expectation of meeting someone. Being comforatble being alone shows great maturity and growth. How can anybody be content with you if you're not content with yourself? Take the alone time to appreciate and celebrate your single status. There'll come a day when you'll long for some "you time."
Hit the wine & spirits store and purchase your favorite bottle of wine. Choose your favorite movie or splurge and order a new release On Demand. Put on your favorite pair of sweats, curl up in a blanket and enjoy your own company. When the movie is over, you can give your nails a fresh coat of polish, touch up the eyebrows and play around with some new hair styles and make-up techniques. A night in, alone, could do you some good. But let's take it a step further by giving yourself the chance to add more people to your roster of "going out" options. It's easier to stay in when you're by yourself so be bold for once. Get dressed, as if you were going out with your girls or to meet that cutie. Strut out of the door, and head over to a place where you can mix and mingle. My personal pick, the bar at a restaurant. Sit your fine self at the bar (or in a place where you are visible to others) and order your favorite drink, the one that contains enough alcohol to give you that buzz of confidence you'll need. (Note: I stress the word buzz, which in no way means tipsy and definitely not drunk! Don't forget, you are alone and you must keep a level head so that you make it home safely.) Scope out the scene and the people around you. Any prospects?
I once read that a good way to hint that you're interested in someone is to stare at them. Yes, stare! If you were raised right, you're probably thinking this is one of the rudest things you could do, but trust me...it works! If you engage in some innocent eye contact, you'll give off the flirty aura that you are approachable, which should give him the confidence he needs to approach you. If you don't believe me, try walking down the street today and flashing a smile at a stranger as you pass. The stranger will either look at you like you're crazy or smile back. However, I promise that the latter is the more natural response.
Remember that no matter how cocky they may come across, ALL guys are afraid of rejection so you have to give them every reason to believe that when they do get up the nerve to come speak to you, they either won't get turned down, or they'll get turned down nicely. If you're out with a group of your girlfriends, it can be intimidating for a guy to approach you. He knows that there's a fifty percent chance that he'll get rejected, not only in front of you, but in front of all of your girls. When he notices you're seated alone, he'll be more likely to make his move. But if you're not quite ready to go at it alone, try limiting your party to just you and one other female friend (and make sure you send her to the bathroom to check her make up as much as possible, lol). A male friend, gay or straight, still sends off an unapproachable vibe.
But let's go back to your table for one. You don't HAVE to go out with the expectation of meeting someone. Being comforatble being alone shows great maturity and growth. How can anybody be content with you if you're not content with yourself? Take the alone time to appreciate and celebrate your single status. There'll come a day when you'll long for some "you time."
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Is He The One?
This is a blog topic of one of my Big Sisters (it runs in the family)!!! Read the blurb below and then click on the link to read more! With literally most of my friends getting engaged and married, I've realized the "Cylce" that I spoke about in a previous post is certainly true! Read what advice Robin has to share as a married woman. Enjoy!
Almost all adult women have wrestled with this question: “Is he the One”? Deciding to marry someone and prayerfully spend the rest of your life with that person is obviously overwhelming. Below I have given 13 questions that I think should be on the top of your list. This is not an exhaustive list. I could go on and on but I narrowed it to thirteen (which is such a weird number but I had to make myself stop somewhere). If you can’t answer YES to all questions (except for questions 5 and 12…those should be NO) you should slow down b/c that indicates big RED FLAGS!
One more thing. Remember that you must always leave room for the Holy Spirit. Things will never be perfect in a marriage, and you may never have all the answers. But you can cut down on a lot by being wise as you move forward in relationships.
Read more at LiveLoveLaugh (our titles are even similar :) Go to her page and let her know what you think!
Almost all adult women have wrestled with this question: “Is he the One”? Deciding to marry someone and prayerfully spend the rest of your life with that person is obviously overwhelming. Below I have given 13 questions that I think should be on the top of your list. This is not an exhaustive list. I could go on and on but I narrowed it to thirteen (which is such a weird number but I had to make myself stop somewhere). If you can’t answer YES to all questions (except for questions 5 and 12…those should be NO) you should slow down b/c that indicates big RED FLAGS!
One more thing. Remember that you must always leave room for the Holy Spirit. Things will never be perfect in a marriage, and you may never have all the answers. But you can cut down on a lot by being wise as you move forward in relationships.
Read more at LiveLoveLaugh (our titles are even similar :) Go to her page and let her know what you think!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)