LoveLove Vs HateLove

There's two ways you can look at love. You can love love...or you can hate love.

Choose wisely...



http://www.hotnewhiphop.com/en/view-album/8936-lovelove-vs-hatelove

Dear Single Women of NYC: It's Not Them, It's You.

This is a great read! Simply substitute NYC for your city as most experiences are the same. Enjoy!

The plight of the single lady
by Jen Doll
February 9, 2010
The Village Voice

My years of New York City dating—if you're counting, there have been 12—have involved a lot of guys, short- and long- and mid-term. My longest relationship lasted two years. My shortest—minus the one-off hookups that we all know aren't "dates" at all—was somewhere in the range of two weeks. There have been certifiable crazies, like the Eastern European fellow who broke my bedroom window in a fit of rage and told me not to complain that he'd broken my "fucking window." There was the Jersey boy who worked in women's handbags; fond memories involve him drunk-puking at the Hilton, then giggling hysterically, running, and "hiding" our soiled comforter in front of someone else's door down the hall. There was the super-successful corporate honcho with a cardboard box for a nightstand. The best friend with whom I had zero sexual attraction. The self-described "bi-coastal but not in a gay way" guy who didn't come home one night because he'd passed out in a planter underneath the Manhattan Bridge. (We continued to date for at least a month after that.)

Their ages have ranged from nearly 15 years younger than me to going on 15 years older. There were Peter Pan Syndrome–afflicted man-children, full-fledged adult males with zero desire to grow up, maybe ever. There were drunks and drug addicts and maybe once a teetotaler. There were Christians and atheists and Jews. There was a clammer from Cape Cod—a real, live clammer, with his very own waders. There was a man who shaved everything . . . down there . . . every single day. There was the dashing Argentinean only in town for a week; the Ronkonkoma deli worker barely old enough to drink; the beleaguered i-banker who came over regularly just to pass out on my couch. And I can't forget the "totally eligible" magazine editor who moved to the suburbs while we were dating, convinced me to take a bus to visit him, showed off his two-story brick house with granite kitchen counters and an actual backyard, as if knowing it was exactly what I aspired to—and then promptly married someone else. There were men who have dropped me on my head, literally and figuratively. I could show you bruises.

Read more at The Villiage Voice

Email her: jdoll@villagevoice.com
Follow her: @thisisjendoll

Committed: To Be or Not to Be

We live in a society where people are conditioned and even encouraged to seek happiness at all costs. For example, when we’re at a job that is no longer fulfilling, we have the choice to either look for a new opportunity or quit. When we want a change of scenery, it’s as simple as relocating to a new city. Most of these situations are within our control. Nevertheless, there are circumstances that are bound to change without our influence. We must be cognizant of the possibility of these very instances as their unavoidable and sometimes unexpected effects will dictate how we handle situations moving forward.

We’re taught that change is a natural part of life and that all change is good. But is it? What happens when, as said by Ellen Gladgow, “all change is not growth, as all movement is not forward”? It can be quite the hard pill to swallow. What’s even worse is that we are the very beings most capable of this type of change; change that is both inevitable and sometimes without warning. Knowing this to be true, how does one commit to someone in marriage when both parties will, without a doubt, transform over time? How does a couple survive such a transformation that could leave them both completely different from the person their partner initially fell in love with and were attracted to? And what is the incentive to stay in a committed relationship (specifically marriage) when this happens?

I was having an in-depth conversation with a friend who married her high school sweetheart in their early twenties. They were the couple everyone admired, were role models to the youth at their church and accomplished in regards to educational background and budding careers. Having grown into adulthood together for the better part of six years, she said that marrying him was the one thing of which she was sure. She was marrying her best friend. They knew each other like the back of their own hands. Alas, their marriage lasted 18 months. The reason: her spouse turned into a person who no longer freely and openly communicated with her as he did many times before. Gradually, he grew cold and quiet – not just with her, but with family and close friends. And eventually, she discovered he’d been unfaithful. Damn.

I can’t even imagine finding the one and then discovering you’re not their only one. You’d have to be crazy to stick around – like you belong in an asylum, crazy. How do u sincerely commit to someone knowing that they’re going to change, without knowing what they’ll change into? Conversely, how do you know they’ll want to remain obligated to the changed you?

Not all people cheat. I believe this. However, affairs affect one of every 2.7 couples and the number one cause of divorce is infidelity. With that in mind, if cheating is so probable in relationships should we learn to accept it when it happens and adapt accordingly? Should we agree to open relationships so that both parties acknowledge that stepping outside of the relationship is a possibility or do we hold out for the slim chance that our relationship will be different?

I really don’t mean to sound like a pessimist. I’m merely thinking like a twenty-something single female who occasionally has doubts of commitment and struggles to make sense of it all. Of course, I want to be in a long, committed relationship, but the line between being committed and well, committed is thin. There are a lot of questions raised, none of which I can answer until I’m faced with the situation (God forbid). Nonetheless, I’ve found this prayer to be of solace, “God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it’s me.” -Author Unknown.

But You Say S/He’s Just a Friend: Part II

“It's one thing to turn a friend into a lover, but it's completely different to try to turn a lover into a friend.” –Unknown

I was once part of a mentoring session on relationships where a young girl around 14 years old said her mom referred to her as the girl friend and never the girlfriend – as if it was a bad thing, a curse of sorts. I pitied the teenager’s frustration, but even more her mother's lack of worthwhile advice to her young and impressionable child. And then I remembered when I was her age.

My father's one and only rule of relationship advice was told to me as a sophomore in high school. He said, “Nat, listen to me… be friends first.” The end. No anecdote. So yeah, I heard him, but I wasn’t listening.

While in high school, not once did I witness my friends in relationships establish a friendship first. In fact, most of them barely knew anything about one another before falling head first into what they identified as love at the time. Some girls changed boyfriends like they changed panties – once a week often. I, on the other hand, went almost four years without a boyfriend. I had a ton of close male friends and even crushed on a few, but not one friendship materialized into anything more.

I had a reader recently seek my advice on how to transition from one realm to the other: girl friend to girlfriend. Honestly, I don't have a definite answer so I came up with a short list of do’s and don’ts:

DO:

• Genuinely focus on building the friendship. People can sense when you have a hidden agenda and your ill intentions can ultimately push them away.
  
• Expect the best, but prepare for the worst. Before you decide to make your move, first ask yourself if the friendship can withstand the denial of a romantic advance.
  
• Be yourself. A friendship is built on common interests and familiarity. Once you express your feelings, don't change the fabric of what makes the friendship so great. Simply enhance its existing qualities.

DON’T:

• Sabotage your friend's current relationship. If your friend is currently involved with someone, don’t be a hater. It's unattractive. That is all.
  
• Take advantage of being in the “friend zone” for personal gain. Knowing their deepest, darkest secrets or their biggest insecurities is something you should respect and not abuse.
  
• Assume you are their type just because you're friends. While a friendship generally guarantees mutual interest and a genuinue care for one another, sometimes there are specific reasons why a person is placed in the "friend zone" that may be unknown to them.

I've come to realize there is something very admirable about establishing an authentic friendship with a person of the opposite sex. Through experience I’ve noticed the most successful relationships stem from true compatibility (so maybe my Dad was onto something). If you want to be more than friends, my advice would be to let nature take its course. Trust that things will happen when you least expect it– the way it happens in the movies. If you can’t resist, remember Barbara De Angelis’ words, “You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.” And if, by chance, they just want to remain friends, consider they might just be doing you a favor...so let them.

Live.Love.Learn...and repeat!

Song for thought: “Breathless,” by Corinne Bailey Rae