The One Before THE ONE

"Before me there were many. After me there will be none. I am the one.” –Jay-Z

This line in Jay-Z’s song, “Guilty Until Proven Innocent,” said so matter-of-factly, could make one miss the fact that it quite confidently crossed the line of conceit. This is probably why I repeated it so much (don’t judge me)! There was a certain assurance portrayed in his voice that said, in so many words, “you may have experienced quite a few prior to meeting me, but none of them come close to me, and it will be a waste of your time to think you’ll find better.” End scene.

I must admit, since I copped the Dynasty: Roc La Familia album in high school, I’ve kept this line as a frame of reference with me while being on anything from job interviews to first dates. The pompous declaration, if backed by actual evidence, was considered a one-two knockout in my book. And if you didn’t recognize me as the one at that time, you couldn’t say I didn’t tell you so when it registered later.

Self-assured? Absolutely. But sometimes it's necessary to have that way of thinking (not acting). If not me, then who?

If you’ve been sleeping under a rock, wake up and smell the roses…the wedding roses that is. We are smack dab in the middle of wedding season! I swear, since I hit the “mid-twenties” age range, I have attended more weddings than Elizabth Taylor has ex-husbands! And with every wedding invitation, save the date or relationship status change on Facebook comes inevitably, “the call.” You know, the call from your friend to say how shocked they are to discover that the person voted most likely to remain single (for whatever reason) is getting married.

But the worst of them all is when you learn your immediate ex is next in line to head down the aisle. The feeling can be absolutely devastating, particularly if you once imagined yourself meeting them at the other end. And even if you’ve come to grips with the break up, the fact that they’ve moved on and found something permanent in someone else before you still bites just a bit. You may develop what I call “Dumper’s Remorse” as my friend Sasha did just last month.

“Dumper’s Remorse” is the feeling of doubt that the dumper typically experiences after dumping the dumpee (get it?). It doesn’t necessarily occur immediately after the break up. It can lie dormant for months, even years, until situations just like the aforementioned arise. It is generally caused by the realization that single life may not be greener grass and that the issues that were prevalent while in the relationship, in hindsight, may not have been that bad. Whether the perception is temporarily clouded by current circumstances rarely tends to matter. The point is, you’re lonely and you want that old thing back…if only to pacify your existing whirlwind of emotions.

The group blackberry message notification on my phone one early morning signaled that whatever message was being transmitted was serious enough that the entire group needed to hear at once. And the message read, “(Ex’s name) proposed to his girlfriend. That should be me! I am officially the one before THE ONE.” To add insult to injury, Sasha’s ex proposed with a ring similar to that of her dream ring. Ouch.

Sasha's situation got me to thinking about how it must feel to put all your time and energy into your relationship, only for things to fall through and their next relationship turn into everything you wanted yours to be when with them. Here’s my two cents in two words: tough cookie. What? Were you expecting me to join in on your pity party? I refuse.

Yes, I acknowledge it sucks…majorly. What you have to remember is that things ended with your ex for a reason. As quoted by Jodi Lipper, “An ‘ex’ is called an ‘ex’ because it's an example of what you shouldn't have again in the future.” What good are a proposal and the perfect ring if it’s with the wrong person? Push through your second thoughts and pending regrets. Instead, boldly declare that you are the one for someone better and more deserving. Go into the next relationship recognizing all that you bring to the table and then…bring it! There’s no shame in being the wrong one before the right one. When the ring is on the other finger (get it?), it’ll all be worth it.

Live.Love.Learn...and repeat!

Song for thought: "The One," Mary J. Blige ft. Drake

Power of the D.A.D.D.Y.

This post is also featured on Black and Married With Kids.


I am my father’s child. No doubt about it. From my lean and long-legged physique to my commanding presence and sometimes stubborn personality, I am him. One would think that because we have the tendency to be so much alike, we would have issues seeing eye-to-eye. However, that couldn’t be further from the truth. My dad is one of my very best friends.

As a twenty-something woman coming into my own, I’ve found comfort in seeking my father’s advice on topics ranging from work to finances and especially relationships. This is mainly because he gives it to me straight, no chaser. Furthermore, I view him as the prototype for the man I hope to one day marry. Victoria Secunda, author of Women and Their Fathers: The Sexual and Romantic Impact of the First Man in Your Life, has been quoted as saying that the “greatest impact on a woman’s romantic choices and ability to feel comfortable in her own sexuality is how her father related to her in childhood.”

My parents have often times been described as the present-day Claire and Cliff Huxtable, though we’ve never gone without a microwave in our kitchen. Like Cliff, my dad was, and still is, the jokester in a house full of women. A savvy business man with an entrepreneurial spirit, he also held down the fort when my mom was traveling for business. Helping construct science projects, teaching us how to ride bikes and swim were just a few things on the list. My mom, a former tomboy, didn’t learn to braid hair for quite some time, so it was dad who helped out in that area as well (it wasn’t as bad as one would imagine). Overall, my dad was ever-present in teaching my sister and me exactly what it meant to be a devoted father and husband to his family. He was our example of what love from a man should be like and taught us that the foundation of any relationship was rooted in a love, respect and trust of oneself.

When my dad was my age, he had a master’s degree and a pretty impressive career underway. He still carried the athletic build that he adapted as a school athlete and I can imagine him having a confidence that, dare I say, bordered arrogance as well. So it’s no wonder I’m attracted to the same type of man. According to research conducted by Dr. Linda Nielsen, nationally recognized expert on father-daughter relationships, “fathers generally have as much or more influence than mothers on many aspects of their daughters’ lives. For example, the father has the greater impact on the daughter’s ability to trust, enjoy and relate well to the males in her life.”

Recently, as I sat amongst a group of male friends, I heard stories of women they’d dated who were raised without an appropriate father figure. In their experience, women with “daddy issues,” as most refer to the epidemic, can develop at least one of the following concerns:

• Low of self-esteem
• Sexual promiscuity
• Failure to forge healthy romantic relationships
• Inability to communicate with the opposite sex
• Misperceived gender roles

I understand the way my sister and I were raised is no longer the societal norm. With over 40% of babies in the U.S. born to single women, we are considered a rare breed to not only have had a father present, but to have a father who is still married to our mother. However, fatherhood has to be viewed as a duty and not a decision. The negative implications have a strong possibility of distorting the image of healthy relationships with one another and most importantly, with ourselves.

Live.Love.Learn...and repeat!

Song for thought: "Daughters," John Mayer

In My Mind | Clutch Magazine: The Digital Magazine for the Young, Contemporary Woman of Color

In this article, the writer discovers she is, "too dope to give so much to someone who either chooses to or is unable to give the same to me."

In My Mind | Clutch Magazine: The Digital Magazine for the Young, Contemporary Woman of Color

He Likes Me, He Likes Me Not?

I’d been dating this really cool guy for about a month so, clearly, I liked him a lot. Well, you know me, I got a little excited. I’d been so used to the three (date) strikes and you’re out routine that I began to question if I actually saw something in this man or if I was merely impressed that we’d successfully made it passed the threshold. My girlfriends laugh at me all the time because they can’t understand how, over the years; I have been able spot very early on if I see things progressing. Therefore, you can imagine my anxiety when on date four (ok, not literally), I started overanalyzing whether or not I should be overanalyzing. The joys of being a woman (insert sarcasm here)!

Generally, women are ready for exclusivity much sooner than men. So when is it safe to assume a man is genuinely interested in progressing towards an exclusive dating relationship? Is it a conversation initiated by him or will there be signs? And what signs does he give her, if any, that it is okay to place all her eggs in his basket (no pun intended)? I took it upon myself to ask some very special men in my life to clue me in on when it’s safe to assume a man is interested. Check out the responses below:

He’ll Say It
John:
When a man meets the woman he realizes is worth it, that realization may come after significant experiences, maturation, or a sense of stability in his career. He must not feel swayed to stray. It is a belief that he will not meet someone better than the one in front of him. I think he will say it when he feels it. I’m different in the sense that I figure out everything in my head before I commit my heart. So I had already thought it thru. Hence, I have to wait and gauge when it will be the appropriate time to mention it to her. Unreciprocated feelings are the worst feelings.

Chris:
I would definitely consider this a general rule: if he tells you he isn't ready for *insert topic here*, believe him. In the same way, unless it has been openly discussed and settled, a woman should never assume the man wants to be, or will be, exclusive. And I suggest you don't wait too long to talk about it; if she is at a point where she is prepared to be exclusive, the longer she waits, the more hurt she may be if she finds out he's not ready. My opinion? There needs to be a conversation. Just in case.

He’ll Show It
Anthony:
Honestly, we are confused creatures and we often don’t know when we’re interested in progressing exclusively! From a personal view, I knew I was ready when I began to tell my boys that I’ll have to catch them on the next outing so I can hang out with my boo, even if it wasn’t going out anywhere special. To me that meant that I was putting relationships with my friends on hold while I took time to build one with someone else. If she’s an understanding woman, she’ll tell the man to not worry about it but if he insists on spending time with her, she should assume his genuine interest. But naturally, we won’t initiate that talk and the lady will have to. Most of us don’t like that pressure, but if we are genuinely interested, that conversation won’t bother us much.

Jaden:
Most men don't like to sit a female down and look in her eyes. Or wave a flag that says, "were committed!” You can tell in the time he spends with you. How more affectionate he is when its just you two. Does he bring you along everywhere. Does he take you around his friends? That is the biggest sign there is!

Hate to say it, but there is no definite answer. Every guy is different. Will his actions speak louder than words or vice versa? Your guess is as good as mine! Here’s what I can advise you to do: trust your intuition. If you feel it's right, go for it! "The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it." - Stanley Kubrick

Live, love, learn…and (have the courage to) repeat!